cheated on my boyfriend

girlwithprob

Thanks in advance for any advice.

So in short,Ive been with my fella for years im 22 hes 23 we've been arguing a lot lately and i jus felt like **** all the time(and no that is not an excuse),so stupidely slept with someone else
I cannot believe I did it now,I feel terrible.
The guilt is unbelievable. i want to tell him but i know how hurt he'd be ,I also feel that by telling him that i'm jus relieving some of my guilt
Anyway this weekend i've had the best time with him,he's trying so hard now and i realise why i fell in love with him in the first place.
Im so messed up. i know he'd dump me straight away if he knew

What do i do?

RuggieBear

tell him or don't tell him.

Mr. Presentable

Consider. Is there any possible way he'll find out? If there is, tell him. If you're sure there's not, keep schtum.

You are at damage limitation here.

axer

girlwithprob wrote:

Thanks in advance for any advice.

So in short,Ive been with my fella for nearly 4 years we've been arguing a lot lately and i jus felt like **** all the time(and no that is not an excuse),so stupidely slept with someone else
I cannot believe I did it now,I feel terrible.
The guilt is unbelievable. i want to tell him but i know how hurt he'd be ..all his previous gf's did the same,I also feel that by telling him that i'm jus relieving some of my guilt
Anyway this weekend i've had the best time with him,he's trying so hard now and i realise why i fell in love with him in the first place.
Im so messed up. i know he'd dump me straight away if he knew

What do i do?

A healthy relationship is built on honesty. If you respect him you will tell him as it is not your decision whether he should break up with you or not - it is his and his only. Do not think you have any say in the matter.

PeakOutput

tell him

take your cumupins

move on when he dumps you(if he has any self respect that is what he will do.....imo)

SarahSassy

Dont tell him. You are conscious that you are doing it to reduce your guilt. Decide if you want to be with him or not. Dont string him along and either make a committment to yourself not to do it again or finish with him.

alantc

The relationship is over, break up.

Aura

You've loved him for four years. He deserves to know. I know it's throwing everything on the line but to my mind this not something that in reality you can just sweep under the carpet. Do you really want your relationship to be anything other than true? People make mistakes and you have but you have to own up to it and hope he can see past it and hopefully rebuild trust in you but that is his decision to make. My last relationship went into rapid decline over some stupid white lies told to save his feelings. Made it so much worse and though the situation was not same and I had nothing to hide in essence the fact that I withheld something from him instead of just being totally upfront made it difficult for him to trust me again. Tell him sooner rather than later.

johnnyrotten

Hes better off without you

star-pants

OP that is a tough situation.... and I'm VERY against cheating, it's happened to me a lot..and it's HORRIBLE ..especially when you find out off other people. But as SarahSassy said -- you need to think about if you really want to be with him.
To SLEEP with someone else... that's a big thing.. it's not like you just kissed someone by mistake....
Have a big think about the whole relationship .. I personally think you should tell him -- because he has a right to know. Put yourself in his shoes, would you want to know if he'd slept with someone else?
That's just me though, only you can decide what you feel you need to do.

Ruu_Old

Be honest and tell him, you would expect the same if it happened to you I'm sure. It is up to you of course.

Talliesin

Do you think he'd rather be told, or rather remain happily ignorant?

Overheal

if all his previous gfs cheated on him there must be a cause for it...

The Sweeper

Disclosing infidelity isn't about trust really - it's about whether or not your partner will ever get over it. I know plenty of couples back together after one or other cheated, and they trust each other, but every time they fight his or her infidelity still comes up and it still colours every single area of their relationship.

I also know older people, together longer (e.g 15 years and more), where one or other was unfaithful and they're still together and they may not fully trust each other (e.g. they're capable of suspicion at peculiar behaviour, as opposed to blindly trusting) but they're secure enough in themselves that they got over it.

So there you go - do you think he'd ever get over it?

daniel3982

In my experience once something like this is out in the open it will always come up and cloud every experience you two have from now on, even at happy times something might remind him of it and set him off. So if you really think he is the one perhaps it is you thats going to have to suffer and let him carry on in his blissful ignorance.

~Rebel~

IMO if you dont tell him and everything goes on to be grand, no matter how fine it seems to be, it will be a lie. To have something that big hidden I think is just unfair. I know if it were me, id want to know anyway.

K-9

girlwithprob wrote:

So in short,Ive been with my fella for years im 22 hes 23 we've been arguing a lot lately and i jus felt like **** all the time(and no that is not an excuse),so stupidely slept with someone else
I cannot believe I did it now,I feel terrible.
The guilt is unbelievable. i want to tell him but i know how hurt he'd be ,I also feel that by telling him that i'm jus relieving some of my guilt

So would you do it again, in the same circumstances?

Don't dress it up either, you cheated, you shouldn't have. There's no excuses!

girlwithprob wrote:

Anyway this weekend i've had the best time with him,he's trying so hard now and i realise why i fell in love with him in the first place.
Im so messed up. i know he'd dump me straight away if he knew

What do i do?

This weekend doesn't matter. Either the relationship is Bad or it isn't. You're going out for years, 1 weekend doesn't make a difference.

livinginkorea

Tell him and if it's not that big a deal with him you guys will be fine. He may be pissed and not talk to you for a few days but he'll come around. Same happened to me years ago and I forgave her.

Miss Fluff

girlwithprob wrote:

Anyway this weekend i've had the best time with him,he's trying so hard now and i realise why i fell in love with him in the first place.
Im so messed up. i know he'd dump me straight away if he knew

What do i do?

You may have gotten on better this weekend because you have been more pleasant due to the guilt you are feeling.

Sleeping with someone else is often symptomatic of something being majorly wrong in a relationship. Next time you have a rough patch can you see yourself doing it again? I wouldn't feel compelled to tell him just to ease your own feelings of guilt. If you were to tell him it should be because you think he deserves to know.

If you can honestly see a future for your guys I personally wouldn't tell him.

Who did you sleep with?

How Strange

I don't agree with cheating and I don't think these things JUST HAPPEN as people always say they do. There is always a moment when you say f*ck it, I'm going to do it anyway.

You slept with someone and as some of the other posters said it wasn't just a random drunk snog.

Cheating especially having sex with someone else is like a huge neon sign saying your relationship is over. I really don't see how you can survive this and I think you sleeping with someone else just highlighted that for you.

I'd say don't tell him because your relationship is probably at an end and does he really need to know that yet another gf cheated on him. You can cope with your guilt in your own way but don't run his confidence and self esteem by telling him.

You are both still quite young so maybe you cheating was a subconscious way to initiate a breakup.

But then again, only you can answer that. I've deduced all this from a small paragraph from you.

davyjose

Miss Fluff wrote:

If you can honestly see a future for your guys I personally wouldn't tell him.

Yes because afterall he has no input into the relationship, nor does he have any say in the direction it is going!!! :rolleyes:
Personally, if I'm in a relationship, I want to know whether or not I can trust the person I'm with. He can't trust the OP, even if he thinks he can. So in essence the relationship is a sham because he's not seeing it how it really is - unless you tell him.
In other words, it's a much bigger crime if you don't tell him, and IMO it's like cheating on him twice, because you've broken his trust twice.

Marksie

I am with miss fluff on this one.

Sleeping with someone else is but a symptom of the relationship as a whole. Consciously or more likely subconsciously you are trying to tell yourself something.

Its time to look at yourself honestly and the relationship honestly and the reasonings.

If you tell him you will break up.
If you don't tell him then you will have to look at the realtionship and see where it is going wrong.
If you decide not to tell him, then you have to reconcile this with yourself. If you carry teh guilt around it will fester.

The weekend does not mark an improvement in the relationship, it is merely you viewing it as such because you are feeling guilty or shame.

Loomis

I think cheating is disgusting. One of the worst things you can do to a person. The thought of my girlfriend cheating on me makes me feel physically sick. But if it happened I'd want to know. I'd deserve to know.
As has been said; tell him. It is his choice whether the relationship goes any further, not yours. Not telling him is you making that decision which you've no right to do.

Jesus Wept

johnnyrotten wrote:

Hes better off without you

+1million.

BeardyGit

You're a cheat OP. You should dump yourself.

CathyMoran

Personally I think that he deserves to know, it is up to him to decide if he wants to stay with you and at the moment you are being false with him. If nothing else, the guilt will kill you.

starlight07

This is a horrible situation to be in, from experience I think you should tell him. If you dont you will have to live with the guilt and worry that he will find out from someone else. I know it will be difficult to tell him as he will be so hurt but at least you can live knowing that you were honest- if any thing you owe him this. If the relationship is strong enough it will survive, if not then move on and remember never to get yourself into this situation again.

kaimera

Don't tell him to appease your guilty conscience.

Tell him because he damn well deserves to know but be prepared for the fallout.

This is very recent experience talking

red_ice

i am shocked and apauled at people here for advising this girl to keep her mouth shut. Shame on her for doing such an act. No matter what her situation is, no matter what his situation is, they are both in a relationship together and she has gone and done something that is far beyond anything anyone in a situation like that deserves. Tell the guy, he deserves to know. If you dont tell him, your a horrible person. Mistakes happen, they are also forgiven, depends on the person.

If you own up chances are you will break up. But if your relationship has those foundations which we all know and need, there is a good chance that you will make it past this problem. Never the less the guy will have faith in you and know that if you did ever get back together he would at least have the comfort of mind to know that you would be honest with him if this situation arose again, compared to finding out that you cheated on him and not having a hope in hell of getting back together, because you tried to pull the wool over his eyes.

you should most definitly tell him, and anyone who says otherwise is a sly and selfish fool if they are speaking from personal experience. Frankly i dont care who i hurt when i say that comment, because if you disagree with me.. well i dont care, i know i have good morals and would never do such a horrible thing to another person.

onemanband

The over the top reactions created by threads on cheating never ceases to amaze me. The fact is we all make mistakes. The OP appears to be sorry it happened and is feeling very guilty about it.

Despite this every dog and their mother wants to jump in and tell her what a low life she is and how she deserves what comes to her.

Let he who is without sin cast the first stone and all that.

Unfortunately there is some cold logic need here. If you really love this guy and you believe he loves you, and you think that there is a very very good chance he will never find out then you keep quiet about it. You live with your guilt (which you deserve) and work your ass off to show your newfound appreciation to him.

If you feel there is even the slightest chance he will find out then you come clean and hope for the best.

azezil

Sex doesn't 'just happen', I agree with Marksie that its a symptom of the relationship, some part of you is telling you you want out of this relationship or somethings just not right.

Its a tough call, 1) if you tell him, is it just to relieve your own guilt, and maybe use this to escape the relationship? or 2) do you tell him because you genuinely care for him and feel he has the right to choose if you have a future together?

You'll have to answer that question yourself before choosing if you should tell him or not.
Maybe it was just a minor hiccup and it'll give you a chance to talk about how you really feel, it may help you come to terms with whatever's nagging you about the relationship and you'll stay together or it could just end in bitter resentment.

axer

onemanband wrote:

The over the top reactions created by threads on cheating never ceases to amaze me. The fact is we all make mistakes. The OP appears to be sorry it happened and is feeling very guilty about it.

Despite this every dog and their mother wants to jump in and tell her what a low life she is and how she deserves what comes to her.

Let he who is without sin cast the first stone and all that.

There are varying degrees of mistakes and the scale isn't even big enough for this one. People don't just fall into bed and have sex together. There are so many opportunities along the way to stop and think "hold on, this is wrong. I am about to hurt someone who loves me". I sympathise with the boyfriend and the boyfriend only in this case.

OP: Telling your boyfriend is not to make you feel better, what you feel is irrelevant in this situation, it is to show respect for a person who loves you.

onemanband wrote:

Unfortunately there is some cold logic need here. If you really love this guy and you believe he loves you, and you think that there is a very very good chance he will never find out then you keep quiet about it. You live with your guilt (which you deserve) and work your ass off to show your newfound appreciation to him.

If you feel there is even the slightest chance he will find out then you come clean and hope for the best.

That is the cowardly and dishonest way of dealing with the situation.

Marksie

axer wrote:

I sympathise with the boyfriend and the boyfriend only in this case.

To be honest, i personally prefer a non judgmental approach in these instances.
The OP has admitted to feeling guilty so continued condemnation is rather pointless.
We simply do not know what was going wrong in the relationship to cause this behaviour. One way or another the OP has to resolve what happened within the context of the realtionship as a whole.

TerrorFirmer

To be honest if you really love him, you wouldn't be able to move on and just 'bear the burden'...it should really only be a case of telling him now, or later. I know if I ever did something like that, I'd never be able to keep it from my girlfriend. The guilt would simply destroy me.

That said, tell him everything. Not just what you did - try to explain to him the larger picture - and by that, I don't mean excuses for what you did, but rather, tell him how much he means, how much you hate yourself for doing it, and that you don't want to loose him, and that you were having a rough patch. Nothing can excuse what happened, but despite the common 'End it now, it can't work' ethic, a context has to be estabhlished and everything evaluated. Yes, there's a chance he will dump you, and no-one would blame him for doing so, but these things aren't always necessarily the end of a relationship, you'd be surprised at what people get over, and how it changes them.

Everyones definitely done something they're not proud of, and we're all human. Good luck anyway.

banquo

Agreed. We don't know the ins and outs of it all. The question put is 'Tell him or not?'

IMO, to not tell him is a continuation of the act of cheating. If you respect him you'll tell him; not to is selfish, pure and simple.

Everyone gets a romantic slaying at some stage, it's actually kinda healthy. In hindsight, of course.

K-9

Marksie wrote:

We simply do not know what was going wrong in the relationship to cause this behaviour. One way or another the OP has to resolve what happened within the context of the realtionship as a whole.

+1. Some serious looking at the relationship is needed. If things where that bad, why cheat? Just leave him.

We don't really know how bad the relationship was. You need to look at why you cheated, was it to get back at him, was it lack of attention or did it just happen!

red_ice

onemanband wrote:

The over the top reactions created by threads on cheating never ceases to amaze me. The fact is we all make mistakes. The OP appears to be sorry it happened and is feeling very guilty about it.

Yea, we should all embrace you and make it seem like everything is ok for you rather than just being straight forward and giving you the honest truth.

onemanband wrote:

Let he who is without sin cast the first stone and all that.

And i did.

onemanband wrote:

If you feel there is even the slightest chance he will find out then you come clean and hope for the best.

So in other words, its not cheating unless your cought? Thats terrible advice. Im sorry, i cant give the slightest bit of sympathy for this case, and i cant believe that people are taking her side. She has written a soppy post making it out like she is the victim here, but when you burn away all that padding the bare facts remain - boy meets girl, girl dates boy, girl fk's another chap behind boys back. Thats the story, no more to it is needed.

axer wrote:

There are varying degrees of mistakes and the scale isn't even big enough for this one. People don't just fall into bed and have sex together. There are so many opportunities along the way to stop and think "hold on, this is wrong. I am about to hurt someone who loves me". I sympathise with the boyfriend and the boyfriend only in this case.

EXACTLY

axer wrote:

OP: Telling your boyfriend is not to make you feel better, what you feel is irrelevant in this situation, it is to show respect for a person who loves you.

Very true. I think that your looking at this situation from a wrong pov. Its not a matter of 'if i will get cought' or 'will he dump me'. Its a matter of respect for the person that you are ment to be committed to.

Marksie wrote:

We simply do not know what was going wrong in the relationship to cause this behaviour.

Does it matter whats going on in her relationship? No. If there was a big enough problem with the relationship she should have ended it, then gone off and shagged another bloke. That way its not cheating. People are taking their eye off the ball here. She feels horrible about it, hes making an effort, so no matter what the problem is it wasnt big enough to seperate them as they both wanted to work on it. She slept with another chap, so the relationship must mean sweet fk all to her. I think shes only after some sympathy and a soft pat on the back... something small within these replies that will give her something to hold on to and pull some good from this post so that she doesnt feel so bad about the situation - im sorry, its not coming from me.

I have to say I'm with red ice on this one.
If things were that bad she should have left him, then slept with someone else.
I absolutely don't agree she should refrain from telling him what happened.
Of course she should tell him, if she wants a relationship with him. Actually, since he's been making an effort, she should tell him even if she's leaving him.
I have no sympathy here.

justsomebloke

Ok I think we have a troll on this one.

you say you have a boyfriend years yet

http://www.boards.ie/vbulletin/showthread.php?t=2055120905

was only posted about 2 months ago, so at some point you are talking ****

red_ice

jsb wrote:

Ok I think we have a troll on this one.

you say you have a boyfriend years yet

http://www.boards.ie/vbulletin/showthread.php?t=2055120905

was only posted about 2 months ago, so at some point you are talking ****

well spotted jsb - i knew i knew that name from somewhere. And people on these forums were insinuating i was a cold bastid.

She deserves everything she gets. She should be ashamed of herself for being the way she is.

strawberrybox

dont tell him if you still want to be with him, it can actually be a good thing believe it or not it can make you see what a good bloke you are with and clarify that you want to be with him, men have huge egos and cannot take the thoughts of some other bloke being there with you, a similar thing happened to me and i had to own up believe me not because i wanted to and everytime we had a row it was dragged up and everytime something was on the tv about cheating it created a mega atomsphere- dont believe all this crap about honesty- its overrated!!

Nevyn

jsb and red_ice
if you have an issuue with a post or a thread use the reported post function,
speculating about whether a post is a troll of not is off topic and unhelpful and
off topic and unhelpful post will get you banned from this forum.

Thaedydal.

red_ice

thats fair enough Thaedydal. At first i was commenting trying to give sound advive on the matter, which you can only mark as being sound advice and opinion.

Now it has come to light that the op's dilema was premeditated, if this is even the same guy. They should break up and leave it at that. I have nothing more to add to the conversation.

~Rebel~

strawberrybox wrote:

dont tell him if you still want to be with him, it can actually be a good thing believe it or not it can make you see what a good bloke you are with and clarify that you want to be with him, men have huge egos and cannot take the thoughts of some other bloke being there with you, a similar thing happened to me and i had to own up believe me not because i wanted to and everytime we had a row it was dragged up and everytime something was on the tv about cheating it created a mega atomsphere- dont believe all this crap about honesty- its overrated!!

So the boyfriend should be tricked into being with someone he wouldn't want to be with if he knew the full story? Very very selfish imo.

justsomebloke

I am not speculating about anything though. I have given an example of how the OP at some other point has wanted to chat up somebody before so badly that they came onto a public forum as a registered user and posted when they could have gone unregged. The same poster has then come on looking for advice claiming that this is something out of the blue that she only did when drunk however that cleary is not the case and at some point has considered cheating on at least one other occasion . We could give advise based on her one post however chances are she will get even more appropriate advice if we where to know more advice.

Mazeire

red_ice wrote:

She deserves everything she gets. She should be ashamed of herself for being the way she is.

Thats nice lads. Because you know absolutely no one makes a cock up of things when they are 21 do they? Its also perfectly possible that someone can be in a relationship with someone and have a crush on someone else.
Anyways, i reckon you should tell your boyfriend. It will come out if you don't. However unlikely it seems right now the truth has a way of rearing its head and if you dont tackle it yourself now while you have the opportunity, it usually tends to come out at the worse possible time in the worse possible way. Who's to say that you wont get locked and under the influence decide to tell all or in the heat of an argument hurl it at him in a fit of temper? Either way i'd take the bull by the horns and deal with it. Best of luck.

meglome

Miss Fluff wrote:

You may have gotten on better this weekend because you have been more pleasant due to the guilt you are feeling.

Sleeping with someone else is often symptomatic of something being majorly wrong in a relationship. Next time you have a rough patch can you see yourself doing it again? I wouldn't feel compelled to tell him just to ease your own feelings of guilt. If you were to tell him it should be because you think he deserves to know.

If you can honestly see a future for your guys I personally wouldn't tell him.

Who did you sleep with?

I agree fully with this. If you are going to stay together and you obviously feel bad about what happened I wouldn't tell him.

meglome

meglome wrote:

I agree fully with this. If you are going to stay together and you obviously feel bad about what happened I wouldn't tell him.

That's great logic. Well I murdered someone and I feel bad about it, so I guess it's not a crime as long as I don't get caught. But only because I feel bad now.

strawberrybox

well sometimes its better to be selfish than needlessly hurt someone just to ease your own guilt, he is not being tricked into being with someone if she has learned her lesson and id say will defo not cheat again and will end up with a much better relationship if she now appreciates what she now has- why cause so much pain if its lesson learned

Beruthiel

girlwithprob wrote:

So in short,Ive been with my fella for years

Posted last July

girlwithprob wrote:

ok so i fancy this guy at work and i think he may fancy me,
he spends lots of time staring and smiling at me but he could jus be being polite.
i think hes nearly 30 and i am 21 how do i get talking to him without everyone gossiping about it?
i think the women working with me may have already noticed cos my face lights up whenever he comes over to ask me something

:rolleyes: