Why am I doing this to myself?

Tearful

Sorry,

I don't even know if this should go here, or why I'm even bothering to post this.. Today is my birthday and instead of going out enjoying myself like any other 24 yr old should I'm sitting here crying into my keyboard.

I've spent the day ignoring all the well wishes from my friends, birthday calls, texts to meet up and general "what are you doing for your birthday?" messages.

I've been trying to psyche myself up all day to go out and do something tonight - more to get my friends off my back more than anything else.

I just feel so wretched. Would love to just end it all right now.

I shouldn't have anything to complain about I have the best parents in the world who would do anything for me. A nice comfortable lifestyle, never want for anything. Friends who care about it. I should be happy but I'm not.

I'm on the verge of tears everyday. The littlest thing sets me off.

I've already been to my doctor numerous times and been given antidepressants they don't seem to work.

Everything just seems so bleak. Every day is a struggle. I find it hard to cope with just about everything.

I'm finding it hard to type now because the tears are coming hard and fast.

I'm not trying to be a whinger posting here. I don't want sympathy or people telling me to ring Samaritans. I don't know why I'm typing, I just need to let it all out..

North&South

OK, I'm not about to tell you to pull yourself together - you say you have a good life, good friends, so there must be something that's upsetting you so much.

When was the last time you were happy? What's changed in your life since then?

There almost always has to be a reason for feelings like this, so let's try & find out what they are....

Until you know what's broken, you can't fix it huh?

dudara

Then let it all out here. That's the benefit of boards. We're all here to listen. You'd be surprised how many posters have been in your boots.

I'm going to play devil's advocate though and say that you should seek more help. If the first doctor isn't helping, then seek another opinion and then a third if necessary. But no amount of external help will help you unless you want to feel better. There is a certain attraction and ease in wallowing in your own pain and depression. It's easier to wallow than to find the strength to pick yourself up again.

But in the meantime, we're here to listen.

Latchy

Happy birthday tearful , you do sound very depressed .Might i ask if you can pin point anything in particular that is making you feel the way you do ? , some event or tragedy in your life ?

Tearful

Thanks guys, it means a lot to know that there's some genuine people out there like you who'll listen.

I know my parents and friends would too, but I don't want to be a burden on them. I'm always the agony aunt, the one they come too, I just hate to trouble people with my issues.

I just feel "broken" I don't think there's any defining moment or period where I suddenly became sad. I think I've always been like this, I remember being 12 and never really enjoying life as much as my friends were.

I suppose my biggest issue atm is my weight. I was a size 12 last christmas - I'm a size 20 now. I don't go out anymore now because I feel so ashamed, like everyones looking at me wondering what a lump of lard is doing out. My self confidence is zilch. My friends know my feelings on this and badger me into going out with them, can rarely bring myself to do it though.

I know I can diet and lose the weight, I've done it before, it's such a struggle this time. I know I have my issues with food - I'm your typical "feeling kinda down? Then reach for the Haagen Dazs" kinda girl. I asked my doc to send a referral letter to a therapist for me so I could have some counselling for this - this was months ago haven't heard back since though.

Oh jesus.. I think some of my friends are banging at the door.. don't want to face them in this state, don't want to ignore them either though, feel like ****.

Latchy

At least you have indentified what it is that is causing you to feel the way you do , your weight issue has taken over your whole self esteem and you dont need me to tell you i am sure, that it is a common worry for millions of women .

Tearful

I'm such a tosser.

My friends did call and left a big bag of presents for me at the door.

I have so much going on, that other people would love to have, decent, loving, caring people in their life, and yet I can't seem to muster any happiness at all.

It's like I'm wired wrong or something. I've been getting very reclusive lately and hate meeting or seeing people. Yet I know hiding away isn't the answer.

I just find this whole "living" business to be so hard and draining. Btw, don't worry, I'm not about to do anything stupid to myself, it's just how I feel though. I'd just love to sleep through it all and let everything wash over me.. There's so much pain and strife to be had, I just want to escape it all.

Latchy

Yes, but as i said at least you have pin pointed the reason for your anxiety and you said you knoW you can lose weight ,so might it not be a good time now to focus on how you are going to achieve the weight loss you desire .Get a plan going ,write down a day by day list of things that can help you reach your goal and tell yourself , i will do it .You have to start somtime so why not right now ? , you are not alone BTW.

dudara

Tearful wrote:

There's so much pain and strife to be had

Yes there is. Someone is going to break your heart, people will die and life will generally cr*p on you. But it will also give you days where you fall in love, where you might create a new life, and where the sun will shine so brightly that your heart will sing.

Life is up and down. But I wouldn't have it any other way.

North&South

You know, I did some months on a very strict 'drinks only' diet early this year - now that wasn't the bit where I learnt - it was the counselling sessions each week that taught me SO much.
Quite often, if we feel like we are a round peg in a square hole & don't 'quite fit in' we turn to food. We don't turn to food for comfort, we actually do it to provide ourselves with an explanation, whereas before we HAD no explanation for our emotions & low self esteem.

So, you eat & eat & in time you're overweight & all of a sudden, you can blame the weight & the fat. In reality, we have just created a whole new problem, but one which we can identify & then we pile all the blame on that!

dudara is right - just because someone has qualified as a doctor, doesn't mean they have ALL the answers - try someone else, maybe go down the counselling route & try to discover why you don't feel at home in your own skin.

24 can be a lonely age too - when I was that age, I was married, as were a lot of my friends - but a lot weren't & one in particular felt that life was passing her by - her clock was ticking, with no foreseeable future - she finally met a guy at 27 & as far as I know, she was happy & finally learned to love herself.

You sound like a nice person - if you weren't, your friends wouldn't be bothered - and you know they are. Go drag a brush thru your hair, pop some glad rags on & go enjoy your birthday - make your mind up to be positive & start taking positive steps. Locking yourself away with a keyboard is for middle aged old bats like me - but then it's my time of life for peace & quiet - but for you, it's time to take a deep breath & start liking yourself again.
x

Enright

your getting lots of good advise here, i just dropped in to say hapy birthday!

confused-dazed

heyyyyyy happy birthday.
in life we all have our ups and downs and we may need someone to talk to. from personal experience i've found it a whole lot easier talking to strangers and telling them whats going on ,than to talk to my closest friend. even the likes of this place can be of great help.
take it easy and enjoy the rest of the evening

seahorse

Tearful; there's nothing on this earth that will make a woman feel lower in herself than steadily getting much much heavier over the space of less than a year. What you are feeling is natural; as awful as it feels, at least know that it is natural.

Remember also, that the weight is not the primary problem, as much as it may feel that it is - it is actually just a symptom of it. Whatever had been bothering you would not have come to the fore but for the weight, so there may come the day when, unimaginable as it may seem at the moment, you may actually be thankful for the excess weight you are carrying right now. A bizzare concept maybe, but trust me, it's possible.

You are clearly deeply depressed Tearful. I've been battling depression on and off for donkeys years, so if you want to drop me a pm feel free. {{birthday hugs}}

bronte

Hiya tearful,
It's rotten you're feeling so low.
Sometimes it's a natural reaction to retreat inside ourselves when our confidence is low.
Maybe coming on here can be your turning point, because it's proof that you recognize something isn't right
I understand what you mean about being the counsellor in your group of mates, i'm the same in my group...and sometimes it can be hard to admit somethings wrong to them, because like yourself..I don't like to burden them.
I will say that ANY time I have confessed anything to them..they have been wonderful to me.
Your mates sound wicked...spend a bit of time with them if you can.. Its amazing what a few good friends can do to your mood.

I hope you have a good evening.

Happy Birthday!

bostonian

a weekend in amsterdam always gives me a boost when i feel down.

Marksie

bostonian wrote:

a weekend in amsterdam always gives me a boost when i feel down.

and this relates to the op how bostonian?

OP: You dont want to burden your friends, yet they call around with presents, they badger you to go out with them.

In fact they ARE there for you, so is your family and so are people here.

This stems from your own self view, the weight isnt a cause of it its a symptom, an external reaction to an internal feeling.

Use the help and support your friends are giving you, they are responding to the kindness and "agony aunt" that you are giving them.

It is so obvious from what you have said that they are concerned and do care.
But its up to you to realise this.

You have been to the doctor but seek help elswhere, professional help if possible to get to the root cause of this i know you stated that you didnt want people to tell you that but it there it is and you shouldnt look at it as a weakness or burdening people. But something fro your own self image and self esteem, to help you to understand yourself and where all these feelings are coming from.

The hardest part is forcing yourself to do this, take it in small steps. Accept the offers from your friends, make small changes and reaffirm positives about yourself.
Do start small and things will snowball in the end

Oh and Happy Birthday!

Did you get anything nice in those present s :-)

and feel free to unload here, getting this out of your system may be very cleansing for you