Stuck in a moment I cant get out of

LegacyUser

Hi guys, Its a long story so i dont want to go into what exactly has happened but to cut a long story short I have fallen out with a few work colleagues (ironically while socialising over the past few months)

Basically we all used to be friends but something happened which resulted in me having a problem with one of these persons and a couple of the others deciding to involve themselves for no reason but not on my side of the fence of course.

Now to be honest its all very childlike behaviour on their part and I really dont give a toss about them never mind be their friends anymore - MY problem is that i have to work with them in the same office with this pack of "wolves" . I really am dreading having to go into work tomorrow morning and face it, watch them as they whisper and have a giggle, feel the eyes on my back everywhere I go.

Its vital for my career that I stay where I am until next year and as much as I dont want these idiots to jeopradise my future I really dont know how I can face working in this atmosphere with these horrible people for a whole year.

Im 26 and do not have time for this kind of schoolyard bull**** so I was wondering does anyone have any advice on how to approach things? My first thought is that I try to go into work , hold my head up high, get on with my job and not take notice of these bullies - is there anything else I can do?

My head is a mess as I wish i could just start a new in the place and keep daylight between myself and this bunch, hindsight is a beautiful thing!


I would love some advice:)

Andy

Glowing

OP, are you intimidated by these people?

You just have to get on with it. They're only work colleagues - hold your head up and ignore them. Get on with your job and remain professional. If there are any snide remarks, have a response ready to throw back at them.

It would probably help if we had some idea of what started all this. If you were friends initially - it must have been something big to kill this relationship .... can you not take it up with the instigator and just have it out with him? You can't really hold a grudge for a whole year. It'll make your work life unnecessarily stressful.

How Strange

OP, I take it that as your name is Andy that these people are guys? It really sounds like women though. Very bitchy clicky behaviour.

Have had experience of this myself and I've found that if you ignore them for a while they will lose interest. They will only keep it up if they can see you are bothered by it. Easier said than done but unless you want to escalate to HR (which I wouldn't advise unless it gets serious and very personal) then try to keep away from them as much as possible.

Its very childish behaviour but I bet they will lose interest soon if they see that you are not being bothered/upset by them.

axer

OP: Give us an idea what happened to cause the fallout.

LegacyUser

'Thanks,

To be honest I have'nt detailed exactly what the root of the problem is because Im afraid that someone involved will recognise the issue on boards and although theres a very slim chance of this IF that were to happen it would not do me any good in terms of them knowing how I feel about it (annoyed)

It involves a guy and 2 girls.

The problem first started some months ago with the guy. I dealt with the situation very maturely and kept everything to myself to save him (both of us!) the embarrassment and unecessary awrkwardness around the office. But soon enough I noticed a couple of people acting unusually around me and then found out that the reason for this was that he had decided to give his side of the story on what happened to one or two people.

Now its very hard to explain this without giving any details but basically in NO way had I done anything wrong but the way i genuinely saw it was that :

'I'm the bigger person here, this guy is pathetic and because people know what a sound,honest guy I am I dont feel the need to have to confide in anyone about what happened. People can make their own minds up and d'you know what if it IS the case where something inaccurate has been told and my supposed "friends" in the office were not going to show me support or ask my side then thats a shame on them and Im better off without people like that in my life'

But sure enough this is unfortunatly more or less what happened.

And it all came out on a recent night out, we were all there, I minded my own business and stayed clear of a certain pack of 'wolves' as I saw them whom had been unusually close to each other this night while unusually keeping their distance from me all of a sudden (remember at this stage the girls were still my 'friends'). But a few drinks later and things were said, at first I tried to diffuse the situation saying I dont want to talk about any of it (can of worms) and tried to walk away but what it must have looked like was an episode in a schoolyard - 3 bullies whispering to each other and me at the bar wondering what in the hell do the other two think theyre playing at involving themselves in what I thought was old news.

Anyway it was closing time, we left the pub and after a minutes stand off the 3 of them walked one way and a couple of the guys from the office came over to say sorry but they were going to follow the others and didnt want to be involved. I respected them for coming over to say this but at the same time they really shouldnt have gone with these 3 after what had happened either.

They can easily have things revolve around them in work. People in there really like me and I know this but Im worried its going to become untennable sitting beside these evil bstards for a year knowing theyre all bitching behind my back whilst trying to 'convert others'.

Im glad Im no longer on any kind of terms with these people but what I AM upset about is that these people are affecting my future by childishly becoming involved and bringing crap into my workplace - this is all something which I had no control over and the worst thing of all. I did'nt do anything wrong which might seem a bit fetched considering the reaction its caused but trust me I WISH I could post what happened here...I know the whole of boards would be backing me on it but the truth is that this guy is a liar these people are in my opinion even worse for believeing him and worse again for standing by him and worse again for getting involved-makes me sick'

Slutmonkey57b

Was the initial problem a work issue or a personal one? If it's a work issue I'd go to someone in the company and expose him, since he's damaging your reputation in the company. If it's personal I'd just wait for an opportunity to tell the whole group (ie in another socialising situation) what went on, and leave it at that. People make up their own minds, you can't force them to change.

LegacyUser

I wish it was a work issue I really do but its actually personal, very serious and very personal !

Thanks for the reply, the thing is I dont want any of these people to change.

I feel so betrayed by them and sick to the stomach that any of them could think it be ok to treat me in the way that they have. I never want to speak with them or spend another second thinking about what they have done but thats exactly where the problem lies. How can I ever forget about what has happened when I must face these people every day for the next year? it just seems like such a long road ahead.

I suppose when I think of my previous posts I really dont know what advice I would give someone else with such a problem. Be a man, hold your head up high and dont let these idiots ruin your career - thats all I can think about positively but im hoping just HOPING that I can make this a reality and not let them turn my working days into a living nightmare !

curiousxxx1

officeworker wrote:

I wish it was a work issue I really do but its actually personal, very serious and very personal !
I suppose when I think of my previous posts I really dont know what advice I would give someone else with such a problem. Be a man, hold your head up high and dont let these idiots ruin your career - thats all I can think about positively but im hoping just HOPING that I can make this a reality and not let them turn my working days into a living nightmare !

Right!!! I reckon in your office you have superiors that you all report to. Be brave, ignore the cat calls. Talk to them if you have to and if they are rude, snippy in responding accelerate it with the boss. At the end of the day everyone is paid to work and not talk. You would eventually make new friends and this would just a phase in your life.
Cheer up it’s not the end of the world.:)

King of Kings

dude - i think you should stand up to them. call their bluff on front of the office. ask him wtf is he twisting the story for and turn on the 2 girls and ask them what business is it of theirs. you'll achieve two things by this. show them all to be the flutes that they are and remove their ammunition. If everybody knows that you know that they know - their gossip is useless (and will become tedious)

Admittedly this course of will take courage and a sense of purpose to see though - if you are not up to that
you can report them (not always a good option cos management can be crap at this) or leave. It cannot be the only employer for your career,

But you've done nothing wrong so Id advocate standing up to them - but do it in public with witnesses and make that scene. embarrass them and make them look stupid.
good luck.

WindSock

Keep your professional relationship professional. Try to keep your head down and get your work done. If you feel that your peers are causing a hindrance to your working environment, then report it. You said there are other people that you work with that back you up? Then only socialise with them at lunch etc. Keep your face with the rest and act cool but civil. The first couple of weeks will feel tense, but it will get easier in time. I don't know what the Guy did to you, but if it is serious and involves breaking the law and you being intimidated, then you know there are trained professionals you can talk to about how to cope.

tritium

Op, my sympathies, I've had experiences in the past where colleagues playing nasty games put me in an awkward spot. Difference I guess was i got people on side fairly quickly because i figured where it was heading. Best advice I can give for future, though you've probably worked this out by now, is that sometimes it's better to ignore the concern for the awkwardness you worry someone else will feel, especially if they're likely to manipulate the situation to their advantage (and your detriment)

Meantime all i can suggest is that, no matter how difficult it may seem, HR are your only bet on this one. If, as you say, you've done nothing wrong, then they can at least take steps to deal with the bullying you're suffering now. Personal issues are unfortunately always difficult in a work environment, and sadly, unlike in other environments, you can't simply walk away from the person if they turn out to be a nasty piece of work. one upside of HR involvement is that at least it forces the whole thing out so that maybe there's a bit more clarity available to people who may be taking the other blokes word as gospel at the moment.

Bear in mind that unpleasant as it may be to have a lot of this stuff landing aroud you in the short term with HR involvement, its better than a long term poisoning of the atmosphere you have to work in. It might also be helpful if you have a workmate you can confide in. HR may also be able to provide some counselling sessions, which can be a great help. Certainly its good to be able to unload some of the stress if it gets too much

Good luck with it

LegacyUser

'hi OP, i can identify 100% with where u are at here. I was like u at your age but unfortunately people in general are very disappointing. they will continue to disappoint u until u will relaise that there are actually very few people that actually even care a little about u. u should keep your good faith in people for the people that are really close to u only.
Now u empower these work colleagues and give them power over u when in fact they really should be completely irrelevent.
when you are in work try to focus on the good things in your life and put your energy into the people that are dear to u. like for example a little text of appreciation to your mum or a wasap to your best mate or a word or encouragement to a loved one thats having a rough time atm.
If ever someone is interested in your side of the story u can spit it out in a matter of fact way, lifes too short ;O)'

LegacyUser

'They sound like assholes. You're 26. Stay above the fray, behave normally towards everyone and everybody, laugh it off. Don't mention it. Don't talk about it. Walk around the office whistling to yourself. At every social situation become the most talkative, most straightforward bloke going. Have a good time.

These people obviously have nothing better to do. If they see you're not affected and you laugh at them for their behaviour it will soon lose it's appeal.

But at all costs stay above it. Don't get involved.'

LegacyUser

'Reading between the lines; this guy is gay and made a pass at you while drunk. He is twisting the story somehow and the two girls (possible fag hags judging by the way they're acting) are siding with him. Am I close ?

Don't let one guy and 2 girls bully you anyway, tell them to f*ck off.'

LegacyUser

'No thats not exactly what happened ha, I WISH that was it too though!!

Im sorry I cant tell the story of what happened by the way I realise that it is very frustrating but there was no way I was going to consider posting these events and I desperatly needed advice, I hope you can all appreciate this!

....and by the way thanks to you guys i've got some-advice.

Seriously This is more or less what I wanted to hear, its good advice and the only sensible mature way of going about it it seems is ignoring them.

I was speaking to someone senior I trust from work last night on the phone and he has heard the word theyre passing around (already) about what happened-he said he was staying out of it which I respect but told me that he fully backed me and sympathised with me that I had landed in this situation with these immature people which I could do nothing about.This was music to my ears because it was one opinion which I could take serious!

it seems that most people in this type of environment dont want to know the facts or both sides of the story, in fact its almost as if they WANT to believe the bull**** exagerrated version and run around btching about it-but to be honest in a way Im glad this crap has happened because its helpoed me realise these are EXACTLY the type of people that I just dont want to know or have around me.
Thanks everyone'

small

Your superior sounds like a hypocrite, someone can't "back you" and "not get involved" at the same time. If workplace nastiness is escalating to the point where a superior, such as himself, hears about it on the grapevine, I would say it demands attention from a higher source. He's the superior, he should have some back bone and manage the situation if he believes it to be wrong. Sounds like he's intimidated by this little coven too.

I sympathise with your situation (and would back you if we were in the same workplace).