Relationship issues?!

odarallo

Can someone help me out here. For the past 3 days my partner has been "avoiding me" for no apperant reason. So i went into his work to talk to him and ask what was going on. I told him I would arrive back to his work when he was finished. I got sms telling me he was finished at 12 so i sent the following and the replies are included. Please can someone help me?

This was the very first sms he sent me after i went to his work.

He said "we need to talk, im confused. dont know if im ready for a relationship yet. I like you so much but i need time to think in my life. Your perfect its my fault. Sorry for that kisses

I said " I will come to your work at 11.30 and we talk aobut this tonight. I am not going home with this in my head"

He said "I finish at 12 see ya"

I said "fine we leave it at that then. i waited for you all night to talk and you treat me like this. You are not worth it. Bye"

he replied " im sorry eduardo i would like to contiune our relationship, but im not ready for that. maybe i love you. but im confused. are you coming here to talk. I just finished now"

I replied " well i think answering your phone would be a start. if you want to talk organise a time when you can meet. Im at home now. I assumed you werent coming"

He replied " i ring you when i have time to talk. I am working all weekend. I did not answer because i dont want to talk by phone. I am sad alot of things happening. I'm sorry"

I replied " You may be sad but so am i. I know alot is going on for you and i want to help you. thats what im here for. I still hope you love me but i will not wait forever"

he replied "Please dont be angry with me. Just give me time to think. My life is messy. I ring you when im free, maybe monday. Good night"

this morning i sent "you put new pictures up on your profile and you dont want me to be angry? either you love me or you dont. If you met a guy just tell me so i can move on. its only fair"

he replied "i didnt put up new pictures on my profile. I'm sure"

spinandscribble

why would new photos make you mad??
in my experience anyone who dumps their **** on you and then expects yo to wait around for them to make a decision doesnt give a toss.

odarallo

because that would mean he was looking for someone else.

I know there is something going on but i thought i was his partner. i feel so stupid. I cared so much then to be treated like this.

I dont think i can wait till monday to get a reply

spinandscribble

is this a dating profile? or something like myspace? if it was dating then i'd take it as a bad sign.

karen3212

hi Op,
Firstly how long have you been together?

I am a bit confused about the timeframes in the original post. Honestly, he sounds like an ass. Are you saying he waited three days, to discuss breaking up with you, and then sent a text saying he does want a relationship with you.

If he can't or won't discuss your relationship, then dump him. Only my opinion. Take care

ag1975

i'm confused because you say he's your partner but it sounds like your not together that long or living together even??

odarallo

we had been together 6 weeks. Well He was in Scotland for 2 days so i was sending sms etc. I wanted to meet on Wed because i hadnt seen him since that sunday. He told me he was cleaning the house and he was very busy so he couldnt meet up. I then sent a further message asking when can we meet possibly Friday and I got no reply so i just went into his work. This all of a sudden thing I havnt had a fight wasnt to clingy dont know what the hell is going on.

I really dont want to end it and to be honest i dont want to wait till possibly monday to see what is going on. I noticed he replied very fast to me when i told him " you are not worth it. Bye" which astonished me.

So could this all be a big game?

karen3212

Oh OP, it all sounds very dodgy. Did he meet someone in Scotland.

Maybe while he was away he was out one night, and realized that he is not ready for a committed relationship.

I think a lot of men like to chase. If it was me, I wouldn't bother with him and let him do the running and the texting and chasing - if you think he is worth it, play the game.

Wibbs

OK my take and apologies in advance for what may be seen as harsh in places.

odarallo wrote:

For the past 3 days my partner has been "avoiding me" for no apperant reason.

Not so good.

So i went into his work to talk to him and ask what was going on.

Future reference, I wouldn't do this. It smacks of neediness. Now I know you were naturally worried, but don't sell yourself short by overly pursuing someone.
This was the very first sms he sent me after i went to his work.

He said "we need to talk, im confused.

I love the "confused" line. Usually means they're anything but. He's presumably a grown man, how confused can he be?

dont know if im ready for a relationship yet.

Likely translation? "I don't know if I'm ready for a relationship with you" or "I don't want to be tied down".

I like you so much but i need time to think in my life.

OK

Your perfect its my fault.

Ah the classic "it's not you it's me". Pure BS in general.

kisses

Nice touch.

I said "fine we leave it at that then. i waited for you all night to talk and you treat me like this. You are not worth it. Bye"

Dramatic but sensible response from you.

he replied " im sorry eduardo i would like to contiune our relationship, but im not ready for that.

In other words, "I wnat you but don't want you". How's that work then. Now I'm confused.

maybe i love you. but im confused.

C'mon, he either knows or doesn't. Jeez, maybe I'm a bit black and white, but I've been pretty sure whether I loved or indeed disliked someone. If you can't figure out something that fundamental then I would be asking questions.

He replied " i ring you when i have time to talk. I am working all weekend. I did not answer because i dont want to talk by phone. I am sad alot of things happening. I'm sorry"

Fair enough phones are a pain for the important things.

I replied " You may be sad but so am i. I know alot is going on for you and i want to help you. thats what im here for. I still hope you love me but i will not wait forever"

Seems fair.

this morning i sent "you put new pictures up on your profile and you dont want me to be angry? either you love me or you dont. If you met a guy just tell me so i can move on. its only fair"

he replied "i didnt put up new pictures on my profile. I'm sure"

Well he either did or he didn't which is it?

I know there is something going on but i thought i was his partner. i feel so stupid. I cared so much then to be treated like this.

After 6 weeks you're reacting a bit OTT if you don't mind me saying so. Yes even at that early stage if someone goes of the boil it's a bit of a shock, but initially it read like you were together years.

I dont think i can wait till monday to get a reply

If you can;t wait a few days, you're panicking a tad too much IMHO.

I noticed he replied very fast to me when i told him " you are not worth it. Bye" which astonished me.

Could be he just had time or he simply was waiting for the line from you that gave him an out.

So could this all be a big game?

It's only a game if you agree to the rules and play back. Showing up at his workplace is playing a bit of a game too.

After all that my honest opinion is that you're being phased out and all the (textbook) excuses you're being given are to minimise grief for and from you.

odarallo

just sent the final sms

"You know what, im not going to waste my time anymore. you either want me or you dont give me an answer so i can move on"

im not going to play this game, im going to give him back what he is giving me utter bull ****.

Thanks for all your amasin responses because it is exactly as ive been thinking

Marksie

odarallo wrote:

I know there is something going on but i thought i was his partner. i feel so stupid. I cared so much then to be treated like this.

You have probably done the best thing op. But one things stood out. When you thought he was your partner, had he said as much. Maybe things indeed were going too far and too fast and he got cold feet.

McGinty

Hi Op

I would concur with Wibbs, I have heard many of the lines myself, personally I judge a person's actions not thier words, as nice as they can be, do the actions match the words. I know how you feel, it would be so lovely to believe what you are being told, don't want for what your partner wants, judge for yourself if you can accept this behaviour.

odarallo

Well i got the sms i didnt want tonight, Its over. But i love the way he added, ohh I have your memory stick we should meet and i give it back to you.

I just replied sure tell me when, have a good night.

I feel me not caring will make it worse for him! :P

Wibbs

Exactly McGinty, talk is cheap, bullshít they're giving away for free. Actions are where it's at.

odarallo wrote:

Well i got the sms i didnt want tonight, Its over.

Which you knew, but this is a new start. Trust me in this, although you may not have wanted that sms, you will find looking back you needed it and will learn from it if you're open to that.

I have your memory stick we should meet and i give it back to you.

An post is a wonderful service, suggest he uses it.

I feel me not caring will make it worse for him! :P

Maybe not what you want to hear, but so what? He's gone for now, maybe for good. It's all about you. Stop all contact. This allows you to heal faster. If it helps it'll also get the ex thinking and with women I've noticed it very often gets them coming back(men I'm not so sure), but that shouldn't be your primary reasoning. I've said it before and I'll bore you again, get yourself back, otherwise if you don't know what is good for you, you'll never find it and if you do you'll lose it all too easily.

I've had a mate go through a breakup a year ago after a ten year relationship, just be thankful you know now that it wasn't going to work. I suspect she might envy you.

odarallo

Wibbs,

You are truely amasing. Thank you so much. Honestly a tear came to my eye reading that not because im sad over break up but because it was so touching. You should be a marraige counciler hehe.

Thanks so much for your response it helped me out alot today this was my very first male on male relationship and i think i moved it to fast which gave him cold feet. But you know life is a learning experience and we all learn from our mistakes.

If you want to chat on msn or anything just pop me a private

Have a fantastic night and thanks again

Beijos/besos/kisses

Wibbs

odarallo wrote:

Wibbs,

You are truely amasing.

Thanks for that. Cheered me up.

You should be a marraige counciler hehe.

Ehhhh maybe not, you wouldn't say that if you talked to any of my exes. They say there's nothing more dangerous than a woman scorned and I've got the scars to prove it....:D

this was my very first male on male relationship

Ouch. Look is it doesn't seem to matter whether it's male on male, female on female, male on female, undecided with farmyard animal, the details vary but the song remains the same. The only difference for you(and it would be a big one), would be the added complication of being your first trip into that new particular dating game and the complications that may arise from that. You are just finding your feet. We all have to do it. We all have to learn about ourselves and kiss a few frogs or frogettes as the case may be.

and i think i moved it to fast which gave him cold feet.

Very common problem. You can read in these pages how many were there before you. The sad fact is unless you get very lucky you often have to hide your emotions in the early stages.

But you know life is a learning experience and we all learn from our mistakes.

That's the trick. The real trick if you can manage it, is learning from others mistakes. Hard one though

Have a fantastic night and thanks again

I will and thanks again yourself. Compliments are always welcome. Good luck with your new start and don't let one bump in the road put you off looking.

K-9

What age are you odarallo?

Wibbs has some great advice for you, however be careful of the taking the advice that suits of the internet and ignoring some very well intentioned criticism:

You went to his work after 6 weeks of going out? To me that's slightly stalkerish. Way too early for that. Sort it out by phone or text or meet in the evening. People need their space! That was alarm bells for me and probably a lot of men!

odarallo wrote:

For the past 3 days my partner has been "avoiding me" for no apperant reason. So i went into his work to talk to him and ask what was going on. I told him I would arrive back to his work when he was finished.

Your partner of 6 weeks was avoiding you for 3 days and you arrived into his work?
He was probably freaked out.
Maybe he needed some space, happens in relationships and not a bad thing.

odarallo wrote:

I replied " well i think answering your phone would be a start. if you want to talk organise a time when you can meet. Im at home now. I assumed you werent coming

Some jobs, you just can't turn up like that. He may not have been able to answer his phone. Does happen. Unfortunately you have to take a back seat to his work during work times, unless it's an emergency. Don't see an emergency in this case!

odarallo wrote:

I replied " You may be sad but so am i. I know alot is going on for you and i want to help you. thats what im here for. I still hope you love me but i will not wait forever"

he replied "Please dont be angry with me. Just give me time to think. My life is messy. I ring you when im free, maybe monday. Good night"

Give him time to think. Seriously, the calling around to work freaked him. He needs time to think!

The pictures thing, I'm totally confused! Was it a dating site or Bebo/Myspace?

Your only going out 6 weeks, you care so much and you can't wait for a relpy?

odarallo wrote:

Thanks for all your amasin responses because it is exactly as ive been thinking

They wheren't all amazing. Look at all the responses, not the ones that suit you!

I'm not being critical and Wibbs has great advice. The stomping into his work after 6 weeks freaked me out! Don't do that again!

bigjohnny80

maybe talk to a professional about your neediness. but you are young. . . .lots to learn and lots of people to meet in your life:)

odarallo

im 22. He wants to meet me to give me my memory card back and i have to give him some of his dvds back.

Maybe he needs some time but I felt I was being put on the long finger while he was going with someone else. Which really hurt me. Maybe going to his work was a wrong thing to do. But that would have meant I would be spending all weekend waiting by my phone upset. And i didnt want that. Who knows things may get fixed or never will we dont know.

But experience is the key lesson here. Who knows we maybe even good friends after all this noone knows what is going to happen until the time comes.

All advice is welcome and I wasnt picking the advice i wanted to here. Because I was told not to send him sms but i did and I decided to end it at this stage. Of course im still upset but thats the natural cycle of "losing" someone.

Cheers guys

Wibbs

Seanies32 wrote:

Wibbs has some great advice for you, however be careful of the taking the advice that suits of the internet and ignoring some very well intentioned criticism:

Very true.

You went to his work after 6 weeks of going out? To me that's slightly stalkerish. Way too early for that. Sort it out by phone or text or meet in the evening. People need their space! That was alarm bells for me and probably a lot of men!

Probably? Oh it's more than probably.

The pictures thing, I'm totally confused! Was it a dating site or Bebo/Myspace?

I'm similarly bewildered.

They wheren't all amazing.

There's always one that bursts your bubble.....

Look at all the responses, not the ones that suit you!

Including the parts of mine that were critical of your actions;

After 6 weeks you're reacting a bit OTT if you don't mind me saying so. Yes even at that early stage if someone goes of the boil it's a bit of a shock, but initially it read like you were together years.

and

Future reference, I wouldn't do this. It smacks of neediness. Now I know you were naturally worried, but don't sell yourself short by overly pursuing someone.

I'm not being critical and Wibbs has great advice.

Good recovery.:D

The stomping into his work after 6 weeks freaked me out! Don't do that again!

Big lesson to be learned here OP.

Wibbs

odarallo wrote:

im 22. He wants to meet me to give me my memory card back and i have to give him some of his dvds back.

See how that goes, but do not beg or worse get angry.

Maybe he needs some time but I felt I was being put on the long finger while he was going with someone else. Which really hurt me.

Naturally, but know you have a fair idea where you stand.

Maybe going to his work was a wrong thing to do.

NO maybe about it. Don't do that with someone again, unless you're invited.

But that would have meant I would be spending all weekend waiting by my phone upset. And i didnt want that.

Tough. If you ever want a proper relationship with someone you are going to have to let go of that kind of thinking. Now you are young and that was your first relationship. If I think about my first relationship, I consider myself lucky I was years younger than you and my stupidity could be explained by my youth.

odarallo

He posted his pictures on Gaydar which is a dating website. He had signed in on the sunday which rang alarm bells to me.

So whatever was happening I think happened over last weekend that made him get "cold feet"

odarallo

ok today Sunday he came on msn stayed on for around 30 min. I resisted all urges to send anything and i suceeded.

Why do people like playing these games? Im trying to hold my integrety yet I feel like he is testing my patience.

MIND GAMES ARE BAD :P