No best friends

LegacyUser

Hi !

I'm a 29yr old dublin guy. Funny, outgoing, loves to party and go out. But I have never felt so lonely in my life. I have quite a lot of good friends and aquintances and a few different crews I'd hang out with depending on what the weekend has in store for me. I get on really well with everybody but lately have realised that I have no "best" friends anymore.

Any of the guys I grew up with and know the longest are all on their way to getting married, or bought houses, having kids etc. They dont go out anymore so socially we have grown apart, and none of us are as close as we used to be.

I find myself missing the closeness of having one or two "best" mates. Somebody to ring when im down or just be close to if you know what I mean.

Its starting to upset me more and more these days, and because of that sometimes I'm not as confident when I'm out as I used to be and that sometimes makes me uncomfortable around the friends I do have at the moment.

Maybe I just need to vent but I dont know how to fix the situation.

Any thoughts ?

Miss Fluff

no_best_mate wrote:

Any of the guys I grew up with and know the longest are all on their way to getting married, or bought houses, having kids etc. They dont go out anymore so socially we have grown apart, and none of us are as close as we used to be.

Doesn't necessarily mean they still don't care OP, you have to make the effort too. You have to keep in touch, just because they have "moved on" doesn't mean they no longer need friendship and closeness outside their relationship.

Elessar

I've found that when you are a kid you tend to become best mates with people who will be your best friends for life. You make and loose friends all through life but from my experience the only true "best" friends you ever have are the ones you make in school. Sorry to be so negative but I just think that "best" mates can't really be made once you leave your younger years. Of course there are exceptions (no doubt someone will chime in here) but in the majority of cases peoples best friends are the ones they made when in school or maybe college.

As you get older I think your lovers tend to replace a lot of the qualities best friends have.

It's sad in a way but that's life.

howaya

think that lots of chaps could say the same. With regard to 'fixing' the situation, I think it's a matter of reviving some friendships and striking up some new ones too. Maybe it's a wake-up call to nurture friendships rather than just going with the flow of whatever you're up to on a given weekend? You could gently set about reviving some of the friendships that you've allowed to lapse in the past few years - try to meet these guys at their level:in suburbia if necessary! - rather than necessarily inviting them out on the tear. I'd say you'd renew a few friendships that way. If you make an effort with them one-to-one, I'd say they'll respond positively to that. You said that you did various things at the weekend. If you are interested in the people that you're around on the weekend, and given that you are a swell chap yourself, that should give you a potential pool of buddies :-)
all the best with it.

kowloon

Elessar wrote:

I've found that when you are a kid you tend to become best mates with people who will be your best friends for life. You make and loose friends all through life but from my experience the only true "best" friends you ever have are the ones you make in school. Sorry to be so negative but I just think that "best" mates can't really be made once you leave your younger years. Of course there are exceptions (no doubt someone will chime in here) but in the majority of cases peoples best friends are the ones they made when in school or maybe college.

As you get older I think your lovers tend to replace a lot of the qualities best friends have.

It's sad in a way but that's life.

A mighty depressing nugget of truth there Elessar

DublinWriter

no_best_mate wrote:

Maybe I just need to vent but I dont know how to fix the situation.

Any thoughts ?

Have a string of short, but meaningful relationships with wimmin.

My three best buddies are ex's. I certainly would find it hard to talk to a guy about some of the stuff I talk to them about. Women usually have a lot more insight and are better listeners.

The guy mates I have are there for pints and rilbald talk mainly.

scruff321

i sympathise with you man,it is important to have atleast 1 or 2 ppl that you know you can count on out there no matter what,but like wat has been said before you need to rekindle these friendships with those ppl you've known for years..

How Strange

Elessar... Sorry to be so negative but I just think that "best" mates can't really be made once you leave your younger years. Of course there are exceptions (no doubt someone will chime in here) but in the majority of cases peoples best friends are the ones they made when in school or maybe college.

As you get older I think your lovers tend to replace a lot of the qualities best friends have.

I totally disagree with this so I will chime in here. You can make best friends at any time in your life. Obviously you met yours when you were in school but jaysus your depressing post would be enough to send the OP over the edge.

OP, make a bit of an effort with your friends. Phone them up, meet them during the week for a pint after work. OK so the dynamic of your relationship might have changed as you get older, gf's come on the scene, and people move in together etc but that doesn't mean you are left behind.

I think you are maybe feeling alittle too sorry for yourself at the moment. You're single, your friends are in relationships and you think you've been left behind. Maybe they aren't in touch like they used to be and they are being complacent but keeping up contact is a two way thing.

I think real friendship, regardless of when you met etc, is about being able to overcome obstacles and not losing contact no matter what. The friends you have through life are the ones that you will always make the effort to stay in touch with but sometimes you have to be the one to initiate the contact.

newestUser

Elessar wrote:

I've found that when you are a kid you tend to become best mates with people who will be your best friends for life. You make and loose friends all through life but from my experience the only true "best" friends you ever have are the ones you make in school. Sorry to be so negative but I just think that "best" mates can't really be made once you leave your younger years. Of course there are exceptions (no doubt someone will chime in here) but in the majority of cases peoples best friends are the ones they made when in school or maybe college.

As you get older I think your lovers tend to replace a lot of the qualities best friends have.

It's sad in a way but that's life.

I've got to disagree with this as well. I used to think this right after I left college and started working; you go from carefree, outgoing student meeting loads of people to working in an office with a relatively small circle of people who don't seem to have an awful lot of time for you.

I think that making friends is a numbers game, it's easier to make friends when you're younger simply because you just meet more people. I also think that friendships have to evolve over time, you need to be spending a lot of time, over an extended period of time (couple of months at least) before you start being drawn towards people (and vice-versa).

In my experience, it's not true that you can't make new contacts and develop them into relatively intimate relationships once you leave college. There are obstacles in the way however that don't exist before. But, sure isn't it always hard to make friends? If it's not one thing that's going to be causing hassle, it's another. You could be going through a socially awkward teenage phase, shy, overworked, geographically isolated, different from everyone else, billy no-mates cos everyone else has moved on to marriage babies etc., the new kid in your school...the list goes on.

As you know making close friends is tough. But in my experience it is possible, whatever your age (well, up to 29 anyway, which is my age!).

<edit>

http://social.boards.ie/elessar

I know this is stalking, but... I had a hunch that elessar was young, and just out of college, and a lot of what he said seemed like what I was thinking at that stage. He's only left college last year, he's not *really* in a position to tell the OP how relationships work/develop after you start working.

Maple

OP, get back in touch with your mates. Just because their life is changing doesn't mean that the friendship has to do. Friendships can evolve over time. Just make a bit of effort. Friendships take work.

Oh and Elessar I completely disagree with your point about only making friends during school years. Some of my best mates now are people I met through work or on holidays. You just have to be open.