Friends with exs

LegacyUser

Do you think people can be just friends with previous partners?

I am of the opinion once you have had a relationship with someone that its not really possible to be just friends as there is always going to be the undercurrent of previous physical/emotional attraction there.

The main reason I'm asking is that my girlfriend is friends with a few of exs and by friends I mean email and occasional phone contact. I feel a bit uncomfortable with it but don't want to come across as some kind of control freak. I mean i think its great having no animosity and be on good terms with previous partners but theres a difference between that and maintaining contact with them.

cheers

meglome

Personally I have no problem with it, I'm very much friends with some of my exes. Once everyone is aware it's over then why not.

Mazeire

wondering wrote:

Do you think people can be just friends with previous partners?

I am of the opinion once you have had a relationship with someone that its not really possible to be just friends as there is always going to be the undercurrent of previous physical/emotional attraction there.

The main reason I'm asking is that my girlfriend is friends with a few of exs and by friends I mean email and occasional phone contact. I feel a bit uncomfortable with it but don't want to come across as some kind of control freak. I mean i think its great having no animosity and be on good terms with previous partners but theres a difference between that and maintaining contact with them.

cheers

Hiya,

It depends on the relationship. If it was a short thing like a 2 month fling then yeah i think it could be possible to be friends with them but if it was a long term relationship then no as i think that you have shared too much have too many "firsts" together for it ever to be relaxed enough just to go for coffee or whatever without there being feelings on someones part. In my experience, anyone that i know who has tried to be friends with an ex they were in a long term relationship with has ended up in the sack with them after a night out on the old vino collapso and things have gotten VERY messy.

How Strange

wondering... my girlfriend is friends with a few of exs and by friends I mean email and occasional phone contact. I feel a bit uncomfortable with it but don't want to come across as some kind of control freak.

OP, unfortunately it is something you will have to grin and bear. As you said, they are in email and phone contact so its not as though they head off on a night out reminiscing about old times over a bottle of wine.

My bf is friends with his exes. When he told me I was a little taken aback but as I see it thats my problem. I trust him 100% and I only felt funny because I realised he has a part of his life that is separate from me. But I would never issue an ultimatum unless they were going out getting drunk together or something. Thats a different scenario altogether.

Aura

Plenty of people are and to be honest I think it shows maturity on both sides. But as mentioned both have to be at the stage where they want to move on completely for this to work. I wouldn't worry unduly in your case particularly if she's friendly with a few of her ex's. Just shows she values the people in her life, past or present, highly. Not a bad thing in my eyes!

randomname2005

It depends on the people involved. Me personally, not really. If I see them I'll chat to them but would not be ringing up or meeting for coffee. Does it bother me that my girlfriend has contact with some of her ex-es, no, not at all.

Wibbs

Mazeire wrote:

It depends on the relationship. If it was a short thing like a 2 month fling then yeah i think it could be possible to be friends with them but if it was a long term relationship then no as i think that you have shared too much have too many "firsts" together for it ever to be relaxed enough just to go for coffee or whatever without there being feelings on someones part. In my experience, anyone that i know who has tried to be friends with an ex they were in a long term relationship with has ended up in the sack with them after a night out on the old vino collapso and things have gotten VERY messy.

I would agree with this, there is a world of difference between a fling and a serious longtermer. With the latter, what broke them up may have gotten resolved in the time apart and if there's a bit of a lull in the new relationship, then the ex may start to look very attractive again if they're still in contact. If the new relationship started up straight after the old then that's a minus point. Basically because regardless of who did the dumping the person jumping into the new relationship may not have truly left the old relationship and often uses the new one to block out aspects of the old, or feels the grass is greener. A lot of the time its not and that's how rebounds happen. If the recent serious ex is still in their life and is the only ex still in their life then that's a minus point. If they're seeing each other or communicating regularly then that's another one(anything like once or more a week would be a worry). If you have one or more of those happening then there is still a connection between the two. Now it can be just a mature friendship, but I would be a little concerned of it being more as I've had it happen to me in the past and I can think of two others that it's happened to as well. Went out with a woman not long out of a 4 year relationship(didn't know at the time). She was still in contact with him(only once twice a month, that I knew of) and nearly a year in she went back to him out of the blue. In that case what had split them up was his long working hours and a few other issues. It turns out he changed jobs and cleaned up his act and she went back to him. AFAIK they're still together. Another time was with an ex that dumped me. Kept in light contact after the initial split and a good while later met her one night. One thing led to another and afterwards she tells me she's still with the guy she left me for and how it wasn't working out(beforehand she had said she was single:rolleyes: ). Sticky one I must say. Needless to add I haven't seen her since.

In the end you can't make a one size fits all template, but I think if the contact is uncomfortably often and is just with one ex(except where there are kids involved, in which case contact is required), then I would be concerned.

In the OP's case I think you're well alright as she appears to have more than one ex she's in contact with and the contact is light and friendly. That's actually a good thing I would say in someone.

wondering

wondering wrote:

Do you think people can be just friends with previous partners?

I am of the opinion once you have had a relationship with someone that its not really possible to be just friends as there is always going to be the undercurrent of previous physical/emotional attraction there.

The main reason I'm asking is that my girlfriend is friends with a few of exs and by friends I mean email and occasional phone contact. I feel a bit uncomfortable with it but don't want to come across as some kind of control freak. I mean i think its great having no animosity and be on good terms with previous partners but theres a difference between that and maintaining contact with them.

cheers

I'm friends with a couple of mine. Friends only. There's no undercurrent of any attraction.
You'll just have to deal with it, tbh.

Melion

I am friends with my one serious ex-girlfriend. We were together for 2 years and lived together. We agreed to stay friends, it was hard at the start and we had some serious fights. We did stop talking for nearly a month, it was just what i needed. We are now good friends again, go out for dinner every now and again. Its a weird situation and my mates cant understand it, my new girlfriend is only coming around to the idea now too.

LegacyUser

Thanks for the replies,

I would usually wouldn't mind but found out at the weekend that she had spent a night with her ex (first bf went out for 4 years) after having a fight with another bf (subsequent relationship lasted 2 years), to be honest I this indicated to me that they still have something(by that I mean more than friends mightn't be acting on it but still there) between them. We are seeing each other for the last 6 months things going really well other than this. Part of me is saying don't worry about stop being such an controlling/overbearing/insecure git the other part of me is being overbearing/insecure git.

Manic Moran

I'm still on good terms and contact with my ex whom I dated for some five years. No problems.

Another ex, dated for one year, is of a different viewpoint and when she found out I was still in contact with the previous lass, she was not happy to put it mildly. She absolutely cut off all communication and evidence of my existance after we went our separate ways. Fair enough, if that's the way she wants to work it, so be it.

If you have an issue with trusting your better half, it's not going to be confined solely to her exes, so you'd better start figuring out where you are with her and trusting her with other men in general.

NTM

Clare Bear

Some people can, some can't. I for one can't....maybe a long, long time down the road. If your girlfriend doesn't have a problem with it you shouldn't OP, you have no other choice really, you can't tell her who she can and can't be friends with.

Crumble Froo

I think it's ok, as long as there's no will to get back together. i broke up amicably with an ex of mine, and within a year, i couldnt think of them as anything more than a friend at all.

_Kaiser_

It depends on the circumstances of the break-up and how serious things were between you I think. It also seems to be something girls want more so in my experience.

In any case, I don't think it can happen immediately. You both need some space to get over things, and move on, and then - maybe - you can re-establish some level of friendship.

CathyMoran

In most cases it is fine to be friends with ex's - I am still email friends with both my first boyfriend and my first love. It is not OK however if the relationship was very recent. I was friends with my now husband when I was in another relationship, while it did not contribute to the break up I did end up with him in the end!

muboop1

im realy close to my ex...now i know she likes me as shes admitted it to me...at various times she has told me she cudnt be around me as its "to hard"
but yeh i still think shes hott...but dats it... but i think that of loads of ppl... means nothing do! im in love with my gf...nothing will change that! nothing could change that! that ex loves my is more an inconvienence...
but whatever...

Talliesin

wondering wrote:

I am of the opinion once you have had a relationship with someone that its not really possible to be just friends as there is always going to be the undercurrent of previous physical/emotional attraction there.

It's not a matter of opinion. It's a matter of the simple fact that some people do so.

Wibbs

CathyMoran wrote:

In most cases it is fine to be friends with ex's - I am still email friends with both my first boyfriend and my first love. It is not OK however if the relationship was very recent. I was friends with my now husband when I was in another relationship, while it did not contribute to the break up I did end up with him in the end!

You see Cathymoran gives my earlier example weight. Well she did all right in the end so....

muboop1 wrote:

im realy close to my ex...now i know she likes me as shes admitted it to me...at various times she has told me she cudnt be around me as its "to hard"
but yeh i still think shes hott...but dats it... but i think that of loads of ppl... means nothing do! im in love with my gf...nothing will change that! nothing could change that! that ex loves my is more an inconvienence...
but whatever...

Well then may I respectfully suggest that you ease the ex out of your life for her sake if you care for her as much as you claim. All you're doing now is getting a nice little ego boost from her attention. grow a pair and let her go. FYI txtspeak makes the baby Jesus cry.

Wibbs

wondering wrote:

I would usually wouldn't mind but found out at the weekend that she had spent a night with her ex (first bf went out for 4 years) after having a fight with another bf (subsequent relationship lasted 2 years), to be honest I this indicated to me that they still have something(by that I mean more than friends mightn't be acting on it but still there) between them. We are seeing each other for the last 6 months things going really well other than this. Part of me is saying don't worry about stop being such an controlling/overbearing/insecure git the other part of me is being overbearing/insecure git.

OK yes, past actions can and do inform future actions but that's an indication not a rule, as people change. The ex of 4 years would be the biggest "threat" if you want to look at it like that. If she's in very regular contact with him again I would note it, but in the end of the day, you can do nothing about how she feels. All you can do is act on how you feel and how you treat and feel about her.

Mazeire

muboop1 wrote:

that ex loves my is more an inconvienence...
but whatever...

Where i come from, "My" is old lady speak for poo most often baby poo, as in "the childs nappy was full of my".
I really need to go to bed.....:p

SarahSassy

It's definitely possible. I had 2 long term relationships - both 2 years each and am still friends with both. One has since gotten married and from time to time I meet him and his wife... The other guy is still single and I have often slept in the same bed as him with no 'romance' involved. These relationships would have been the most intense of all my relationships and I think the friendship has lasted even though the romance / chemistry has gone.

You should be in a relationship with your best friend (ie your parter should be your best friend) and as long as there is no intentional hurt caused by either party, it makes sense that the friendship lasts after the relationship ends....

I think its a positive side to her personality that she is still friends with her ex's. She obviously treated them well and they still have respect for her - its all good. Dont worry, relax about it and who knows you might even get on well with them if you meet them.

Reku

Of course you can remain friends with ex's and be completely loyal to your current partner. One way to look at it is she has regular contact with them so at least she probably also gets regular reminders as to why it did not work out between them, whereas otherwise she might get a bit too nostalgic on the subject as people often do with old relationships.
As Manic Moran has already pointed:
I think the real question you need to ask is why you don't entirely trust your girlfriend and how can you deal with this trust problem?

biko

Yes, I am friends with several exes
It can be done

oconnoao

I don't think it's always possible, but it's nice to be able to keep in contact with exs, once there's no sexual tension, from either party. My boyfriend and I see his ex regularly, she's in his group of friends, and we always got on very well until she tried to kiss him a recently when drunk. I didn't mind too much when he told me, but he was totally disgusted with her!

It depends. I went out with a girl for 3 years and we barely talk anymore. We didnt end on the best of circumstances and we are very very different people so that was not suprising to my friends. I went out with another girl, a lot less serious but went out for 6 months and I still get on great with her so I dunno. I guess it depends.