why can't i forgive him

loismustdie

hi, hope you can give me some thoughts on this issue
my sister is 33 and so is her husband. they have a 3 year ol daughter. and were trying for another. in april she found out she was pregnant and were delighted. then 3 months later she lost the baby and was obvioulsy devastated and still is. then last week she finds out her husband has been having an affair since february and is still tryin to deny it even though he was slipped up so many times and is working with this woman eveyday but my sister still stays in the marraige.
but for some reason i can's accept it or forgive him. she has, so why can't i? i feel so sad for her and the thought of it makes me sick. i know she is trying to do the best for her little girl but even though it is her choice i think she's making the wrong decision i know i shoud stay out of it but i can't help how frustrating ot is and i hate him so much for doing this to her, but she doesn't hate him. i don't understand her.
please talk some sense into me, please

The Sweeper

Lois, your reaction is perfectly understandable. This is your sister. You love her. Blood is thicker than water.

Her husband has cheated on her, and you think he is a total wanker and cannot see for the life of you why your sister would stay with him. You are putting yourself in her shoes, sort of like taking the punches for her - he hurts her, he hurts you.

The difference is you don't love your sister's husband like she does. You cannot see in him what she sees, and most importantly, he is not the father of your child. You therefore do not have the capacity to forgive him that your sister has.

At the moment, your sister needs your support. You're in her corner, you're on her team, that's all fine - but this is not your fight. The same way you can't get on the pitch yourself at a football match, you must not get into your sister's marriage and intervene. It's your job to love her, support her and be there for her when she needs you and quite possibly be there when it all falls apart.

There are appropriate times for intervention - in cases of violence, abuse, cases where you believe your loved ones are in peril, cases where you think there is some dangerous imbalance in control in the relationship, be that money or freedom or whatever. As you haven't alluded to anything other than infidelity on his part, I can only assume this is not one of those times.

Marriage breakdown is a two-way thing. People who are perfectly happy in their relationships do not cheat. Her husbands cheating could be a reaction to the pressures of trying to conceive and then the loss of the pregnancy - you have no idea, you're not married to him. Perhaps the notion of a second child made him feel trapped? Maybe he panicked and made a wrong decision? You don't know - you can't know, and if your sister is willing to put time and effort into a reconciliation in her relationship, it will not help if you try to influence her decisions.

Hate him in your own time, button it in front of your sister. She doesn't need a war on two fronts.

Carrigart Exile

loismustdie wrote:

then last week she finds out her husband has been having an affair since february and is still tryin to deny it even though he was slipped up so many times and is working with this woman eveyday but my sister still stays in the marraige.

Its a very difficult emotional time for your sister; are you sure she has caught him cheating or is she just imagining it. Just a thought, but this guy has also lost his child, he now has his wife making perhaps unfounded allegations against him and you declaring your hatred of him. I hope you are correct on your assumptions.

Miss Fluff

Minesajackdaniels wrote:

Marriage breakdown is a two-way thing. People who are perfectly happy in their relationships do not cheat. Her husbands cheating could be a reaction to the pressures of trying to conceive and then the loss of the pregnancy - you have no idea, you're not married to him. Perhaps the notion of a second child made him feel trapped? Maybe he panicked and made a wrong decision? You don't know - you can't know, and if your sister is willing to put time and effort into a reconciliation in her relationship, it will not help if you try to influence her decisions.

So so true, you will never 100% have both sides to this particular story. There could be many reasons why he strayed and if she is willing to forgive and forget you have to been seen to support her. I can understand why you'd like to take a torch to his car and a scissors to his nethers but you'll have to contain these thoughts and support your sister in her decision.

karen3212

Hi Op,
sorry to hear about your sister and her husbands tradgedy.

I think adults should be left to work out problems in their own relationships. I understand why you are angry with her other half, but, from my own experience, I feel that as an adult you have to trust that your sister will be able to make the best decisions for herself and her family. They are a new family now, and you shouldn't really be getting between a husband and wife. I know it is very difficult but she won't thank you for influencing her decisions.

Try to trust your sister, and your fears about her ability to do the best for herself may dissipate. As another poster said, be there for her, let her know that she can lean on you if she needs to, beyond that i don't think it is healthy for brothers and sisters to be getting too involved in each others relationships, no matter how bad you think they are for each other. If she knows she can count on you, she will have someone to go to if she decides to leave him.
I hope they work out their futures, and with a child between them, I hope they can do it without having to hate each other first. Take care

Beruthiel

Minesajackdaniels wrote:

Hate him in your own time, button it in front of your sister. She doesn't need a war on two fronts.

lois
Everything majd said is spot on, especially the above.
Two of my sisters made poor choices imo - one sis stayed with a total bastid for 10 years, he treated her like crap, never got off his ass and worked and she basically ran that home and worked full time and kept food on the table for them and their two daughters. Her choice and none of our business, but when she finally left him you have no idea how happy the whole family was.
Second sis is married to a total pr!ck, again none of our business. These men are our sisters choices, they picked these men and stay with them for whatever reasons. All you can do is love your sis, be there for her and keep your opinions to yourself. Not easy, but at the end of the day, this is her life and her choice.

loismustdie

thanks everyone for taking the time to help me. believe it or not you are saying exactly what i'd be saying if i was goving advice but as you can imagine it's easier said than done. yeah i;m sure it's true by the way i would never just imagine it as they have been together since i was a kid so i think of him as my actual brother. the other woman's husband found out 6 weeks ago and told them to stop but they didn't so he told my sis. ya see he bought her a mobile phone so they could have secfret phones to txt a few weeks ago but he is still swearing to my sis it was just one kiss months and months ago.
i will try to forget but i don't think i can ever trust her like him again, i feel he has ruined our family but hopefully not my sister;s life or confidence. thanks again

stcatherine

Minesajackdaniels wrote:

Lois, your reaction is perfectly understandable. This is your sister. You love her. Blood is thicker than water.

Her husband has cheated on her, and you think he is a total wanker and cannot see for the life of you why your sister would stay with him. You are putting yourself in her shoes, sort of like taking the punches for her - he hurts her, he hurts you.

The difference is you don't love your sister's husband like she does. You cannot see in him what she sees, and most importantly, he is not the father of your child. You therefore do not have the capacity to forgive him that your sister has.

At the moment, your sister needs your support. You're in her corner, you're on her team, that's all fine - but this is not your fight. The same way you can't get on the pitch yourself at a football match, you must not get into your sister's marriage and intervene. It's your job to love her, support her and be there for her when she needs you and quite possibly be there when it all falls apart.

There are appropriate times for intervention - in cases of violence, abuse, cases where you believe your loved ones are in peril, cases where you think there is some dangerous imbalance in control in the relationship, be that money or freedom or whatever. As you haven't alluded to anything other than infidelity on his part, I can only assume this is not one of those times.

Marriage breakdown is a two-way thing. People who are perfectly happy in their relationships do not cheat. Her husbands cheating could be a reaction to the pressures of trying to conceive and then the loss of the pregnancy - you have no idea, you're not married to him. Perhaps the notion of a second child made him feel trapped? Maybe he panicked and made a wrong decision? You don't know - you can't know, and if your sister is willing to put time and effort into a reconciliation in her relationship, it will not help if you try to influence her decisions.

Hate him in your own time, button it in front of your sister. She doesn't need a war on two fronts.

You took the words right out of my mouth !