Is it worth it?

LegacyUser

My boyfriend and i have been together for around three months now...

We started off as a one night stand but started seeing eachother and eventually became a couple.

My problem is..my jealousy. I know i overreact alot of the time, but i have tried to better myself alot since it caused our first big row.
He is nearly five years older than me and has been in alot of long term relationships (up to three years). I on the other hand have only had one serious relationship...for two years and 7 months.
It ended quite badly as it turned out that my ex had slept with his ex while we were together only a year and a half (she was a virgin) and i didnt find out until we were two years into the relationship... i also had my first time with him.
This is the most serious of the problems we had.

Since then i have had alot of trouble trusting guys and i had tried seeining other people between the breakup and getting with my current boyfriend.
(We broke up in december 2006)
Btw my new bf wasnt only my 2nd sexual partner.

Basically...i have a very serious complex about his recent ex's. Actually all of them...as i know alot of detail about his relationships with them (how it ended,why,when..their sex lives...etc)
I found out stuff like that from his friends...and also because i have a subconscious need to know these things, although i will only feel hurt afterwards!

I have explained to him how i feel...but yet he seems to unintentionally make me jealous anyway. He, for instance, lets me flick through his phone pictures, and i may stumble accross pictures of him and his ex's kissing...and other things i dont need to see. I get extremely upset by this...more upset than anyone should...and i dont really know why...because he says he loves me and that im the only girl for him...and i love him back...but i still seem to doubt him a little. Although i dont want to!! I want to be in a trusting, loving trelationship with him!! But the fact that i know that he has cheated doesnt help either.

So to cut a long story short...i just dont know whatto do. I want to stop being jealous, but i just cant. It seems that once ive gotten over one thing, the next horrid thing pops up!
I by no means want oto end it...and i know he doesnt either... but this will be the end of us,if something doesnt happen soon.

This, by the way...is the main thing i need help with...other than that we also have a major problem communicating when arguing etc... i believe that things should be talked about and discussed in order for the issue to be resolved, whereas he believes in ignoring it all and pretending nothing happened as that way it'll just 'go away'. Is this right??

I also feel like he at times enjoys tipping me over the edge. We might be mess fighting...and he would hit me a little too hard and then again and i would ask him to stop but he'll just keep irritating me untill i crack and yell and cry and get violent. I dont like this either!!
Or he might call me a bitch or stupid and ill tell him id ratehr he didint...so just to tick me off he'll keep doing it. I know it souynd worse than it is, he doesnt physically or verbally abuse me...but i feel like he might enjoy toying with my mind?
nad then when i do flip, he turns the tables and makes me out to be the bad person.

Phew. Thats alot off my chest.

Any help would be greatly appreciated, sorry about the lengthiness of this but i wanted top convey a pretty clear image. This is not all but its what bothers me most.

Thanks alot guys...!!

bostonian

ditch him. problem solved.

How Strange

Jesus Christ, why don't you get a hammer and keep banging yourself in the head with it. The pain wouldn't be as bad as the situation you've gotten yourself into.

You are with him 3 MONTHS. At that stage, you should still be getting to know each other, not taking things too seriously and enjoying each others company.

But instead both of you are locked in this sadistic relationship where you have discussed the sex lives he had with his exes with his friends...WTF :eek: Why would you want to know that stuff?

You and your jealousy problem - IMO, the 'I've got a problem trusting men because my ex cheated on me' is such a cliche. We all have baggage from previous relationships and some of it is pretty damaging to our self esteem but most people try to leave it behind us and not let it affect our new relationships. My response to that is 'grow up and act like an adult'.

yet he seems to unintentionally make me jealous anyway. He, for instance, lets me flick through his phone pictures, and i may stumble accross pictures of him and his ex's kissing...and other things i dont need to see.

Why does he still have these things in his phone, why does he give you his phone so you can see them and why do you look at them? I can't offer an answer because the mind boggles but you should ask yourself these things.

I get extremely upset by this...more upset than anyone should...and i dont really know why...because he says he loves me and that im the only girl for him...and i love him back...but i still seem to doubt him a little. Although i dont want to!! I want to be in a trusting, loving trelationship with him!! But the fact that i know that he has cheated doesnt help either.

Why do you get so upset? IMO, you are so far from a loving trusting relationship that you would need a map and compass to find one.

i believe that things should be talked about and discussed in order for the issue to be resolved, whereas he believes in ignoring it all and pretending nothing happened as that way it'll just 'go away'. Is this right??

You are contradicting yourself here because you've already admitted that you are insanely jealous, that you get very upset when you see things on his phone that you don't like and then you say you like to talk about things and its his fault because he ignores you. In fairness, if I was with someone who got irrationally jealous every time they saw something they didn't like the look of I would try to ignore any situation which might potentially turn into a jealousy inducted screaming match.

I also feel like he at times enjoys tipping me over the edge. We might be mess fighting...and he would hit me a little too hard and then again and i would ask him to stop but he'll just keep irritating me untill i crack and yell and cry and get violent. I dont like this either!!

Be honest here, is he potentially violent towards you or are you looking for any excuse to lose your temper and scream and cry? If he is being violent or using any sort of excessive force then that is completely wrong and you have to get out now. If he isn't and you are the volatile person then you have to ask yourself why are you doing this to yourself? Why do you keep initiating situations which end in you losing your temper and screaming like a child having a tantrum.

Or he might call me a bitch or stupid and ill tell him id ratehr he didint...so just to tick me off he'll keep doing it. I know it souynd worse than it is, he doesnt physically or verbally abuse me...but i feel like he might enjoy toying with my mind?nad then when i do flip, he turns the tables and makes me out to be the bad person.

So what is going on here, is he physically and verbally abusive or are you looking for any opportunity to lose your temper.

I honestly can't make your post out at all. At the very least you are an extremely jealous and irrational person who has a volatile temper which by your own admission makes you violent or you are both in a sadistic relationship where one is as bad as the other.

But as I said before, you are only dating for three months. This isn't the type of behaviour you should both be engaged in after being together for such a short time. Honestly, what do you think the two of you will be like if you are together in a year? If your post is accurate you have a destructive and damaging relationship which you should both get out of now before one of you seriously hurts the other one (if the descriptions of your physical fights are anything to go by).

Marksie

bostonian wrote:

ditch him. problem solved.

Problem not solved bostonian.

OK to summarise:

You have trust issues, jealousy issues, issues with exes, communication issues.
He enjoys button pushing in your own estimation and either you facilitate this or respond in kind escalating the situation.

All this is just layering and reaffirming ALL your issues.

It is not good and you should get out of that situation. That much in bostonians simplistic response is true.

However, look at the underlying cause of it all which is within yourself. You will continue to have these relationships time and time again until you sort yourself out.

So get out of the current situation, look at ways of obtaining help with exploring your issues and DO NOT get into any realtionship until you have sorted them out to a large extent.

The alternative is that you will continue on the road with the same type of relationship over and over and over again until you are completely emotionally and mentally destroyed.

Beruthiel

I totally agree with everything Mark has said.
You are not good for each other and you should not be in any kind of relationship until you sort your own head out and are comfortable in your own skin and with who you are.

Dave147

I can't understand why this guy would let you see him kissing another girl, get out of this relationship and be single for awhile, if you have a close friend that you trust then talk to them about your problems, I hope the next relationship you're in, your boyfriend doesn't antagonise you. If you ask a guy about his exes you need to be prepared for what you hear, just remember it's all the past. Best of luck sorting everything out!

SarahSassy

Sad wrote:

I also feel like he at times enjoys tipping me over the edge. We might be mess fighting...and he would hit me a little too hard and then again and i would ask him to stop but he'll just keep irritating me untill i crack and yell and cry and get violent. I dont like this either!!
Or he might call me a bitch or stupid and ill tell him id ratehr he didint...so just to tick me off he'll keep doing it. I know it souynd worse than it is, he doesnt physically or verbally abuse me...but i feel like he might enjoy toying with my mind? nad then when i do flip, he turns the tables and makes me out to be the bad person

I think you are a troll however Ill answer in case there is some genuine person out there who needs help.


What the fu(k are you doing with such an asshole????? He hits you??? A little too hard??? He makes you yell and cry and get violent?????

Are you reading this??? Did you read what you wrote?? It is NOT normal. You cannot trust this bully and the issue is not with you. You cannot belive that someone who treats you like this can love you - they cant - this is why you are jealous. He is the bad person not you.

Are you loved? Cherished??? Adored?? If not, you should be... He is not right for you. He is a thug and a bully. Dump him and move on.

K-9

What Marksie and Dave147 said!

SarahSassy, he sounds like a sadistic asshole but:

sarahsassy wrote:

You cannot trust this bully and the issue is not with you. You cannot belive that someone who treats you like this can love you - they cant - this is why you are jealous. He is the bad person not you.

She does have trust issues, not due to this relationship but a previous one. She needs to get them sorted.

Just because one fella treated her like this doesn't mean they all are. She needs to get around that or she'll bring issues from this relationship into the next one.

Strokesfan

I know one girl that whenever she catches her fella winding her up by chatting to his ex's or other girls, she reacts by making friends with these girls, being really nice to them, getting involved in the conversations and coming away looking like a really nice girl rather than someone throwing their boyfriend filthy looks from across the room. Jealousy is so unattractive.

You may still feel it but you have to hide it. Don't ask questions about ex's you don't really want to know the answer to or look for evidence of cheating when there really is none.

If he's winding you up - you really have to rise above it

Marksie

SarahSassy wrote:

the issue is not with you.

re-read the initial post sarah. Particularly the paragraphs 3, 4, 5 and the last line of paragraph 6.

I agree with you about the current b/friend, he should be got rid of. But her issues are deeper than that.
If not resolved she will keep on layering with the same type of realtionships

SarahSassy

Seanies32 wrote: »

She does have trust issues, not due to this relationship but a previous one. She needs to get them sorted.

Just because one fella treated her like this doesn't mean they all are

My point related to the fact that he hits her.....

No one, including OP suggested that all men are the same... OP can choose to have the same reaction to all men and I agree she needs to lose that but in this case she cannot trust him cos deep down she knows he does not love her. If he loved her he would not hit her and he would not mentally abuse her..... Its simple..

SarahSassy

Marksie wrote: »

If not resolved she will keep on layering with the same type of realtionships

I agree with you 100% but the immediate issue is for her to lose this current bf. He is poison and making her issues even worse and more embedded....

OP you need to get away from thsi situation, this person and learn to love yourself again.

A few men are bad and most are good. You have been unlucky in that you have met 2 in a row but to be honest they can only be as bad and treat you as badly as you let them.

The reason you have asked for help is that you know its not right.... You know your reactions are not right but also his treatment of you is not right.

Get rid of one problem (ie him) and then start to work on the next one (ie your insecurity and jealousy issues). He is not helping you one iota.

Knockoff Nige

Sounds like you're going out with your little brother.

K-9

SarahSassy wrote: »

I agree with you 100% but the immediate issue is for her to lose this current bf. He is poison and making her issues even worse and more embedded....

In fairness, I don't think anybody has suggested other wise. I thought my sadistic asshole post might have covered that! :rolleyes:

SarahSassy wrote:

OP you need to get away from thsi situation, this person and learn to love yourself again.

A few men are bad and most are good. You have been unlucky in that you have met 2 in a row but to be honest they can only be as bad and treat you as badly as you let them.

The reason you have asked for help is that you know its not right.... You know your reactions are not right but also his treatment of you is not right.

Get rid of one problem (ie him) and then start to work on the next one (ie your insecurity and jealousy issues). He is not helping you one iota.

Agreed. The OP though did say the trust issues where from the first relationship. So regardless of the current bf, these issues are still there. That was my point.

Your original post did not mention to deal with her own issues as well.

SarahSassy wrote: »

My point related to the fact that he hits her.....

No one, including OP suggested that all men are the same... OP can choose to have the same reaction to all men and I agree she needs to lose that but in this case she cannot trust him cos deep down she knows he does not love her. If he loved her he would not hit her and he would not mentally abuse her..... Its simple..

Agreed.

SarahSassy

Seanies32 wrote: »

Your original post did not mention to deal with her own issues as well.

Deliberately - I felt it was already being well covered....

TBH, the post shocked me and elicited a strong reaction. I feel that it's so injust and its heart breaking to see someone being treated like that and not having the 'strength' to leave the situation and its making my blood boil that OP blames herself....