I did it again...

LegacyUser

For the first time in over a year I made mself sick, and for the first time in 8 months I cut myself.
I know its stupid, I know its dangerous, it's why I stopped before, but things have become to much, I relapsed, and the thing scaring me is that I liked it more this time. I want to do it again, and I know my friends will kill me for it, but those things are the only things I can control right now, and the release from it is more intense then I remembered.I don't want to go back down that road of secrecy, but I don't know how else to get what I need,for me, only me.

I want to do it- but I want to stop it. I'm confused, and I know where this will lead. I just don't think I'm strong enough to stop myself, or tell my friends.So that leaves you guys. Can anyone help me please?

Kurumba

Hi there,
You poor thing going through this. But the main thing to do now is to seek help of a support group of some sort. Have you used any support groups before? If so give them a call now and they will talk to you about what went wrong and why you felt the need to vomit and cut yourself after a year being free of it.
They are trained to deal with this and will help you through this time. Try and resist any urges to do it again no matter how great the release.
You need to talk to someone about this now before you do end up going back down the road of secrecy and the heartbreak it could cause for you and those who care about you.

If you haven't used a support group before there is a centre in Marino called the Marino Therapy Centre , their number is (01) 8333 063 and their helpline is open until 8pm this evening i think.
From what i hear they are excellent in dealing with people in exactly your situation.
Best of luck and please talk to someone about this now!!!

spurious

Please go and speak to your doctor about this.
Or a teacher/student counsellor, depending on your circumstances.
You need to get help with this. Posting here is the first step, but you need to follow through. It will not just go away.

estar

FellOffTheWagon wrote:

For the first time in over a year I made mself sick, and for the first time in 8 months I cut myself.
I know its stupid, I know its dangerous, it's why I stopped before, but things have become to much, I relapsed, and the thing scaring me is that I liked it more this time. I want to do it again, and I know my friends will kill me for it, but those things are the only things I can control right now, and the release from it is more intense then I remembered.I don't want to go back down that road of secrecy, but I don't know how else to get what I need,for me, only me.

I want to do it- but I want to stop it. I'm confused, and I know where this will lead. I just don't think I'm strong enough to stop myself, or tell my friends.So that leaves you guys. Can anyone help me please?

making yourself sick and cutting yourself are often related to not being able to express suppressed emotion. not learning to speak up for yourself. learning to be quiet and put up with things. the emotions bubble up and you express them through such actions which gives you back control over your emotions.

long term you need to learn how to express yourself in a more positive manner.

well done on realising that such actions are ultimately bad for you. and for wanting to change.

you dont have to do this alone. cutting yourself and making yourself are quite addictive. the nature of addictive habits is that sometimes in recovery you relapse. the key to staying in recovery is to be honest with first yourself and the people around you. if you have supportive friends that you trust and can confide in, you should. yes, they might be disappointed. but your friends want to help. if they are real friends, they are going to want to help you recover.

you need emotional support to get through this time. and to explore why you
take things out on yourself, how you feel about yourself, where this all started, and how you can change that.

and it is possible to recover. most definitely.

you sound like a strong person.

you could contact Bodywhys - they are a voluntary org dealing with eating disorders. they can help put you in touch with therapists that can help.

Cognitive Behavioural Therapy can help stop your addiction, and explore what happens before you self harm, and alternatives to self harm.

i wish you the best. you are brave to seek help. keep it up. you are worth it.

estar

FellOffTheWagon wrote:

For the first time in over a year I made mself sick, and for the first time in 8 months I cut myself.
I know its stupid, I know its dangerous, it's why I stopped before, but things have become to much, I relapsed, and the thing scaring me is that I liked it more this time. I want to do it again, and I know my friends will kill me for it, but those things are the only things I can control right now, and the release from it is more intense then I remembered.I don't want to go back down that road of secrecy, but I don't know how else to get what I need,for me, only me.

I want to do it- but I want to stop it. I'm confused, and I know where this will lead. I just don't think I'm strong enough to stop myself, or tell my friends.So that leaves you guys. Can anyone help me please?

this group might provide you with some information

otherwise

http://www.bodywhys.ie/ - they are meant to be very good.

Aware is another excellent org to contact for information regarding your choices for treatment

or else keep posting here. tell us how you are feeling about things, your life, yourself, whats going on thats putting pressure on you, what happened in the past that might have effected you

or just general chat.

what other things cant you control right now?

Cupcake_Crisis

self harm is one of the worst things in the world to try and get over.....you begin to depend on it and start to think thats theres nothing rally wrong with it....at least i did!! i thought i was over all that when i got help to stop cuttin when i was like 14 but then 3 yrs later things just got really heavy again and i relapsed!! whats so evil about a relapse is that you have the added shame of not feeling strong enogh to stop yourself....and feeling like a failure. imo, its something that will follow you forever...it will always be in the back of your mind as the 'old reliable' but it gets easier to just push it futher and futher to the back of your mind!

i know it will always be with me.....mainly coz i have the scars to remind myself and everyone around me!! the only advice i can really give you is dont refuse help!! as hard as you try you cant get through it on your own...its just way too hard!! im sure you have ppl who will help you and love you no matter what so just trust in them!!

karen3212

Hi Op, I too am sorry to hear about your troubles. I hope you can confide in someone and get help from someone. It's so sad that people get so bogged down at times that they don't even know how to ask for help. I really hope you can contact one of the orgs that Estar has provided too, I'm sure your friends would want to help you too. Take care of yourself and I hope you will figure out why you feel the way you do.

Drift

Hi OP. I know that Pieta House http://www.pieta.ie/ who specialise in helping people with self-harm. They've updated their website recently too; so you can ring, email or book a visit. I heard an interview with the head woman there once and she seemed like a very nice person so I'm sure the people who work with her are too. You've taken the first step to helping yourself stop by posting here please seek out help from people who have experience in the area. And also please don't be afraid to take the help your friends and family want to give ... its very important. Don't hide from them, rely on their help.

Crumble Froo

i think most of anything i can say has already been said, but i just want to add an extra bit of support... plenty of people here have been through a lot of ****, and plenty of people have made it through. i think a lot of people can agree with me when i say that there have been times in their lives when they have felt like things might never get better, or that they would be sucked back into their self destruction habits and addictions...

i know i for one certainly have, and i know i've met a surprising amount of people who, through various circumstances have felt the same way.

it can get better.

you can help yourself.

you can turn things around.

most importantly, all the **** you're going through now, you can get through, and you can put behind you .

you have the power to do it, the same way you have the power to harm yourself and add to your problems with that kind of behaviour (and i really hope that doesnt sound condescending), but the same way you have that power, you have the power to bit by bit, work your way up out of whatever it is you're stuck in now.

i don't know the details, so i cant give you specific directions, but if you are young/in your teens, then your best bet is probably the school counsellour etc options. sometimes, even with all the **** going on around you, even just little things like getting to know yourself better, listing things you like about you, or friends like about you, or things that you mightnt like about yourself, but you have the power to change (eg personality traits, like maybe being more patient etc, for a rough example), just little self esteem building exercises.

i found, that when everything was going wrong around me, when i actually loved myself, and had confidence in myself, even just hte smallest amount, that wouldnt even show when i had to meet people etc, just having that small sense of love/respect/whatever you wana call it for myself, and it was easier to resist harming myself and my body.

um... ok, it's a bit late now, and that is probably a bit rambly, i hadnt intended saying so much, but hopefully you can take something from that, and maybe something will help.

all my best wishes, OP, falling off the wagon is just one of those things. dont beat yourself up about it, that will do you no good. for me, just thinking how bad i felt after falling off the wagon was as much an inspiration for getting back on and staying back on as actually wanting to get better. the wanting to get better came a bit later, and i did fall off again later, only to get back up for longer. twas heartbreaking every time i did fall back into my old ways, but each time strengthened my resolve, and reminded me not to let stresses build up, and how important a good network of friends and personal interests are.

maybe next time you feel like you're about to cave in to the behaviours, maybe try hop on boards and just say it, and distract yourself, or pick up a pen and paper and just start writing, write everything out, put your heart and soul onto the paper, sometimes just seeing stuff written there in front of you can be like having a control on it. if you play an instrument, pick it up, jam, put your lifesblood into perfecting your favourite song...

hope some of htis helps a little...

*hugs*

Reku

estar wrote:

cutting yourself and making yourself are quite addictive. the nature of addictive habits is that sometimes in recovery you relapse.

I'm not sure I'd call them addictive, if nothing else the recovery can be offputting. I'd say it's more a case of they become learned release mechanisms, much like binge eating, it's not that binge eating is addictive in and of itself it's just that it allows the mind to dwell on something else for a while when the problem is too difficult for it to currently deal with. Different people develop different release mechanisms based on their personalities and their previous exposure to release mechanisms. The reason you liked it more was probably down to the sense that you've been holding off and denying yourself for so long and as such the release felt more intense.

As such trying other release mechanisms, such as creative venting (painting/writing when you feel really bad, express yourself through the creations), exercise (running, swimming, boxing or whatever) or some other avenue might be the best way to stop self harm, I won't lie to you, I've still not found anything as effective (for me) myself, some have come quite close though.