In Pursuit of Happiness

af_thefragile

No, not the movie. This is what my life has boiled down to.

The past few months have been quite a learning curve for me and i feel i've come to the last stage of this curve. I've realized a lot of things over the past months. There are a lot of things i have been chasing lately. My music, my band, my ex (well trying to get myself over her), my coll. Though nothing seemed to keep me happy or satisfied. There was always an empty hole inside of me. Even when i was with my gf and she was giving me all the love in the world, it was an overwhelming feeling but it still failed to keep me happy. I fail to be happy. This is my problem and this is the part of my life i wanna sort out first.

My biggest fear is to fail to achieve all the things i want to achieve in my life. But lately i've been trying to see if it all really matters. If it can keep me satisfied! I can do it if i want. I'll get my band famous, get the big house and the cool car but it feels meaningless! Meaningless when i see my ex happy and satisfied with her hopeless excuse of a band. I can have the most successful of a band (one of my dream) and end up hooked up on heroin and blowing my brains out like Kurt Cobain! Is this where my life is heading?!

So is that what i wanna be? The most successful man in the graveyard?! I've realized i've been missing out on a lot of things chasing my dreams. I ended up hating my coll, losing my gf and pissing off a lot of my friends. The gf i had been chasing and left aside my band n coll life screwed me over. I was left with no love n no band n no social life! Looking back nothing much seemed to have changed. I still find my self cycling through the same emotions. Depressed, a little strength, overloaded, remotely happy and amused, anger, fear, back to being depressed. But I wanna be happy!! I don't wanna end up in a lonely corner! I've herd all those "you can't be happy till you learn to learn to love your life" and "you're alive and breathing, be thankful of that and its enough reason to love your life". They just don't work on me! Just words. I try to be thankful but i feel i just pretend. I can't feel it for real.

I feel lost in a huge maze here. I can keep chasing my dreams they way i've always done n keep missing out on all the important things around me. Or i can just stay where i am and feel the dissatisfaction of not achieving my dreams. I've got too many dreams. I'm too ambitious. Too much for my own good i guess!!

Apologies for another incoherent thread here. But i presume this is gonna be my last one. After all this is all i need! I was going to write a lot more but it kept getting freakishly long so i had to stop!

Thanks
-Af

LegacyUser

'Good god OP, you sound like you're really wallowing in self pity. You can be guaranteed that you're not the only who feels like how you described above. Everybody has their uncertainties, but they don't make you the person you are. How you deal with them makes you the person you should be.

When you were talking about your ex's band, you referred to it as a 'hopeless excuse for a band'. That's highly arrogant, you obviously think you are better than the people around you. Maybe that's why your friends don't hang around so much, and that your girlfirend is an ex-girlfriend.

Maybe you don't want to hear all this.... true, stuff like this is hard to listen to. But if you don't realise that your attitude towards other people is putting them off, well you'll end up going through the same emotions over and over again.


The above is written based on your post so I could be way off ; ). But I've nothing else to go on'

eimearnll

is this a song which dream is the one you most want?and what do you mean this going to be your last one? im very confused by this,
you have way to much to think about its no wonder you dont know weather your coming or going.slow down.

Knockoff Nige

eimearnll wrote:

is this a song which dream is the one you most want?and what do you mean this going to be your last one? im very confused by this,
you have way to much to think about its no wonder you dont know weather your coming or going.slow down.

Couldnt be a song, it doesnt rhyme . On a side not, never heed the words of Mick Jagger. You CAN always get what you want. When you beleive you are good enough.

eimearnll

Knockoff Nige wrote:

Couldnt be a song, it doesnt rhyme . On a side not, never heed the words of Mick Jagger. You CAN always get what you want. When you beleive you are good enough.

well i hope for your sake it isnt,he is so pissed of and you just pretty much told him his song is crap

tbh

af_thefragile wrote:

i feel i've come to the last stage of this curve.
-Af

lol. Dude, how old are you? 19, 20? You havn't even started learning yet. The mistake you are making is that you think that because you've left school, you're all growed up. Trust me, life is a constant learning curve, you never get to the last stage. Actually figuring that concept out is a good sign that you are growing up. I sound so sure of what I'm talking about because I was exactly like you - that was 15 years ago. so let me tell you three things that might help:

1. The person you will be in 5 years will be as different to the person you are now, as the 15-year old you is to the 20 year old you.

2. The things that are important to you now will likely not be the things that are important to you in five, ten, twenty years time. This is both a blessing and a curse.

3. You are not in control of your own destiny, really. A great man once said "Life is what happens to you while you are busy making other plans". You can plan all you want, and then one random day you'll experience something or someone that'll make you tear up those plans and start from scratch.


You're still very young, Al. Relax, and enjoy the ride.

Knockoff Nige

eimearnll wrote:

well i hope for your sake it isnt,he is so pissed of and you just pretty much told him his song is crap

I never said it was crap, i was simply highlighting my lack of music knowledge.

af_thefragile

tbh wrote:

lol. Dude, how old are you? 19, 20? You havn't even started learning yet. The mistake you are making is that you think that because you've left school, you're all growed up. Trust me, life is a constant learning curve, you never get to the last stage. Actually figuring that concept out is a good sign that you are growing up. I sound so sure of what I'm talking about because I was exactly like you - that was 15 years ago. so let me tell you three things that might help:

1. The person you will be in 5 years will be as different to the person you are now, as the 15-year old you is to the 20 year old you.

2. The things that are important to you now will likely not be the things that are important to you in five, ten, twenty years time. This is both a blessing and a curse.

3. You are not in control of your own destiny, really. A great man once said "Life is what happens to you while you are busy making other plans". You can plan all you want, and then one random day you'll experience something or someone that'll make you tear up those plans and start from scratch.


You're still very young, Al. Relax, and enjoy the ride.

I've just turned 20 actually...
And by the last stage of my curve, i didn't mean the whole life curve, i was referring to the whole learning curve i had been going through this summer after the break up. Like this is the last stage of this summer too.
I do notice i change/learn more with every year. I try to gather all the mistakes i made over the past year, learn from them and try to not make them again.
My new coll year starts next week and i really don't wanna make the same mistakes this year as last year. I wanna be able to connect more with myself and others. Something i can't seem to be doing well.

You're still very young, Al. Relax, and enjoy the ride.

This is exactly what i wanna do. But i'm just fearful if i relax too much, i might miss out on my dreams... On the other hand if i concentrate too much on my dreams, i've found myself to be missing out on my life. I'm just trying to find the right balance here!
My dreams are equally important to me as my life is. But I need to start giving my life more preference here. Maybe dreams will follow... Maybe...


And i didn't really have any intention of writing a song... I'm just sorta a little musical and poetic by nature.
And by saying this is gonna be my last thread, i meant i wouldn't be posting any more whiny/self-pity threads after this one. This feels the most important part of my life i need to get handled first before i can go any further achieving other things like my dreams, relationship and all in my life....

Latchy

Al , you have it all ahead of you ,just dont try to do or achive to much, to soon , it very rarley works ...rome was not built in a day (nor was The LUAS ) enjoy your life ,take it as it comes.........

eimearnll

your only 20 :eek: your missing out on life worrying about life.

Knockoff Nige

In a conversation with my Dad before he made a very good point. Generally guys start seeing their lives the most clearest when they turn 32-35. Give yourself this amount of time to live your youth. Missing todays opportunities does not mean you lose any chance of success. Not winning the lottery last night does not mean you wont win it ever. Opportunities come and go. There is never 'one last shot' at anything.

How Strange

af_thefragile....This is exactly what i wanna do. But i'm just fearful if i relax too much, i might miss out on my dreams... On the other hand if i concentrate too much on my dreams, i've found myself to be missing out on my life. I'm just trying to find the right balance here!
My dreams are equally important to me as my life is. But I need to start giving my life more preference here. Maybe dreams will follow

Wow, you really need to stop taking yourself and everything all around you so seriously. You are far too intense.

Dreams or life or life or dreams or @*%&. You are putting so much unnecessary pressure on yourself. Other posters told you to relax and you say that is what you want to do. But you are doing the very opposite to relaxing.

You're starting college soon so you will be meeting new people and a whole new world will be open to you. Unshackle yourself from these notions of living your dreams or experiencing your life etc and just see what happens.

Strokesfan

OP - someone said they thought you were wallowing in self pity but I don't think that's the case - I do think you are victim to ruminative thinking - sometimes Cognitive Behavioural Therapy can help identify this and turn it around.

I know it's cliched but isn't there a saying about happiness being something to do, something to hope for and something to love?

You've got something to do in your band and something to hope for in it's success - I think the ex thing is getting you down at the moment. So I think you should continue to chase your dreams and find someone to love