Boyf with low sex drive??

Tridion

Hi guys,

going anon for this one...

Basically I've been going out with my boyfriend for 2 1/2 years. We moved in together 1 1/2 years ago.

I initially had problems with jealousy due to low self confidence but I managed to sort myself out for the most part. The problems now are:
- we only have sex about once a week, sometimes less (something I don't like). Also sex is not v good.
- My boyfriend is not very affectionate at all, meaning that I feel I am giving him my full attention while he, for example, is sitting staring at the TV. I'm sure someone who knew about body language would have a field day.
- All of his effort seems to go on sport (he would train 7/8 times a week), using this as an excuse for not having sex, saying he's too tired

All of this, unfortunately, is having a negative effect on me. I have noticed my levels of jealousy rising. So if he says he's leaving the office and arrives home an hour later (we live a 5min walk from his work-place), I am starting to wonder where he was - not good!!

I know all men are different but aren't men supposed to have a higher sex drive than women?? Could he really be happy with sex once a week or is he getting it somewhere else??

thanks guys

T

sjaakie

i think you should have a serious chat with him about all this, tell him your not happy with the current situation.

from what you are saying its obvious it effects your self esteem and the fact that you are getting a little bit jalous is one of the effects you get from having low self esteem.

sit him down, make sure to him your serious about it.

gl

Wibbs

Tridion wrote:

- My boyfriend is not very affectionate at all,

That's a bigger problem in a lot of ways. If he's not making the effort there, then the lack of sex is just a symptom of a larger issue in the relationship.

- All of his effort seems to go on sport (he would train 7/8 times a week), using this as an excuse for not having sex, saying he's too tired

Usually exercise makes you more amorous not less. Increases testosterone etc.

I know all men are different but aren't men supposed to have a higher sex drive than women?? Could he really be happy with sex once a week or is he getting it somewhere else??

Judging by what I've heard from my female friends over the years that's not that unusual at all. Once a week even less so. One woman I know stayed in a relationship with a guy for 3 years, lived with him for two and they slept together a handful of times. That was one of the biggest reasons she left. There is the idea that men have this rampaging libido and at the start of the relationships that can be true, longterm can be another matter. I remember reading somewhere that more women than men complain at marriage counselling about the lack of affection and sex after a few years together.

I would doubt that he's getting it elsewhere. I'd actually be more suspicious of that if he started getting more sexual out of the blue.

The lack of sex is a big red flag. It's either he just has a low sex drive or with the lack of affection that he's gotten complacent and lazy or both. Either way a hard look at the future of your relationship needs to be discussed. You need to talk to him and find out where the problem may lay.

AckwelFoley

Is he on any medication?


I was on a certain anti depressant called ciprimol and it ruined my sex drive.. im on a different one now and im rather better

Tridion

Synper - He isn't on medication, at least I'm pretty sure he isn't, never goes to the doctor

He comes from a family that isn't very affectionate so I know that it's partly a case that he's just not used to being affectionate but it's something v important to me.

Thanks guys, some great advice - I'll try to talk to him about it, again

McGinty

Hi Op

I went out with a guy many years ago who was similar, he lacked affection and had a very low sex drive even though we were only dating rather than a serious relationship of a year or more. After a couple of months I said to him that as I am a deeply affectionate person I need lots of affection and he was unable to give that to me, and maybe we should part, he assured me that he cared for me, and I knew he did, but that his family were cold and he didn't know how to be affectionate and for me to be patient, so I did try but he was deeply uncomfortable with affection and sex in general, only the odd time. I could not accept this about him and I don't believe in changing people so eventually I ended it because I was becoming more resentful. Personally I believe you have two options, you can accept his lack of affection or you can talk it with him to see if he will try harder or finally you may have to find someone who is more affectionate and suited to you.

Since then I have only encountered lovely affectionate men who are on my wavelenght

Overheal

Tridion wrote:

He comes from a family that isn't very affectionate so I know that it's partly a case that he's just not used to being affectionate but it's something v important to me.

That sounds awfully shaky affection is a cornerstone of a good relationship... As for the upbringin I dont see the full picture there: I would figure someone from a less affectionate background would kind of crave that sort of interaction ?

sjaakie

someone from a low or nonexcist affectionate loving background is usually kind of stiff and find affection/cuddles etc. invasive and very hard to deal with

dudara

You have to bring this up with him. Try to be non-confrontational. Being emotionally isolated in a relationship is one of the loneliest things on this planet. Don't be dragged into feelings of inadequacy and isolation.

Carrigart Exile

It sounds to me very similar to my own situation, where constant nagging and insane jealousy have driven all affection out of my head, my wife could turn up in full Ann summers kit and I would view it as a drudge.

jawlie

Tridion wrote:

Hi guys,

going anon for this one...

Basically I've been going out with my boyfriend for 2 1/2 years. We moved in together 1 1/2 years ago.

I initially had problems with jealousy due to low self confidence but I managed to sort myself out for the most part. The problems now are:
- we only have sex about once a week, sometimes less (something I don't like). Also sex is not v good.
- My boyfriend is not very affectionate at all, meaning that I feel I am giving him my full attention while he, for example, is sitting staring at the TV. I'm sure someone who knew about body language would have a field day.
- All of his effort seems to go on sport (he would train 7/8 times a week), using this as an excuse for not having sex, saying he's too tired

All of this, unfortunately, is having a negative effect on me. I have noticed my levels of jealousy rising. So if he says he's leaving the office and arrives home an hour later (we live a 5min walk from his work-place), I am starting to wonder where he was - not good!!

I know all men are different but aren't men supposed to have a higher sex drive than women?? Could he really be happy with sex once a week or is he getting it somewhere else??

thanks guys

T

I'm sort of bemused as to why you think anyone else can offer you advice as we only know one side of this story and advice from anonymous strangers isn't really of much use.

Like most people who pose such questions of strangers, you already know the answer and are, presumably, seeking validation for your decision and are not, in any case, going to do what a group of strangers advises.

There are two courses open to you. One, discuss with him the problem, as you see it. Either just the two of you or with professional help, whichever suits best.

If either he won't discuss it, won't seek professional help with you, or you are unable to reach a happy decision for your both, then you have to decide whether you want to continue with the relationship or not.

Talliesin

Tridion wrote:

Could he really be happy with sex once a week or is he getting it somewhere else??

Yes, he could be really happy with that. He could also be unhappy with his low drive, but have a low drive all the same.

Deal with the problem the two of you have rather than imagining other ones.

livinginkorea

He seems to train so much so it would definitely take up a lot of his energy. I guess then that when you have sex you end up doing all the work. The fact that he is not affectionate is the more alarming part. Every after a hard day I still love to cuddy and half fall asleep on the couch with my wife. Maybe he's embrassed about doing this or feels it's gay or something? You should take the initative then and start cuddling with him. If you want to have sex with him then make the first move and get him interested. It's what most of us men have to do to our partners! Wear some nice sexy clothes and that will surely get him interested. Surprise sex can really help a relationship.

About the being late home from work, I guess he was just talking to somebody or went for a drink with the lads. Don't start getting too jealous as it will eat at you constantly then.

Best of luck,

-lik

LegacyUser

You think that's bad Op!!
Myself & bf only have sex once every 6-8 weeks & I'm at my wits end.
We don't live together & I know he's not cheating.
He just seems happy with it, or doesn't see it as a big issue, just sees it as one of those things, that's caused due to circumstances.

It's starting to have a big effect on me. I try talking to him about it, but so far he's not taking it serious.

Waht I'd give to have sex with him once a week!

Zulu

Maybe he's on the way out? Training so much, too tired for sex...
Trying to avoid you perhaps?

muboop1

Tridion wrote:

Hi guys,

going anon for this one...

Basically I've been going out with my boyfriend for 2 1/2 years. We moved in together 1 1/2 years ago.

I initially had problems with jealousy due to low self confidence but I managed to sort myself out for the most part. The problems now are:
- we only have sex about once a week, sometimes less (something I don't like). Also sex is not v good.
- My boyfriend is not very affectionate at all, meaning that I feel I am giving him my full attention while he, for example, is sitting staring at the TV. I'm sure someone who knew about body language would have a field day.
- All of his effort seems to go on sport (he would train 7/8 times a week), using this as an excuse for not having sex, saying he's too tired

All of this, unfortunately, is having a negative effect on me. I have noticed my levels of jealousy rising. So if he says he's leaving the office and arrives home an hour later (we live a 5min walk from his work-place), I am starting to wonder where he was - not good!!

I know all men are different but aren't men supposed to have a higher sex drive than women?? Could he really be happy with sex once a week or is he getting it somewhere else??

thanks guys

T

some guys are just like this...as are some girls, but it seems to be more rare among guys...but is possible...dont worry! if you question what he does on way home, ask him! if u have questions or coubts express this to him! if u want "it" more say it to him, talk to him about it...mabey he wants it more but presumes u have a low sex drive so is scared to push it? mabey its just pattern he developed since before yous were living together when the oppourtunitys may of been significantly less?
just talk...most problems can be sorted by talking...

LegacyUser

'Hi, going unreg for this one.

Initially when I saw your post I thought you were my other half and panicked checking the time of post to make sure it wasn't !

Bottom line I feel like the guy in your relationship. Love the other half to bits really do. Had a massive drive when a bit younger, no so much now. Not quite so little as once a week, sometimes I'd be at it all the time but other times it could be once a week. It really does vary.

- I am a little uncomfortable with affection, I don't know why, I wish I wasn't this way. My parents I guess didn't display any affection publicly so maybe thats a factor although it didn't affect my brother or sister, I was the oldest though and the leader of the pack so to speak so I was always big on duty and being strong etc... I couldn't even comfort my dad when his father died like my sister did, I envied her. I just couldn't find the words and felt uncomfortable and I feel like a total sh*t about it to this day. Worse I feel like I am like that with my gf who is the most wonderful bubbly affectionate person I have ever met. I feel like an emotional dead fish. I mean I am not that, but I know thats how I put myself across. I am gruff etc... even when I don't want to be, its like I can't stop myself. She obviously sees beneath it and thats why she is still with me after all this time, but I still wish I could change and can't and don't know why.

- The sex thing can be affected by sport. Some guys give their all to a sport because their conditioning and training up to now has made it into a habit for them. For me its particularly bad this year, I am getting on a bit now and I suppose maybe a bit of panic is setting in that I have to make the most of now whilst I can still achieve my max potential, or regret it forever when its too late to do anything about it. That means I train hard. Sometimes I am out training for hours, its a lonely sport at times mine, and I think of my GF and how I'd rather be back in bed with her snuggled up, but I do the training anyway. I think she understands and thinks its early onset of a midlife crisis and she is probably right. I can't possibly hope for her to be so understanding indefinitely but I need to get it out of my system and then give a little back to her. Sport or training can make you feel better about yourself, especially if for some reason you don't feel particularly good about yourself to begin with.
- It can make you too tired to want sex though, especially if you have a stressful job too. For some people exercise increases drive, I used to do weights years ago and I'd come home ready for action ! If its endurance sports or seriously heavy weights done to exhaustion it can wreck you. I'd like to do it a lot more. With my ex years ago for our first 2 years I reckon we did it every night or very very close to. Nowhere near that with the new one even though she means more to me and is far hotter. I reckon its the training and the stress of the job (I sometimes have it on my mind or just a general feeling of not wanting to go to work the next day because of the mess I will be facing). It just all adds up, that said I force myself into it at times because I don't want it becoming a problem. Other times I get a week where she nearly needs to beat me off her with a bat (again no idea why, no correlation with the exercise)

Anyway, I am rambling, I don't know what the point of all this is, but I guess I just wanted to let you know that your BF doesn't have to be getting it elsewhere, all the issues you mention affect me and I would throw myself in front of a bus for my better half. I wish I could be everything she needs. Sometimes I just don't know how or other things get in the way.'

bostonian

Low sex drive can be a number of things... working too much, boredom with relationship, cheating, other psychological issues...

Wibbs

muboop1 wrote:

some guys are just like this...as are some girls, but it seems to be more rare among guys...but is possible...dont worry!

As some of the replies here have written, things I've read about this before and what my female friends have told me, it's not that rare and I would even go so far as to say in longterm relationships it's just as likely that the man is the one less up for it.

BF2 wrote:

'Hi, going unreg for this one.

Initially when I saw your post I thought you were my other half and panicked checking the time of post to make sure it wasn't !

Bottom line I feel like the guy in your relationship. Love the other half to bits really do. Had a massive drive when a bit younger, no so much now. Not quite so little as once a week, sometimes I'd be at it all the time but other times it could be once a week. It really does vary.

- I am a little uncomfortable with affection, I don't know why, I wish I wasn't this way. My parents I guess didn't display any affection publicly so maybe thats a factor although it didn't affect my brother or sister, I was the oldest though and the leader of the pack so to speak so I was always big on duty and being strong etc... I couldn't even comfort my dad when his father died like my sister did, I envied her. I just couldn't find the words and felt uncomfortable and I feel like a total sh*t about it to this day. Worse I feel like I am like that with my gf who is the most wonderful bubbly affectionate person I have ever met. I feel like an emotional dead fish. I mean I am not that, but I know thats how I put myself across. I am gruff etc... even when I don't want to be, its like I can't stop myself. She obviously sees beneath it and thats why she is still with me after all this time, but I still wish I could change and can't and don't know why.

- The sex thing can be affected by sport. Some guys give their all to a sport because their conditioning and training up to now has made it into a habit for them. For me its particularly bad this year, I am getting on a bit now and I suppose maybe a bit of panic is setting in that I have to make the most of now whilst I can still achieve my max potential, or regret it forever when its too late to do anything about it. That means I train hard. Sometimes I am out training for hours, its a lonely sport at times mine, and I think of my GF and how I'd rather be back in bed with her snuggled up, but I do the training anyway. I think she understands and thinks its early onset of a midlife crisis and she is probably right. I can't possibly hope for her to be so understanding indefinitely but I need to get it out of my system and then give a little back to her. Sport or training can make you feel better about yourself, especially if for some reason you don't feel particularly good about yourself to begin with.
- It can make you too tired to want sex though, especially if you have a stressful job too. For some people exercise increases drive, I used to do weights years ago and I'd come home ready for action ! If its endurance sports or seriously heavy weights done to exhaustion it can wreck you. I'd like to do it a lot more. With my ex years ago for our first 2 years I reckon we did it every night or very very close to. Nowhere near that with the new one even though she means more to me and is far hotter. I reckon its the training and the stress of the job (I sometimes have it on my mind or just a general feeling of not wanting to go to work the next day because of the mess I will be facing). It just all adds up, that said I force myself into it at times because I don't want it becoming a problem. Other times I get a week where she nearly needs to beat me off her with a bat (again no idea why, no correlation with the exercise)

Anyway, I am rambling, I don't know what the point of all this is, but I guess I just wanted to let you know that your BF doesn't have to be getting it elsewhere, all the issues you mention affect me and I would throw myself in front of a bus for my better half. I wish I could be everything she needs. Sometimes I just don't know how or other things get in the way.'

Fair play to this poster for this. Can't have been that easy to write and even harder to deal with at times.

I see your point about the exercise. The weights versus endurance training would make sense as weights would increase testosterone where extreme endurance work would likely deplete it, especially if work stress is added.

Also as men age their testosterone levels drop, quite a bit with some, especially from 35 on(though it varies a lot with individuals). I've also read before that men in longterm relationships can have a fall off in testosterone levels when compared to single men. Makes sense.

For me, if my sex drive was diminishing due to exercise and/or work I would take it as a warning to maybe look closely at the nature of the exercise I was doing and the career path I had chosen. Given how fundamental the reproductive urge is anything that affects that longterm is not good. If either where affecting me at that basic level it cannot be good for my future mental and physical health.

People do vary with their sex drives but any sudden or radical change is worth looking into.

I also agree with you that the OP shouldn't be worried about him getting it elsewhere. As I said I would be more concerned about that if his sex drive suddenly got higher out of the blue.

LegacyUser

'hey,
curiousity is a killer isnt it!!!
the first thing to decide is- are u happy with the rest of the relationship?
if ur not then this is the least of ur problems, but if everything else is fine then try backing off on the affection. sometimes guys need to be given the opportunity to initiate things. id say let him come to u for the next week or two and see how it goes.
let me know'