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Watching my Grandparents Dance

  • 29-09-2007 11:52pm
    #1
    Outcast
    Closed Accounts Posts: 372 ✭✭


    Hi,
    I'd appreciate feedback on this poem. I chose a very tightly structured format because I was having trouble expressing the scene in free verse. How do you think it flows? Overall impressions also welcome.
    Thanks.

    Watching my Grandparents Dance

    Watching my grandparents dance,
    Stately elegance on the crowded floor,
    Grace and wisdom at a glance.

    In sweeping circles they advance,
    With tripping feet and hearts that soar,
    Watching my grandparents dance.

    Untouched by time, that strange expanse,
    They glide light-footed, as before,
    Grace and wisdom at a glance.

    The picture of age-old romance,
    A waltz, the sublime dance of lore,
    Watching my grandparents dance.

    Their movements weave a floating trance,
    Perfect steps to the perfect score,
    Grace and wisdom at a glance.

    I sit and think, what happy chance,
    Such beauty at a family’s core,
    Watching my grandparents dance,
    Grace and wisdom at a glance.


Comments

  • #2
    sitout
    Closed Accounts Posts: 423 ✭✭sitout


    i really really liked this!


  • #3
    [Deleted User]
    Posts: 0 ✭ [Deleted User]


    Wow, its a very good piece of work.

    As you read the poem, you can picture the old couple dancing.


  • #4
    Bobon
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 193 ✭✭Bobon


    I like it too Outcast. 10/10.


  • #5
    Insect Overlord
    Moderators, Social & Fun Moderators, Society & Culture Moderators Posts: 30,972 Mod ✭✭✭✭Insect Overlord


    perfection.


  • #6
    loismustdie
    Closed Accounts Posts: 1,208 ✭✭✭loismustdie


    the repitition works brilliantly. your choice of words played off each other well, it was very upbeat and detailed. i really enjoyed it


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  • #7
    Outcast
    Closed Accounts Posts: 372 ✭✭Outcast


    Thanks so much all of you. This was actually written in honour of my grandparents' golden anniversary and your replies really bolstered my confidence when it came to giving it to them!


  • #8
    clally
    Closed Accounts Posts: 13 ✭clally


    really beautiful poem, as i was reading it i could see my own grandparents dance.

    I'd say your grandparents really appreciated it, its perfect.


  • #9
    Mr.Nice Guy
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 45,640 ✭✭✭✭Mr.Nice Guy


    I liked the use of the language here. The words float about nice and softly just like the image of the couple dancing. Thumbs up!


  • #10
    Montallie
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 83 ✭✭Montallie


    I really, really like that. I think that the tight structure is very suited to the theme, with all the conventions and steps in ballroom dancing.

    I'm on a writers' site - www.mywriterscircle.com - where we're trying to write the longest poem in the English language. There are also two poetry boards, one for ordinary and one for advanced. I think you would enjoy it. :)


  • #11
    joe_dunne
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 220 ✭✭joe_dunne


    Hi all,

    Maybe a bit late but I only just read it.
    Oh and its very good.

    Joe


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