Friend tryin to break up my relationship

LegacyUser

hello hello,


The situation is; ive been going out with this girl (extremely) on and off for the past year or so. Due to holidays, heavy college timetables, work etc. it never really went anywhere or got serious at all (at all). However, over the last month and a half it has been going very well indeed and things a progressing nicely.

The issue of sex has not been raised by either of us yet. Being honest i wasn pushed to bring it up as I could sense her apprehension about it. Now, one of my good friends (fake name; Anne) happens to be the girldfriends best friend, (stay with me), so she always has advice to offer etc. The other day Anne informs me that the girlfriend seems to have a leaning towards "no sex before marraige". Naturally, like any red blooded male it was quite a shock and had me down in the dumps for about a day or so. but the two of us went out that night and had a nice evening together, so i got over it and decided it wasn the end of the world, and like most things in life opinions can change, so i got over it quickly enough.

Enter friend number 2(name;Ciara). Well during my day of mourning, i was discussing the matter with one of the lads, it resulted in a heated but also hushed debate on the issue. Now Ciara, who was sitting at the next table is a bit of a Bee-Hutch when it comes to eavesdropping and the like so immediately had a problem, as she is also a friend of the girlfriends. At one point in the discussion i jokingly said "ah fcuk it, i could always break up with her and leav it" Now, i can already hear Boardsters sharpening their daggers in the wings. Understand it was meant as a throw away comment between two fellas.

Now it transpires ciara plans to tell the Gf that i'm only with her for sex. Thankfully Anne is taking my side and trying to dispell the theory. Naturally im very angry about this as the gf had to put up with similar rumours while i was on holiday.

would anyone care to comment or perhaps offer any advice?

Latchy

Giving that women generaly speaking are very sensitive about comments made in their absense ie ' ah fcuk i can always jack her in ' she will want to know first if you said it, and secondly if you ment it .When she sees that you are being honest and truthfull ,she will forgive you i am sure.

A bunch of flowers will also go some way to restoring your relationship with her... ( no i am not being flippent )

LegacyUser

And what of the other friend? who is trying to mastermind my downfall

bronte

Hmm..it appears you may have to do damage control.
she doesn't know you know about the no sex before marraige thing.
You don't want to land her friend in it (anne) because it could cause a falling out.
At the same time you need to let her know your comment was just a passing remark, and it meant nothing.

Its a tricky one op, but do try handle it as sensitively as you can,because she may not be happy that you've been talking about this behind her back.
It's a bit of a personal one
Best of luck.

SarahSassy

AngryAl wrote:

Now it transpires ciara plans to tell the Gf that i'm only with her for sex.

But you have been 'seeing' her for a year and have not pushed the issue of sex so why would she believe Ciara (esp is she knows Ciara is a bit of a stirrer) ???

Talk to her first. Tell her you are enjoying your time with her and then ask her about the sex issue. She should be telling you now anyway before you get into a formal relationship. Then once you have talked about it, you can reassure her its not an issue for you.

Dont be angry with anyone else, the words came out of your own mouth and were thoughtless and unnecessary.

Fysh

Talk to your girlfriend about it directly, and forget about the whole nonsense of tiptoeing around the issue - that's what got the second girl involved, your idea that there are some things you can't talk to the gf about.

Make some sort of arrangement so that the two of ye can be alone, but without it seeming like you're going to drop a bombshell on her. Go for a long walk or something along those lines, depending on what options you have.

Once you're out there, bring up the subject of sex. Not crudely, but in such a way that it can't be avoided. The points you need to make are:

1) You feel that things are going well between the two of you,
2) As a result of this, you'd like to clarify what both your positions are as regards sex so that there's no misunderstandings or tension between ye, and
3) If (as you suspect) she does want to wait until marriage before having sex, this won't affect the relationship the two of you have now.

After that sort of chat, you'll both know where you stand which will take most if not all the clout out of whatever the gossippy b*tch tries to tell her.

Good luck with it anyway.

Bottle_of_Smoke

Ciara: "He's only with you for sex"

Girlfriend: "We haven't had sex"

If your girlfriend's worthwhile she'll accept you were joking. Though talking about her at eavesdropping level may not be so acceptable.

If she gives you any hassle say your mate said "what would you do if a girlfriend insisted on waiting til marriage?", you replied "Ah sure, I could always just break up with her" as a joke.

Though in fairness, would you seriously wait til marriage? I know I wouldn't.

Overheal

well just be honest - it was a passing, sarcastic remark that was not meant to be overheard for re-interpretation or analysis. Saying that though, slap on you for not keeping a leash on your tongue. But yea, we all say stupid things eventually that we dont intend.

either way, you and her need to have a non-threatening sex talk. Explain to her what your intentions are, what youre willing to accept, and your thoughts on the relationship as a whole.

Chinafoot

AngryAl wrote:

And what of the other friend? who is trying to mastermind my downfall

That's a bit strong isn't it?

First of all, Ciara may be a stirrer but she may also be looking out for her friend. She may not have known it was a throw-away comment not meant to be taken seriously. Explain it to her and explain it to your girlfriend. If you make a big deal out of this you'll cause problems for your girlfriend's group of friends which could in turn cause problems for your relationship.

Second of all, the person you should have been discussing this revelation with is your girlfriend. Had you gone directly to her when Anne told you (although I have to be honest and say I find it odd that something as important to the relationship as one party's stance on sex came not from said party but from her mate), you could have avoided all this. Start talking to your girlfriend.

ircoha

OP:
Finish the script and perhaps it will form the basis for Meet the Fcukers III

karen3212

Hi Op,
As others have said, you need to talk about issues or intimacy with your girlfriend. It's nobody else's business. I'm amazed anyone would discuss their sex life with friends, make sure your girlfriend knows it was a manly macho comment. But you should tell her before her friend does. I assume you are both adults, therefore how your relationship goes is between both of you, obviously if you need help communicating then you might consider getting a mediator, or learning how to communicate with each other. Goodluck.

Beruthiel

AngryAl wrote:

would anyone care to comment or perhaps offer any advice?

My advice to you would be to suggest that you stop discussing your personal sexual life with everyone else bar the person you should actually be discussing it with. I expect that your g/f will be more than a bit annoyed if she finds out this is what you've been doing. Go talk to her.

How Strange

OP, I agree with the other posters, you should discuss this issue with your gf and only your gf.

Your personal sexual life is not a matter to be discussed down the pub with your mates over a pint whatever your initial intention may have been. If you have a problem and need to confide in a friend then do it in private.

It is possible that Ciara overheard this and was shocked to hear you discussing the intimate side of your relationship with your mates so casually.

azezil

lol, you're so not getting sex any time soon now for sure!

Mazeire

There's no point in getting snipey with Ciara. She wouldn't be sh*t stirring she would be telling the truth after all. I'd tell one of my friends if i heard one of their boyfriends saying the same thing tbh.
Talk to your girlfriend. And then talk to Ciara. Seriously, unless she's a totally obnoxious cow, it's always a good idea to keep your girlfriends friends on side. Next time look around to see who's nearby before you open your gob

Golferx

AngryAl wrote:

............................................. i was discussing the matter with one of the lads, it resulted in a heated but also hushed debate on the issue. ...............................................

would anyone care to comment or perhaps offer any advice?

My tuppence worth?

If you think so little of your girlfriend to be discussing such intimate topics, in public, with your buddies, then her friend is 100% correct in going back to tell her. Have you no respect for the girl that you would bring such a topic up in discussion, in public, with the "lads" ?

Fair play to the girl for having moral standards, whatever they are, and shame on you for breaching her confidence. There's only one person you should discuss this "problem" with, that's your girlfriend.

milkerman

Beruthiel wrote:

My advice to you would be to suggest that you stop discussing your personal sexual life with everyone else bar the person you should actually be discussing it with. I expect that your g/f will be more than a bit annoyed if she finds out this is what you've been doing. Go talk to her.

This is true. By the same token, I would be pissed off if a gf were discussing the same issue with a mutual friend - how did 'Anne' become aware of the whole no-sex thing?

jdivision

Golferx, most guys talk about everything with their male friends. Girls do it even more so. Leave the guy alone

skywalker

AngryAl wrote:

Now it transpires ciara plans to tell the Gf that i'm only with her for sex. . . . . Naturally im very angry about this as the gf had to put up with similar rumours while i was on holiday.

How can you be only with her for the sex if your still with her, and your not having sex?

Jumpy

Mazeire wrote:

There's no point in getting snipey with Ciara. She wouldn't be sh*t stirring she would be telling the truth after all. I'd tell one of my friends if i heard one of their boyfriends saying the same thing tbh.
Talk to your girlfriend. And then talk to Ciara. Seriously, unless she's a totally obnoxious cow, it's always a good idea to keep your girlfriends friends on side. Next time look around to see who's nearby before you open your gob

Then I would hardly consider yourself a friend. Sometimes keeping your mouth shut is the sign of true friendship.

Chinafoot

Jumpy wrote:

Then I would hardly consider yourself a friend. Sometimes keeping your mouth shut is the sign of true friendship.

Depends where the loyalty lies though. Ciara's loyalty lies with the OP's girlfriend, not him. Hearing your friend's boyfriend discussing their sex life in public and making comments like "ah fcuk it, i could always break up with her and leav it" would get most true friends annoyed.

The OP may have been joking but Ciara doesn't know that. She's looking out for her mate and tbh if a friend of mine overheard my boyfriend discussing our relationship in such a way I would most definitely want to be told.