Is it "it" or not

LegacyUser

Going unreg for this.
I've been with my boyfriend for over 6 years. We have a house together and have been living together for the last 4 years. I love him to bits... he's great to me, all little small things, cooks my dinner every evening because I get home after him, makes me cups of tea, looks after me if i'm sick etc etc

He is absolutely brilliant in those kind of ways. But he has a side to him that I can't change. He hates certain situations... as in he's ok with two of three of my friends that he knows for a while but anyone new or anyone he doesn't know he absolutely, totally and utterly refuses to go out with or have them over to the house. I have a great group of friends in work but because he doesn't know them he won't even contemplate the idea of going out with them, which is fine, I don't have any problem going out with them on my own. But lately i've started thinking long term, as in I know if one of my friends that he doesn't knows gets married, he won't come to the wedding and i'll have to go on my own. I'm on an inter country ladies football panel, and we'll have a social when the season finishes and I know that there's no point in asking him to come because he won't. He's like this with family things too. Not just mine but his aswell. I hate asking him to go to family events because it always ends up in an arguement. I know that it's not because he wants to annoy me, i know it's because he feels uncomfortable but he's so stubborn that he won't give in.
My grandparents have never seen my house because I can't invite them over when he's here. And if I do invite them over and he's not here I know they'll be asking where he is.
I love him so much, I really do. But this side of him bugs me endlessly. I don't mind it so much now. It's just in my head I keep thinking about when I'm 35-40 and have weddings, engagement parties etc etc and I have to go on my own! Am I being unreasonable?

Dalfiatach

No, you're not being unreasonable. He's being weird.

He can't go through life like this, it really isn't healthy, and he really can't expect you too either. He has a problem which impacts badly on his family and long-term girlfriend. He needs to discuss this with a professional. This is nowhere near normal behaviour.

Balmed Out

no, he is. Everyone has insecurities but we strive to overcome them and he should be no different. Explain to him how much it upsets you and that it makes both of ye look a little strange. Im imagining you have done this before but keep at it. Use your womanly nagging abilities and if he's anything like the rest of us you should have him so fed up he will be volunteering to go.

LegacyUser

Balmed Out wrote:

no, he is. Everyone has insecurities but we strive to overcome them and he should be no different. Explain to him how much it upsets you and that it makes both of ye look a little strange. Im imagining you have done this before but keep at it. Use your womanly nagging abilities and if he's anything like the rest of us you should have him so fed up he will be volunteering to go.

God how i've tried that! And for a while it worked. But lately that doesn't even work. It's like, because we're going out so long, and through the honeymoon period and stuff like that he's more stubborn about it. My brothers 21st was in July. He point blank refused to go. I thought I'd get around him kept at him for a week about it. Finally on the day he said he was going home to his place. I asked him what time he'd be back at and he said he didn't know. I said well we're going out tonight so be home for that etc etc Next thing I know, he's odd with me for nagging him about it. He gives me the silent treatment and goes home for the night.

I cant think of what to do! Sometimes I think it's not a big deal, he's so good in every other way that I'll survive. Other times it bugs the absolute **** out of me.

howaya

that's a pity, because if he went along he might genuinely make friends among your gang, and so help himself out of shyness by having more chums. He sounds committed, so I'm sure your friends and colleagues would be friendly towards him and welcome his attendance at do-es. Have come across fellas like this, and it's very hard for them to change, but sounds like all you could do to is explain to him that you miss him not being out with you

It seems a bit immature, tbh. I'm shy with new people and hesistant to talk to friends of friends, but sometimes you just have to make yourself so you don't seem rude. I don't know if I could put up with someone like that. Does he know it's a problem or does he think it's normal to avoid people so much?

Davei141

Does he ever socialise? Maybe its just that hes boring, does prefere to stay at home all the time or ever go out?

Aoife9

Was he always like this? How did you meet him? I mean you must have been new to him when you met first and look at you now still together after 6 years he must have had to 'get over it' to get to know you. Maybe he has some sort of phobia. I wish I had some brilliant advise to give you but I'm afraid I don't hopefully he'll catch himself on before he loses you altogether it would be an awful shame he sounds great otherwise.

Balmed Out

If you cant get him to be more social have you tried getting others to be super friendly and accomodating towards him. He then might be more likely to go to events where he wont know a lot of people if he knows there are a few that he does. You need to fix this its going to hold your life and his back other wise. Good luck.

LegacyUser

Aoife9 wrote:

Was he always like this? How did you meet him? I mean you must have been new to him when you met first and look at you now still together after 6 years he must have had to 'get over it' to get to know you. Maybe he has some sort of phobia. I wish I had some brilliant advise to give you but I'm afraid I don't hopefully he'll catch himself on before he loses you altogether it would be an awful shame he sounds great otherwise.

Don't I know it! It's a tough one!

See the thing is, he's absolutely fine when he makes the effort. He's a mad laugh when he's out and everyone has a lot of time for him. From what I can tell it's more the thought of these things that gets to him. It's like a self esteem thing. He considers himself to be from a lower class family than I am (I know this cuz he's said it to me once or twice when drunk) and I think he's afraid that he'll show himself up. That's my thinking of it anyway.

Davei he does socialise, he's great craic to be out with. But it's always with people he knows and is comfortable around. Getting him out with ppl he doesn't know is just impossible.

Sometimes I don't think I can put up with it anymore and consider finishing it (mostly in the last 6 months) but then he does something that shows me how great he is and I stick it out. I'm really starting to think long term though and it's killing me that this might finish us.

McGinty

Hi Op

Is this the only issue that bugs you about him, I know it is a big one, I ask because if he is great in all other areas then he is worth staying with regardless, could you accept going to events on your own?

Your boyfriend has some serious social issues, it sounds like to me he is extremely nervous and anxious when meeting new people, in other words he has a phobia, I know of another man like this and he is getting professional help for it, and in a nutshell your boyfriend will probably need the same. Having said that you can't force him to get help, he has to want to go and personally I don't think nagging is a good idea because it doesn't work.

The one issue I would put my foot down is inviting people to your house whether he is there or not because you have both contributed to the buying of the house so it is unfair to impose that on him. If people ask questions as to where is he would you consider telling them the truth, that is he is too shy and anxious to meet people.

Another thought comes into my mind, do you hope to marry this man, would he avoid marriage because of this phobia, now that may be a huge issue, or if you both have children, how would he cope with that? I am sorry I am now seeing this as a huge issue. Maybe it is worth raising all these things with him and get him to talk about it. He may feel incredibly stupid because he is like this, so I would suggest going at it gently, as I said the man I know who has the same problem is very hard on himself re: this issue and is always calling himself stupid but he gets paralysed with fear in new social situations.

LegacyUser

McGinty wrote:

Hi Op

Is this the only issue that bugs you about him, I know it is a big one, I ask because if he is great in all other areas then he is worth staying with regardless, could you accept going to events on your own?

Your boyfriend has some serious social issues, it sounds like to me he is extremely nervous and anxious when meeting new people, in other words he has a phobia, I know of another man like this and he is getting professional help for it, and in a nutshell your boyfriend will probably need the same. Having said that you can't force him to get help, he has to want to go and personally I don't think nagging is a good idea because it doesn't work.

The one issue I would put my foot down is inviting people to your house whether he is there or not because you have both contributed to the buying of the house so it is unfair to impose that on him. If people ask questions as to where is he would you consider telling them the truth, that is he is too shy and anxious to meet people.

Another thought comes into my mind, do you hope to marry this man, would he avoid marriage because of this phobia, now that may be a huge issue, or if you both have children, how would he cope with that? I am sorry I am now seeing this as a huge issue. Maybe it is worth raising all these things with him and get him to talk about it. He may feel incredibly stupid because he is like this, so I would suggest going at it gently, as I said the man I know who has the same problem is very hard on himself re: this issue and is always calling himself stupid but he gets paralysed with fear in new social situations.

Really good post! Thanks.

I can see where it comes from because his family life was so different to mine growing up. His dad refuses to go the restaurants even now so I don't think there was ever a real social element in his childhood.

We've spoken about marraige... and basically he doesn't really care about getting married, but i do. He knows this and he's said that if it's what I want then he'll do it and I've told him that I don't expect to get married in Ireland. I know that'd be his idea of hell on earth so a wedding abroad with just family and close friends would be the best option. To be honest i'd probably prefer that anyway! The kids thing is a big issue. We had decided that we weren't going to have any. But after a discussion a few months ago we decided that we might have one in the future (this was actually his idea!) but the more I think about it I don't know how he'll handle it! I mean there's so much involved in it. Obviously with a baby involved we'd be considered "a family" so more would be expected of him.

There is no question of him getting professional help. I know the reaction it would get if I even suggested it! I wish he would, but I know he won't.

Carrigart Exile

Balmed Out wrote:

no, he is. Everyone has insecurities but we strive to overcome them and he should be no different. Explain to him how much it upsets you and that it makes both of ye look a little strange. Im imagining you have done this before but keep at it. Use your womanly nagging abilities and if he's anything like the rest of us you should have him so fed up he will be volunteering to go.

keep up the nagging, that helps men love you so much more:rolleyes:

ali.c

I am not getting from your posts that he understands how big an issue this is for you. I dont think telling him that it makes the both of you look strange is the way to go, tbh i think if he is seriously nervous it would likely worsen the problem. I think though if you are looking for a partner, then that person should be somewhat involved in your life. Socialising may not be a big thing for him, but as its an important part of your life he should at least know the people you are socialising with. Explain that to him and then you could suggest inviting a few people over, and see how he reacts to it.

You say the reaction you would get to broaching the topic of professional help would be negative, but if this issue is affecting you as much as you say it is then maybe making the suggestion couldnt hurt. i would imagine this is affecting his life too and maybe he is also unhappy with it.

Zirconia

There isn't a lot of information about your boyfriend outside this particular issue, but I suspect from what you are saying he dosent have a circle of friends of his own either, does he? If this were true, there might be a possibility that he has Aspergers Syndrome, the behaviour you describe certainly fits one of the characteristics, and if this is the case, there isn't a lot he can do about it (and seeing a professional won't make it any better I'm afraid). If it were true, then he's not being unreasonable, it's not as simple as that. Look up the details and see if there are other characteristics that might apply to him.

LegacyUser

'He does have his own circle of friends but he's the same with them. He's no bother going out if it's just the lads but if one of them invited him out with a group of ppl he doesn't know he's likely to say no. Thanks a mill for the info but I don't think it's Aspergers Syndrome. He doesn't have many of the symptoms listed for it, although I might just be in denial!

Update at the moment is... I think that a few of you are right. I don't think he knows what a big deal it is to me, so i'm going to make sure he does know. I don't want to bring it up totally out of the blue and have him say "ya, ya fine, I understand" so i'm waiting for something to come up so I can sit him down and tell him that I want him there and that it is a big deal to me, and see what he says to that.

I have a sports social at the start of November. I would love for him to be there. But we have a massive holiday planned for the following week, it's after costing us a fortune so i'm not sure if the sports social is the moment to have a stand off. I might wait until christmas and see what comes up then and see what he says when I sit him down. What do you guys think?'