Another pursual thread

LegacyUser

Hows it going lads

I was going out with this girl I've known for year for about 10 months. I know it seems like a relatively short time, but we were best friends during the relationship, and I absolutely adored her.

I could write a book on why I broke up with her, but basically I became very depressed, and thought that no wanted to know me, and that my gf could do a lot better than me.

Fast forward 9 months, and long chats with Aware, Samaritans and counsellors. I'm now back on my feet, and have pieced my life together. Almost....

Nothing would please me more than to get back with the old gf. It would make me so happy. She knows what I went through, and was very worried about me. I've only got back in touch with her properly over the last couple of weeks, mainly chatting on Gmail chat, one phone call. Basically i set out my stall, told her how I felt.

One prob though - she's being going out with a guy from work for the last 4 months.

So do I pursue? My strategy at the moment is just to let things take there course. I've asked her if she'd like to meet up over the next few weeks, just to get the foot in the door I guess.

What do you guys think? Am I stupid? Do i not have her best interests at heart?

Independant thoughts please

Overheal

well, I have self-wired restraints VS girl-stealing: meaning if shes dating all you can do is back off from that. She knows you're interested; and she of course remembers your time together so if she decides thats right for her she will bring it up with you.

Wibbs

Pretty much the same advice as overheal. Funny enough in my experience and observation if she had broken up with you and immediately started something new with someone else you might have had a chance. Given that she was single for a good while before going out with this new man it doesn't sound at all like a rebound and she doesn't sound like the kind of person who needs to be going with someone, but makes decisions based on the person at hand. You need to accept what's happened and move on I'm afraid. You never know in years to come, but I wouldn't pin any hopes on that. I also agree with trying to win someone away from a boyfriend. That nearly always ends in tears. Karma and all that.

LegacyUser

I should add a couple of more details.

First off, she encouraged me to get stuff of my chest. The way she said it was that she wants to be presented with all the information, and she would make her own decisions based on that info. Initially I was reluctant to tell her how I felt, because I was afraid (as you guys have said) it would end in tears. But, she wanted me to say it, so I said it. Obviously I feel better after doing it!

Second, she said yes to meeting up.

Thanks for the above comments btw! I gotta ask though, is there an argument for just going for it, and if not I might regret it for a long time?

Dalfiatach

*shrugs*

These things can be difficult. You have to avoid pining away, or putting the rest of your life on hold waiting for her to come back to you. You could end up carrying around that torch for years and wasting your youth if you aren't careful. At the same time, yer thinking you'd always have that little "what if?" regret if you just walk away now, yes?

When you meet her, don't rush straight into the "come back to me" spiel. Spend the first hour just chatting and laughing bout random stuff. When you do get round to that topic of conversation, try not to come across as needy, desperate, for God's sake don't say stuff like "I need you to make my life complete" or "I can't live without you"...it's a tricky one to pull off, but the vibe yer looking for is clear-headed, practical, sure of yourself yet still at the same time romantic and loving. If that makes any sense.

Don't be too pushy. Leave her with the sense that your troubles are behind you and yer most definitely mentally stable; and you have thought this through, really care for her and think t'would be a shame to throw away the potential that your relationship had. But that yer not going to hang around forever. Don't be too pushy with that last bit though, ultimatums will backfire disastrously.

Then the ball is in her court. If she does nothing after 2 months in terms of ditching the boyfriend, then you have to follow through on the implicit threat ("threat" is a bad word, but you know what I mean) and start moving on with your life. Hope for the best, prepare for the worst.

mik_da_man

Well I would advise against stealing her from the other guy.
Let her make her mind up.
Things like that always end up in tears - trust me.

Carrigart Exile

All's fair in love and war, just be sure she's what you want and its not simply because someone else has her

Overheal

Its not so much what not to say and how to say it...

The idea is to be stable about it: you can pretty much say what you want to a point - you were both intimate at some stage after all. The idea is, imho, to compose yourself: gather your emotions for a while and you'll find of your own accord you will stop blurting out things like PLEASE TAKE ME BACK I LOVE YE and say things that are more approachable like 'I really miss you'. Your emotional control plays a huge hand in the things you do and say; and thats very easy to pick up on by other people.

Just take plenty of time. It doesnt have to be all said at once. Don't say anything you don't mean either, ffs Honesty is always your best asset.

comongethappy

I'd say meet up with her. If she says I just want to be friends - accept it and walk away. Don't try to break up a relationship if she doesn't see you two as being a couple anymore. If she says she wants to give things a go again... well, just make sure she ends it w/ her work collegue first and give her the time and space to do that.

Aura

Seconded. Firm believer in not hiding things when it comes to affairs of the heart. What's the point? Tell her how you are feeling but as she is currently involved be prepared to back off straight away if she so requests.

livinginkorea

So has she broken up with the other guy yet? Maybe she wants to check how you are first and stuff before commiting herself?