partner with depression - what to do

LegacyUser

I've been with my partner for about 3 years. About a year ago my partner started suffering from depression. They did tell me they had a history of this in the past so I wasn't shocked. I said we would work through it and everything would be ok. In that time we've since bought somewhere together (which had been in the pipeline before my partner started to suffer from depression). We get on really well together and I try to be as supportive as I possibly can be. We've had our ups and downs in the last year due to depression with some major arguements and with me bringing up the fact that its very hard for me to deal with and no matter what I try to do to help doesn't seem to make a difference. Our sexual relationship is non existent. My partner says that it is not due to lack of physical attraction and I believe this. I really don't know what to do as I don't see things getting any better in the near or distant future. I feel I am being held back with my life as I am constantly aware that I have to be there for support and don't have the freedom that I had before we met. I am in my mid 20's and I feel bad that I think to myself that this isnt the situation I'd imagined myself being in at this time in my life. Because we are not as intimately close as we once were, I feel I am starting to find myself being attracted to other people.
My partner doesn't receive much support from their family and they are totally reliant on me for someone to talk to. They are going to counceling and on medication but this doesn't ultimately cure the situation. I feel under a lot of undue pressure because of the situation and I also feel guilty when I think it would be best for me to get out of the situation. I have brought up how hard it is on me and it usually brings up a whole lot of upset with me backing down, partly from not wanting to hurt my partner or make them feel any worse or abandoned. This is complicated by the fact we bought a place together.
I honestly don't know how much longer I can stay in my current situation. I'm sorry I might seem a bit vague but I do know my partner browses this forum from time to time as well.

I'd appreciate any helpful advice.

xebec

This is a really tough time in your life. You're going to have to make some big decisions, which are made even harder by the commitment of buying a house together.

A good first step for you would be to go and talk to someone about your worries, preferably a professional but if not then someone who will take a neutral stand.

Your partner does need support and caring, but not at your expense. Depression isn't the end of the world and people do come through it, it just takes time.

Reku

This is why I tend to stay away from people, they push you to open up but the problem is that they have no idea of it's impact until it's too late, so best thing I can do is keep them out of my head and at arm's length.

I wish I could give you some really useful advice OP, but all you can do is be there when he wants to talk and understand when he doesn't. Telling him how it's hurting you is not helping as this just throws guilt into the mix with his depression and makes him feel even worse. I know this seems unfair since he's expecting you to listen to his feelings but have to hold back on your own.

You may have to accept that perhaps this will always be a part of who he is and ask yourself if you are sure that he is the person you want to spend your life with.

[Jackass]

You shouldn't feel like you HAVE TO be there and help this person...you should want to because you love them and this is a small price to pay for someone who cares about you so much and you care about them.

But you have to be fair on this person. You've probably been there for them many times in the past and been so good to them that they feel so at ease and trusting with you that you will always be the person they turn to.

Perhaps this comforting means that it's easier for them to fall into this position and as delicate as the situation is, you have to find a way of telling them you want to always be there for them (if you do) but they have to try and work harder for themselves to be aware that this affects you aswell as them and to try and pick themselves up more and be aware of the depression and try not to take it out on anyone else.


I'm not saying "snap out of it", I know depression is a lot more delicate and complicated than that.

Try and talk together because you both want to help eachother and want to work this out because you love eachother.

Try and find out if anything changed that made the depression worse over the last year or is there anything in particular that gives them anxioty or causes them to be down and take it from there to try and find any changes that can be made in routine/lifestyle that might get things back to the way they were.

Best of luck

vorbis

OP, I can kinda relate to you. My gf gets pretty sad about once every 3 weeks, I wouldn't say she has depression but she definitely flirts with it. At first, I was sympathethic about it and understand that stuff like this can happen. However, after about 6 months of it, I am getting a bit annoyed and like yourself am beginning to resent her.

I'm not really sure what you / I can do to make things better. My gf will make comments about wanting to go back home (she's from Thailand) when she's depressed. These kind of comments and general "I don't like my life" comments I find a burden and leave me wondering whether I should stay with her. Ultimately, I guess its a case of whether the good times outweigh the bad times.