stressed out

stressed out

hi.
I think I am here to vent. I am stressed out and I feel if I don't control my stress I could do something bad

I am 32 years old and a mature student. I moved back home in order to afford to go back to college. I have to pay fees (3,000 per year) and I just can't afford to pay rent on top of other bills. It is stressful enough living with my parents but I've tried to make the most of it.
I am not entitled to any grant (went to college before) and due to the intensive nature of my course I can't have a part-time job. I worked 20 hours part time last year and had to give up as it interfered with my college work. I work 3hours a week now but I only earn 30.00 a week - I have to make this cover my expenses. As a result I have no social life.

I am a high achiever and last year won a design competition as part of my course, but I put a lot of pressure on myself and am really hard on myself. I have a confidence problem and am working on it but things can disrupt it.
As part of my course we have crits and last year one of them went really bad and on top of everything (no boyfriend, no independce, no money) I drove my car to a beach and nearly drove into the sea. This really freaked me out - when I was a lot younger I attempted suicide a few times but have never done it since. I don't want to kil myself - I truly love life but it is so hard to keep the momentum going when I feel I have no release.

(Don't mean to be crude but I also haven't slept with anyone in 3 years and this is also getting to me.)
This is my final year in college and it really matters this year if I get the highest mark I can get. I got distinctions in the last 2 years and it would be a complete waste if I dont get one this year. Also it would be proof to myself that I am good at something.
But the way I feel now I don't know if I can do it. It doesnt help that a few weeks into the college year and there has been a number of arguments and I feel a rift starting with one of my good friends.

I don't really talk about my problems with people. I used to, but I am always making new friends and don't want to bore them. I told no-one about the suicide attempt. I am afraid it could happen this year again. I don't know who to talk to. I went to a behavioral therapist years ago and I don't want to go down that route again.
Sorry for all the moaning

Knockoff Nige

I think you need to focus on the good things that are happening to you and the destination your heading for. All this sacrifice your making now is for a reason and which you'll benefit from in time. You wont just get your qualification, you'll be a stronger and more independent type of person and one who can survive tough conditions. Thats priceless. You've had your twenties, good or bad now start your mature age of life and become an adult.

Every morning I walk past the same homeless person on the street. Some times I give him change sometimes I dont. But his situation makes me sad. Yours should make you excited. You've got a future and a home. He's got no dreams.

SarahSassy

Why dont you contact the university counsellors and try to make an appointment with one of them.

As you know, suicidal feelings should not be ignored..... Please even contact a support line to talk to them and to get options for free counselling services.

LegacyUser

hey

i was in a similar situation in my final year, i put a lot of pressure on myself and decided to not work to focus on my studies. What i did was put up some signs for babysitting in my local shop so i made money babysitting and while kids were in bed i did study and thesis. there are also babysitting agencies available if you just type into google you'll get loads up.

also i had a lot of family rubbish on in college during my final year. i kept telling myself i didnt have enough time to deal with and refused to see the college consellor. eventually i did and it helped so much. you really need to speak to someone and its free in college so why not?

hope this helps with some part anyway.
good luck

Esel

A suggestion: talk to the Samaritans? E-mail jo@samaritans.org .

You sound like a determined, conscientious, hard-working person (2 distinctions, having the guts to move back home so you can afford this course). Don't be too hard on yourself.

Talk to your good friend. Just tell them you have been feeling a bit down, and you hope it hasn't affected your relationship. No need to go into too much detail if you don't want to.

Are you sleeping well, eating well and getting regular exercise? Exercise (brisk walking is easy and one of the best things you can do) will help to improve your mood.

The suggestion to talk to your college counsellor is a good one. Think about it. You can talk about how the 'crit' made you feel.

It is better to act on your issues now, rather than let them build. Depending on how bad you are feeling, consider talking to your GP too.

Keep us posted!

stressed out

thank you for all the replies. I think some days are worse than others and today was a bad day

stressed out

Thank you all for the good advice. I like the idea of babysitting - it is an ideal job for a student.
Regarding the counsellor. One of the reasons I never went was I feel at 32 it would be strange going there as I would be a lot older than a lot of the students. I know everyone needs to talk to someone but I feel I should have myself sorted out at my age.

UnderPantsMan

I know a guy who was recently bitten by a junkie and has to wait three months before any test can show if he is HIV positive.

Seriously, take a step back and think... are things REALLY that bad?

cornbb

You should be proud of all your hard work, determination, self discipline etc. But it seems to have reached a point where it may be affecting your quality of life. The prospect of being devastated by not getting 3 distinctions in a row is not healthy, just like what happened over one bad crit. If your academic work is going so well it would probably be good for you to ease off that accelerator slightly and spend some time on reinforcing your friendships, building up a love life etc.

A few hours of babysitting a week doesn't sound like a bad idea either. Or maybe it would be possible to get a few hours a week teaching or researching in your college department? Either that or babysitting shouldn't disrupt your college work too much.

Pigeon Reaper

Design courses are always busy and expensive. It's hard not to take the critiques personally too. If you're in the final year it's not too long to continue with all this and then you'll be clear of the hassle. Talk to the staff in the college. They can help you more than you might think.

Oryx

Cut yourself some slack. Youre pushing yourself very hard right now, its to be expected that youre stressed. (you may think everybody else can cope so why cant I, but theyre not you.) Instead of thinking youre not doing enough try to accept that its ok to not be 100% all the time. Its all well and good striving for perfection and being the best you can be, but in my experience its a bit of a thankless task, cos, jeez, will your best ever be good enough for you? If trying so hard to get a distinction is so important that its making you suicidal, then its time to take a step back from pushing so hard. Your perspective seems skewed by all the pressure, tbh. It may seem impossible, but take a weekend off working to think, maybe. Give yourself a break and you never know it might help you see things a bit clearer.

I have a confidence problem and am working on it but things can disrupt it.

Also it would be proof to myself that I am good at something.

Seems to me that you are looking at achieving this course and getting your distinction, as a way of showing the world and yourself that you are good enough. If Im seeing stuff that isnt there, I apologise.:o As other posters have said I think it is time to talk to someone about this. Because what happens if this course when its done, doesnt fix you, and make you feel content, will you go on and push yourself harder?

LegacyUser

Just one thing:
Having attended college before does not mean you are ineligible for a grant. If you ALREADY have a degree then you are ineligible. If you dropped out before, and have since spent 5 years out of full time education then you are eligible (usual criteria apply).

popebenny16

Just try and hang in there, and think that there are only a few months to go - you've done two and a half years already and you've done great, getting distinctions, fair play to you. Think about how, yes, this is very stressfull, but if you take a step back just think about how good you've done.