sexless marriage

dumptruck

Nothing new I'm sure, but I'm too damn young!
Opinion wanted. Am in my 30s, married only a few years.
All physical contact has frozen over since tiny feet arrived about 2 yrs ago.
I can count on one hand the number of intimate moment we'd had since then. I have been extremely patient since then.

It's been a stressful couple of years, aside from little one, but there is no sign of ANY type of intimate physical activity, and it's sidelined when i try and discuss it. We do talk about it, and usually end up arguing. She thinks we'll be fine, just give her another few months!! I don't think it's normal, and would like other opinions. I'm not looking for full on...anything would be nice. We get on fine otherwise, although we've a lot on at the moment, and it feels more like we're work colleagues than a couple. I really think some intimacy would greatly help us.

Would be curious to know if this should be considered unusual, and at what point should we be getting help. It is gnawing away at me, and I'm not sure if I'm losing interest or patience, or both.
Dumptruck

Seth Brundle

Why does she ask for another few months?
Have you gone away together without the nipper?

dumptruck

I don't know why?! She's not "ready". I'm not trying to be chauvinistic, that's just what she said. in fairness, it's been a hectic time recently, new house, new job, new baby, etc, etc, but it was last Jan since we had any fun! We're not THAT busy.

Haven't gone away for long, just a day or night. she just wants to sleep then.

She says she is still into me, just not interested in sex right now. How many months should i be waiting before getting more worried.

bronte

That's crap op.. best thing to do is sit down and have a heart to heart with her...she might be a bit delicate...but tell her how important it is to you and that you miss her..
I hope you figure it out

low

you need a professional, that isn't acceptable.

Carrigart Exile

Two things, she might still be suffering from post natal depression, it can manifest itself in many ways.

Second thought a combination of perpetual tiredness and being in the 'new mum zone' can wipe teh gloss off of any thoughts of a sexy encounter.

If you can afford it let her get away for a weekend with her girly mates, maybe one of those spoil yourself weekends. You look after the wee one for the weekend. It will remind her she is a woman and not just a mum and might just break the cycle of baby tiredness. I would also suggest it is worthwhile she has her iron levels checked out.

dumptruck

thanks for advice. she has had a few girlie events in the last couple of years. I'm all for it, and always encouraging it. I'll think about your advice re reminding herself she's a woman...sometimes i think she hates herself.

Marksie

Sex drive can dramatically alter with circumstances OP that much is true and can happen with the arrival of kids.

Have you taken her away from the stress at all, weekends things like that?

More importantly, there seems to be a communication breakdown. She either skirts/ignores the issue or it ends up in arguments. It means the issue is being approached in a confrontational manner. Certainly the few months comment is dodging things.

When you talk about intimacy are you refering to sexual contact by chance? Intimacy and sex are two different things.
She may very well think that any intimate gesture may require full sex on her part. You may very well have to go back to basics and rediscover everything. Develop intimacy without expectations and slowly build it from there.

If you cannot communicate openly without arguments on this issue then a counsellor or facilitator is the route to go. She may very well have self esteem issues following childbirth or other issues that she cannot communicate to you as carrigart exile indicated, and perhaps you are not listening to them.

LegacyUser

dumptruck
i was in a similar situation. it was 2 1/2 years between having the baby and any sexual contact . i was a serious bone of contention and drove a serious wedge between us. We both had the attitude of your wife - that it would all come good in the end.
it kinda did. We split for other reasons later.

as for the sex thing. she went to a sex threapist for a session but came back saying she'd learnt nothing and was relutant to try anything.
I felt she had PND but when i brought up the subject my head was bitten off.

anyway it did work out (sex wise) in the end. But i'll be honest with the bad feeling and lac of intimacy we never got as close as we used to be.

During this period I felt like playing away and/or leaing but I was determined to do the right thing and make our family work. I always felt like she didn't try - i still believe she could have tried harder - i think she gave up or couldn't be bothered.

In hindsight (I'll admit this is due to us spliting subsequently) I should have left after the 2 year mark if not before.
In ways I feel i wasted years with somebody who drifted away from me but I was too determined to be the good husband, good father and neglected my own happiness.

anyway that's me.
I can only advised seeing a professional but make sure it's together not just her on her own.
But remember it's your life too and you are entitled to be happy

StormWarrior

If she's put on weight since having kids, maybe she has lost all confidence in her appearance and feels downtrodden and mumsy. Buy her some flowers, compliment her every day, make her feel gorgeous, maybe it will help.

seamus

StormWarrior wrote: »

If she's put on weight since having kids, maybe she has lost all confidence in her appearance and feels downtrodden and mumsy. Buy her some flowers, compliment her every day, make her feel gorgeous, maybe it will help.

Indeed, on top of this there may be something more psychological to it. I don't have a whole pile of personal experience on this, but perhaps there's a shift in her head. Perhaps she's no longer the sexual being she once was and is now a "Mum". Many people's upbringings make a serious taboo of sex, so I can easily see how some people see "Mum" and "sexual being" as being mutually exclusive states. That is, because she now considers herself to be a mother, perhaps (subconciously) she doesn't feel that sex is appropriate (or required) any longer.

While this isn't rare, it's not acceptable OP. Side-skirting the issue or turning it into an argument are just mechanisms she uses to avoid discussing the issue with herself.

Talliesin

How are things romantically, rather than sexually, between the two of you. That can suffer when responsibilities make things harder to organise, which in turn can lead to one not feeling very sexy.

Mazeire

Not a doctor not claiming to be either, but it could be post natal depression? Lack of libido is a big part of it. It can go on for two years or longer if left unchecked.

curiousxxx1

There might be more; she may have put on weight and is insecure and doesn't want you to see her that way. Not speaking from experience but as a girl after the tiny feet arrive there would be a few extra tires:) and she may not be comfortable with it.
Tell her how much you love her and buy sexy lingerie and make her model them for you and promise her a masage, leg rub, breakfast in bed...
OP, you sound desperate at this stage i reckon you do all the things she likes.. be a yes man for one night-tonight! And let us know how you get on;)

dumptruck

thanks for all the replies, I'll try and respond to each of you:

bronte: had several heart to hearts, and she certainly knows damn well how important it is to me.

low: perhaps...not sure

carrigart exile: We discussed PND, and she was concerned she might have it, but it's such a wooley illness, it's very easy convince yourself that you might have it, and don't. I've no issue with a girlie weekend, discussed it and encouraged it. Arranging it seems an issue. I think she doesn't want to give the impression that she NEEDS something like this, and have her mates wondering about her. She was on iron for a long time after birth. Longer than normal I believe, but the balance is ok now...checked recently.

Marksie: admittedly, we've not given our relationship much priority with all we've been trying to do the last 18 months or so, new house build, new jobs, and other stressful situations thrown in. Am hoping to work harder on this, as we've definitely reached a milestone on all the stressful projects, and they're nearly over. Intimacy to me is probably largely sexual, but definitely not full on. I'm not looking for just that (not now anyway, glad for anything).

me tooo: I also fear that we'll never be as close as we used to be, but part of me thinks that that's just life. Another part says NO, it's not! I find myself growing in resentment of her, but still greatly attracted to her. It's very frurstrating, and I'm not sure how i feel. Junior is definitely keeping me going lately. I too contemplated some recent opportunities on nights out, but couldn't bear what might result from it. I'm not looking for a one nighter, I want long, fulfilling companionship.

Storm Warrior/Seamus: she hasnt' put on weight, but i do think she thinks little of herself. Can't understand why. I'm not great on the romance thing, usually need a push. I'm generally absent minded, where she is ultra organised usually, and we have opposite opinions on nearly everything! There could be shift in her head, as you put it, but where the hell to you start trying to figure that out.

Talliesin: things aren't good romantically. We have a small circle of support around us, and rely on the same few people all the time to look after nipper so we can get away. We often end up deciding it's too much hassle. Nipper is also not sleeping great lately, after being a textbook baby up to now, so it's harder to relax when not being there ourselves, wondering if our elderly parents are sitting up all night with him. Doesnt' make for a relaxing weekend receipe.

Mazeire: hope not... over 2 years now, perhaps will start improving by itself at this stage.

curiousxxx1: Appreciate a girlie opinion (of course the others might be too!). Wouldn't be the type to go buying lingerie myself, but could pick something up online I guess. Nice idea, would be a good laugh if nothing else, and that would help a little. Yes, I'll try anything right now, and I'll be glad if I have anything to report back!

It's been a very long day. Good night all.

Marksie

dumptruck wrote: »

Marksie: admittedly, we've not given our relationship much priority with all we've been trying to do the last 18 months or so, new house build, new jobs, and other stressful situations thrown in. Am hoping to work harder on this, as we've definitely reached a milestone on all the stressful projects, and they're nearly over. Intimacy to me is probably largely sexual, but definitely not full on. I'm not looking for just that (not now anyway, glad for anything).

me tooo: I also fear that we'll never be as close as we used to be, but part of me thinks that that's just life. Another part says NO, it's not! I find myself growing in resentment of her, but still greatly attracted to her. It's very frurstrating, and I'm not sure how i feel. Junior is definitely keeping me going lately. I too contemplated some recent opportunities on nights out, but couldn't bear what might result from it.

Talliesin: things aren't good romantically. We have a small circle of support around us, and rely on the same few people all the time to look after nipper so we can get away. We often end up deciding it's too much hassle. Nipper is also not sleeping great lately, after being a textbook baby up to now, so it's harder to relax when not being there ourselves, wondering if our elderly parents are sitting up all night with him. Doesnt' make for a relaxing weekend receipe.

Thank you for your detailed responses.
If you dont mind, i will concentrate on those I think are the most important.

Its all revolving around the intimacy/romance/ disconnection between the two of you. you have put them up separately but they are all interconnected and entwined.

Intimacy for you is *some* form of sexual activity. Reassess this, try for the now to remoe the sex from the equation completly. I know for you its what you want but try and loko at the realtioonship as a whole.

Intimacy is baout being connected to your partner. The lives you lead are not giving you this. and you are growing further apart. The stresses and pressures have essentially come between you.
It is very possible that your wife has lost that sense of intimacy and is viewing awhat you are requesting as a biological stress releif function raher than as a means of being a couple.
Sex is NOT intimacy, though intimacy can be through sex. intimacy cand be simple things (in fact its all simple things ) a touch, look, talking about things. Taking time for each other. It doesnt have to be a big things, juts a daily series of gestures. As simple as listening to her and vice versa when things are too muhc. Not offering to do anything but taking time to listen to the daily gripe and taking it on board.
Intimacy cann be as simple as holding each other while the lights are off and you are watching the telly. A means of coming closer. It can be massage wiothot th expectations of sex, just a simple bonding exercise or it can be talking about past things and enjoying the moment alone, even for half an hour before sleep.
Romance: As I am writing this its hard to seprate these things out as they are totally involved with each other. Romance is not big gestures either, weekends away (though nice) it can be again a simple touch. or a simple note or message on a card, it can even be breakfast in bed. and its an ongoing process.
OK i accept that life here these days has put undue pressures on you and a lot of other couples. IN the race to success things have been lost.
But work out to yourself, what in the end it will achieve if the resentment you say is growing continues to do so.
If you cannot go away for the weeknd then dont go away. But see if you can get a night alone then take time to simply be together. 1 night, once or twice a month.. if you can do new jobs and a new house you CAN do that.
What i am going to describe is something from my perspective i do on a very regular basis. For this I am going to call it setting an intimate space, to reinforce the ideas i am trying to communicate.
Set the night and stick to it, no exuses. Phones off, no distractions. If you dont want to cook, get that favourite takeaway ordered, your favourite wine. But get ready to serve it on the best china and in a different setting.
Change your room. I personally if setting in the living room, shift all the furniture ou and back an put all the bedding on te floor. I have the fire lit if necessary, candles and incense going. Invest in rich coloured cushions and throws and literally chuck em over the place and over all teh furniture or pin em to the walls. Put teh soft music on, perhaps songs you listened to when you first dated. THus your living room becomes a different place altoigether. A place for you two and you two alone.

Take a bath together if you can or, even better bathe your wife while she is in the bath, a glass of chapagne is nice too there as well. Then switch and she can bathe you. Its not an essentail but its nice to do it. At least shower and get rid of the day. Then change into smart clothes., Treat it as if you were going somewhere new.
serb#ve the m,eal and the wine in the room, and enjoy the moment, dont look forward to expectations of anythng else. Just be there with each other and leave the problems at the door.

Let the night go where it will, dont talk to fill space, but talk if you what to. Juts be realced and if necessary make perfectly clear that this isnt leading to sex, but justs that you want to spend time with each other.

Talk abiout good times in your life, times when you were connected, "do you remember when...."
I am sitting her and i have recalled the time i was at a film 8 years ago. I dont remember the film (richard gere in china lol). but what i did recall vividly is stroking my partners wrist gently with my finger, how it felt and what happened after. i took an 8ish year old event and brought it and the feelings associated with it back into the now and the present. That is a step in "getting things back to what they were". You are rediscovering alll that you thought great about each other in the first place.

Juts let things gio as they will and enjoy it without the expectations. By all measn suggest a massage to destress. Again thats intimacy, romance and rediscovery allrolled into one.

OK its juts a suggestuion, but hopefully you can see where its coming from. But the crucial thing is, keep it up, both on nights like that and through out daily life.

One fo you has to take the first step in this, and its you. Juts continue and in doing eventually she will respond in turn.

I aint offering you a quick fix, juts an opportunity to change the way both of you interrelate. IN the end, it all comes down to you two. Ity will take work and committment on bioth your parts. And the willingess to face the issues openly and without argumemnt
All the best
mark

LegacyUser

marksie:
your last post was very detailed and quite correct.
but as somebody who has had a similar experience - no sex after the baby - the issue was with intimacy as well. It took over 2 years to have a massage. I did suggest dinner and a candlelit bath..was going to be all fancy - just us chilling out no pressure, no sex and her response was our bath wasn't big enough for 2.
-well that kinda was a kick in the stones.

I can't answer for dumptruck but i suspect it's a similar issue. It's nothing at all.

tbh this was after 2 years of nothing - maybe a few hugs max - and at the time I needed intimacy with no sex as much as she did , although i was dying for sex I actually felt awkward with her cos i was unused to it - or that aspect of a relationship with her.

Marksie

me too again wrote: »

marksie:
your last post was very detailed and quite correct.
but as somebody who has had a similar experience - no sex after the baby - the issue was with intimacy as well. It took over 2 years to have a massage. I did suggest dinner and a candlelit bath..was going to be all fancy - just us chilling out no pressure, no sex and her response was our bath wasn't big enough for 2.
-well that kinda was a kick in the stones.

I can't answer for dumptruck but i suspect it's a similar issue. It's nothing at all.

tbh this was after 2 years of nothing - maybe a few hugs max - and at the time I needed intimacy with no sex as much as she did , although i was dying for sex I actually felt awkward with her cos i was unused to it - or that aspect of a relationship with her.

I very much understand what you are saying and appreciate that you made continued efforts. Its saddening that they were not returned or appreciated.

b3t4

Ok, I'm not sure how appropriate or helpful the following advise will be as I have never been in this situation but here goes anyways.

At this time and at this stage in yeer relationship then you've got to do small things. It isn't about the big things and the big gestures at the moment. Honestly, as lovely as the candle lit dinner and romantic bath and all the rest sound your wife is probably thinking 'sure all he wants is sex' and if you're truly honest that probably is all your thinking.

Why not have fun together? This is going to sound daft but why not play some board games together. Bring some laughter back into yeer life, as by the sound of things there isn't any at the moment.

Also, small gestures are way better than trying any big ones rights now. Do something meaningful and thoughtful for your wife. If she doesn't get the thought from it tell her why you got it. Sometimes the thought we put into something doesn't always translate to other people but if you spell it out to them it means all the more.

Don't buy her lingerie. The pressure that comes with sexy underwear will cause your wife to close up even further.

A

dumptruck

Marksie,
I'm very grateful to you for putting so much thought and effort into my situation in your reply. I think your partner is lucky!! Aside from your very good and detailed advice, a couple of points were particularly interesting to me:
"if you can do new jobs and a new house you CAN do that." - I never really though of it like that. I'm a fact based person, I like things laid out, and will turn my hand at anything once I have specific information and goals. I suppose I'm a bit black and white. I think I'd look at building a house as easier than slowly working on a relationship, not knowing how long, or what there will be at the end, if you know what i mean.
"a glass of chapagne is nice too there as well" - we have 2 bottles in the fridge since last Feb! All the events we bought them to celebrate, have passed, and they've never been opened! Says a lot I suppose!
The things you mention as intimacy, listening, gestures, etc, I would consider good companionship/friendship I think.
I can see where you are coming from, and I know the situation cannot involve a quick fix, so I will reassess things and try and be less clinical as I'm accused of being sometimes.

me too again: while our situations are very similar, i do feel my wife will respond, and will probably be shocked and thrilled at me taking the initiative with some of the things above. Learning to make it part of our weekly routine might be a bit harder, but its' not the hardest thing to practice!

b3t4: Last Christmas, while buying presents, I actuall bought a 20 games in 1 box type set, for my wife and I, for just that reason, to have a bit of fun. We've used it about 3 times since!! I'm going to buy a Nintendo wiii this year, as I hear that's a real screem!, and we can work up a sweat in other ways than sex!!! Anyway, fun has been a bit scarse of late.

Gotta run.
Thanks all again.
Dumptruck.