Donor Sperm

WannabeMommy

I'm single, have a stable job and live in a shared house with 3 others. I want to be a mother and as there's no man on the scene I'm considering going it alone.

Does anyone know how to go about getting donor sperm?

Also I think that I'd have to leave my shared house accomodation when the baby arrives and I head back to work after maternity leave. What financial assistance is available to me to help me with creche fees, renting a flat etc.

Thanks for your comments.

eimearnll

ah i dont think your really in a possion to be having a kid,you dont have your own place,and your looking for money already to pay your rent and creche.
there are all your costs on top of that aswell,there expensive little things i know i have 3,why are you in such a hurry to have a baby,how long are you single,and if you dont mind me asking how old are you?

Nevyn

You should be looking and working towards a stable home base for you and any children you do have in the future. Sharing a house with others is generally not feasible when you have a baby.

http://www.citizensinformation.ie/categories/birth-family-relationships/birth_life_event

WannabeMommy

I currently live in a shared house. At the time when I fall pregnant I will leave the house and live alone while I prepare for the birth. Meanwhile I will continue working.

My questions were: as I've decided on a donor method has anyone got any constructive advice on this and secondly from a practical pov while I do have a stable job what assistance is available to me when I enter into parenthood.

I'm in my mid-thirties and have been single for 3 years.

silja

You will get maternity leave, 26 weeks paid. Unless your job pays all your salary, the state only gives you 200-280 euro a week (depending on your salary). Child allowance will be paid throughout the child early years- it is not much though (160 euro a month). Especially if you live in Dublin, the rent plus creche fees will eat up more than your salary unless you have a very very good job; that is why the others recommended to get stable first, so you know if you can afford a child.

If you have health insurance through your job/ privately, that will pay for public care throughout the pregnancy. However, to achieve the pregnancy you'll need the help of a fertility clinic. There are several around, but not all do donor sperm (most are set up to deal with couples, not singles). Ask your GP for recommendations. You'll be looking at a procedure called IUI, and will likely need fertility drugs as well, plus bloodwork and close monitoring with ultrasound throughout your cycle to determine the best time for the treatment. You will be looking at 1000-1600 euro per cycle of treatment, with no guarantee that it works.

di11on

My wife has me and still finds it very hard work bringing up our kids. I'd like to think I'm a decent and helpful dad - and still with two, it's hard work. With one, it's harder.

Single parents manage and do a damn fine job, but how many would put themselves in that position had they the choice?

Think of your potential kids... don't they deserve the chance of a real dad?

kashi

As someone who is pregnant, but didn't plan to be, I have to say I don't think there is ever an ideal time to have a child. If you are planning on getting pregnant though, do try and get as much organised as you possibly can. They are expensive little things alright, but you know what you want more than any of us ever could. Price things like the flat/house you want etc and work out how much it will be. Find out about creche prices in your local areas. All these will help.

Good luck Wannabe. I hope everything works out well for you and keep us updated:D

Carrigart Exile

WannabeMommy wrote:

I'm single, have a stable job and live in a shared house with 3 others. I want to be a mother and as there's no man on the scene I'm considering going it alone.

Does anyone know how to go about getting donor sperm?

Also I think that I'd have to leave my shared house accomodation when the baby arrives and I head back to work after maternity leave. What financial assistance is available to me to help me with creche fees, renting a flat etc.

Thanks for your comments.

Well apart from the obvious natural way and any Friday night in any Town, there is actually now a shortage of sperm donors thanks to recent changes in the law. Before donors details were secret, now the law has changed to allow children born from such donations to find details of the donor..........and the fear is it is just a short step from that to getting maintenance from the donor

Gabsdot

The Morhampton Clinic in Donnybrook provide a donor sperm service. They use frozen sperm from Denmark usually. If you get your own donor they will help with advicce re screenings etc and counselling.
Good luck

WannabeMommy

That's great information thanks so much for your response.

WBM

McGinty

Hi Op

I think the donor part is the easiest aspect of getting a baby, but I am going to be very straight with you, I have raised my son alone since he was six months old and it is very, very tough. I accept it but I may sound patronising, you have no idea of what you are entering.

First of you will have to juggle work, creche, sleepless nights for the short term.

Your social life and freedom will be seriously curtailed as you won't be able to just step out the door, every holiday, night out, night class or whatever will always have to be planned in advance because you need to get childcare sorted.

Finances will be seriously depleted, although I suspect this won't be a huge problem.

When/if you have a new relationship you will have to consider how this will affect your child, your child will want to know about its father. All the decisions rest on your shoulders.

That is all I can think of, now maybe you just have a deep deep yearning for a child and what I have said above will fall on deaf ears, but please consider these. It can be very lonely raising a child and having a child will not fufil any lonliness issues. I didn't choose to be a single parent it happened that way and I wouldn't really recommend it. Oh also there is still a huge social stigma attached, espicially if your on benefits.

On the positive note you can raise your child exactly how you wish, so no arguements on childcare issues, and children teach parents so much as well.

philologos

WannabeMommy: I know this is a touch off topic. But if you were to go to a sperm donor, would you regard the man who provided the sperm as the father of the child, or would you give him any custody to the baby if he desired it?

WannabeMommy

McGinty, thank you for taking the time to express your opinion. I don't find it patronising at all, I'm open to a broad and I hope balanced discussion. I'm 38 now and my desire to be a mother has been getting stronger since I was 33....that’s a lot of yearning, and I fear it may cloud my judgement somewhat.

I’ve travelled the world and have led a fun uncomplicated life style. I know I’ll have to give that up but for me the social merry-go-round has lost its lustre.

I’m willing to put in the hard graft, sleepless nights, juggling work etc because I believe that motherhood would in itself be its own reward. You did hit a nerve though when you mentioned the loneliness aspect and its not something I take lightly. This is the reason I currently house share as previously I was living alone and found it a very lonely experience.

The prospect of me being a single mother by design is not some whimsical act. Which is why I’m trying to research all the pros and cons and prepare myself physically before I take action.

Jakkass, while seeking donor sperm from a clinic is an option, there are others open to me. Carrigart Exile mentioned the obvious, but the Friday night tango is not a consideration for me the probability of STIs and bad genes are not risks I’m prepared to take. I have a gay friend who is willing to be the donor and will be as involved as I desire. On that basis my child would always know who his/her father is and the father would feature in our lives. My friend doesn't live in Ireland so weekly/weekend custody issues would not be an issue.

Whilst the social and family structure is changing in Ireland and I take on board that there may be a social stigma attached to single parents would it not be the case that as this is my choice and a well thought through one at that it may not apply. Not to say that I would be exempt from some whisperings but its not as though I’ve been ‘caught out’.

Shelli

I think your being very irresponsible to even think about this.....not the having a child alone part, that is a personal choice and many many people do a wonderful job as a single parent. But before you take into account the cost of getting pregnant and docs fees, your asking about financial assistance for when the baby arrives??

If you can't afford a child on your own should you even be considering it?

Ayla

OP, I hate to say it, but I think I agree with Shelli. I completely support your desire to have a babe of your own, and I think there are a lot of single parents out there who do a fantastic job.

But to be looking for extra external financial support before you even get started...is that fair? You would automatically get the same financial benefits as any parents (child benefits of €1,000/ year, paid quarterly, and €160/month) but is it fair on the rest of society to be asking for extra financial support just b/c you decide you'd like a babe all by yourself?

Now I don't mean to be rude or blunt with this, and I'm sure it's something you've already considered. You sound like you're taking this very seriously and have given it a lot of thought. But if you already know you can't afford your living expenses or those of your potential child when you go back to work, how much of your lifestyle are you willing to sacrifice to ensure your child gets what they need/deserve?

I wish you all the luck, this isn't an easy decision to make.

Theboinkmaster

OP I fully agree with Ayla and Shelli on this.

You obisously do not have the finances or the family stability to have a child. Just because you want one and can doesn't mean you should.

Would you not perhaps put the time and energy into finding someone special to share your life with? And then maybe think about childen - there's always IVF and adoption as options.

I speak from personal experience - I was brought up all my life by a single mom and it was a very loney & tough experience and one which I wouldn't wish one anyone. I was an accident so grand but you're actually PLANNING on this? When your child grows up they may deeply resent you - think how they'd feel looking at other families with a mom and dad, brothers and sisters - AND a stable financial background? It was one thing if all this was an accident but you're planning it. This IMHO (and please don't be offended you posted on a public forum) you are being unbelievably irresponsible and reckless and I pity your child before they're even born.

Your planning on having your child born into a world with just 1 parent and inadequate financial resources to bring them up, all because you're yearning for a child? Common sense must prevail here I'm afraid.

You are 37 and have time - my aunt only found her partner at 40 last year and are now busy trying for a child, using IVF....

Please have a serious re-think about this - I'm not too concerned about you but what about your unborn child, what your bringing them into

WannabeMommy

To call me irresponsible is a bit harsh. Irresponsible in my book is to go into this without thinking about the impact on all sides, emotive, financial, physical etc.

I’m not looking for any special conditions or handouts, I just wanted to know what was statutory for single working mothers and the conditions of pay/term of leave during maternity leave from work. Thaedydal and silja have furnished me with this information and Gabsdot has pointed me in the direction of a clinic for when I wish to make more detailed enquiries.

Its not my intention to rely on welfare or stretch my means so that either one of us suffers.

Of course I’d like the husband, dual parent, white picket fence etc. but its not happened. Neither do I want to trap some guy for the sake of maintenance, that’s not honest or fair. Is it not better for a child to grow up in a house hold where s/he was planned and wanted rather than being used as a pawn for maintenance.....

I’m trying to weigh up all the options while I still have choice and where better than a parenting forum.

I would have thought that making all these enquiries was responsible.

Ayla

WannabeMommy wrote:

To call me irresponsible is a bit harsh. Irresponsible in my book is to go into this without thinking about the impact on all sides, emotive, financial, physical etc. ... Its not my intention to rely on welfare or stretch my means so that either one of us suffers.

OP, I appreciate your thought into this situation, and as I said before I understand this isn't an easy decision.

So let me put it to you this way...

I am married and have a baby of 10 months. I am now in full-time employment and gross about €400/week. The creche in our area costs €140/week (which, as I understand is *incredibly* cheap comparitively). If I had to raise my DD by myself while working full-time, I would then only have €260 to pay all other living expenses. Rent was €140/week (also very cheap), that would leave €120/week to pay utilities, groceries, car, etc etc etc. Even with the child benefits as already discussed, this would be a tight fit.

Now, I don't think I could do this, and I live *very* frugally. I don't go out socializing, I never buy new clothes and I certainly don't spend money on anything I don't have to.

So, plug in your own figures. What are your rent/creche/living costs, and how does that rank against your salary? Could you do it solely on this basis? Like I said before, I don't (personally) think it's very fair to assume you can suppliment your living costs with government aid b/c you decide you want a child.

The irresponsibility doesn't come from not thinking about all aspects of this situation, it comes in making a decision which isn't practical in the long run. No one can make this decision for you, but you truly do need a solid plan of action before you bring someone else in the situation.

Shelli

IMO and I could be wrong, but your thinking of HOW you can do this, not IF you should.

I believe it would be wrong for you to intentionally have a child alone and then seek single parents allowance in order to support that child.

I do however think that you know how hard it will be on your own and are not going into this with your eyes closed, and I think your a very brave woman for considering it, its your thoughts on finances that worry me.

di11on

What I find interesting is that 90% of this discussion is about how difficult this may be for the OP and there are definitely many valid concerns being raised in this regard. But how this will impact on your child seems to be a secondary concern.

There are single mothers out there doing fantastic jobs - but I bet 99% of them will tell you that it's the second best option.

What about your child. Doesn't your child deserve the chance of a full time father? I think there are some hard questions that need to be faced like, should your desire to have child take precedence over that child's interests?

Technology and medicine have made this difficult decision you face possible - but does someone really have a right to bring a child into the world with the father effectively written out before conception?

Shelli

di11on wrote:

What about your child. Doesn't your child deserve the chance of a full time father? I think there are some hard questions that need to be faced like, should your desire to have child take precedence over that child's interest.

If I was raised by a single parent I know I'd much rather be told that Mummy had me by a donor becuase she planned me and knew she'd have all the love I need, rather than I was an accident and my dad didn't want to know!!

ANd what about same sex couples, are you saying they shouldn'tbe parents because the child wouldnt have one parent of either sex (although thats off topic and should probably be discussed in another thread).

di11on

Shelli wrote:

If I was raised by a single parent I know I'd much rather be told that Mummy had me by a donor becuase she planned me and knew she'd have all the love I need, rather than I was an accident and my dad didn't want to know!!

Thats second best too. Just because there are other situations that can lead to a sub-ideal environment for a child doesn't make it ok. Having two loving parents is just better - that's all I'm saying.

Shelli wrote:

ANd what about same sex couples, are you saying they shouldn'tbe parents because the child wouldnt have one parent of either sex (although thats off topic and should probably be discussed in another thread).

No I'm not saying that.

Khannie

WannabeMommy wrote:

I would have thought that making all these enquiries was responsible.

I may be a bit late on this as I'm not long back from holidays (I went looking for the thread I started before I left), but I agree with this. I don't see how the OP is being irresponsible in any way.

Also, a few people pounced on her for asking about entitlements. They're called entitlements because you're entitled to them. You're not a freeloader if you make use of them. Not in the slightest.

On a slight variation of the Friday night thing, it might be worth asking male friends if they're interested. I know you said you had a friend who had said he would, so there are probably more.

Anyway, best of luck WBM.

OTK

I want to also encourage you to try to have a child whatever way you can.

monkey tennis

Any chance you'd consider adopting?

SarahSassy

McGinty wrote: »

Hi Op

I think the donor part is the easiest aspect of getting a baby, but I am going to be very straight with you, I have raised my son alone since he was six months old and it is very, very tough. I accept it but I may sound patronising, you have no idea of what you are entering.

First of you will have to juggle work, creche, sleepless nights for the short term.

Your social life and freedom will be seriously curtailed as you won't be able to just step out the door, every holiday, night out, night class or whatever will always have to be planned in advance because you need to get childcare sorted.

Finances will be seriously depleted, although I suspect this won't be a huge problem.

When/if you have a new relationship you will have to consider how this will affect your child, your child will want to know about its father. All the decisions rest on your shoulders.

That is all I can think of, now maybe you just have a deep deep yearning for a child and what I have said above will fall on deaf ears, but please consider these. It can be very lonely raising a child and having a child will not fufil any lonliness issues. I didn't choose to be a single parent it happened that way and I wouldn't really recommend it. Oh also there is still a huge social stigma attached, espicially if your on benefits.

On the positive note you can raise your child exactly how you wish, so no arguements on childcare issues, and children teach parents so much as well.

Would you be without him???

Why would you be denying her the option of having the happiness you have with your son... Of course its hard work, everyone one knows that but I have yet to hear someone say that they would prefer to return their child than have some hard work.

McGinty

Why would you be denying her the option of having the happiness you have with your son...

Hi Sarah sassy, well to begin with I don't have the power to deny anyone the option of anything, the Op asked for information/opinions, I gave her my opinion, and she was grateful for some of the points I raised. Whilst I love my son, for me it is not always happy, sometimes I resent being a mum, sometimes I find it lonely and frustating, and I expressed those views to the Op, would I be without my son - no, but sometimes I get frustrated by parenting, that is not everyone's experience but it is mine, and I have the right to express that opinion, there are a number of people and judging by your remark you are one of them, who jump down a person's throat when they express a negative view towards child rearing.

Some women don't feel loving towards their babies for a long time, some mothers feel tempted to hurt their babies, some are bored to death by their children, I could go on and on, but do they act upon it, very occasionally they do, most however don't, but they feel it and they are too terrified to say anything because they are condemned for feeling that way, often these women struggle with those feelings and remain loving towards their children, they parent in spite of those issues, and I think it is only fair to express that at times parenting is hard, frustrating and so forth but it does not make that person less of a parent.

How do I know this because I dare to admit that I have felt nearly all of the above, I don't know why but I have and I have shared those feelings with other mothers and they have whispered back to me that they too have felt that way but were too terrified to admit these things, for a long long time I and other women felt like freaks because we felt that way, we were not 'real or loving mothers', so will you do me a favour, will you kindly consider what I have just said, open your mind and keep your condemnations to yourself.

Don't deprive the child of a father figure

Nevyn

A male role model can be a range of people in a child's life but they are importnat from an early age.

My godson (2) and also a little girl(3) I babysit don't have their fathers around them

My godson is fine as he lives with his uncles but my cousin will find it extremly difficult when the issue arises, my other little cousin who's 4 asked her a simple question a while ago such as " Whats (insert my godsons name here)" daddy called?

I was at the house last night and the mother of the girl I babaysit had told me that she had to answer the same question she didn't feel the need to lie as neither did my cousin but it was an experience for the both of them to have to address the subject

Something that I would say gets more difficult as the child gets older.

dame

OP, I'm not getting at you in any way but I think you should read this (article quoted in "Housing Bubble Bursting" thread in Accommodation & Property):

digitally-yours wrote:

Most read article on independent

---

I am a good mother, worker and citizen, but I have no future here'


You do not know me. I am invisible. I am not living in poverty. I am a member of Ireland's new poor middle class. I cannot afford to live in post-Celtic Tiger Ireland anymore.

Let me introduce myself -- my name is Kerry and I am 35 years old. I'm a devoted mother to a beautiful five-year-old daughter, a full-time working professional and a good citizen. My only 'crime' is that I am a single parent with a single income. I have a good and worthwhile job that makes a contribution to the community and my daughter is happily settled in an excellent school. I participate in Ireland economically, intellectually and socially and am not a burden on the State.

Yet this same State has let me and my daughter down. What I give to the economy and to our society is being disregarded.

My main problem is that I don't own a house. I rent and because rents are now rising, my rent in Wicklow has gone up by 17 per cent. Even though I have no debts, I cannot afford to pay my rent anymore. How can anybody afford the rent for even a one-bed apartment which costs €1,200 a month when living costs are excruciatingly high? Some 85 per cent of my salary now goes on rent and utility bills. That leaves very little to pay for food, clothes, petrol and everything else.

There is no State assistance for me because I earn "too much", according to the guidelines set down by the Government. I cannot afford to buy a house and have little hope in the farcical lottery that is Affordable Housing.

I am being squeezed in the current economic climate.

While I get nothing from the State, I am less well off in real terms than many people who are earning less and able to claim government assistance. I am being penalised because I work and try to sustain a quality of life for my daughter by limiting her commuting time and the time she spends in childcare. I have no reserves. I cannot afford to save. If the unexpected were to happen, I would not be able to cope financially.

And so I find myself with three options. I could join the ranks of the unemployed, apply for State benefits, try to get a house or flat on the housing list. I could move house again, uproot my little girl (the fourth such move in her short life), take her away from her school, friends and family, face into increased commute times and even more time apart for both of us.

Or I could emigrate, start again, alone, in another country where I can afford to live. Whichever way I look at it, the prospects for me and my daughter are bleak.

I am not alone in this. There are many people, hidden from society, who are in the same boat. They, like me, are living month to month to keep the roof over their heads, to maintain a basic standard of living. Most are engulfed by spiralling debts. Most struggle to cover the cost of childcare, ever increasing mortgage repayments or rents, food and utility bills in the face of nominal wage or salary increases. They have no options, no flexibility and in many cases, no future in this country.

Are we once more facing into the emigration patterns we saw in Ireland in the Eighties and early Nineties? Is another generation going to be forced to make their future abroad because they cannot afford to be at home -- not because there are no jobs for them, but because the money they earn simply cannot possibly meet their outgoings? Who is driving this modern Ireland? Who is at the forefront of the economic and social policy?

In the UK, the authorities have embarked on a drive to provide housing for all. The belief is that everybody should have the opportunity to have a decent home, whether through renting or ownership. Affordable homes are provided at sub-market prices for those families earning up to stg£60,000 (€87,000).

In Wicklow, the guidelines say that you cannot earn more than €40,000 to qualify for an affordable house. The cut-points in Ireland are archaic and the income cut-off levels unrealistic. Only a handful of houses are available, and only in certain locations.

Our Government urgently needs to change and re-evaluate its cut-off levels. It needs to introduce dramatic and innovative housing initiatives that have been successful in other countries. Initiatives that look at those on incomes from €25,000 to €75,000. Private rented housing is vital to a growing economy and the sector needs support. More homes need to be built for a population that is growing but at a price that they can afford.

On my doorstep, work is to begin on yet another playground for the very wealthy -- the Greystones Marina. In an adjoining village, a €60m centre is due to be completed in 2008. The centre includes a mix of retail and residential as well as a nursing home, medical centre, gym and creche. We of the poor middle class will never have the option to live there because we will not be able to afford to buy or rent even the smallest apartment. Instead, the apartments will be bought by investors who will rent them out at so-called "market rates" -- and people like me will once again be priced out of the market.

I should have the chance to buy a home to gain some security. I know that in 11 months I will have to move again when my rent is once more increased. All I want is to live and raise my daughter in a place that we can be proud of, within a community that is sustainable. Not where I am at the mercy of a landlord's rent increase, where I have to move my daughter year after year to find accommodation we can afford.

The "future" could be such an exciting word. Not in my world. I cannot sustain the standard of living I have. I cannot make any provisions for the future. If it were possible for me to stay in Ireland, I would be looking at a future entirely reliant on State benefit. I have no capacity to save, no chance of engaging in a pension plan. Fast forward a few years and yes, I will be a burden on the State as will thousands of others, thousands who have spent the best part of their lives working -- and for what? Our Government has turned a blind eye -- why? Because a booming economy wins votes at the ballot box.

Bertie came to my daughter's school when he was electioneering. She was so excited to meet him, "the boss of Ireland". Will he go back to her school, hold her hand, look into her twinkling eyes full of hope and explain to her why her mummy is so sad? Why she will have to leave her school friends, her family, and her home?

No, it will be me who will have to explain.

Link here

http://www.independent.ie/business/p...e-1166575.html

ErnieBert

Go for it.

At 28, you have done a lot of things and parenthod is a natural progression. I became a Dad at 35 and now have 2 kids. Both were planned and I love them dearly. Had I became a Dad at 25, it wouldn't have suited my lifestyle but like yourself, I have seen the world etc and am currently enjoying parenthood.


To answer your original question, check out this brilliant Irish parenting website which has a very informative interacive section
www.rollercoaster.ie

Good luck being a mommy!