lost love

blooeyes

Don't know where to start really, i have been friends with a guy for 10yrs now and he lives other side of world, when we met 10yrs ago we did get together but it fizzled out and then he went home. but we stayed in touch by phone/letter then msn and email. he came over a few yrs ago and he stayed with me for a week and it was platonic. he then came over again recently and stayed with me again but we slept together and it was great, we have txt each other and he calls me babe and sweetie etc, but now i think i have fallen for him all over again, he'l be going home soon and i really am going to miss him. i have asked him to stay (jokingly) but he won't, he says we good together and he could see himself and me working out if we didnt live on opposite sides of the world. i just feel so sad now and wish in a way we had left it platonic as this hurts to much!!! Don't really know what advice i'm asking for, maybe how do i move on?, as i suppose that is my only option. Just seems such a waste. thanks anyway for reading

bronte

That's a tough one, I feel for you.

If it were me I would have to meet him and tell him exactly how I felt about him.

I know you said you jokingly told him he should stay and got a negative response..but I would actually have to lay it on the line and tell him how I felt.

At least then you will know how he really feels.

There is nothing worse than regret....believe me.

Best of luck.

Aura

I think whoever comes up with an ironclad solution to moving on would be solving one of the greatest mysteries of the world. All I can say is be honest with him about how you're feeling without passing it off as a joke but be prepared to have to step back from things for a while if it's not reciprocated. One saving grace is that he is not in your daily life so it will make it easier should that be the way it goes.

Good luck.

A.

Limestone1

So in 10 years, was there anyone else or have you been clinging on ? Did you wait all this time for this guy ? If you did and now that it has happened should you not move hell and high water to make sure you stay together? Whether that means him hanging around for you or you following him .....

blooeyes

Thanks for replies so far, no i havnt been hanging on for him, i have met other people over the years, i really thought we were now just friends but this time something happened!!! But i havnt been in a serious relationship for a while now and do wonder if i am latching onto him because of this or do i really have feelings for him, it feels real. We have talked and he is adament he couldnt live this side of the world, and i couldnt move there as have a daughter of 15. And have never been to australia so wouldnt even know if i could live there, cant do the flight anyway!!!!!! thanks again

bronte

God, that's hard...try and weigh up how deeply you feel about him...and in your mind if it's worth it, tell him what's going on in your head.

milkerman

Hi Bloo Eyes
You did the bf / gf thing with this man before and it 'fizzled out'. What do you think has changed in the last 10 years that would cause it to work this time round.
I dont want to be harsh, but ... Men do not have to love you to have sex with you, some men are good at telling you what you want to hear -chat up lines or even 'we would be good together etc' as a means of getting sex..
The point is this, if this guy was into you you wouldnt have to ask him to stay.
Tell him the way you are thinking. From the tone of your post I dont think it would be good for you to keep up a platonic relationship with him, this will just eat away at you. Talk straight to him, if something good comes of it great, if not then you just have to move on and forget about him.
Hope it all works out for you.

blooeyes

it fizzled out first time around because i was scared so finished with him, he was only going to stay 6mnths and i was scared of getting hurt, turned out he went back soon after we finished, also at the time there was someone else in my head who i did get back with after this one left, but that didnt work out either!!! we have been in contact ever since so think we have got to know each other very well, we know everything about each other, dont feel strange with him, can say anything. don't think he said those things just for sex, he says he's upset too but he has his life there and mine here, just very confused, he goes back tues!!! but i'm here in ireland and he's in uk at mo so said my face to face goodbye weds wen i came home.

Latchy

Hi, Becoming attached to this person as you have seems to have left you both in a no mans land and it would be a lot easy for you to deal with if you both lived in the same city or country ..i know the feeling of becoming atached to sombody over a period and then losing them ......letting go is the hardest thing to do ,but somtimes their is no other option ....all the best

SarahSassy

Im in the same boat as you to a certain extent. Met an American guy over here about 3 years ago at a mutual friend's wedding.. I can truly say that I absolutely adore him. We have it all - chemistry, similar interests, sense of humour etc etc etc

Problem - he lives there and loves where he lives and I live here.. We have met a good few times over the years, the longest we have gone without contact since we met is about 1 week and all guys are measured up to him. It used to break my heart to say goodbye to him but the last time I saw him I had decided that I could not live there and he would not fit in here.... We are still in touch and I am going over again soon but not sure if I will stay with him this time - it just hurts too much to leave....

I am not able to give advice because I am not 'managing' this either but I do think that in your case, you simply CANNOT move, as you have a child here so you have to put it out of your mind.. I am trying dating and think that someday I will meet someone who turns my head enough to make me 'forget' about him.. Just think positive, focus on him as a friend and try to meet others and move on....

milkerman

Blooeyes (& Sarah)
From a male perspective. You dont meet 'the one' every day of the week. When I did, I was willing to change my life to be with this woman. I changed job, country (for a while) everything, so I could be with her.
If I was an American or Australian, and I met a woman in Ireland that I really wanted - I would be staying in Ireland & to hell with Californian sunshine (or the outback). Or maybe I'm just a romantic.:o
I think you have both fallen for guys that maybe have not fallen for you (to the same extent).
In these days of equality, would either of you consider moving? If not, then maybe you aren't as smitten as you think!
Good luck & good times to both of you.

Latchy

I agree with your comments milkerman ,if they (sarah and bloo) wont /cant go to them and they (guys) wont/ cant come to them , then there is really no point in wishing and hoping somthings going to happen .....seems a simple enough view i know, but what other option is there ?

SarahSassy

Well, I have thought of all angles of this situation have come to no conclusion....

I already have experienced moving country for somone and that relationship didnt work out so I have been burnt in that regard and it has made me less interested in taking the risk again. I have also recently (in the past 2 years) bought a house, moved job, moved city etc etc and the thought of starting over again and being reliant (once again) on another person in a new country is not appealing for me... This does not mean that I have weaker feelings for him than you do for your gf. Not all people are willing to give up everything to be with someone on the far side of the world. I think that for me, the risk of giving up everything here and it not working with him is too much for me....

I guess it all depends on personal circumstances and what life has dealt so far...

As it stands I have effectively moved on, have been seeing other people and know that in the future 'Mr Right' who lives closer than 4,000 miles away will appear.

milkerman

Just make sure you dont have to use the M50 to reach him!

In any relationship, we give up independance and often the creature comforts to be with the one you love - and you dont begrudge one bit of it!
Houses, jobs etc are necessities but will not make you happy in the long run. Sarah, I hear what you say and you have some basis for your decision but...

BTW My foreign exploits lead to a dramatic & nasty bust up. I came back to Ireland, met someone else and did exactly the same thing again. Just substitute Galway for Spain. On the balance, Spain was better!

SarahSassy

I do agree with you....

I guess that the OP needs to see from this that its doesnt always work.... Decisions have to be made and stood by and you have to get on with life.... She has no choice about moving, I do and I am not willing to. That's my sacrifice and in years to come (if Mr Right Here doesnt apprear) I may regret it but the decision is right for me right now.....

milkerman

Anyhow, why would the foreign Mr Right not be willing to come over here to live, as I did? Perhaps he is not that smitten.
I gave up lots because she was worth it. Long term did not work out but at least I wont suffer regret when I'm old. I would do it all again in exactly the same way, but I was smitten!

SarahSassy

Obviously he isn't either - in your book!!! My point is, and you seem to be missing it, that some people can feel as strongly as you did about your ex and not feel able / willing to move country....

You seem to have this high moral ground because you moved to be with your ex.... In my world, love does not conquer all!!! At this stage in my life, my security, and enjoyable life here is Ireland is more important to me than moving half way around the world for a relationship that may not work.... My point to OP was that I have strong feelings for someone, who lives abroad and I am accepting we will never be together so I am getting on with life.

milkerman

some people can feel as strongly as you did about your ex and not feel able / willing to move country....

I dont accept that Sarah, perhaps substitute 'arsed' for 'able'! You can always buy a return ticket!

You seem to have this high moral ground because you moved to be with your ex....

Me? High moral ground? Jeez you dont know me. It was just a question of priorities for me at the time.

In my world, love does not conquer all!!! At this stage in my life, my security, and enjoyable life here is Ireland is more important to me than moving half way around the world for a relationship that may not work.... My point to OP was that I have strong feelings for someone, who lives abroad and I am accepting we will never be together so I am getting on with life.[/QUOTE]

I think loving someone is more than strong feelings.
But that is just me.
Hope I didnt screw up the quotes in this post.:D

SarahSassy

milkerman wrote:

I dont accept that Sarah, perhaps substitute 'arsed' for 'able'! You can always buy a return ticket!

I take offense that you are telling me, after many months of hurt and confusion, that I cant be 'arsed' to move..... And you say you dont sit up on that high moral ground. My contribution to this subject is now closed.

milkerman

No offence was intended.
I am sorry if my views have hurt you.
Nobody has a lease on the high moral ground.

blooeyes

thanks for all your replies, it has been a difficult week and he is now home in australia, we have been txting each other all thro the day and night. tonite he txt and said he cant stop thinking of me so he said he's gonna work hard till august and then move over!!!! i'm delighted!!! this was his choice i just let him know how i felt and he felt same, so hopefully all going well we will be together very soon!!! thanx again for all you replies

bronte

That's amazing!! I'm so happy for you! I hope it all works out...Tis always best to be honest about your feelings

Girrrrseach

wow OP, Congratulations - - - Lovely thread to have picked up and read! Renewed my faith in this whole thing we call love!

milkerman

That is GREAT news!
Good for you both.

SarahSassy

Blooeyes, how are the plans coming on?

blooeyes

hi, the plans are coming along great, he's now coming over in March. But i keep trying to persuade him to come earlier, keep working my charm. But he's adament he needs some money behind him which is fair enough i suppose. But i miss him and wish he was here, but he will be soon and that's better than where i was a month and half ago!! So all going well he will be living with me in March, and god help us as neither of us has lived with anyone for over 10yrs!! But will be fun (hopefully). So thank you for your interest and hope things for you turn out well too.

milkerman

This guy sounds like the real deal. Of course he needs to get some cash together, you would soon get tired of a freeloader.
Now you have a really good reason to look forward to Spring!