Rut

LegacyUser

Things really suck right now. I have a good career, my own home, a car etc, but I feel utterly miserable. I can’t seem to make lasting bonds with people and I am sitting here, 30 years old with virtually no one in my life. I live far from home and my family aren’t close anyway.

I seem to be attracting so much aggro lately it’s unreal. Last night I tried to request a song from the DJ at a club and was laughed at and told to f-off (without even getting the request out). 5 mins later my friend went up and got a request no problem. Later a guy tried to grope her on the dancefloor and I helped her out and stood up to him for her. Then, a few minutes later she walked off to talk to a guy in the middle of us dancing. I just felt like such an asshole standing there. So I walked. I told her I was leaving and she never checked on me or came after me at all. I’d just had enough of being the helpful sidekick who everyone ignores until they’re useful. I ended up calling her to see if she got home safe and she never even apologised.
3 weeks ago, I was out and people were being horrible to me at the bar, shoving me etc. I ended up in the toilets in tears, throwing my bag at the wall in anger. This is all so unlike me. I hate drama.

I tried to fix things. I joined a social group near me to meet new people and they left me off the email to say where to meet up. Emailed them to get it and no reply. I’ve never even met them and they’re rejecting me already!
I joined a book group and everyone was really rude and condescending to me.
I’ve invited members of my family to visit for a weekend (even offered to pay) and they said no.

Despite a troubled childhood, I’ve always been a very happy go lucky person. I’m polite and normally have a great time with people, with or without drink.
I have spent most of my life overcoming difficulties and people who know me are always saying how chilled, friendly and happy I am, how good I am to people. My mother says I’m too good and should just pull away for a while. But pull away from what? I am not a part of anyone’s life. I may as well not be here.

Yet still, no one ever invites me on nights out, no one calls, no one visits. I love having all my friends over and cooking for them, having some wine, good chats. Eventually after a few months of friendship people stop talking to me. They avoid me, make excuses. My very best friend (of 10 years) cancelled the only holiday I was getting this year cos she was broke. A week later she went away with a friend from work. A girl she’s known all of 6 months.

At the moment I feel completely isolated and am starting to get very down and depressed about it. People in work ignore me. I ask a question at a meeting and no answers. No one. I find myself looking in the mirror checking I don’t have a streak of poo in my head or something. I asked my doctor if I had BO. And no I don’t. I’m a fit, supposedly attractive woman in my late 20’s. I do keep fit a couple of times a week, so am getting exercise and I eat really healthily. I’ve never been a social pariah.

And it’s thinking like that that has me worried about the situation. I feel like my existence is pointless and I have no place. And that’s the start of a downward spiral for many people.
I know no one on here can ‘fix’ it or offer any real answers. Guess I just wanted to put it but there as I haven’t got someone to talk to about it. I’ll end up posting something angry and miserable on my Bebo and then people will just have further excuses to avoid me thinking I am crazy.

Perhaps it’s just a rut. I’ve been thinking of moving abroad, starting over, or nearer to home. But if the problem is me, how will that help? I just wish I had people in my life who cared enough to have me in their life.
I just can’t go on like this, as I think it’s going down a dangerous road of being very depressed and I’m worried I’m not going to be able to snap out of it.

Oh god this has ended up so long. Sorry.

moco

Maybe you come across as being quite highly strung??

For example, having a fit in the toilets because you got pushed at the bar on a night out. This happens to everyone on a night out, it's no big deal. It's not like everyone singled you out to push. This attitude that everyone is against you might be the root of your problem.

spinandscribble

you were angry at your friend for talking to a random guy? is that what you wanted her to say sorry for? that doesnt seem fair and if i was your friend i wouldnt want to go out either. i mean just because you helped her doesnt mean she needed to be by your side all night.

blow69

^Maybe but that doesn't mean you just totally abondon your friend in the middle of the dancefloor when you know she'll be on her own.

spinandscribble

oh i thought they were in a group. different story if it was just the two of them.

LegacyUser

well, we all go through times like this I think , perhaps is a good time to make a trip somewhere, travelling always help to change the way you see your life and also a good chance to meet people and all that.
Its though but you just have to battle it and win it
Chin up

LegacyUser

Wow, I didn't expect to be forced to defend myself.

As I said, none of this behaviour is like me. That's the reason I am worried.

I am a very positive person, not at all highly strung, but as things have gone on, friend's move, get married etc I have become very lonely and isolated. Being so down is causing me to be a bit paranoid and irrational and I am utterly unsure how to fix the situation, given that I have tried everything I can think of.

I would normally shrug off rude people, as normal well balanced people do, but that time I freaked out.

It's hard being isolated and unless you know how it feels, I don't think it's fair to pass judgements, especially when you haven't even bothered to read the post properly.
My family don't care about each other at all, we're very fractured, and people these days aren't terribly genuine let's be honest. It's very hard as an adult to make friends, and harder to meet romantic partners when you do f-all socialising.

madeupname34 and others, thanks for the kind words. I guess it will pass, but then I thought that a year ago and I'm starting to wonder if this isn't just how I am - unlikeable even to random strangers.
Here we go again. even that defeatist, self pitying attitude isn't like me at all!

I just think this could slip into a real depression (or already is) and I guess writing up here was to get out what I couldn't discuss with my friends and family. I don't like to discuss my problems with them for fear I'll seem like no fun and be a downer.

I have been trying to plan trips and holidays but when the people you've booked with cancel so rudely and unkindly, it just takes the shine off it. I have a couple of trips planned next year and I do nice things for myself. I'm just so sick of being alone all the time, day in day out, no calls, no one interested. God knows how long it would be before they found me if I fell in the shower!

moco

Unregpipost wrote: »

Wow, I didn't expect to be forced to defend myself.

As I said, none of this behaviour is like me. That's the reason I am worried.

I am a very positive person, not at all highly strung, but as things have gone on, friend's move, get married etc I have become very lonely and isolated. Being so down is causing me to be a bit paranoid and irrational and I am utterly unsure how to fix the situation, given that I have tried everything I can think of.

I would normally shrug off rude people, as normal well balanced people do, but that time I freaked out.

It's hard being isolated and unless you know how it feels, I don't think it's fair to pass judgements, especially when you haven't even bothered to read the post properly.
My family don't care about each other at all, we're very fractured, and people these days aren't terribly genuine let's be honest. It's very hard as an adult to make friends, and harder to meet romantic partners when you do f-all socialising.

madeupname34 and others, thanks for the kind words. I guess it will pass, but then I thought that a year ago and I'm starting to wonder if this isn't just how I am - unlikeable even to random strangers.
Here we go again. even that defeatist, self pitying attitude isn't like me at all!

I just think this could slip into a real depression (or already is) and I guess writing up here was to get out what I couldn't discuss with my friends and family. I don't like to discuss my problems with them for fear I'll seem like no fun and be a downer.

I have been trying to plan trips and holidays but when the people you've booked with cancel so rudely and unkindly, it just takes the shine off it. I have a couple of trips planned next year and I do nice things for myself. I'm just so sick of being alone all the time, day in day out, no calls, no one interested. God knows how long it would be before they found me if I fell in the shower!

How's things on the relationship front, do you want a boyfriend??

LegacyUser

Hey I can relate to how you're feeling. You could be describing me four years ago.
I went through a very bad patch, with no apparent cause, and felt pretty much like you do now right down to my best mate cancelling our holiday only to go away with another friend!

I think you are depressed, your over-reaction to the nightclub incident highlights how sensitive you are to minor things.

Can I ask if you are on the pill? Because I was and went to my GP to ask for advice. I was feeling very isolated and down and didn't know why I was feeling that way.
She told me to come off the pill and BINGO, within a month the old me was back. In my case, the pill had over-magnified every bad feeling and made me depressed.

You need to continue plugging away at finding a hobby or interest. OK, the social group left you off the email, forget that.
Find something you really enjoy doing and try to forget about other people in the group.
Let's say you take up horse riding. Focus on yourself, feel the moment when you're doing it, get in tune with yourself before you worry about others and what they might think of you.

Best of luck!

ntlbell

you come across to me like your very hard work and highly strung.

try chilling out a bit and not taken life or yourself too seriously...

kittex

Some nasty comments on here. The OP is clearly down and depressed and lonely with no one to talk to and NTLbell and moco think they can make such flippant remarks "you're highly strung" "you're hard work". You don't even know this person! And they've said these couple of incidents are unusual for them. I don't think it's helpful to make comments like that. If you're too lazy to read the thread properly, why bother? You don't know this person's history or background and you are assigning all blame for their situation on the way they are acting while depressed.

How cruel and nasty and unnecesarry.

Perhaps the OP's problem is blaming himself. The world is full of rude, cruel, nasty people who want to stick it in to people who show any sign of weakness. And unfortunately in our world, doing too much for people, being too open is seen as a weakness.
If they want to be like that, then fine. It's their issue, not yours. Keep the faith and you will find like minded people.

moco, if you had read it properly you'd have seen the OP said they were alone. I hardly think they have a boyfriend/girlfriend.

ntlbell

kittex wrote: »

Some nasty comments on here. The OP is clearly down and depressed and lonely with no one to talk to and NTLbell and moco think they can make such flippant remarks "you're highly strung" "you're hard work". You don't even know this person! And they've said these couple of incidents are unusual for them. I don't think it's helpful to make comments like that. If you're too lazy to read the thread properly, why bother? You don't know this person's history or background and you are assigning all blame for their situation on the way they are acting while depressed.

How cruel and nasty and unnecesarry.

Perhaps the OP's problem is blaming himself. The world is full of rude, cruel, nasty people who want to stick it in to people who show any sign of weakness. And unfortunately in our world, doing too much for people, being too open is seen as a weakness.
If they want to be like that, then fine. It's their issue, not yours. Keep the faith and you will find like minded people.

moco, if you had read it properly you'd have seen the OP said they were alone. I hardly think they have a boyfriend/girlfriend.

Exactly I don't know the person so I can only comment based on the information before me.

The same way your now making assumtions about me based on my post.....

curiousxxx1

OP, u dont need to travel with friends.. I think you should plan a spa weekend away and go relax and re-evaluate your life.
Friends come and go, never trust another person as yourself, life is short.
People disappoint each other all the time, try not to take it personal

moco

kittex wrote: »

Some nasty comments on here. The OP is clearly down and depressed and lonely with no one to talk to and NTLbell and moco think they can make such flippant remarks "you're highly strung" "you're hard work". You don't even know this person! And they've said these couple of incidents are unusual for them. I don't think it's helpful to make comments like that. If you're too lazy to read the thread properly, why bother? You don't know this person's history or background and you are assigning all blame for their situation on the way they are acting while depressed.

How cruel and nasty and unnecesarry.

Perhaps the OP's problem is blaming himself. The world is full of rude, cruel, nasty people who want to stick it in to people who show any sign of weakness. And unfortunately in our world, doing too much for people, being too open is seen as a weakness.
If they want to be like that, then fine. It's their issue, not yours. Keep the faith and you will find like minded people.

moco, if you had read it properly you'd have seen the OP said they were alone. I hardly think they have a boyfriend/girlfriend.

If YOU read MY post you'll see I asked if she wants a boyfriend, not if she has one.

Marksie

kittex wrote: »

moco, if you had read it properly you'd have seen the OP said they were alone. I hardly think they have a boyfriend/girlfriend.

Personally based on what i had read earlier I belive he may have been asking the OP for an entirely different reason.

However that may be. OP you appear incredibly stressed about things and its leading to situations where you overreact and read into situations that which may not be there.

Can you think of any reason why all these people suddenly seem to turn against you. or are you in fact looking for it however unintentionally. The social group email may be a case in point, there are a variety reasons.
Did you actually ask why peple cancelled or ignored you?
But you have reached an impasse where you believe anything that happens rather than just some is in fact directed at you.

On teh whole posters here will say things based on what they read inparticular I am referring to prior your second post. The fact the first comment out was that you felt the need to defend yourself, could be interesting. Its only indicatory but it could be that you are in full defnesive closed mode because of your perceptions on how you believe you are being treated.
I am not saying for one instant that its all in your own head, but its entirely possible you are giving signals that put people on their guard, then you take this as rejection and it develops so on and so forth.

Now you ahve told us there is evidence of a fractured family background, whether that has bearing i do not know. But one thing I do know is that your behaviour patern is spiking from extreme to extreme, neiother is it being caused on the whole by other people, it is in fact coming from somewhere within you.

You may have to consider professional help for this as its not getting any better is it? Locate the root cause of the issue ansd yo can start doing something about it.

Marksie

MocO: since you have replied. Could you explain how asking her if she wants a boyfriend is pertinent to the thread?

moco

Marksie wrote: »

MocO: since you have replied. Could you explain how asking her if she wants a boyfriend is pertinent to the thread?

Just wondering if she's happy being single or if maybe the lack of a relationship could be the think that's getting her down in the first place.

Some people are happy being single so it may not be an issue for her anyway, just an idea.

dudara

OP, I'm getting very mixed vibes from your post. It seems to me that you're not "seeing" yourself clearly.

For instance, you say that you are social and enjoy chats with friends. The next statement is then how everyone abandons you after a few months.

How lonely do you feel right now, and how lonely have you felt throughout your life? (I'm not asking this in a smart way, take time to think honestly). It seems as if you're looking for something but just don't know how to find it yet.

How Strange

OP, you seem to be very defensive about everything - your friend going off with a guy in the club, getting pushed out at the bar, being left off the mail from the social group, your second post.

Do you expect people to disappoint you, let you down, ignore you etc? Or to ask it another way - do you expect too much from people and then feel disappointed when they don't deliver? And if you expect it do you automatically go on the attack when you feel it happens? People pick up on this type of thing and if you get defensive when you feel you are being wronged then this would make people uncomfortable.

I hear alot of what you are saying but I really think you need to start relying more on yourself, make yourself more self-sufficient and not to be placing so much expectation on other people. From your posts, I would say you are quite lonely and possibly a little depressed. The rage you described when you through your bag against a wall in the toilets of the club is an act of rage and rage directed internally can be a sign of depression.

Other posters have said you should go on holiday on your own and I agree. You need to start enjoying your life on your own. By doing that you won't be so dependent on other people and I think that will ultimately make you alot more relaxed around people and you may notice they react differently then.

LegacyUser

Hi,
I am 30 odd and female and feel the same as the OP.
I think it is hard at this age to meet people/ boyfriends, friends. The effort involved in meeting new people and joining clubs takes up alot of time. In today society nobody has time for anyone anymore. If you have a problem you must be depressed or need to talk to someone - which sometimes I think is stupid. I can be defensive but I think this is a way to protect yourself as you have to rely on yourself.
Some times it would be nice to have a partner or friend to confide in. But no one seems to want to know you when you are going through a bad patch. You have to be fun around all the time in order to have loads of friends. I think what worries me most is that I will be on my own for awhile or may never meet anyone. Women at this age are desperate to meet guys in order to say they have someone. Maybe I am wrong.
OP I was in a club with a friend a few wks ago and she went off with a guy and left me standing there. I felt awful. I never felt so alone and worthless in my life.
I have though of going away for a year but then it would mean sarting all over again.
I don't have any answers but it must be the age, adjusting to the 30's. Alot of my friends are getting married now or the ones that are single are out hunting for men. This is not me.
I think being 30 single and female is hard.