Brother has a gambling Problem

LegacyUser

Dont know where to begin with this one. My brother is driving my Parents and family sick with worry. Until about 2 years ago he was pretty happy outgoing, full of life etc. He has now become very withdrawn from his old circle of friends, and rarely comes home anymore. The only time my Parents ever hear from them is when he rings up looking for money, usually accompanied by some Bull**** excuse about "a cheque being held up" or "lost bank card" or some rubbish.(he has a full time well paid job) I met him recently in dublin and he looked terrible, pale , pasty with dark circles around his eyes. He also seems to have lost a lot of weight.He seems to have lost much interest in his old sporting pastimes and in music, something we always used to discuss in depth. He confided us last summer that he had lost a significant sum gambling but claims to have given up, we dont believe him. From what i gather from friends, it is mainly Poker he plays (no horses, sports betting). He has apparently won decent sums but does not have a clue how to manage money and just throws it away again whwn things go bad.

Once during a drunken chat with me he confided that he is not just trying to chase his losses, but trying to chase the 4-5 years he feels he wasted in college. (he is extremely smart and intelligent(and charming), but has always had a somewhat impulsive , self destructive thrillseeking side, which led (he feels) to him not making the most of himself in college. He seems to believe that once he gets that one big score in a poker tournament, he will be able to set his life back on track again. Meanwhile friends , family and relationships fall by the wayside. He of course dismisses as totally out of hand suggestions he has a problem, saying stuff like "you have to take big risks to win big" but beneath the bravado i get the sense he himself knows he could be on a hiding to nothing, but is in too deep to see it.
I know this is a bit rambling, but my question is, how do we (my family) help him see that he is throwing his life away?

eirebhoy

ConcernedSister wrote:

He seems to believe that once he gets that one big score in a poker tournament

From my experience that's the big problem. Chasing the losses. When you lose so much you'll do anything just to break even. You tell yourself that if/when you do win this big amount that you won't gamble again. This would be the case for a while but one bet and you're back into it.

My brother lost 15 grand on poker and the horses in a few days. We all knew for ages that he was losing loads of money. Internet gambling is just too easy. If he lost one bet there's no way he's going to stop. He'll put on a bigger bet. To some people it's impossible to walk away with a loss when you still have money in your pocket. Money in my brothers pocket was his credit cards.

He ended up having to ask my mam for help. She paid off his credit cards (which he's still paying back) and cancelled them as well as telling the bank not to issue him with one any more. He got hypnosis and he really believes that has helped him a lot. The hypnotist brought back memories of when he was a child and sad times in his childhood. I don't know exactly what it did but it made my brother very emotional and he hasn't bet since.

I don't think he's "cured". He just doesn't feel the need to bet. If he did have one bet though I'm sure he'd be back into it.

Your brother doesn't want to be gambling. I'm sure he believes if he won a few grand tomorrow he'd stop. That's just not the case at all. If he can stop gambling after losing so much then he's less likely to go back to it.

How Strange

ConcernedSister...my question is, how do we (my family) help him see that he is throwing his life away?

OP, the sad answer is you can't. Your brother is an addict and until he hits rock bottom and sees the state he is in for himself then no-one can really do anything. You can try intervention but if he hasn't accepted the fact that he is an addict then unfortuntately you are powerless.

This is the upsetting part of having a sibling/child who is addicted to something. They have to reach that point themselves. You can talk to him until you are blue in the face and at times he will tell you what you want to hear but it all means nothing.

He confided us last summer that he had lost a significant sum gambling but claims to have given up, we dont believe him

You say that he has told you about this problem. IMO this is something addicts do to offload their guilty feelings onto those closest to them. By telling you and your parents about this, he now has all of you worrying about him while he continues to chase the dragon.

I have experience of an addict sibling so I can see similarities.

I would advise that you and your parents find a support group for relatives of addicts. You need to be able to read the signs properly so you can realise when you are being manipulated (addicts are excellent at manipulating people) and when he is genuinely crying out for help. There may come a time when he asks you or your parents for money (tens of thousands or more) and you need to know what is the right thing to do. You need to know if you give him the money are you enabling him or are you helping him on the path to recovery.

Good luck