How to relax?!

Unreg1204

Hi. Ok, not sure how to explain but basically I can't relax during sex. I'm a girl and have started seeing a guy I've known with a long time, I trust him and like him very much, and enjoy being with him. But still I can't relax. I've never come. (I mean never ever, not just with this guy) Sometimes come close but I can't allow myself to or something?!!!?

Is this really unusual?
Does anyone have any tips as to how to clear my mind and make myself relax instead of having my mind racing throughout the whole experience! I really want things to work with him and I know it's completely me who has the issue here as it's been said to me before...

Knockoff Nige

To give a guy advice on this I'd recommend a few brandy's beforehand. Not sure if this would apply to a girl.

Unreg1204

Knockoff Nige wrote:

To give a guy advice on this I'd recommend a few brandy's beforehand. Not sure if this would apply to a girl.

I still can't relax, even when I'm drunk!

AckwelFoley

Knockoff Nige wrote:

To give a guy advice on this I'd recommend a few brandy's beforehand. Not sure if this would apply to a girl.

In there just before me.


You need to relax because it makes sex not very fun.

I suggest more foreplay. I imagine you are not spending enough time at it. There is no quick fix really, you two need to have some foreplay for perhaps uo to an hour or as long as it takes for you to relax,, if you rush into the sex you will be tence. As a guy id rather there was no need for foreplay, and go straight to the good bit but your boyfriend needs to remember that sex is a 2 person activity. (single player is not much fun )

Take it easy, its supposed to be fun

pwd

Might be worth trying valerian, though I've no idea if it would help

Oryx

The main thing is to take your focus off reaching orgasm. For now, just enjoy the ride, so to speak. One thing guaranteed to put you off coming, is thinking too much about coming.

Can you make yourself come on your own? If yes, then you have something to work on with your partner. Use whatever youre doing yourself with him. If not, you need to experiment and find out what works for you. A vibrator might be an idea.

Marksie

Unreg1204 wrote:

Hi. Ok, not sure how to explain but basically I can't relax during sex. I'm a girl and have started seeing a guy I've known with a long time, I trust him and like him very much, and enjoy being with him. But still I can't relax. I've never come. (I mean never ever, not just with this guy) Sometimes come close but I can't allow myself to or something?!!!?

Is this really unusual?
Does anyone have any tips as to how to clear my mind and make myself relax instead of having my mind racing throughout the whole experience! I really want things to work with him and I know it's completely me who has the issue here as it's been said to me before...

For a start, do you come when you masturbate?
If you do can you think of why you dont with a partner.

Are you for example, in your own head? are you straining to muhc to reach orgasm that it becomes tha goal to be reached rather than something whihc is a pleasant surprise.
KtK essentially said it.

Are you entirely comfortable with your partner.

Are you focussed too much on penetrative interciourse to the exclusion of full arousal?

Go back to the basics of touch, exploration and learning and not necessarily about the genital area, there are so many erogenous zones that you can achieve an ecstatic state without any genital stimulation whatsoever.

By focussing solely on foreplay as the be all and ene all and not orgasm as the ultimate goal, has mamny advanages in that it brings you to a high arousal state, relaxes you further and makes you more comfortable and trusting of you partner.

I would recommend that both of you try some simple meditative techniques togetherm this drops you into the now. Helps calm the mind and allows the bodes own responses to take over.

I would not recommend the use of spirits but limit alcohol two a glass of wine or two enjoyed throughout the evening. Alcohol is a two edged sword in that it may relax, but will dull the ecstatic response, the perceptions and Judgement

Unreg1204

I've never come when masturbating either....oh dear I may have a bit of a problem?! I don't know, I guess the fact that I am terribly self conscious doesn't help.

Wibbs

When you are on your own then just remember that it's hard to be self conscious of yourself and try to let go. It may take a while to fully relax and let go, but it will happen. Try not to stop yourself as the feelings get more intense. When you finally get there on your own then it's time to bring the BF into the equation. That will be easier after you found you own route to orgasm.

Talliesin

Knockoff Nige wrote:

To give a guy advice on this I'd recommend a few brandy's beforehand. Not sure if this would apply to a girl.

It applies equally to women. Being bad advice in both cases.

OP. It's not easy to relax about anything once you've made it into a bit of an issue. One thing that can help is to try and forget about what you are doing and concentrate on the effects it's having on your partner. Don't worry about your orgasms and enjoy the different ways you can give him one - but do enjoy it; there's no point just having something else to worry about.

If you manage to achieve orgasm from masturbating then that would indeed make it more likely for you to do so with someone else.

Also, try masturbating when you are tired, not with orgasm as a goal but just to gently enjoy relatively mild stimulation of your clitoris as you are going to sleep. Enjoying this could help you find such stimulation going better with a relaxed mental state than you currently find.

Apart from that if you haven't already done so, do spend some time experimenting with e.g. whether you prefer pressure on your clitoral hood to your clitoris itself, and where, how fast/hard/moist you like your fingers to be and so on. With a bit of luck experimenting around what you do when masturbating rather than just going for what you've found to be reliable for getting a pleasant sensation may hit on some improvements that will be good both there and then and also with your partner.

pretty-in-pink

Don't getcaught up in finishing the race, enjoy the scenery as you go around. If you focus on you coming, or similar, then it becomes far to pressured for you to let go and enjoy yourself.

You couldtry shutting off a coupleof senses,and see if that heightens the sensations- sight,sound etc,leaving you more aware of tactile issues, and heighteneing the pleasure from them.

Also,weirdly, sometimes it helps if you don't love the person- because then you don't feel bad if you don't come. Live for the moment,the rest will happen in its on time.

Marksie

pretty-in-pink wrote:

You couldtry shutting off a coupleof senses,and see if that heightens the sensations- sight,sound etc,leaving you more aware of tactile issues, and heighteneing the pleasure from them.

cutting off sight would be best. There is a simple but really exquisite tantric ceremony called the sensory awakening ritual. You are blinfolded then you and/ or your partner can awaken each sense in turn. Touch, light fingers, breath or feathers. Sound: little bells. Smell: essential oil or light perfume and taste: fruit and ending with chocolate.
i would tend to do this for three times with each sense and really take my time. It does awaken the senses to a higher degree.
If you are doing this with a partner and he is perfroming the ceremony, then it can be very arousing as well as great fun for the giver. After he has done it to you ,you do it to him. You will find it will make you more relaxed and comfortable with each other as well.
Also when you are masturbating, dont just go straight for the genitals, take time to explore the whole body surface and enjoy the feelings that different areas and pressure can bring.
Then do it to your b/friend and vice versa.
Learn about yourself and your own ecstatic response then bring your b/friend into thee equation.

pretty-in-pink

Marksie wrote:

cutting off sight would be best. There is a simple but really exquisite tantric ceremony called the sensory awakening ritual. You are blinfolded then you and/ or your partner can awaken each sense in turn. Touch, light fingers, breath or feathers. Sound: little bells. Smell: essential oil or light perfume and taste: fruit and ending with chocolate.
i would tend to do this for three times with each sense and really take my time. It does awaken the senses to a higher degree.
If you are doing this with a partner and he is perfroming the ceremony, then it can be very arousing as well as great fun for the giver. After he has done it to you ,you do it to him. You will find it will make you more relaxed and comfortable with each other as well.
Also when you are masturbating, dont just go straight for the genitals, take time to explore the whole body surface and enjoy the feelings that different areas and pressure can bring.
Then do it to your b/friend and vice versa.
Learn about yourself and your own ecstatic response then bring your b/friend into thee equation.

OP, Marksies and Tallies advice is prob the best advice you'll find when it comes to sex stuff. Even if you can't do whats suggested above in its entirity, then at least try the blindfold thing, and involve some of the food stuff, vanilla icecream is always fun, and it has aprohdiesic (sp?) so you get to enjoy his reaction, and get the yummy taste, and have it done back. little things like that really heighten the whole event, make it go from good to great etc