long lost brother and sisters

LegacyUser

Right so, a few years ago, my dad told me that he was married to a woman before he met my mother and had three kids by her. They split up when the kids were about 10 ish or so, and had little or no contact with them since then. He met my mother and hooked up. [Turns out they are not actually married, well that was a shocker!]

Anyway, I have a brother and 2 sisters whom I have never met, and now I know I work in the same industry as one of them, and I know I used to live close to another of them, and our names are all next to each other in the phone book. I would really like to meet some of them, but dont have the guts to call them, but if I were to meet one of them by accident, ie, at a conference, what should I do?

As far as I can see, my dads breakup did not go well, so I don't want to upset him by asking him, plus he has not been well recently. And I want to just leave things as they are, but I have this deep curiosity about them. Especially the brother, as I was the oldest in our family, and would have loved an older brother.

Any ideas, how to deal with this?

Knockoff Nige

Its your family and I was always told you can chose your friends but not your family. It would seem like a sin to me for brothers and sisters to never meet in their lifetime. They could be very nice people and maybe even loaded

karen3212

If I was in your situation, I would want to know them too. It's always possible to say something like, we could be related and see what happens, they may know something too. I imagine they would like to meet you if they knew you existed. Just my thoughts.

Dord

A friend of mine recently met a long lost sibling. They both were delighted to meet after so many years. They had met when they were very very young but don't really remember much. It takes a time to get to know someone in a situation like that, if you do it OP don't rush it.

The_Conductor

I would suggest that you do not call them or turn up on their doorsteps out of the blue. How about getting a tasteful Christmas card- as its nearly the season, and gently introduce yourself into their lives? You cannot presume that you will be welcomed, particularly as the split with their mother did not go well- so be careful to not inflame what could possibly be bad feelings.

curiousxxx1

smccarrick wrote: »

I would suggest that you do not call them or turn up on their doorsteps out of the blue. How about getting a tasteful Christmas card- as its nearly the season, and gently introduce yourself into their lives? You cannot presume that you will be welcomed, particularly as the split with their mother did not go well- so be careful to not inflame what could possibly be bad feelings.

Very true, OP my dad has other kids way older than me. Some I have met and others I haven’t. The ones I haven't met don’t actually want to meet me. Recently I found out that one of my sisters is a very prominent business woman and works in a big company. Her email address was easy to come across on the internet and I sent her an email 3 months ago let’s just say she never replied me she blamed our dad and doesn't speak to him. It might not be the same in your case but don’t forget that because you are keen to know them doesn't mean they are keen to know you... As smccarrick said a nice Christmas card would do.
Good luck

Piste

I think you should ask your dad to tell your brothers and sisters about you first, so you don't come as a complete shock to them. A few years ago my mum's family found out her mum had had an affair before she was married and had a son who was living in London, over 50 years later he tracked them down and it really shook them up in a bad way, maybe it wouldn't have been so shocking if my grandma or grnadad had told them first.

Think about it, you could be bringing them some very bad news without realising it.

Jesus Wept

Talk to your dad about it, it's important, and he will understand.

SarahSassy

Well if they are beside you in the phone book you have their home addresses... Why dont you write a short letter to them and explain who you are, a little about your life and that you have just found out about them and give them your contact details...

I hope you hear back from them. Expect nothing and everything else will be a bonus.

Life is short - take a chance on this and best of luck to you.

dame

I agree with the others, make contact through a card or letter but don't be expecting an awful lot too soon, or even any reply at all. Remember, you never knew about them until you were all grown up. They had to go through what seems like a messy break-up of their parents at an age when they would have been well aware of what was going on. It's also very possible that they already know about you. Their mother/father may have told them. Also people talk and if relatives or neighbours knew then it's possible they would have heard them talking or that they let something slip without meaning to.

How Strange

I agree with the other posters. Firstly, discuss it with your Dad. Tell him you want to contact them. He may be ill at the moment but I doubt you discussing this with him will make him any worse. Then write a letter introducing yourself and see what happens from there.

Don't necessarily expect the Waltons to be waiting for you. Remember your Dad left them and hasn't had contact with them since so there may be a lot of resentment.

A similar thing happened in our family a few years ago. An aunt we all thought was single had two illegitimate sons when she lived in England. One of them arrived to the funeral. Obviously, it wasn't as emotionally charged as your situation so our family were slightly shocked but were open to meeting him.

Good luck with it.

LegacyUser

Well, I will discuss it with my dad, but not right now. He is currently going through the divorce with his ex at the minute, so now is maybe not the best time, as well as recovering from major surgery.

The xmas card is an idea. I will consider it. Should I say Xmas greetings? Or include a letter and say something. There are 3 siblings in total. Should I send to all three or just start with one?

Thanks for your help guys.

sunshinew

Hi,
i'm actually in a similar situation, i found out when i was 17 my parents gave up my brother for adoption as they were not married. i too always wanted an older brother so realising i had one came as a bit of a shock. nobody in my family knew and they still don't.A few years ago he made contact with my mother by writing a letter. they wrote to each other a couple of times but since then to my knowledge there has been no contact. I have always wanted to meet him but it is such a sensitive issue, my parents are now divorced and it was not a happy marraige. He has chosen not to meet us, which has obviously hurt me, it turns out he had 3 adopted sisters so probably doesn't have the same feeling of missing out as i do. However i understand his wishes and am still glad he made contact even though i have not met him, knowing a little about his life has put my mind at ease in some ways. Basically my advice would be yes to write a card, probably not a christmas card though as i think that might cause a lot of upset at the holiday time. You definitely need to find out if they know about you first though, a letter out of the blue from a sibling you never knew you had will be a lot to handle. i had years to come to terms with the fact. and i would just say that if you don't get the response you want not to blame them, they will obviously have issues with their father and may not want to upset their mother.
Good luck and i hope it works out.

SarahSassy

I dont agree with sending a Christmas card on this one. Xmas is such a family time that you might 'rush' them a bit.. Its hard to explain what I mean but bottom line is I think a blank card or short letter is a better idea.

Nevyn

You have to remember that they might well be very resentful towards you, you are after the child that your father loved more then them as he stayed in your life.