Lawyers and Engineers - mix

Capt'n Midnight

Two mathematicians are in a restaurant.

The first one says to the second that the average person knows very
little about basic mathematics. The second one disagrees, and claims
that most people can cope with a reasonable amount of math.

The first mathematician goes off to the washroom, and in his absence
the second calls over the blonde waitress and tells her that after a few
minutes when his friend returns, he will call her over and ask her a
question. All she has to do is answer one third x cubed.
She repeats 'one thir -- dex cue'? He repeats 'one third x cubed'.
She: 'one thir dex cuebd'? Yes, that's right, he says. So she agrees,
and goes off mumbling to herself, 'one thir dex cuebd...'.

The first guy returns and the second proposes a bet to prove his point,
that most people do know something about basic math. He says he will
ask the blonde waitress an integral calculus question, and the first
laughingly agrees.

The second man calls over the waitress and asks "what is the integral
of x squared?" The blonde waitress says 'one third x cubed' and while walking
away, turns back and says over her shoulder 'plus a constant'!





Barbecued Lawyer

A group of headhunters sets up a small stand near a well-traveled road. The bill of fare is as follows:

* Sautéed Tourist $10
* Braised Reporter $12
* Fried Diplomat $15
* Barbecued Lawyer $110

A customer, noticing the great price differential, asked why lawyers cost so much.

The headhunter replied, "If you had ever tried to clean one of those ba$tards, you would understand."




* After spending $100 an hour on a lawyer, don't expect a good night kiss.
* When you wake up in the morning and see your lawyer standing naked in the shower, you know it's going to be a rotten day.


Four Surgeons

Four surgeons were taking a coffee break and were discussing their work.

The first one said, "I think accountants are the easiest to operate on. Everything inside is numbered."

"I think librarians are the easiest" said the second surgeon. "When you open them up all their organs are alphabetically ordered".

The third surgeon said, "I prefer to operate on electricians. All their organs are color coded".

The fourth one said, "I like to operate on lawyers. They're heartless, spineless, gutless, and their head and arse are interchangeable."




Question: What is 1 + 2 ?
Politician: Well, if you look at the seasonally adjusted figures, you'll find that it's reasonably in line with government predictions.

Physicist: I won't tell you until you tell me what you want to use it for.

Lawyer: It makes one and a half each.


Lawyers as Lab Rats
At a convention of biological scientists one researcher remarks to another, "Did you know that in our lab we have switched from mice to lawyers for our experiments?"

"Really?" the other replied, "Why did you switch?"

"Well, for three reasons. First we found that lawyers are far more plentiful, second, the lab assistants don't get so attached to them, and thirdly there are some things even a rat won't do. However, sometimes it very hard to extrapolate our test results to human beings."
The Oldest Profession

A doctor an engineer, and a politician were discussing who among them belonged to the oldest of the three professions represented. The doctor said, "Remember, on the sixth day God took a rib from Adam and fashioned Eve, making him the first surgeon. Therefore, medicine is the oldest profession."

The engineer replied, "But, before that, God created the heavens and earth from chaos and confusion, and thus he was the first engineer. Therefore, engineering is an older profession than medicine."

Then, the politician spoke up. "Yes," he said, "But who do you think created all of the chaos and confusion?"


An Engineer in Hell

An engineer dies and reports to the pearly gates.

St. Peter checks his dossier and says, "Ah, you're an engineer -- you're in the wrong place." So the engineer reports to the gates of hell and is let in.

Pretty soon, the engineer gets dissatisfied with the level of comfort in hell, and starts designing and building improvements. After a while, they've got air conditioning and flush toilets and escalators, and the engineer is a pretty popular guy.

One day, God calls Satan up on the telephone and says with a sneer, "So, how's it going down there in hell?" Satan replies, "Hey, things are going great. We've got air conditioning and flush toilets and escalators, and there's no telling what this engineer is going to come up with next." God replies, "What??? You've got an engineer? That's a mistake -- he should never have gotten down there; send him up here." Satan says, "No way. I like having an engineer on the staff, and I'm keeping him."

God says, "Send him back up here or I'll sue."

Satan laughs uproariously and answers, "Yeah, right. And just where are YOU going to get a lawyer?"


The Runners

Two friends enter a marathon. After they had been running for a while, they were passed by a tall, muscular man. "I know that guy," the first said. "He's a construction worker."

A few minutes later, another racer passed them with long, loping strides. "That fellow's a doctor."

Just then, ambulance sirens began to wail in the distance, and a runner sprinted by so quickly that he was just a blur.

"Who was that?" asked the second friend.

"Him?" the first answered. "He's a lawyer!"


[ True Story! ]
My son (age 6) is seriously into a set of superheros called X-Men. It seems that one of the characters ("DeathLok") caught his interest the other day and he wanted me to explain if the guy was a good guy or a bad guy.

"Well Son, he's a little of both,"I said. "He's a mercenary."

"What's a mercenary?", he asked.

"That's someone who will fight anyone if someone pays him enough," I answered.

Then my daughter (age 9), trying to put it into perspective for my son, said, "What Dad is saying is he's just like a lawyer."



Q: What's the difference between a dead coyote in the road and a dead lawyer in the road?
A: There are skid marks in front of the coyote.

Q: What's the difference between a lawyer and a vampire?
A: A vampire only sucks blood at night.

Q: What's the difference between a lawyer and a catfish?
A: One is an ugly, scum sucking bottom-feeder and the other is a fish.



Q: What's the difference between a lawyer and a vulture?
A1: A vulture doesn't get Frequent Flyer points.
A2: The vulture eventually lets go.
A3: Vultures wait until you're dead to rip your heart out.

Q: What's the difference between a lawyer and a tick?
A: A tick drops off you when you die.

Q: What do lawyers and bullfrogs have in common?
A: Both have a big head that consists mostly of mouth.

Q: What is the difference between a lawyer and a rooster?
A: When a rooster wakes up in the morning, its primal urge is to cluck defiance.

Q: What's the difference between a lawyer and a pothole?
A: None, except that nobody runs over the same pothole twice.

Q: What's the difference between a lawyer on a Harley and a vacuum cleaner?
A: The vacuum has the dirt bag on the inside.

Q: What's the difference between a lawyer and a herd of buffalo?
A: The lawyer charges more.



Equations and the Real World
* Engineers think that equations approximate the real world.
* Scientists think that the real world approximates equations.
* Mathematicians are unable to make the connection...


* "Normal people ... believe that if it ain't broke, don't fix it.
* Engineers believe that if it ain't broke, it doesn't have enough features yet."

---

Scott Adams, The Dilbert Principle

Ghost Train

Nice collection, like the math and eng jokes

A Primal Nut

Love the blonde joke at the start:D Although ya'd probably need LC honours maths to get it.