Exes and intermittent contact

LegacyUser

Broke up with a boyfriend of three years some months back. It was a long protracted break up and I didn’t take it well especially when I found out he was sleeping with someone else a month after we split. Totally lost it when I did to be honest (Queue drunken hysterics which were awful but in fairness he’s had a few in his time himself.) We had been in contact until that point but due to my reaction agreed then that we shouldn’t. This is made easier by the fact that he’s moved away and it’s the best thing in the world not to have to bumping into him or any new flames but I really would love to know how he’s getting on. I caved on the no contact deal and texted him to see how he was and then the next day when a local news story broke but did not receive any response. I then sent an email wishing him all the best and trying to clear up something we fought about when last we spoke. Wish I hadn’t now as I’m more hurt now that he hasn’t responded. I don’t want to know his daily comings and goings at all because I’d never free my head of him if we did have that level of contact but it’s so rotten to have someone in your life for so long and then have them disappear completely. We went through an awful lot together and I hate that he’s obviously feeling such hostility towards me he won’t even acknowledge any correspondence and has deleted me from any contact lists etc. Surely if you loved someone for that length of time and neither party had cheated or anything you’d want to salvage some level of friendship albeit from a distance. I understand we should not be in regular contact nor do I wish to be and actually felt a huge relief the day he left but am I delusional to think we could at least keep the other up to date from time to time??

Skitbra

Ickyendings wrote: »

Broke up with a boyfriend of three years some months back. It was a long protracted break up and I didn’t take it well especially when I found out he was sleeping with someone else a month after we split. Totally lost it when I did to be honest (Queue drunken hysterics which were awful but in fairness he’s had a few in his time himself.) We had been in contact until that point but due to my reaction agreed then that we shouldn’t. This is made easier by the fact that he’s moved away and it’s the best thing in the world not to have to bumping into him or any new flames but I really would love to know how he’s getting on. I caved on the no contact deal and texted him to see how he was and then the next day when a local news story broke but did not receive any response. I then sent an email wishing him all the best and trying to clear up something we fought about when last we spoke. Wish I hadn’t now as I’m more hurt now that he hasn’t responded. I don’t want to know his daily comings and goings at all because I’d never free my head of him if we did have that level of contact but it’s so rotten to have someone in your life for so long and then have them disappear completely. We went through an awful lot together and I hate that he’s obviously feeling such hostility towards me he won’t even acknowledge any correspondence and has deleted me from any contact lists etc. Surely if you loved someone for that length of time and neither party had cheated or anything you’d want to salvage some level of friendship albeit from a distance. I understand we should not be in regular contact nor do I wish to be and actually felt a huge relief the day he left but am I delusional to think we could at least keep the other up to date from time to time??

I was in exactly the same position. 5 years of dating. She was with someone 3 weeks later. I didn't eat for about a week. Never want to feel like that again. I thought we could keep up contact but as has been said on this pages many times before, break all contact.

It will be just easier on you in the end. It still took me about a year to stop hurting completely. As you said you go through so much together. I didn't get to even say goodbye to her parents or sisters or granny or grandad, after knowing them all so so well.

Break all contact is the best way.

meglome

You're just torturing yourself so you really need to stop trying to contact him. Get on with your own life and don't worry about what he's doing.

Wibbs

Forget friendship at least for now and for a long time after. Also forget your curiousity about how he's doing. What good does it serve, beyond satisfying your curiousity. This idea of salvaging friendship or staying friends seems to be a more woman thing than men. While maybe he wasn't a good BF, he's actually being a good ex, believe it or not. He's doing what it takes to move on and et you move on. You contacting now, unless you wanted to try again, might set him back on his healing which would be a selfish act. Let it go. Let him go. He's trying to let you go.

kaimera

I feel the pain.

Recently ended a 6 year relationship [my own fault(s)] but it seems like I'm the one trying to make the friendship work.

Maybe no contact is the best method...I still haven't figured it out.

Storm_rages

yea it really sucks. But the endless breaking up and fighting also suck! so give yourself time to heal! understand that there can't be contact, it just does not work! I ended up having to ignore an ex after we broke up, i did at the time care about him but i needed it to be over and the constant contact was not good (that and he was a P*ick!). So what i am saying is your ex may care about you and may be doing this for your own good, so you can move on..
just give it time, and ice-cream... ice-cream helps...

Miss Fluff

You have to respect his decision, the Lets Be Friends territory is a tenuous one in any event so best to make a clean break of it for now. You may or may not get to the stage where you can resume contact and be friends but it is a tough one after three years. I think the whole "friendship" malarky is inherently dishonest anyway, there is always one party who wants to remain friends in the hope that it may go further. Get out there girl and enjoy your new found freedom. I'm not being unsympathetic, it is a really tough one, but don't put yourself through it again only for him not to respond, you will only mess with your own head.

Rob_l

Im sorry but get over it, its over, a clean cut is much easier to heal in the end.

Spoony2

its just addiction to some one. You've been with each other for a long time you get used to each other being in your life and where there was once some one there, and now there is noone there and you don't like it, it makes you feel insecure etc im sorry for saying that but I have and am currently going threw it and you will have your good days and bad days and it really sucks, the second i think of a girl who i do really like god knows why shes wrecked my head way to much i want to email her but i dont i talk to one of my friends or go for a walk be strong and ule get there

Personally i think you have to be so strong to get involved with some one, because some times it can be bad but then you have to scrub it as experience and move on in the long run it will be better and im shore ule get threw it the power of positive thinking is needed .

Listen to wibbs tht dude talks sence :cool:

di11on

My experience is that you will always have transient feelings for this guy and as long as you are not with someone else... these transient feelings draw your thoughts to him and cause you this distress.

The feelings will dull over time and when you find someone else, your new feelings will swamp the old ones and it will cease to be an issue.

You're in the emotional no mans land in between relationships and in that void the leftover feelings from your previous relationship are what's calling to you. Be strong and patient and time and new relationships will resolve the issue.

horgan_p

i agree with all thats been said.

staying friends with an ex is like communism : great idea in principal.never works out practically though

Aura

Grappling with this one myself and perhaps I'm being idealistic but I think it sucks not to be able take something positive from a connection made and built on over years as it was in my case too. You have to be honest with yourself though and each other about any underlying feelings that may be there. My ex and I haven't managed to keep in touch but plenty do. Will take some time apart though.