Not asked to hen

LegacyUser

Just wondering what peoples thoughts are on this. Have been friends with this girl I used to work with for the past few years. We see each other either with our partners or on our about once every six weeks and are on the phone at least once every other week - so fair to say I would class her as a good friend. I dont really know any of her other friends.

Anyway she is getting married in a few weeks - very small family wedding with only close family etc. I obviously knew that I would not be going to the wedding but was sure I'd be asked to the hen. She is the type of person who would want a full on hen so thought it would be great craic.Anyway was talking to her on the phone yesterday and it slipped out of her that she had had her hen the previous weekend. I just said "thanks for asking me". She brushed over it obviously very embarassed and went onto talk about something else. The failure to invite me was obviously deliberate as we had been talking the week before the hen and nothing was said. The only possible reason is that I don't know any of her other friends and maybe she didn't want me there in case she would have to "mind" me. That said I am not the shy and retiring type. But surely she could have told me that. It is the sneakiness of it all that bothers me.

Anyway just wondering what other people think of this - my head is wrecked from it and I am really angry and upset.

Knockoff Nige

I think it was poor from yuor friebnd but perahps it was down to her not wanting to have invite you to the wedding. If they are trying to keep the numbers down (as people rightly should) then she might feel pressured into inviting you. Perhaps the only people at her hen party were invited to the wedding. Maybe it was just a few members of her family that went to it.

dame

I can understand why you are upset. Your friend should have at least explained why she didn't invite you or even apologised and said she didn'trealise you'd want to go or something, anything but brush it aside.

I agree with Knockoff Nige. She probably only invited the few women going to the wedding to the hen. She should have explained that though, and preferably before the hen so that you weren't hearing about it later.

LegacyUser

'No it is only close family going to the wedding. There are no friends going - I am certain of this.'

r3nu4l

I think you need to ask her about it again but try not to be judgemental until you've heard the full story. Maybe her mother was responsible for organising it and decided who was asked?

I was at a friends wedding in France recently and his mother controlled all aspects of the wedding to the extent that she decided who was asked and wasn't...he didn't get much say! Stupid yes, but that's what happened. Would your friend have been in a similar situation?

LegacyUser

'No certainly not. Her mother is dead and I am pretty sure that there wouldn't have been anyone else dictating to her who could and couldn't go to the hen. She is not the type who would bow to such pressure even if it was there anyway.'

Dreamer 7

I would be mad I have to say. I went to ahens a few weeks ago with 30 girls there. Less than half were going to the wedding and we all paid our own way on the hen so there was no bill for the bride.
There is nothing to say that if you go to the hen you have to go to the wedding, but in your conversations she deliberatly omitted the planning location etc of the hen so I would be WELL offended

Poco Loco

Maybe it was just a case of that - you wouldn't know anyone? I went to a close friend's hen recently, there were about 10 of us all good friends and then her cousin also, who didn't know anyone. She didn't have a great night and the bride to be spent a lot of time keeping one eye out to make sure someone was talking to her and, not being horrible, this was one night nobody wanted to be minding anyone. We were completely nice to her and trying to include her but when it's a hen it's all about the bride, everyone else has to look after themselves. Maybe she just thought it would be better not to do it? And didn't know how to tell you? It's not nice for you, definitely, but maybe that's all it was?

muppetkiller

Unrego477 wrote:

....so fair to say I would class her as a good friend. I dont really know any of her other friends.
........The only possible reason is that I don't know any of her other friends and maybe she didn't want me there in case she would have to "mind" me.....

So you regard her as a good friend yet you don't know any of her friends ?
Am I the only one who thinks that's a little bit of a strange sentence.

She's goes out with 'her friends' on nights out but you've never been invited to those either ? seems like a one sided friendship to me.

biko

Unrego477 wrote:

Anyway just wondering what other people think of this

If it bothers you that much, bring the issue up again and say that you were hurt by not being invited - you considered her to be a good friend. Ask her why she didn't invite you. That's what I think.

LegacyUser

muppetkiller wrote:

So you regard her as a good friend yet you don't know any of her friends ?
Am I the only one who thinks that's a little bit of a strange sentence.

She's goes out with 'her friends' on nights out but you've never been invited to those either ? seems like a one sided friendship to me.

Nor do I invite her when on I am on nights out with my friends. I really don't think it is that strange. My closest friends from college and school would barely know each other also - they would have met on a few occasions and that is it.

Thanks for the other responses. I do agree that there may have been an element of being afraid that I would have to be minded. That said I do think that I should have been invited OR something along the lines of "If you want to come great but you'll know nobody else there" should have been said -. It is the underhanded nature of it all that I find so annoying. I will say it though when I see her again.

LegacyUser

'I think that weddings and all the surrounding "stuff" can be very devisive. My best friend is getting married and I haven't been invited to the ceremony or the afters. I'm allowed to go to the big party afterwards that everyone else ( work colleagues, cousins they havent seen in years etc.) is going to but to me, being asked to witness my friends getting married is what its all about, not the piss up afterwards.

I feel like my friendship has been thrown in my face but at the end of the day its her day and I wouldnt feel any happier about the situation if I spoke to her about it and it upset her. Sure I might get some of my hurt off my chest but I'd probably do it at the expense of her enjoyment of her wedding day. So I wont say anything however I do think that this will impact on our friendship for the future. Stupid weddings'

Chinafoot

Unrego477 wrote:

We see each other either with our partners or on our about once every six weeks and are on the phone at least once every other week - so fair to say I would class her as a good friend. I dont really know any of her other friends.

Sorry but I wouldn't see that as being incredibly close or anything and chances are her hen was a small affair just like her wedding will be. She may not have wanted a big crowd going, and like the wedding, she was selective about who was asked. Someone she sees every 6 weeks and only speaks to every 2 weeks may not have been top of the list. I doubt there was any malice involved.

I think it's a bit unfair to call it "underhanded". Of course she was embarrassed when you took umbrage to not being invited. You responded with "thanks for asking me". Not a great reaction and she probably just didn't want a big issue made out of it. She's getting married soon and with it being just close family you can most likely be guaranteed there's more than you with their nose out of joint over it. People can get very arsey when it comes to weddings, I saw it with my sister's. But what you need to remember is, this is her and her partner's day - nobody elses. The same goes for her hen.

Unrego477 wrote:

Anyway just wondering what other people think of this - my head is wrecked from it and I am really angry and upset.

I think you're overreacting but you should bring it up with her again if it's bothering you so much.

amtc

people are weird about weddings and brides more so than others...went to a friend's hen two years ago and did my back in (it's dodgy) in the spa (this was osprey/time in naas). got taxi to newbridge hosp for injection and back to sit through meal with gritted teeth....but wouldn't ruin my friend's day. Had to drive back to dublin next day crippled in agony, and she never called to see how I was. When i called (pre-wedding) all she said was that I was very quiet at the meal. Was in agony!

looking back I should just have gone home but didn't want to cause a big scene, as I was sharing with her in the hotel.

hussey

At the end of the day, it is her wedding not yours.
She has the right not to invite who she likes for whatever reason.

As you said you don't know her friends, and this could be a reason.

I agree with chinafoot, you can't please everyone all the time.

You are only guessing (from what I read) that she had a 'full on' hen .. maybe she didn't? The bigger the crowd the more people will get drunk, and if Mary has an invite and Maureen doesn't then maureen gets in a sulk, tears drama, hen could be ruined,

HER hen night, not yours ...

BoozyBabe

See, this sort of thing is why I hate weddings!!!!

I'm going to get married abroad. My mam will take a hissy fit, but I don't care!!
Anyone who knows me who can afford a holiday abroad & would like to go to where my wedding is can go. & do whatever they like.
There will be no big splash up do & no presents will be expected.

My hen will be a night out on the town. Absolutely anyone who wants a night out on the town came come.

When I get back home after the wedding, we will have another nigth out on the town. Again, anyone who wants to join can.

No matter if you try & invite the world & his mother, you always offend someone, & someone feels slighted about something.
This isn't a go at you OP, btw, I can honestly see why you're bothered.
But, mine will be an open invitation. Come if you want, stay at home if you don't!

LegacyUser

I think some people are missing the point - its not that I'm annoyed at not being asked to go - its the inherent sneakiness in not saying anything about it at all. I genuinely wouldn't have minded if she had said that she just wanted a small hen with. I do think I should have been told about it though.

Dizzyblonde

OP I get your point and the question must be asked; is she really a friend? Or did you just think she was. Real friends don't treat each other like that. And if you let her, she'll think she can be mean to you again (it was definitely a mean thing to do imo).
'We teach others how to treat us'

MrMojoRising

BoozyBabe wrote:

But, mine will be an open invitation. Come if you want, stay at home if you don't!

Can i come?

Chinafoot

Unrego477 wrote:

I think some people are missing the point - its not that I'm annoyed at not being asked to go - its the inherent sneakiness in not saying anything about it at all. I genuinely wouldn't have minded if she had said that she just wanted a small hen with. I do think I should have been told about it though.

Why do you think you should have been told? You two don't talk every day and don't see each other often. She may have forgot about it. Weddings are stressful times so chances are she's got far more things to be worrying about than a night out. She may have genuinely forgot to ask you and didn't want to bring it up after the fact in case you got offended - which you have.

Maybe one of her close friends organised it. Did you ask her? Or are you assuming that she planned everything? By your own admission, neither of you asks the other out on night's out so how do you know what kind of relationship she has with her other friends. Maybe they did arrange a night for her and since they don't know you they didn't know to invite you.

A work colleague of mine didn't want a big hen night becaue like your friend she was having a small, family only wedding. Her best mate decided to plan one for her anyway. She doesn't know everyone that the bride knows but she did her best to find out as much as she could. Suffice to say there were a few who slipped through the cracks and weren't invited. It happens.

Again, I think you should talk to her. What use is it moaning here about it when you haven't heard her side of things. It's very easy for people here to say "Bad form" or "she's not your mate at all" but we don't know what happened. You're assuming that she was being sneaky and underhanded and that's all we have to go on.

Ask her if it bothers you so much.

vorbis

From the sounds of it, your friend has been underhanded about it. A friend did something similar to me recently in that he didn't invite me on a trip I had asked him about earlier. He told me afterwards that it was due to me not getting along with one of the guys who was going. I was a bit annoyed but appreciated that he told me why.

In this case, she didn't ask you along and also by the sounds of didn't EVEN give you a reason for it after you found out! Very bad form imo. I would question how good friends ye actually are.