Brother just admitted hes gay.

LegacyUser

Basically my brother just admitted to me last week that he's gay!
No-one else in the family knows, and i dont know why, but im really heartbroken even thought it was'nt really that much of a shock that he is. We used to be really close but now i cant look at him in the same way or we dont talk anymore like we used to and it's not just that he's gay as my other brother came out 4 years ago and told everyone he's gay and i dont have a problem with him at all and never have. I dont know what to do or say to him as i dont want him to feel awkward or regret telling me in the first place. If anyone has any advice id be glad to hear it as ive no-one else to talk to about this as no-one else knows. Thanks.

leninbenjamin

so he's gay, big deal. what does it matter?

mikemac

And............?

The Sweeper

I think you'll probably find it matters an awful lot to the OP's brother, and that's the whole point.

OP, there is a Gay & Lesbian & Bisexual forum under the Soc listing on boards.ie - if you post there you might be able to get better advice from people who have gone through what you are experiencing themselves.

One of the biggest misconceptions about a friend or family member disclosing that they're gay is that it's "no big deal".

It's a HUGE deal. It could well be the most important and preoccupying thing in their lives and they've chosen to share it with you and it's important not to be dismissive of it in your own efforts to project broad-minded acceptance.

dudara

no-oneelseknows wrote:

now i cant look at him in the same way or we dont talk anymore like we used to and it's not just that he's gay as my other brother came out 4 years ago and told everyone he's gay and i dont have a problem with him at all and never have.

This doesn't ring true with me. You have issues somewhere. Have you bottled up feelings from the time your other brother revealed his sexuality and now it's venting? Or are you concerned that you may be gay yourself, given that two of your brothers have come out? Are you worried that people may think you're also gay?

Elessar

And who are you? Sister/brother? What age is he?

Why are you so upset? Being in shock is fine but why cant you look at him?

We need more info here.

LegacyUser

Its not so much i cant look at him, i cant really explain it but i just cant get my head around it, even thought i kinda knew it was coming hes always been very feminine.

I dont think i have bottled up feelings from my other brother, we really spoke about it and cleared everything, which i did with this brother also, but i still cant believe it, i know its not making sense but i cant put what im feeling into words. He said hes not gay but bi.

Im certainly not worried that people think im gay coz two of my brothers are.

Im his sister, happily married with children and he is 19.

Scoobydoobydoo

If you have no problem with your other brother then why should this brother be any different? He deserves your support and respect just as much.

The Sweeper

Is it a case that you have an issue with bisexuality? Some people find they can accept homosexuality, but bisexuality feels more to them like a 'choice' and they can have a problem wtih that.

patrickolee

Do you think it is because he said is bi, rather than gay? It wouldn't be uncommon for people to be less comfortable with people being bi than gay. I have no idea why, but it does seem to be the case. Is this the case for you?

LegacyUser

Im not sure, i dont really think oh he's gay or he's bi, i really cant understand why im in such shock about him when not with my other brother. When he told me, immediately i felt like this, although i didnt let him see that.

Dudess

OP, is it maybe a case of you thought you knew the real him, but it turns out you didn't, and now you're having difficulties coming to terms with the fact that he wasn't his true self with you, his big sis?

karen3212

Hi OP, is it because he is younger and you feel protective of him/are more worried about him being happy than your other brother. Maybe you miss the idea of potentially having his kids play with your kids. Of course he could still have kids, but maybe right now you are mourning a little for how you thought life would be with your extended family etc. Maybe it is sadness about loss of a future you thought youd all have together. I don't know, but if you keep talking about it I'm sure you'll figure out why you are feeling the way you are just now.

LegacyUser

I watched for years as my brother fought over whether he was or wasn't gay, he came to the point of suicide over whether or not he could admit to both himself and to others that he was in fact gay. I think what your brother needs now is your support, he has confided in you obviously feeling that you are someone he can trust, he also could be using you and your reaction as a starting point for letting other know so your reaction could have a huge effect on his decision to let others know.


Since my brother decided to tell people he is gay he has become a much happier person, he can now be himself and doesn't have to pretend to be someone he is not just to keep everyone else happy. For the record my brother had also dated a number of women prior to this, in hindsight it was probably to be socially correct and following the usual expectations in Ireland that one must have a partner of the opposite sex from early to late teens, then the house, then the marriage, then the baby and then the other baby. I think it's time for people to accept people for who they are, allow people to live their own lives as they seem fit and I think from all the previous replies no-one sees it as a big deal anymore. If he is happy in himself be happy for him it surely is better than him having to pretend he is someone he is not and then living a miserable life.

d22ontour

You didn't mind 1 sibling telling you they were gay ? But it bothers you that the other is ? It isn't a hereditary sickness that you might catch.Grow up and support him as it what he was/is looking for.

How Strange

OP, I can't understand from your post why you are so upset. Did you bury all the feelings you experienced when your other brothers came out and they are only surfacing now as the last brother, 'your last hope for a normal brother' has just come out too?

Sorry for the cheap pschyology. You might consider talking to someone professional about this as it would be a shame if it ruined your relationship with your brother. The mind buries all sorts of feelings - rage, disappointment whatever it is- but they can resurface years later and leave you baffled as to where they have come from.

Dudess

d22ontour wrote:

You didn't mind 1 sibling telling you they were gay ? But it bothers you that the other is ? It isn't a hereditary sickness that you might catch.Grow up and support him as it what he was/is looking for.

Exactly. The OP can't understand why this is the case - it's the main reason why she can't just "grow up and support him".
I don't think the OP has a problem with homosexuality, she's just having difficulties coming to terms with this particular brother's sexuality (and I've no doubt she feels bad for feeling this way - hence her thread).

How Strange

I have to say if it was my younger brother I would be worried about him and his safety but I don't think for a second it would change how I feel about him. In fact I know it wouldn't.

I think it is natural to maybe mourn the 'conventional' things that your brother will miss out on but in reality you are really mourning that you will miss out on those things with him.

He is still the same person he always was and by your own admission he was always very feminine so you should have been aware of the likelihood of him being gay especially considering your other two brothers are as well.

Nevyn

Dudess wrote:

Exactly. The OP can't understand why this is the case - it's the main reason why she can't just "grow up and support him".
I don't think the OP has a problem with homosexuality, she's just having difficulties coming to terms with this particular brother's sexuality (and I've no doubt she feels bad for feeling this way - hence her thread).

I guess maybe the op was hoping that should would not be the only one to settle down and have children. Being the only sibling with children can but a lot of focus on you and your children. It could be she was hoping for cousins for her own children.

LegacyUser

I REALLY dont know why i am feeling like this and Dudess is spot on i hate feeling like this. Im very shocked (even tho as i said before i kinda knew). I still cant get my head around it.
I didnt have a "bad" reaction, i kept talking normally and laughing with him, but inside my emotions were all over the place. Since he started dating this guy i have seen him 3 times and he lives so close to me, he is really adamant that no-one else will ever know.

Would you think that's because he's not accepted who he is yet or because he's embarrassed or what?
Thats why i have'nt spoken to him about it, as if its correct that hes not fully accepted it himself, then i dont think i should make things more difficult by questioning him.

LegacyUser

How Strange wrote:

OP, I can't understand from your post why you are so upset. Did you bury all the feelings you experienced when your other brothers came out and they are only surfacing now as the last brother, 'your last hope for a normal brother' has just come out too?

Sorry for the cheap pschyology. You might consider talking to someone professional about this as it would be a shame if it ruined your relationship with your brother. The mind buries all sorts of feelings - rage, disappointment whatever it is- but they can resurface years later and leave you baffled as to where they have come from.

I dont think so i have two straight brothers.

leninbenjamin

Minesajackdaniels wrote:

One of the biggest misconceptions about a friend or family member disclosing that they're gay is that it's "no big deal".

It's a HUGE deal. It could well be the most important and preoccupying thing in their lives and they've chosen to share it with you and it's important not to be dismissive of it in your own efforts to project broad-minded acceptance.

apologies, didn't mean to come across as dismissive. it was more the OPs own attitudes i was referring too... at heart he's still the same person, and imo it's mostly just the OPs perceptions that have changed. From her point i think it's a case of overcoming this and becoming that caring and close sister she once was ,to help him get through what will undoubtedly be a difficult period.

OP imo you need to do a little digging to see why it is exactly you find this difficult to accept. perhaps something as simple as writing on the subject might help.... just jot down ideas and concepts to see if you can figure out what's going on in your own mind on the issue. it's really hard to give any concrete advice on the issue, it's something you're going to have to work on yourself.

Dave!

Maybe you should take heart from the fact that he trusts you enough to confide in you with this.

Nevyn

no-oneelseknows wrote:

I REALLY dont know why i am feeling like this and Dudess is spot on i hate feeling like this. Im very shocked (even tho as i said before i kinda knew). I still cant get my head around it.
I didnt have a "bad" reaction, i kept talking normally and laughing with him, but inside my emotions were all over the place. Since he started dating this guy i have seen him 3 times and he lives so close to me, he is really adamant that no-one else will ever know.

Would you think that's because he's not accepted who he is yet or because he's embarrassed or what?
Thats why i have'nt spoken to him about it, as if its correct that hes not fully accepted it himself, then i dont think i should make things more difficult by questioning him.

Could it be that you are worried he will have as rough a time as you brother brother did ad that he will under go the same trama and you wish you could spare him that ?

Esel

no-oneelseknows wrote:

if its correct that hes not fully accepted it himself, then i dont think i should make things more difficult by questioning him.

Hope you mean talk to him, not question him.

ali.c

leninbenjamin wrote:

so he's gay, big deal. what does it matter?

Eh i dont know but its a big change. This is my point of view speaking from personal experience, but people who "come out" have spent a good bit of time working through the feelings and coming to terms with being gay. They have at that point adjusted to the idea of being gay or at least to some extent. However when they come out, its sprung on you and all of sudden your meant to be supportive. People who advise you are like oh grow up pr so what blah blah blah, but the bottom line is that it does take some getting used to. It doesnt mean that you are a bad person or indeed that the person who is gay is either. It just sometimes takes a while to come to terms with. It is nothing to do with being mature.

Aard

Just a shot in the dark, but maybe your other gay brother could talk to him/help him through some stuff? Or the three of you together?

You said you haven't seen him that much; maybe you're just missing his company? Or you think that 'everythings going to change' now? Talking through any issues is the only way to sort them out; if you're feeling different being in the company of your brother, then he probably feels the same way - you need to be the mature one here and initiate conversation before the rift grows further.

randylonghorn

Tbh, OP, it sounds more like you are in shock than anything else. You may just need to give yourself a bit of time to adjust. Having had a suspicion in the past is not the same as knowing now. And if you don't have any problem with your older brother being gay, it's unlikely that you will have a problem with this brother once you've had time to get used to the idea.

karen3212 wrote:

Hi OP, is it because he is younger and you feel protective of him/are more worried about him being happy than your other brother.

I think there may be something here, actually. When your older brother came out it was someone who was older than you and who probably had minded YOU over the years making a decision to share something personal about himself with his family and friends. You probably thought something like "Fair play! Well done, you!", and found it easy to be quietly supportive.

Now, however, it is your younger brother, who you have probably looked out for over the years as you both grew up. It's fairly natural, I think, that you feel more caught up in the situation. You may be worried about him ... the fact that he is so "adamant that no-one else will ever know" has to be a concern, it's totally unrealistic anyway if he's dating a guy. One way or the other, I'm not really that surprised that you would react differently with a younger brother than with an older one.

spurious

Using the word 'admitted' makes me think maybe you're not as comfortable with 'the gay thing' as you claim.
People don't admit to being gay, they admit to murder or being a Daniel O'Donnell fan.;)

Your brother has chosen to trust you with a fact about himself - he may choose to share it with others at a later stage. It has come as a bit of a shock to you and of course you are curious to know certain things, but don't overload him with the questions.

mukki

so both your brothers are gay!, just curious but if they became partners, would it still be incest?

Beruthiel

mukki wrote:

so both your brothers are gay!, just curious but if they became partners, would it still be incest?

Banned for making this weeks most idiotic comment.
B

LegacyUser

'I came out to my sister about 6 years before anybody else. Before I'd really come out to myself actually. I was 17 and had convinced myself I'd accepted it, and one night when I was drunk I blurted it out to her. We stayed up all night talking about it, it was a very big deal for me.

Anyway, I really wasn't ready at the time to even begin accepting it. And she I think felt like you do now. She didn't want to force me to talk about it. She was very supportive, and tried to bring it up a couple of times in the next few weeks, but I just couldn't bring myself to deal with it, and kind of went back into denial. Anyway this went on for a while until it was pretty much forgotten about.

Anyway, long story short, I'm out now and have been for a long time and I'm very happy. I'm just trying to give a perspective of perhaps how your brother would feel. It's obviously a very big deal for him, and he obviously really trusts you and has alot of respect for you. You need to repay him this and try to deal with it without letting him know what you're going through. As somebody said earlier, it's very likely that he is using your reaction as a gauge, and if you let him know that you're finding it hard to deal with it could be a disaster for him.

I don't know why you are finding this so difficult. Especially because you say you already knew, and also because you've already gone through it with your older brother. It could very well be that you're trying to deal with the surprise and burden that it was you who he chose to tell. In fact this seems very likely, especially because of the title 'no-one else knows'. That's just something you're going to have to deal with yourself. It probably won't be just you knowing for very long, especially as you said he's been seeing another guy. That's often a huge step in terms of people accepting their own sexuality. You're just going to have to keep a secret for a while and be supportive of him.

If he brings it up with you again or you feel it necessary to bring it up with him again, reassure him how brave he is, and how proud of him you are. But if he doesn't want to talk about it again don't pressure him. That's all you can do until he is ready to tell the rest of the world, then I doubt that you'll feel this is such a burden. By the sounds of things that won't be too long off.

Good Luck'

LegacyUser

Thanks for all who posted helpful comments!

Aard, maybe some of what you're saying is true but tbh id rather him not be around me at the moment until ive accepted it, the last thing i want is to be acting strangely with him when he trusted me in the first place.

I am grateful he trusted me, but im still very shocked.

Ive met the guy he's going out with he brought him to my house, and i was trying to make conversation, rather than sitting in silence, but he didnt really speak back to me which didnt obviously put my mind at rest, that hes an ok guy or whatever. I think i was expecting him to say that he was serious about him and wasnt going to make an eejit out of him as the boyfriend is over a decade older than him.

LegacyUser

TheOtherSide wrote:

'I came out to my sister about 6 years before anybody else. Before I'd really come out to myself actually. I was 17 and had convinced myself I'd accepted it, and one night when I was drunk I blurted it out to her. We stayed up all night talking about it, it was a very big deal for me.

Anyway, I really wasn't ready at the time to even begin accepting it. And she I think felt like you do now. She didn't want to force me to talk about it. She was very supportive, and tried to bring it up a couple of times in the next few weeks, but I just couldn't bring myself to deal with it, and kind of went back into denial. Anyway this went on for a while until it was pretty much forgotten about.

Anyway, long story short, I'm out now and have been for a long time and I'm very happy. I'm just trying to give a perspective of perhaps how your brother would feel. It's obviously a very big deal for him, and he obviously really trusts you and has alot of respect for you. You need to repay him this and try to deal with it without letting him know what you're going through. As somebody said earlier, it's very likely that he is using your reaction as a gauge, and if you let him know that you're finding it hard to deal with it could be a disaster for him.

I don't know why you are finding this so difficult. Especially because you say you already knew, and also because you've already gone through it with your older brother. It could very well be that you're trying to deal with the surprise and burden that it was you who he chose to tell. In fact this seems very likely, especially because of the title 'no-one else knows'. That's just something you're going to have to deal with yourself. It probably won't be just you knowing for very long, especially as you said he's been seeing another guy. That's often a huge step in terms of people accepting their own sexuality. You're just going to have to keep a secret for a while and be supportive of him.

If he brings it up with you again or you feel it necessary to bring it up with him again, reassure him how brave he is, and how proud of him you are. But if he doesn't want to talk about it again don't pressure him. That's all you can do until he is ready to tell the rest of the world, then I doubt that you'll feel this is such a burden. By the sounds of things that won't be too long off.

Good Luck'

Thanks for sharing that with me, its been helpful to look at it from my brothers point of view.

Beruthiel

no-oneelseknows wrote:

I think i was expecting him to say that he was serious about him and wasnt going to make an eejit out of him as the boyfriend is over a decade older than him.

In fairness, the above is not restricted to gay people, that can be the situation anyone of us could find ourselves in.
He's the same guy he was last month and if he's happy that's all that counts, everything else is just fluff.

patrickolee

no-oneelseknows wrote:

I think i was expecting him to say that he was serious about him and wasnt going to make an eejit out of him as the boyfriend is over a decade older than him.

I wonder could that be it? The fact that the bf is older and you are a little worried about it at some level. The love that dare not speak it's name

Marksie

Beruthiel is right in that he is the same brother you had until the exact moment he told you.

It is in you yourself that the change has occurred any you have to really look at what people are saying here and see if any strike a chord with you.

It could be shock a sudden shift in your reality and that given time you will need to balance it.

You already have one gay brother and now the other has now come out. Could a small part of you, even subconsciously, now be questioning things in yourself?

How are your relations with your brother who is out? cordial?, distant? just accepting? Why are they then so different with this one?

Your brother has confident something very inportant to you. He may be looking for support. Take some time to come to terms with him, but don't avoid him.

He IS after all the same brother you have always had and the same human being. Regardless of his sexuality, which is only a small part of who someoene is

LegacyUser

I suppose with my last brother he told everyone at the same time so it wasnt as difficult, but this brother dose'nt want anyone else to know so i cant discuss it with anyone.

Thanks to everyone who replied, some people (no disrespect meant to others) really helped me.

Ive accepted it will just take me time to get used to the idea, and i know i will.

Thanks again.