breaking up over sexless relationship

LegacyUser

Things with my girlfriend of two years have finally come to a head and we’ve decided to break up.

We met two years ago and fell head over heels for each other, got together and had the best 6 months of our lives then we both had issues with our then current houses/flats and decided to move in together.
It was way too quick but we where stupidly in love and decided we’d face it together as we both had to move out and had no one else to move in with.
The stress of moving did us no favours and although we got through it I guess that’s where all our problems started to stem from.
Our sex life vanished the first month we where there and I assumed it was because of the stress of moving but it never fully came back, at first I didn’t mind as I always knew that the first few months of a relationship where you can’t keep your hands off each other are always fleeting but this just kept getting worse.
I started to become less and less important in her life as things like knitting and reading became more important than hanging out with me,
When we’d met we didn’t have an awful lot I common but I liked this as I love relationships where you get to teach other new things but that never happened.
We tried to get each other into new things at first but we just couldn’t do it. And eventually we stopped trying.
Then the differences that we’d liked at first started to become problems, she had no interest in music and I’m a musician, I read a lot but not serious literature and she’s a writer, I love films and she’s seen nothing and can’t stay awake during anything, suddenly the differences weren’t something that we could have fun working on they where barriers that meant we couldn’t share anything. And we couldn’t even go out together because for some reason whenever she’d come out with me she’d drink a few drinks slowly and then start getting tired and we’d have to go home early but if she went out drinking with her own friends she’d come home pissed which always annoyed me as I could never figure out why she couldn’t have fun with me like that.
It was about a year into the relationship when this all first came to a head and we had a huge argument and broke up, then got back together and tried to give it another shot.
But after another brief honey moon period everything went back to how it was.
The sex life continued to vanish, I tried everything, I tried the nice soft approach, the passionate approach, going out for dinner, going for drinks staying in with videos and take out, massages everything but it kept getting worse.
In the mornings she’d be too tired and need to get to work after work she’d be too hungry after dinner shed be too full and then she’d fall asleep on the couch.
When she had a day off she’d spend it writing and any free time she had would automatically go to her friends.
Anyways about 3 or 4 months ago our lease ran out on our place and a mutual friend needed someone to move into his, he knew we were fighting a lot and recommended that if we lived in a bigger place (last place was a match box pretty much) with more people we might have more space as we’d have him to hang out with. So we moved, but once we moved in that was just the end of it, the sex just vanished and I’d say since we moved in in June we’ve had sex about 5 times tops and its always strained and terrible and I can tell she’s not into it. I asked her if it was me had she become less attracted to me but she says she’s no idea what’s wrong and she still finds me as attractive as always she just has no sex drive anymore and rarely thinks about it as she has so much other stuff to do, which to me is very odd for a 25 year old woman.
I guess we are just two very different people who have very different lives but it just sucks ‘cos we really do love each other and now were in a big mess because one of us has to move out which means that the one who stays behind’s rent is going to go up by almost 200 euro a month till they find someone to share the room with them. Tis so messy but I don’t know what else to do.

King of Kings

i think both of you should move out and lose the deposit on the flat. it's easier in the long term and no one person is inconvenienced

sounds like you relationship is dead and buried and you've described about 90% of the issues I had in my last relationship prior to breaking up.

bostonian

like King of Kings said, i also recognize these signs from a doomed relationship- my current one. just move on.

Sleepy

You're not having sex and you have no common interests, where's the relationship?

Wibbs

Exactly as Sleepy says where's the relationship? Sex isn't the be all and end all, but it's a very good litmus test of a relationship. Her excuse about having too many things to do is just that an excuse. If this was a recent thing or a short term thing I would say fine you can work through it, but it isn't and I strongly suspect you can't. You appear to have nothing in common bar the intitial spark BS. Two years down the line and IMO the sex has dried up basically because you had no real connection in the first place.

I'm all for fighting and working on a relationship, but only when that core of connection exists in the first place. Clearly it didn't or you wouldn't have ended up here and now. What you have now is habit with a side order of friendship(if even that). I would be thankful you've broken up now and not later. Walk away and find someone who will have that connection with you.

aidan24326

Sorry to say it but I can only echo what others have said, it sounds like your relationship is as good as dead. The sex thing could be worked on if everything else was in place but it sounds like you have nothing in common and are just going through the motions, and the crappy infrequent sex is just the final nail in the coffin. Sometimes you just have to admit defeat.