Wife told me shes pregnant...

LegacyUser

Hi there. My wife told me this week that shes pregnant. I didnt bound around the place with uncontained happiness. I hugged her(she was slightly in shock over it), reassurred her that we would be ok but as the evening wore on, i felt myself slide into a sad state where I couldnt even muster a smile for her.

Im not over-joyed at the idea of having kids and tbh never was. I get on very well with my Sisters twin boys, we both enjoy the craic of having them over for a day but the best thing about others kids is that they eventually leave. This would be a more permanent addition I think.
Im a private sort of person, like my peace and quiet, like being in my own part of the house even for a short while.

I cant feel anything except a quiet despair at this. I dont rate myself as much of a potential parent even though she always maintains I will be a great one. Ive spent the last day thinking about the all the things I might never have or do now. Stupid things like an expensive car or foriegn holidays.

Im ashamed of myself a bit, it was a poor reaction in general even though as a married couple in our thirties I thought it was an eventuality. All I feel now is creeping panic mixed with a sense of loss as if this news has signalled the end of my life. I feel as if my freedom is at an end and years of screeching infants and irratating teenagers lie ahead.

F*ckin hell. Is this just Shock at the news? Do you think as the pregnancy progresses, I'll look forward to it?

bostonian

you'll progress however you do, don't expect anything of yourself at the moment. maybe this is your time to get used to the idea that you will be a parent?

Carrigart Exile

Don't be ashamed of your current feelings, becoming a parent and the thought of the responsibility that brings scares the bejesus out of us all. Expect mixed feelings about the pregnancy all through the 9 months and then, when that tiny wee bundle is put in your arms and he/she looks you in the eye expect to kicked in the head and stomach as emotions overwhelm you. Suddenly it will dawn on you this precious wee life needs you for its survival and development; its awesome and you will turn in to a gibbering idiot wanting to show everyone pictures, its great:D

HashSlinging

Dont let your wife see this post for starters!

You'll get used to the idea, at least look at it from your wifes point of view knowing that she has a little bit of you and her growing inside, which when even for a slob like myself found out my wife was pregnant, found it quite amazing, and weird at the same time.

Best thing to do is just support her and listen, your reaction is totally normal. You can still have time to yourself, and have your car, it'll have to be a 4 door though, think M5, they come in estate models also.

Congrats!

Beruthiel

BabyShock wrote:

I cant feel anything except a quiet despair at this. I dont rate myself as much of a potential parent even though she always maintains I will be a great one.

You will ajust.
When I accidently got preggers I felt like your wan in that series V, where she'd become pregnant by the alien.
I didn't want to be pregnant, I hated the nine months of it, the birth was a nightmare and I didn't know what to do with her when she was born.
Luckly my mother and now ex husband were great and took up the slack.
It took a few months but I learned how to take care of her and now couldn't imagine life without her in it. I assure you, a time will come when you will feel the same, for now take one day at a time and if your wife is excited then don't burst her bubble, it won't help.

damonjewel

When my wife and I were trying for our first child and she eventually got pregnant, I wasn't particularly over the moon with it, despite its planning. I suppose like you I had doubts. It was also very abstract to me the idea that I was to be a father, until we had the first scan. Then it hit me like a thunderbolt, and it was very REAL, and I woke up to the fact that I was to be a father, and warmed to the idea immediately.

Like you I'm a private person, like my peace and quiet etc. You will compromise this for sure, but you can still enjoy your personal time to some degree. As long as you can work it out with your wife that she has her time too.

Also in the lead up to the pregnancy make the most of it, take a short holiday, a weekend city break perhaps to destinations that you had not visited and previously dreamt of. Your wife can travel up to the last 3 months of her pregnancy. Also I found that after the pregnancy that travelling with a young baby was no problem, in fact it has its perks (e.g. first on to the plane)

So congratulations, you will grow to enjoy it!

Esel

BabyShock wrote:

This would be a more permanent addition I think.

I'd say so!:D

Was this an 'accident', or did your wife really forget to take her pill? Not that it makes any difference now, but if the pregnancy had been discussed beforehand (and you were in favtour) you would obviously be in a much different frame of mind. Shock is normal in your situation. Just try to keep your negative feelings hidden. You will get with the program soon enough.

You have plenty of time (well, nine months) to get used to the idea. Do some in depth research on the merits of breastfeeding (sample fact: 99% of mothers in Norway breastfeed), especially on how good for the baby and mother it is. Then you will sleep better at night. Nappies are a piece of cake, once you get the technique down. Something to do with your digital camera too.

rs

BabyShock wrote:

Stupid things like an expensive car or foriegn holidays.

We brought our 9 month old baby to Canada earlier this year. Foreign holidays are not impossible, you just have to carry a lot more stuff

BabyShock wrote:

All I feel now is creeping panic mixed with a sense of loss as if this news has signalled the end of my life. I feel as if my freedom is at an end and years of screeching infants and irratating teenagers lie ahead.

We'll I hate to tell you. Your life really is over. At least the life you know now anyway. But an entirely new life is just beginning for all of you. It won't be the same and in many ways it will be more restrictive and a lot more difficult. But that said, it's an amazing experience to watch your kid grow up.

My kid puts a smile on my face more often that any car or holiday (DB9 included) ever could.

Good luck.

Dreamer 7

It took me about 6 months to come out of la la land where all this wasn't happening to me. And I was the one carrying the baby. It can be a shock BIG TIME. You seem very down on urself OP , nobody knows what to do on their first child its a learning curve.

Oh and btw even when babs came along I felt no bond or overwhelming love for a couple of months so don't sweat it, it will all work out and before you know it you will be playing with a 5 yr old wondering where all the time went

Oh and Congratulations to you and you missus

LegacyUser

Felt the very same when we got our news after years of trying and in my view feeling we couldnt. It is a shock to the system and you really dont know whats ahead and also the full impact of the change to your life.

As a friend of mine who is - on the day - one of the most insensitive, ignorant individuals you would ever want to meet, told me after 6 months of being a Dad that is it one thing that turns your life on its head and then proceeds to kick that head endlessly, it is also one of the most rewarding and beautiful things that will ever happen to you.

The first two weeks are mad but just roll with it and support each other and you will be fine. Dont forget the baby knows very quickly that you guys dont have a clue as well!

LegacyUser

Well done I was the same ....but 3 yearslater I would not change anything I love my son to bits .....forget the stress enjoy the moment

LegacyUser

'I felt the same as you when my wife told me she was pregnant.

There is a huge adjustment to your life as you once knew it. You will be fed up of people saying this, but "its worth it!"

Some guys seem to have a eureka moment (when it all seems real) along the way - first scan - some later scans when you see heartbeat or hands moving. It didn't really hit me until the day our baby was born.

OK - we can't go to New York this year - I probably won't change my car this year. We can't even go for a night out without major planning! These things used to worry me, but not anymore.

I suppose its why pregnancy lasts 9 months and not 9 days - it gives you both a chance to prepare yourselves for the new arrival !!'

Latchy

I have an 18 year old and an 11 year old , believe me your life doesnt stop when you have a kid's ,we have being abroad 5 or six times since the little one was 5 and we had a ball . Previous to that it was always holidays in ireland and uk .We are looking forward to going abroad again next year.
There is an upside to having your baby ....all babies, and this could be a turning point in you life . I was at the birth of both my children and it was a magical expierence as anybody who has being there will tell you (well most people i think lol ) .Will you want to get to say 50 and regret not having the baby ?

congratulations BTW .

yogidc26

I was the same I have a 13 month old now and I use to be out drinking every weekend but now with the little one you just don’t want to. I think its different for men that woman I didn’t love her until she was born I had no real connection with the baby while it was still in side my wife but once the baby came along and she looks up at you for the first time you will never forget and you will never want to leave her again (well not for to long anyway) believe me it will all work out and you are about to have the best time of your life so don’t get down about it

ceidefields

I wouldn't worry about it too much - it's a normal reaction to what will be a huge change in your life. Like everyone else pointed out, your life doesn't stop there. In fact I have great craic with a bunch of friends who are parents of my 8 years old's friends. We have get togethers where the kids go off and play while we drink wine and watch films or chat or whatever.

milkerman

Jeez this one brings me back.
As it happens (and as i later found out) my wife forgot to mention having stopped taking the pill months beforehand.
Shock, resentment, depression during the pregnancy. No money, no sleep and a constant baby smell (puke) everywhere after the tot was born drove me over the edge of depair. I was very detached from my wife.
When the tot was just 12 months old a slight cold turned to pneumonia during the space of just 12 hours. We found ourselves in the Childrens Hospital. The tot was very unwell, upset & in poor form. Maybe its a genetic thing, but when the sh*t hit the fan the tot decided it was safest to hang on to the biggest parent - me. That shocked me & that was when I started to bond with this little girl. Now she is nearly grown up and still hangs on to me, we talk a lot & is my best friend.
There is no point trying to hide how you feel, your wife will sense how you feel. Talk to her about it & dont let resentment build up. I am still married but years later I still resent my other half for being dishonest with me. But the other half is so great in so many other ways and can still make my day when she wants.
Life wont stop for you, it may get worse for some time to come but you will adapt and it gets better. Look forward to seeing your kiddie tear down the stairs at Christmas or the cringing embarressment when they say things in company. Some parts of fatherhood are truly crap but some are great.
I hope everything works out for all three of you.

LegacyUser

'Thanks for all the replies! The shock has worn off a bit since and Im not as Despondant as I was Monday. I realise full well its a never going to be the same again but glad to hear it can have a happy ending. '

embee

BabyShock wrote:

'Thanks for all the replies! The shock has worn off a bit since and Im not as Despondant as I was Monday. I realise full well its a never going to be the same again but glad to hear it can have a happy ending. '

Hey OP, its great you're feeling more positive about it. You have 8 months or so now to prepare to become a Dad (though it will be completely different to how you imagine it to be now).

Going to ante-natal classes with your wife in the latter stages of her pregnancy will be great, as they will teach you the basics of looking after a newborn - knowing the basics like changing nappies, dressing a baby, bathing a baby etc. before baby arrives will pay dividends for you, as you'll be less nervous about handling your child. My own partner had never, ever held a newborn, changed a nappy, made up a bottle etc. in his life before I got pregnant. The first nappy he ever put on a baby was the very first one our daughter ever wore... he'd never dressed a baby etc. He didn't come to the ante-natal classes with me due to work commitments, and as a result he was a lot more nervous in just doing the day to day stuff. He's great with her now though, absolutely fantastic and he dotes on our daughter.

Yes, your life will change - it has to. But for the vast, vast majority of couples the addition of a child is a hugely positive thing.

Good luck and congratulations

deisemum

Congratulations, even planned for babies can still be a shock to the system and even if you're over the moon with excitement another part of you will be planking it worrying about the unknown.

One of the best things about being a parent is the adoration and the way your child thinks you're the greatest mam or dad in the world, well until they're about 10 years old after that you're just the most stupid embarrassing thing on earth so I've been told :rolleyes:

North&South

Actually, OP, I feel for you - I was devastated when I found out I was pregnant at 21.
I coped - I had to & me & hubby became quite adept parents & had baby number 2 the very next year - an 8 year gap & number 3 came along.

The one thing I have never liked is other people's children - hate 'em! I like my own kids & have enjoyed watching them grow, but if someone could turn back the clock, I'd probably settle for 2 labradors - a nice & simple life.

Now married to hubby number 2 & he won't even go into a 'child-friendly' pub in case there are any ankle biters in there! Although he is rather fond of the granddaughter, thank goodness!

Let time go on & you will adjust eventually, then love will kick in & you'll just go with the flow, I'm sure.
Just remember one thing - NO cream sofas or carpets - EVER! :eek:

K-9

Being serious and a touch of reality for a second, you can't force her not too have the baby and really does a man walk away like that?

Another touch of reality is, a baby is the best thing that can happen you! Who's to say you can't have the Aston Martin or Ferrari without the children. I know 1 man who got that anyway!

You may actually realise the baby was more important than the Aston moment! They're definitely are around longer till the next one DB9 comes along!

I wasn't particularly fond of babies till my own came along, but boy did I adjust. I was the first to change the nappy (caesarian) and feed, never done before.

Wait, as another poster said til there 9/10, they take the p**s out of you, but still adore you! No matter what!

Seriously if it was the choice between walking away 9 years ago and doing what I wanted and now! Only one answer! And it wasn't the Aston, though I 'll still get one, sometime? :-)