Confidence shot...

LegacyUser

Hey,

I'm a 23 year old guy, 5 months out of my last relationship, which was my first, serious long term thing. She was also the first person I had sex with. Anyway she broke it off and while she was as considerate as possible doing it, it was still a kick in the balls.

Anyway, one of the things she said to me was that I'm "too nice" for my own good. She has since tried to take it back but the fact is that, while we're still friends and all, she has totally shot my confidence. I'm ready to put myself out there again (I've been with a couple of girls in clubs, nothing serious) but now there's a girl who I'd actually like to ask out.

My problem is thus
1) I'm thinking of being "grown up" about it and asking her out to dinner rather than chancing my arm in a club.

2) That alone makes me think I'm "too nice" that I'm being so formal about it.

3) I know you don't win the lotto if you don't buy a ticket but I'm finding it really hard to sum up the courage to do it.

Beruthiel

2nice wrote:

Anyway, one of the things she said to me was that I'm "too nice" for my own good.

Oh please :rolleyes:
Sorry, I'm not buying that. What age is this girl?
There's nothing wrong with being nice, I don't believe for one second there is such a thing as 'too nice' - all you need to to is find someone who actually appreciates you for those qualities.

I'm thinking of being "grown up" about it and asking her out to dinner rather than chancing my arm in a club.

Then do it - nothing ventured, nothing gained.

LegacyUser

She's 21. Basically she said that I made her feel like the "bad guy" in the relationship, which I never really understood, it's not like I tried to guilt trip her or anything.

I don't want it to come across like that was the sole reason we broke up, she said the spark was gone for her. It wasn't a "bad" break up per se, though I was pretty upset at the time. We stay in touch every now and again. As I said, it's just that parting shot has undermined me a bit.

Gordon

2nice wrote:

1) I'm thinking of being "grown up" about it and asking her out to dinner rather than chancing my arm in a club.

Nice, go for it.

2) That alone makes me think I'm "too nice" that I'm being so formal about it.

Being too nice is paying for the dinner, taxi ride, phone credit to call a cab back, cutting up her steak into little morsels for her, walking her to the toilet when she needs to go, getting the local violin/guiter trio to play a song every five minutes etc etc. OK, maybe that's not just uber nice but uber weird.. Inviting a woman out to dinner is not too nice, it's normal. And can be romantic, cool, nice or slutty depending on where and how you do it.

3) I know you don't win the lotto if you don't buy a ticket but I'm finding it really hard to sum up the courage to do it.

Do you want to do it? If so then what have you got to lose?

LegacyUser

I suppose it's stupid pride. She knows alot of my friends and so on. I know it's irrational but the fact that as someone who was with me for so long, who knew me better than I've ever let anyone know me m ex's opinion holds alot of weight with me. She was being nice to me when we broke up, I suppose if she'd have been a bitch to me I could have written it off

Spider_Baby

If you are totally over your ex then go ahead and ask this other girl out.
I personally would be chuffed if a guy suggested dinner as a first date. I'd be crapping myself too with nerves, but chuffed! I also wouldnt think "uh-oh, this guy must be too nice if he's asking me out for dinner". No sir-y! She'll be super flattered and chuffed and hopefully say yes
Go for it

SarahSassy

I think its a lovely idea to ask her out for dinner. It doesnt have to be fancy schmancy, the local italian would be nice. If she is not interested, dont let her put you off and dont let your ex turn you into a bastard (too nice is BS to be honest).

TBH, your ex was not 'being nice' by telling you that, she was being patronising and NOT nice.

I like nice men, with manners and who make an effort, as most girls do... Good luck.

Dragan

Personally i think you should join me on my crusade to bring back the "gentleman" OP.

Now then, this might sound a bit silly but bear with me. At the end of the day, the majority of relationships break down due to characteristic/personality clashes. One person finds something about the other person to be annoying/upsetting to the point where they need to leave them.

If your a violent person who smacks someone.....thats a reason for someone to leave you.

If your a "nice guy", thats kind of not.

Anyway, my point is, there is nothing wrong with being a nice guy dude, someone has to be. Don't go looking to change yourself because of a failed relationship and the words of your ex.

Have faith in yourself, ask this lass out for dinner, do it with a smile on your face and see what you get for the risk.

Slow Motion

I've gotten that too nice bull**** before too OP and it is bull**** ! Don't let it bother you and invite this girl to dinner. This treat em mean and keep em keen, mentality is juvenile in the extreme and doesn't work in the long run. Go for it and if it doesn't work out, move on and try again. Don't stop being "nice", trust me when I say this but us nice guys have the last laugh !

Dragan

Slow Motion wrote:

trust me when I say this but us nice guys have the last laugh !

Absolute Truth!

OP, have some faith in yourself bro....relationships sometimes change or end when we don't want them to. It doesn't meant here is anything wrong with you! If it did i'd never be able to leave my house!!

How Strange

OP, as a girl I would say that the only girls who don't want 'nice' guys are the ones who don't want to be in relationships. They want to have their head and heart f*cked over by a b*st*rd. And yes I speak from previous experience.

There is nothing wrong with being a nice guy. You are a rare breed so enjoy! We girls are always moaning that there aren't enough of you around.

Definitely ask the girl out to dinner. Dates in Ireland are so boring and they usually involve a few pints somewhere. I'm sure she will be flattered to be asked to go for dinner. Go somewhere neutral and easy going so you don't feel uptight and you can relax.

Good luck!

Talliesin

2nice wrote:

Basically she said that I made her feel like the "bad guy" in the relationship, which I never really understood

It's not that hard to understand. She was dumping you, and therefore wanted to find something she could point to and say "don't know why I even stayed with that bastard so long" rather than feel guilty. She's annoyed you failed to deliver in this regard.

Gekko

OP in my experience, some women have issues meaning they don't think they deserve to be with "nice" guys.

She might mean you're a bit of a pushover in that if she asks you to do something or makes a suggestion then you do it instead of taking the lead.

Maybe she meant she felt that she did all the taking while you did all the giving. And maybe she was used to someone being a bit more dominant.

I wouldn't beat yourself up about it, but maybe learn from it and ask this new girl out for dinner.

That's my two cents anyhow. Sorry if it doesn't help.

vorbis

I think that your ex was hinting that you were a bit of a pushover rather than "too nice". I would be considered a nice guy (gf says so anyway!) but I wouldn't let my gf have everything my own way. Did you stand up to your ex in situations where ye wanted to do different things? For example, you want to see an action move she wants latest teen comedy. Whose decision was it usually?

The key is to be nice but not a walkover.

LegacyUser

Exactly Vorbis!

You can't be a walkover. Afterall, who respects one of those?

Be nice sure...but don't do everything she says!

bostonian

1. Nice guys have no business dating club girls. They aren't your target demographic.

2. Dinner on the first date is a TERRIBLE idea. Do something more active, so you never have awkward silence.

LegacyUser

'your Ex just wanted out of the relationship for no specific reason, ie it was nothing to do with you per se, she was just wanting to move onto something else - I don't mean that to sound like you were boring or anything, it's not a reflection on you or your personality, it's just that some girls prefer a bit of a thrill/short term flings and dump a perfectly good/handsome/sexy/funny guy after a few months to pursue the next thrill and go out on the pull again, and when you didn't give her a reason to dump you (you didn't go nuts and explode in rage so she could go off and say well he was nuts, I had to dump him) the best reasons he could come up with was "you're too nice".

Pathetic excuse IMO, along the lines of "it's not you, it's me" and a total cliche too, so please don't dwell on her parting shot as it was just something she could say to make herself feel better at dumping you, and nothing to do with you being "too nice". As some other posters have said, some girls just seem to want the drama of a volatile relationship and if everything is going well and they've nothing to build a big scene out of to talk about with their mates, they start to get itchy feet. Their loss really at the end of the day!

Onwards and upwards for you my man, ask this girl out for dinner, she'll be flattered at the guesture rather than a "fancy a pint in the local". just remember that your ex's parting shot should not weigh on your mind, a guy can never be too nice, it's just a line she trotted out to absolve herself, as she probably felt guilty at being the one to break it up.'

Sephiroth_dude

Spider_Baby wrote:

If you are totally over your ex then go ahead and ask this other girl out.
I personally would be chuffed if a guy suggested dinner as a first date. I'd be crapping myself too with nerves, but chuffed! I also wouldnt think "uh-oh, this guy must be too nice if he's asking me out for dinner". No sir-y! She'll be super flattered and chuffed and hopefully say yes
Go for it

were you super flattered so when I asked you out to dinner :P ?


go for it,you got nothing to lose sure

fletch

To be honest, she told you were too nice because, for whatever reason she just didn't fancy you anymore and was searching for some reason to dump you but couldn't and was infuriated that you just didn't put a step out of line. You weren't being too nice, you were just being yourself.

davyjose

fletch wrote:

To be honest, she told you were too nice because, for whatever reason she just didn't fancy you anymore and was searching for some reason to dump you but couldn't and was infuriated that you just didn't put a step out of line. You weren't being too nice, you were just being yourself.

Bingo!!!
"Too nice" is a bullsh!t excuse. To be honest I think women say **** like that because Charlene (???) said it on Sex and the City and it sounds cool. What she's really saying is "I'm too shallow and immature to deal with a grown up relationship, so in order to get out of this relationship with my face clean, I'm going to say something seemingly enigmatic, that puts into question your personality, and allows me to steal your dignity, because I haven't got any of my own."
Ask the girl out. Do what you want to do as a date (ask yourself if that means a dinner date), that way you're not being "too nice" for a start. And go out and enjoy yourself. If she declines your kind offer, accept it and move on. Sure, your mates might slag you, but so what: it's only banter, and it happens everyone. They know that, and you know it. But your mates shouldn't be a reason for not living your life.

Splendour

Slow Motion wrote:

I've gotten that too nice bull**** before too OP and it is bull**** ! Don't let it bother you and invite this girl to dinner. This treat em mean and keep em keen, mentality is juvenile in the extreme and doesn't work in the long run. Go for it and if it doesn't work out, move on and try again. Don't stop being "nice", trust me when I say this but us nice guys have the last laugh !

I second this!
Op, you need to get your hands on a copy of Pride & Prejudice or you could read the '20th century version' which is 'Brigid Jones Diary'. Of course both available on DVD, which though not as stimulating, will save you alot of time :rolleyes:

seraphimvc

OP,i had a very similiar situation like you (i broke up with mine 1 months ago,had been together for half year).:p i really dont talk about it for the rest of my life as i felt really dirty and disgrace,but,meh,i decided to move on,**** did happen,ye know:D she is not worthy enough to make me sad for another tomorrow!:D

i suggest you might need to find out 'is there another HE around'.

we have been nice since broke up but things turned really ugly when i discovered that she has been seeing another guy about 2 weeks ago.(and have special relationship,u know what i mean,happened to be 3 weeks before we broke up) .She lied and cheated to me all the time,and think of that i had been trying to save the relationship very HARD,and i finally found out tat guy behind this(through her text in her phone).that guy knew me from the start!:rolleyes:

meh,**** happened.i believe that i will grow up from this:p gladly it's not a real long-term relationship:)

so,is she worthy enough to make you down for another day?you decide:D

good luck!

ptashka

bostonian wrote:

1. Nice guys have no business dating club girls. They aren't your target demographic.

2. Dinner on the first date is a TERRIBLE idea. Do something more active, so you never have awkward silence.

1) AGREE: You don't generally meet dating/relationship material in the night club, simply because of lowered perception due to booze/loud music/too many scantily clad talents

2) DISAGREE: dinner is a great idea, provided you keep it simple, as in no deep philosophical conversations, no ex talk, plenty of jokes and acting confidently( not cocky or arrogant though!!!)