Wasting my life?

profguy

Hi guys, - long time reader, first time poster.

Basically, I've been tossing this one over in my head for a while.

Three years ago I met a girl - we'll call her Gilly - who I took one look at and thought "wow, she's the girl I want to marry". It wasn't that she was good looking, - she's cute, but no supermodel, - but there was somethng in her eyes, in the way she related to the people around her, that I really fell for.

At the time, I was very low on confidence, - I'd come out of a long term relationship, - on the wrong end of a bad breakup, - I'd put on a lot of weight very quickly and was not looking good. Also, she was a friend of a friend who kind of liked her himself, and as such I did nothing.

About 3 months later, having spent more time with her, I confessed my feelings to our mutual friend, who to be fair, took it well, and said he'd make enquiries. I know that a 23-year old guy, as I was then, should have the balls to make the approach himself, but frankly, I was too scared. The friend came back and discreetly told me that no, she liked me, but not in that way.

Time passed, and she and I became better friends, - I still liked her, but resolved to move on with my life and in the interim I had 3 girlfriends, - all of whom were nice, and WAAYYY out of my league in terms of looks (I know I may sound a little down on myself, - I'm not, I'm an average looking guy with a fairly good perosnality and pulling has never really been a massive problem), but none of the relationships lasted, because to be honest, I was more into spending time with Gilly than I was with them.

For the past two years, though, I've been single. As has Gilly. We've both had offers, but both of us have turned them down, saying that we "like" being single.

Both of us, in that time, have had one night things with a few people, - though I've done it each time because when she does it I feel like I have to get even.

The thing is, that we spend 4-5 nights a week with each other. Sitting in each others homes, chatting, watching movies, etc. A lot of our friends think that we ARE a couple, and that for some reason we're hiding that fact, but we're not.

Gilly knows how I felt about her at one stage, because of the approach made by our mutual friend. She admits that she turned me down because she didn't really fancy me. Fair enough. But now, three years later, we've kind of turned into surrogate partners for each other, whether she admits it or not, - and I've never challenged her on it.

We're in our mid 20's, - I'm 26, she's 24, and wasting some of the best years of our lives in this situation. It's gotten to the stage where if either of us were seen doing anything with anyone else, our friends would genuinely think that we were cheating on the other.

You might wonder why I'm in this situation, and not making a clean break, or putting some distance there. The truth is that I know that possibly I should, but two things stop me. Firstly, I really, really love this girl. She's everything to me. I don't care about being essentially celebate most of the time, (- let's face it, sex for me, when it happens, is a way of evening the score with her because she's shagged someone, and since I'm in agony over what she's done, it's not really great anyway - ) because I love spending time with her. She herself admits that sex for her, (Five times in 4 years since her last serious relationship ended, I think) is simply about scratching a post, to coin a phrase. Sometimes I look at her and I think I would die if she did. And it's unhealthy.

Secondly, there are moments. Moments when we're alone, or walking in public, over a shared joke, or sitting across the dinner table, where I see a look in her eye, and I know, - I know, that she loves me almost as much, - even if it's just in the moment.

So, what do I do? My main problem is that this story has three endings. There's one, where in a week, or two weeks, or five years, I get the courage to try and move things between us to another level, and we live happily ever after.

There's a second, where I bite the bullet, and ask her out, and she says no, and all the trust, and warmth, vanishes from between us because she feels terrible, as I know she would, and I feel crushed, as I know I would.

There's a third. The worst of all. The day that she walks in and says, "hey Graeme, this is Mark (or something), and we're a couple". When, and if, that day comes, I honestly think I might jump off something very tall. The worst bit is that it's waht I live in fear of. Every time she goes out by herself, every time she joins a new club or starts a new job, the fear is there that I might be replaced by some jackass.

And yet, i never am. She always comes back alone. So we go on. Living a lie, having the world essentially think we're a couple when we're not, - and having the world not listen to our denials because they think we're cute together.

It's a trap, I can't get out, and more than I want your advice, - though it will be listened too - I just needed to tell somebody. Because I've never told anybody this before, ever, and I don't anticipate telling anybody else.

Thanks for reading,

Profguy

LegacyUser

Secondly, there are moments. Moments when we're alone, or walking in public, over a shared joke, or sitting across the dinner table, where I see a look in her eye, and I know, - I know, that she loves me almost as much, - even if it's just in the moment.

I have a male friend who I love, who I adore, who I'd do anything for, I genuinely love him with all my heart, and believe he is my soulmate, this however does not mean I have feelings for him in a romantic sense, she may love you, but there are different types of love.

In saying that, can you live with not knowing for the rest of your life? You're putting your happiness on hold for something that may not exist.

Seems to me you're just protecting yourself by not telling her, its easier to live in hope than not know the truth.

Tell her. You need to know, for both your sakes

The day that she walks in and says, "hey Graeme, this is Mark (or something), and we're a couple

And if this happens you'll end up hating her, resenting her.
theres comfort in not knowing, but you'll never be free until you know the truth.

3 years is a long time, feelings change, Tell her.

MooseJam

dude didn't you get the message from your mate, she likes you, but not in that way. It will never happen

Fabio

MooseJam wrote: »

dude didn't you get the message from your mate, she likes you, but not in that way. It will never happen

Did you not read the full post? I mean, it seems like things there are a lot simpler than you call them to be.

Anyway Profguy fair play for getting out and saying this on here, I'm sure it's a little weight off your chest, or at least I hope it is. I think you should ask her about the past three years, ask her about her love life, ask her does she invision a future with some guy and then finally ask would you be the guy. All the while try to keep your tone curious so that even if she says again that she doesnt like you, well, maybe it won't be so awkward.

If she says she likes you - come back and tell us!!!

If not then just take a break from seeing her and allow yourself to get over it. Time will heal the wound.
When you feel ready you can set up contact again but you should always remember that any chance of things kicking off is over.

Best of luck fella.

syberspud

The only thing you can realistically do is pick your moment and make your move. It's either that or get over her - which could be as drastic as ending your friendship if you are unable to mentally overcome your unrequited love and accept her as only a very good friend, which I suspect would be difficult. The current situation is unacceptable to you, so you should change it.

Personally, I'd be of the philosophy that this girl is up for grabs and these challenges are what makes life worth living. This isn't an ideal situation to be in but take a step back and actually appreciate the feelings this girl elicits in you. It's pretty incredible. As for the problem of winning her, theres so much inertia in your relationship, it's not going to be straightforward and no matter what you do, it mightn't work. BUT you'd be nuts not to give it a go! I mean all you really know about her feelings is what yer mate said to you (silly move imo especially considering he was into her too) and after three years..who knows how she feels? A quiet chat about your feelings for her will probably not suffice imo, you really gotta think romantic on a Hollywood scale, think big, think outside the box. I mean you almost want to shock her into it...and no I'm not talking sticking yer **** in her ear, I'm thinking a grand gesture executed in an exceptional manner. You know this girl pretty well, what makes her tick etc...you can win her, nothing is impossible. What about traveling somewhere with her? Bring her out of her environment if yer gonna tell her. Just as an example, bring her to New York or something...up the Empire State Building at night...something romantic like that? Man, I'd be delighted just to plan something like this - it'd be so much fun!

And so what if it doesn't happen? So what if it doesn't work out? At least you tried and in 10 years you will definitely look back at this and laugh - with or without her.

Elessar

Yeah man you have to get out of that situation. Tell her you like her and you can't go on living like this anymore. From what you said in your post, be prepared for rejection - and subsequently for the relationship to end.

These feelings are getting toxic now and are controlling your life. I know what it's like. She's like a drug. You say you might kill yourself if she ever comes back with a partner - something you have no control over. You're on about ending you life over a woman! - see how much this has taken over you?

I was in a similar situation 5 years back. Had a really great friend who was so much fun to be around and I also really liked this person much more. Unfortunately in my situtation I couldn't do anything, like you can, but I know what it feels like to want someone so much and not be able to. I lost contact with this person, but 5 years later, I'm still not over it. Do what I couldn't do, tell this person how you feel. Do not go on living like you are.

I know it's hard because you don't want to ruin what you have but eventually this will come to a head, and it could be awful for you. So do yourself a favour, tell her, but be prepared to sever the life you had. For your own good. I'm honestly trying to help you here.

DD

I would say tell her. But you gotta choose a good moment to do that like the others said.
I know you are afraid to do that, you don't want to lose her and that's why you don't ask her and you just go on with this.
3 years is though a long period, you said there are moments when you are sure she feels the same for you. I'd say tell her.
I was thinking of something else, but you said she didnt go out with anyone and when she goes to the clubs and nights out she is coming back alone. I was thinking you can try find out more about this dating someone or making her believe someone is interested in you and you would want to meet that person. Of course its not the best option but could be smth that can help ya to find out more or make her realise what she wants. Have u ever gave her reasons to be jealous? If you haven't yet maybe its time for a little bit. If she reacts weird or jealous then you found out the reason, but if you never *cheated* on her and she did the same maybe she will feel cheated and angry with you and you will ruin it.
It's hard to say whats best. You know her, you should know better what to do. If I were you I'd find the best moment to tell her to make her mind cos this cant continue like this anymore.
3 years passed, do you really think it will work forever? As long as you wait will be worse, I think you had enough patience its time for some action now.
Let us know what you decided to do . Good luck with it.

Rb

By the sounds of it you are way,way,way,way,way too deep into the friend zone for this to ever happen.
If you want to f*ck up your friendship with her, i.e it means little or nothing to you, then by all means go ahead and make a move on her.

Otherwise, go find another woman and stop obsessing over this girl, or you'll just f*ck yourself up when she finds someone she's actually interested in (in that way).

Spoony2

A lot of people say tell her.

Speaking from my own experience's, I'm 25 she's 23 I sought help of these boards about 2 years ago, with the same problem. First off all I would ask you
are you shore this girl is the only girl you want to be with?

Why? you sound very lonely (I'm sorry for saying that) But often when where lonely, we can confuse are feelings of closeness, friendship and affection as love, etc.

Be leave me I know I've done it my self countless amounts of time's. I'm shore that it doesn't help that your friends all think your a couple as they would put indirect pressure on you with out actually knowing the the full story. Which can't help.

You say You'd Die if you saw her with another man you die, Once again Not a good state of mind to be in...

I can't tell you that when I told old snuffers that I had feelings for her she wasn't particularly happy actually she was pissed, but where still really good friends. so there is some hope. That even through the most testing times friendship can stay there if you want it to.

As for you being honest I couldn't tell you what to do I could advise you..

What I advise is take a step back and look at everything, and think about it rationally, How do you think she would react to something like this 5 times out of 10 they don't take it good actually it can be the end of a friend ship if your unlucky enough

She could feel betrayed, hurt, angry an emotional wreck you are on thin ice my friend i would advise caution when dealing with such situations.

Ps man i know how you feel.

Maybe you should go speak to a sicolgest {spelling] or something it wouldn't do any harm and might help Due to what you have said

Mr. Incognito

Ho can you ever be happy with this surrogate relationship. You need to tell her how you feel and move on or move in. You said it yourself you're wasting your life.

muppetkiller

Confess your feelings agian for her...if she responds then happy days you'll both be perfect for each other.
If she says she's only interested as friend ...go your seperate ways as you'll never be able to form another proper relationship with her in your life.

It happened to me and she said no...but the best thing I ever did was getting rid of her. It hurt like hell but needed to be done. All my female friends said they worried about me all the time with her. They could see how I felt about her. And she knew I felt that way about her all this time but I was like a security blanket for her... I was her boyfriend when she was single...and her shoulder when she needed it.

So best of luck with whatever you decide to do ...It's tell her how you feel or have a tortured soul for the next few years watching her with different guys until eventually she marries someone...

ferdi

you sound completely obsessed (and not in a good way). you need to get out and meet other people and spend less time with this person. no offence to you but honestly you come across like a crazy person who might do something silly.

johnnysmurfman

I'm not one for giving advice, but I must say that your post was beautifully written.

Ruthie-Roux

I`ve been carefully reading all the previous responses and there seems to be a common strain of advice here-that is to cut contact with the girl.
I think it is important to remember that by doing this would be treating her as "the problem." She is not a problem, but a person , and one who obviously thinks very highly of you if she has been a devoted friend for 3 years and clearly spends a lot of her time with you. You are blessed to have a friend like this, so don`t make the mistake of severing contact, hurting her terribly, and losing someone who obviously cares a LOT about you.
That said, I know this isn`t what you want to hear but I think she probably only sees you as a friend and would prefer not to take things further. I myself have been in her shoes a few times in the past with a few different guy friends of mine and sadly ended up losing most of them in the end. I cared about them deeply as friends but SIMPLY WASN`T ATTRACTED to them. Most of them could not accept this or understand it, seeing the situation in a very black or white "you either want me or you don`t" sort of way, and one or two got very angry and said that I was stringing them along. This was never the case.
It`s important to remember that it`s possible to love different people in many different ways. It`s entirely possible (and very likely)that she does indeed love you in a platonic, brotherly sort of way. She has been decent enough not to string you along and let you know fairly and squarely that she is not attracted to you, so that`s something to be grateful for.
As for your own sanity, I believe your main problem is that you cannot accept that somone you love so much does not feel the same about you. You have to accept that she does not want a relationship before you can move on. This DOES NOT mean you drop her like a hot potato once you realise it`s never going to turn into a relationship, it does, however, mean seeing a little less of each other until you can get things sorted in your head.
You should have a heart to heart with her. Explain that you feel very strongly about her but are aware that she doesn`t feel the same about you. Say that you need to see a little less of each other for a time, until you can get past this. Make it clear that lessening your contact is not a personal slur on her and that you do value her as a friend even if it doesn` progress to anything else. If her feelings for you have changed she will probably take the hint and tell you she feels the same. If she doesnt then at least you have explained your reasons for seeing a little less of her and know once and for all that her feelings haven`t changed.

I have, by the way, also been in your shoes (madly in love with a friend, whilst he loved somebody else) and you sometimes have to just accept the situation and move on with your own love life (and I dont mean sleeping with randomers out of revenge--thats unfair on the girls involved and not healthy for you).

Best of luck in any case,

Ruth

Sleepy

Are you sure your name is Graeme? Cos you sound exactly like my best mate.

She just isn't into you man. Get some space. No need to end the friendship totally but you need to get some space from her to allow you to get your own life. One there'd be room for someone who does love you in.

Tell her this but not in an 'i love you, what do you think?' way. Tell her that you need some space because you're too close to her, that your feelings have crossed the boundary of friendship and that you need to get some space because you know she doesn't feel the same. You do know this, you just don't want to admit it to yourself. If I'm wrong, she'll tell you so at that moment but don't get your hopes up.

AARRRGH

ferdi wrote: »

you sound completely obsessed (and not in a good way). you need to get out and meet other people and spend less time with this person. no offence to you but honestly you come across like a crazy person who might do something silly.

I kind of agree with this.

You really need to let go and see what the world has to offer... or make a move and accept her rejection.

Gekko

I've been in a similar situation and you know what, some posters have mentioned she might like you in a brotherly kind of way.

You've admitted yourself that you're not very confident in yourself and I can sympathise with that as well.

It sounds like you've become dependent on this girl and yep I've been there too, but you're hanging around hoping something will happen whereas she's just hanging around because she's not with anyone at the moment.

In one of those moments you've mentioned, you need to tell her how you feel and either get it together or make a clean break.

Good luck

chump

dublindude wrote: »

I kind of agree with this.

You really need to let go and see what the world has to offer... or make a move and accept her rejection.

again agree.

You mentioned in the original post that you "should have the balls" (but didn't) - it seems you haven't grown them yet. It takes balls to make decisions. Any old fool can not make a decision.

mcguirkj

Profguy, if you're reading this, my heart goes out to you.

The way I see it, the ball is actually in her court. She knows how you feel, - and she probably knows that if all else fails, you're the "B" choice.

Is that what you really want to be?

If you want my advice, - smoke her out. Get a girlfriend. Pretend you're really into her (decoy girl). If she ("gilly") is interested, you'll know fairly soon.

If she's not, you'll know equally as soon. And you'll still have a girlfriend to lessen the pain.

As regard your post, I know how you feel. Been there, done that. Still great friends. I got out of the rut by stopping all thoughts of the future, and just living in the moment, - if that makes any sense.