friends engagement

sam34

so, just heard last nite that a friend of mine has gotten engaged after a relatively whirlwind romance. this is a friend with whom i had two one night stands over the years (known each other nearly 11 years). to be honest, i had for a long time secretly harboured the notion that we might get together in a relationship. i never voiced this and there were never any moves made on my friends part, so i assumed the interest wasnt there. we remained very good friends, however, meeting once or twice a week, phoning for a chat twice a week and texting daily, as well as going on holidays together. all this fizzled out in january when i moved 50 miles away due to a new job. we suddenly went from seeing each other twice a weel to rarely. i know 50 miles isnt a huge distance but we it was hard to coordinate meeting up. i was trying to adjust to a new job and new home and thought i would settle better if i wasnt running to my old friends all the time. so gradually, our contact dropped to not even once a week. then, i get a phonecall saying "ive met someone", and i listen to how smitten they are etc. a small part of me is jealous, even though rationally i know a relationship between us would never work longterm. since their relationship began, our contact has dwindled even more. i know this always happens at the start of relationships, but still it hurts. it had happened when my friend was in a rellationship before (4 or 5 yrs ago) and had lasted until they broke up, so this time i used to jokingly say "dont go totally off the radar like u did before", even though it wasnt really ajoke, i meant it and i was hoping my friend would pick up on the fact that i was actually quite lonely in my new life, but my hints went unheeded.
their relationship progressed so quickly and now theyre engaged! ive never met the fiance. i feel like ive just lost a great friend, aalthough if im being honest i probably lost my friend months ago. i feel the engagement will bring about a sshift in our relationship, taht i just cant pick up the phone for a chat whenever i want, as maybe theyll be together , and on the infrequent occasions taht we do meet up, will there be two or three of us?
maybe im making a mountain out of a molehill, but this is happening at a time when ive had a rough few months - bereavement, financial worries, ending a very unsuitable relationship. when i got the text announcing the engagement (bloody group text, not even a phonecall!) i cried and im crying now this morning typing this. i feel lonely, left out and thoroughly fed up.

Balmed Out

Friendships have a habit of playing second fiddle to relationships, you reckon they'll always be there and dont need as much work but theres no reason for you not to make the effort yourself and take an interest in meeting and getting to know the fiance. You said things wouldnt have worked out with the two of ye anyhow so any feelings of jealousy may be down to him being so happy when your not rather than anything more serious.

Bottle_of_Smoke

I can't work out if you're male or female.

Try & work out if you want something to happen & if you'd like to try a relationship with your friend.

If you do your options are to stay quiet & possibly regret it for a long time. Or speak your mind & risk pissing your friend off.

If you work out that it's just jealousy/terretorialism then I think you should say nothing & try & be happy for your friend.

You live 50 miles away, how could you have expected the friendship to be the same.

I lost one of my best friends through her getting pregnant. We used to talk every day about anything, gossip, have fun. It's unlikely we'll ever hang out alone much ever again. But I'll still make the most of any time I do spend with her, other people being there or not.

sam34

im female. i dont want a relationship with my friend, i know well that in that 24/7 setting we wouldnt work out. so, bottle of smoke, youre probably right its just me being terratorial, and as balmed out said, im not that happy in my life right now so im prob a bit jealous that everything is working out right for him. ive no notion of saying anything, as i feel that would always be an issue between us and would do irreperable harm.
i suppose im pissed off that ive made more of an effort to maintain our friendship over the last few months than he has. i know hes been in the honeymoon period of a new relationship and that you do tend to neglect friends at that time, but still. the only times we've met are when ive travelled to where he is, apart from one night he stayed with me as he had to work in my area for a day. the phone calls are generally made by me, and he might go days before returning a text or a call. i have invited them both to visit me, but havent been taken up on the offer.
when i rang him today to say congrats, he was with her obviously and he kept repeating to her what id said and vice versa and i was thinking ffs can i not ahve a normal 2 way telephone conversation with you anymore.
i know i probably come across as self-pitying and whiney, but im just fed up right now, so please indulge me!

SingingCherry

when i rang him today to say congrats, he was with her obviously and he kept repeating to her what id said and vice versa and i was thinking ffs can i not ahve a normal 2 way telephone conversation with you anymore.
i know i probably come across as self-pitying and whiney, but im just fed up right now, so please indulge me!

Nope, not going to do it. This isn't about you. This is about him! HE is engaged and he wants to share every good wish with his fiance. You being pissed off because you can't have a two way conversation during their exciting time makes you sound whiney and self-pitying. Be happy for him if you feel he's your friend. When I got engaged we told our parents and then we told everyone else in a mass text. You know why? Because you don't have time to call every last person and tell them. You'd be on the phone forever and all you want to do is celebrate. The good friends text or call later on and congratulate. The not-so-good ones complain that they got a text.

Balmed Out

I dont think your being too whiny, there nothing wrong with missing your friend. The other poster is definately right about the engagement thing, your making a mountain out of a molehill. With the past history it makes it very difficult for your friend. Lots of women are very suspicous of platonic friendships with other women not to mind one where there might be some chemistry. You need to become pals with her in order to preserve your friendship with him. Thats my tupence anyway.

sam34

well, ive had a few days (and a lot of drink on sat nite) to get used to the idea. im still a bit sad but i know that wont last. realistically, i need to be happy for my friend and get to know the mrs-to-be. so i need to stop feeling sorry for myself and be a bit proactive! all in all, i feel its the end of an era in our friendship but i guess i should make the most of it and move with the times.
thanks to those who offered helpful advice and gave words of comfort

How Strange

OP, glad to hear you are coming to terms with your friend's engagement.

I understand where you are coming from. It's a very weird feeling when someone who has been on your wave length and in a similar personal situation to you i.e. single (and I'm guessing the 34 in Sam34 refers to your age which explains your shock at the news) suddenly moves on.

You feel left behind and betrayed. I think that is a natural reaction. No-one wants to be the last one standing. But as you said yourself, you've had time to get over the 'shock' so now you can start being happy for your friend.

K-9

sam34 wrote:

so, just heard last nite that a friend of mine has gotten engaged after a relatively whirlwind romance. this is a friend with whom i had two one night stands over the years (known each other nearly 11 years). to be honest, i had for a long time secretly harboured the notion that we might get together in a relationship. i never voiced this and there were never any moves made on my friends part, so i assumed the interest wasnt there.

I think your belatedly coming to terms with that. The engagement is the final straw.

loismustdie

you are very hung up on him and you need to concentrate on other more important aspects of your life, meet new people. good luck