Breaking up sucks

Selphie

After a year and a half, trillions of fights and too many times trying to "forget about it and start over," I have decided to break up with my boyfriend. I thought he wanted the same thing, in fact he did too.
But now three days later, he's on a total turn-around. He keeps telling me he's come to his senses, knows what he's done wrong and will do anything, ANYTHING, to stop this. I can't bear listening to him being so horribly sad and hurting him more. I feel so guilty for initiating this, even though I know its what i want and that its for the best.
He keeps begging me to just be on a break, but thats all been done before, and I know it wouldnt work. This whole thing frankly sucks.
I know being broken up with must be the hardest thing in the world, but I certainly didnt expect to feel this bad myself.

livinginkorea

It's natural to feel bad and totally understandable that you want to break up. If he has said that he changed but he never has then forget about it. You will be stronger than before once you forget about him.

It just takes time and it's best to ignore him. Giving him the cold shoulder will help him a lot more than answering his calls and giving him some hope that you could get back together. Once you have explained to him why you are breaking up and given him his stuff back (and got yours) then don't answer his emails and phone calls for a while.

Best of luck,

-Lik

The Mad Hatter

It's tough, but try to make it a clean break. I've never seen couples 'on a break' end up anything other than seriously messed up. Besides, it doesn't sound like you had the best time of it in the relationship anyhow.

I think the best way to get through it is through absolute zero contact for a few weeks.

Don't feel bad about what you did - it's quite natural to feel that way, but you'll both be better off for it in the future.

Wibbs

Zero contact is the way to go and I mean zero. No texts/emails/calls/carrier pigeon. Nothing. It sounds selfish but it's the fastest way for him to heal and for you to heal. You need distance now for both. He may guilt trip you into coming back and that's no basis for a relationship(though the basis of quite a few out there). As for him changing? Contrary to popular belief, people can and do change, sometimes quite radically, but only if they want to and work at it and doing it out of fear of loss like your ex rarely if ever works. It also depends on what changes are needed. If it's a basic block of his personality then that's so unlikely as to be not worth worrying about.

BTW "on a break" = breaking up. Even if two people get back together down the line as can happen, the original relationship was broken and a completely new one has to start for any hope of success.

JCDUB

Been there, both the breaker-up and more recently the broken-up-with.
I know it seems very difficult but you really are better off ending all contact, no emails, texts or calls.
I still have contact with my ex but only because we have a place to sell, as soon as that's wrapped up there will be no more contact, I was hurting for a while but it was the right thing to do for both of us.
We both realise that but it's still difficult at times.

The sooner you cut all contact the sooner he will get over it, I know it's harsh but it's the way to go.

Best of luck either way.

ian_m

you either work at a relationship or you work at ending it. when its over its over. take a big think about what you are doing and if you cannot imagine spending the rest of your life with that person then it just has to end, for the sake of both party's.

him begging you wont help his cause and you can feel that. you should tell him that too.

it will take one final sit down by yourself and one final sit down together if it is to be the case that you don't want to be together in a relationship. say what you have to say. make it very clear what you want in the conversation and then end contact. dont put any time limit on it. make it clear to you and to him that it is over.

unless of course you sit down and think you have made a mistake and you do want to be together. that would take work and commitment.

if you are going to ask him for more time, make a time limit and stick to it. dont leave him hanging on.

telling others about our relationship problems instead of telling each other can help. but communicating together to make a better persons of each other should be a priority. i personally think people don't work hard enough at their relationships. we live in a throw away world. i think some of us feel the same way about our partners. some of us.

every relationship is as unique as the two people in it so it can be hard to make any judgments. i wish you the best of luck. things always work out either way...

koneko

Yeah I agree with the zero contact thing, it gives you both time to get over it and move on, otherwise he'll just try to get back together with you, it'll be an open wound. The way you feel is normal, it's hard not to feel guilty, but in the end if you don't want to stay together it's for the best and you'll both move on in time.

How Strange

OP, I also agree with zero contact. It's very hard at the beginning but you heal and recover much quicker. Everyone has a story about a friend of a friend who is best friends with his/her ex. That maybe but there for every one of those there are a thousand who are tormenting themselves because they are still in contac with exes.

ron_darrell

My gf of 4 years just broke up with me last Sat. I'm totally crushed and all I can think to do is call her and ask her why and could we not give it another chance. We've been under a lot of pressure the last few months because of my work and a few other things but to be honest I didn't see this coming. Because I didn't I can't work out what I did wrong and how things have turned around so much. This is why I keep contacting her. She says that she has changed and she just needs to be on her own at this time in her life. Am I being stupid thinking that that means maybe in the future we can get back together? I know I sound like a pathetic, freak but I just love her so much.

ian_m

ron_darrell wrote:

My gf of 4 years just broke up with me last Sat. I'm totally crushed and all I can think to do is call her and ask her why and could we not give it another chance. We've been under a lot of pressure the last few months because of my work and a few other things but to be honest I didn't see this coming. Because I didn't I can't work out what I did wrong and how things have turned around so much. This is why I keep contacting her. She says that she has changed and she just needs to be on her own at this time in her life. Am I being stupid thinking that that means maybe in the future we can get back together? I know I sound like a pathetic, freak but I just love her so much.

dont contact her mate. just let her be. its a total pain in the ass dealing with it. how something not physical could hurt so much. you have to be strong and get on with it. leave her be, if she wants to talk to you she will. time to make your own plans. keep busy and get out with your mates. **** happens but things work out.

Mazeire

Yeah i was dumped 3 months ago after 7 years. No contact is the way to go. It will get easier. Or so i'm told....

Aura

Quite literally feels like a bloody bereavement at times and like someone got your cards mixed up. Going through it too, three long months on I may add!! and we're to have no further contact now at his behest. Best thing for us without a doubt but jesus it's so hard not to wonder how they doing when you care that much about someone and have done for so long. The heart is most definitely the strongest muscle and drags you everywhich way!!

Mazeire

You know i think we just have to ride it out. Seriously. I met a friend of mine today and he was dumped by his girlfriend of eight years just over a year ago and he has just bought his own place and is seeing someone else. He looked amazing...really happy. So i reckon we will all get there we just have to ride the crappy bit out first.

Aura

Hear, hear! Loads I've planned to do now and looking forward to it. It'll be nice too I suppose in time ( I hope) to feel out there again.

ron_darrell

Look I know what ye're all saying but, she says she wants space and doesn't want to be with anyone else ok. So I'm just lost guys. I just want to contact her so that she knows I'm here for when she gets over this and doesn't want to be on her own. We were happy for 4 years, how does a person just change over the course of a week? If I don't contact, then ya she gets her space but she also will forget about me and then I've lost her forever. And I know, she broke up with me so she's gone anyways but I just miss her so much. My mates are all dispersed since college, have their own lives. I just don't know what to do. We had been making plans, house, kids, jobs, and now this. I'm totally gutted. I just don't want anyone else you know.

Wibbs

ron_darrell wrote:

Look I know what ye're all saying but, she says she wants space and doesn't want to be with anyone else ok.

So give her that space.

So I'm just lost guys.

and you're panicking. Natural reaction, but doing anything while in this state of mind is unlikely to help and will make things worse.

I just want to contact her so that she knows I'm here for when she gets over this and doesn't want to be on her own.

Presumably you've already done the begging and teling her you love her? Well ok then she knows that. Telling her again will just drive her further away. Fact.

We were happy for 4 years, how does a person just change over the course of a week?

The answer is they don't. Something changed in your exes mind about you. She wasn't happy and that's why she left. Just because you didn't see it, doesn't mean it wasn't there. You need to examine carefully what went wrong on both sides. Usually taking the other for granted is a big one. Not thinking more about a shared future for you both is a common reason for women to leave men(though I see you were talking about that). It's possible she's met someone else that sparks her interest more. If you hear she's going with someone else in the next month, then that's the most likely.

If I don't contact, then ya she gets her space but she also will forget about me and then I've lost her forever.

No she won't forget about you. She can't switch of her feelings any more than you can. Even though I guarantee she made the decision in her head to move on long before the actual break occurred. The more space you give her the more she'll remember you. Every time you contact her you're just reinforcing her decision to leave you.

And I know, she broke up with me so she's gone anyways but I just miss her so much.

Exactly she's gone. You're relationship was broken. You may start a new relationship with her down the line, but accept the old one is gone.

My mates are all dispersed since college, have their own lives.

A good lesson to learn is not to isolate yourself and rely on a relationship to be your social life. Ring them up out of the blue and see what happens. You might be surprised. Get new mates. There's billions of people in the world, I'm sure you can find a few to hang out with.

We had been making plans, house, kids, jobs, and now this.

Were they concrete plans or all talk?

I just don't want anyone else you know.

The only way you are going to get her back and more importantly yourself back is to take time and space apart. You have a better chance of getting her back or finding someone better(and there's always someone better) if you get yourself back. Leave her be. Let her contact you. It may take a while but I'll put money down she will. When she does, do not start talking about the old relationship. Try to create a fun new one. If you sound needy and whiny she'll walk away. Do not accept "friendship". She will respect you less if you do and why take second best.

ian_m

Wibbs pretty much summed it up there.

In a relationship if you take one step forward you have to take two steps back. Give a girl something, expect nothing and then step back. If you expect something and be needy, she will never respect you.

She knows how you feel. And she knows you might be hurt and that makes it hard for you too, but things have to move on. Im sure she feels bad about it too. Better for you that shes honest with you. Give her space and get on with your life and you'll find it much easier.

Hiddenuser

Same situation as ron_darrell I feel the same and its sucks.

Was on holidays with her family for 2 weeks. First week great, Second week we broke up, a day later were back together after a really good chat, had great sex that nite! I really thought we survived and were closer for it.

Last 2 days she started getting distance again and she pick the most awful time to say "sometimes I think were just together for the sake for it". I instantly replied "I thought this was sorted and really dont wan2 to talk abt it now". So we left it that evening and next day we were back to are usually selfs.

last day was just crap she was really distance as if she was disguised wit me. Got a text the next day saying "Hey Ive decided i dont want to be in a relationship anymore this time for real. Maybe we can meet up in a few weeks just as friends if you dont thats fine"

I took this pretty badly and was so angry over her taking the cowards way out and texting me it. Ive asked her to meet up with me but she doesnt want to. Ive pleaded, Ive bein bitchy and Ive said "Im okay wit breaking up".

We bein with each other for 3 and 1/2 years she has become my only true friend and I feel lost and lonely and depressed for now anyway. Ive told no one about it, because there's no one im close enough to tell and feel like an absolute loser breaking up on hols and after them. I know leaving her alone is probably best.

She now says she might meet up wit me later on in the week. Is there anything advice to what I should and should not say????????????

Wibbs

Hiddenuser wrote:

Was on holidays with her family for 2 weeks. First week great,

Very nice.

Second week we broke up

Why and is this the first time the reason came up?

a day later were back together after a really good chat, had great sex that nite!

Judging from what happened later she probably didn't think it was that good a chat.

I really thought we survived and were closer for it.

What's possible is that she thought to give you another chance on the simple basis that breaking up on holiday with her family in tow was not the most convenient. People can be weird that way.

she pick the most awful time to say "sometimes I think were just together for the sake for it".

Well there's rarely the right time for that kind of stuff. By that sentence she sounds bored and doesn't see a future with you.

I instantly replied "I thought this was sorted and really dont wan2 to talk abt it now".

Eh wrong answer. I suspect in her mind you've said two things there; a) it seems fine to you and you have not taken her opinion on this and b) It's not important enough to discuss now.

So we left it that evening and next day we were back to are usually selfs.

So did you discuss it or just assume it was fine when she didn't bring it up?

last day was just crap she was really distance as if she was disguised wit me.

Probably because the discussion about the relationship didn't go anywhere.

Got a text the next day saying "Hey Ive decided i dont want to be in a relationship anymore this time for real. Maybe we can meet up in a few weeks just as friends if you dont thats fine"

Ouch, but from what I'm reading and correct me if I'm wrong talking with you as far as she's concerned doesn't seem to move the relationship forward.

Ive asked her to meet up with me but she doesnt want to.

She could be punishing you, or genuinely trying to move on, or both.

Ive pleaded, Ive bein bitchy and Ive said "Im okay wit breaking up".

Yea we've all done that.

I know leaving her alone is probably best

Usually is in 90% of cases, but if your realtionship has been based on you not listening to her and I mean really listening to her, maybe not. I'd give her space for the moment though.

She now says she might meet up wit me later on in the week. Is there anything advice to what I should and should not say????????????

Do not get into anything along the lines of "but you said we would be together forever". So what, things change. Do not get into the blame game as it's pointless and will do no good. Do not beg. Do not tell her that without her you are nothing or she'll respect you even less. Only works in movies. DO ask her the reasons she wants to leave you and LISTEN to her. Basically keep your mouth shut and your ears open. She's the one who made the decision so you're on the back foot here. Now if what's troubling her is something that you've thought about changing for yourself and you can change that then do so. Do not make promises you can't keep. Actions speak louder than words so if you do get a second chance down the line don't tell her you've changed, show her you have.

I suspect and I may be wrong, but communication has been lacking in some way and that's why she's píssed off, or you haven't truly thought about a future together and the relationship has become stale(they're the usual reasons and the timing of this at this stage of the relationship would suggest that). Hey she has her faults too, everyone has, but you're the one looking for advice here so there you go. All IMHO of course.

LegacyUser

hi
ive just been through this exact thing from his end about 3 weeks ago!
its a knee-jerk reaction from him to the realisation of losing u. this takes time, she and i decided to have no contact for a while (just spoke to her yesterday and its a killer) shes seein someone else already but thats not ur problem!!!
anyway, what im saying is that its not as bad as it sounds right now, give it a week and just be nice to eachother whenever u do talk. if you 2 have been through this before then he'll realise its for the best
but let me know how it goes

Hiddenuser

Thanks Wibbs your advice really helps and has given me a lot to think about.

Your assumptions are largely correct commmunication has been bad on both sides and telling her i dont want to talk abt it probably gave her the push to break up.

The Future I know she is really concerned about but one ive no concern about. She's 25 and im 23 sometimes I forget its a bigger deal to her.

She has told me a couple of things that annoy her abt me but really havent made the effort to show her I care. The relationship has got stale and comfortable at the same time!

I dont want to lose her altogether

Wibbs

Hiddenuser wrote:

Thanks Wibbs your advice really helps and has given me a lot to think about.

No worries, but my advice or any other advice based on what you've written here, is only going to be vague at best. Everyone and everyone's relationship is different(though there are common threads that tend to come up a lot).

Your assumptions are largely correct commmunication has been bad on both sides and telling her i dont want to talk abt it probably gave her the push to break up.

I'd put money on it. Now you say on both sides, but from what I see here and from what you've written it does seem to be more from your side. When she brings things up if you ignore it or it descends into argument that may be your end, more than hers. Don't get me wrong some people are a nightmare to have a discussion with and for a lot of men a lot of women can be a bloody nightmare to understand and vice versa. While women from venus men from pluto or whatever is largely tossology of the highest order, I have learned that the two genders can approach such issues differently. Hell I used to do what you seem to do, ignore it for a quiet life etc. Not so good. Listening is the trick. Really listening and waiting for them to explain themselves, before you jump in. What a lot of men describe as nagging is women repeating themselves because they figure you haven't heard the first time(often you have, but you just couldn't be arsed, but that's another thread.... ).

The Future I know she is really concerned about but one ive no concern about.

Surest way to distance a lot of woman from a long term relationship. A biggie in this case I suspect.

She's 25 and im 23 sometimes I forget its a bigger deal to her.

You're with each other 3 and a half years, so that kind of future talk is bound to come up regardless of age. Now as you are still quite young it's a question you probably want to avoid for the moment. fair enough, but if she needed more, that's a good indication why she left. The old píss or get off the pot scenario. I'm not suggesting you break out the engagement ring, but talking and planning for the future, maybe planning to move in together is a good start and a long way from planning your babies names.

She has told me a couple of things that annoy her abt me but really havent made the effort to show her I care.

When you say show her you care how do you mean it? Buying flowers and all that stuff has it's place but addressing the things in you that annoy her would serve you far better. Now I want to be clear here. Im not suggesting you change for someone. Sod that. Only change if those things that her or others take issue with are also things you would want to change for yourself. An example. If she hates you smoking, that a good thing for her to hate as she doesn't like to see you unhealthy, so giving up would be good for you with the added bonus of making her happy too. The wrong thing would be if you like having a pint with your mates on a sunday night and she gets her knickers in a bunch. Changing that would be bad, no matter how happy it made her.

The relationship has got stale and comfortable at the same time!

You both got lazy. It happens. It happens a lot. Too many have this idea that love and relationships are easy and just happen naturally. That can be true in the early days, when you're wobbly bits are in charge. Long term requires effort on both sides. The longest lasting and best relationships I've seen have sometimes required great effort, patience and communication. They've often gone through hard times in the past. A lot of them have even broken up for a while, but they both put the work in and didn't jump and take the easy way out.

I dont want to lose her altogether

Do you mean as a girlfriend or as a friend? If it's the latter you can't expect to be friends with her any time soon, if ever. If it's as a girlfriend, your only hope is to work on yourself and get back to being the man she fell for in the first place with the added bonus of a shared history and extra wisdom. If you've gotten a bit lardy recently or have gotten stuck in the same job rut, change that. That'll take work.

A lot see a breakup as an end of something. It is, but it can also be a beginning of something. You're now free to be a better you(call oprah:D ). When you re happier in yourself and with your new life, anything can happen. Hey she may not come back to you, but it won't matter so much as you won't need her anymore. You will want someone to share your life, but only if they add to that and that's more healthy(it may even be her). More to the point if you get yourself back and improve for yourself, you'll have better health, more mates and you'll find a lot more women will be interested in you and a life with you. You end up having a better relationship with yourself and you're never gonna leave yourself, are you? That can't be a bad result.