family headstone problem

meanmachine3

my mother recently passed away , she was divorced but never changed her marriage name back to her maiden name. i put up a headstone with marriage name as main name and included her maiden name underneath as a compromise, . her bros/sis's want her maiden name and dont want her marriage name mentioned on headstone, where as there were kids by this marriage (kids want marraige name) that turned very sour and bitter which involved legal cases.
right now i'm piggy in the middle caught between her bro's , sisters and my brothers and sisters.
any ideas please

Binomate

Who's paying?

biko

I believe
Mary Murphy
Nee Doyle
would be a good compromise. Is this what the stone says today?

She was in fact married and have children so their name should be there too.

is_that_so

Families can implode with deaths, they do irrational things, cling onto the most unbelievable things and generally cause pain to themselves and others. My sympathy to you on your loss and the predicament in which you find yourself.

What would your mother want? Hardly the dreadful spectacle of family falling out over her headstone. I have no doubt that she would find it deeply embarrassing.

AFAIK as a child you can override the desires of a parent's sibling - based on succession law.

If you are executor of the estate then you could argue you are best positioned to decide. Perhaps you need a little more time before the decision is made, in order to allow people to take into account the long-term effect of their actions.

The best of luck with it.

Nevyn

Legally if she never dropped the married name the it is right to have both.

spinandscribble

personally if it was my mother i'd want her maiden name. forget your moms sisters/brothers or your's. its what your mother would have wanted. she was divorced for a reason ffs. your names will change with marriage anyway. whats the point.

Hagar

If your mother chose not to change her name back to her maiden name why should anyone else?
Why assume she ment to but didn't?

LegacyUser

well if ur mam never got arounbd to it, (if it was that important to her she wud have changed it) and she has kids, they shd be the one to decided whats right......good luck

spinandscribble

the op needs to think did she ever give a reason why she didnt. for some its because it was on all bank/state papers ie. too much hassle. if thats the case maybe its best to let it be her maiden name.
on the flip side she might call herself by that name.
my mom isnt divorced and is married to my dad but i know she'd want her maiden name on the tombstone. because thats her to her.
jesus im going to make sure everyone knows what i want when dead.

meanmachine3

Binomate wrote:

Who's paying?

I have paid for the headstone.
let me explain -
born say "Mary Walsh"
Married say " John Doe"
Before she got married she had 1 child.
When married she had 2 children
So her name after marriage is Mary Doe, later divorced, years later died intestate
Never changed her name back to her birth name Walsh, before she died. Always used her marriage name for everything.
Headstone went up, with family surname on top "DOE" and in
"loving memory of our mother Mary Walsh Doe who died "etc.......
Grave promised to siblings when they die
Problem now is her brothers and sisters want "Doe" removed from headstone because her ex husband was abusive to her. :eek:

D Bronc

biko wrote:

I believe
Mary Murphy
Nee Doyle
would be a good compromise.

You decide, you're paying for it.

daiixi

Unless she specified otherwise she thought "Doe" was good enough for her during her life so logically it's good enough for her now she's dead. Sorry for your loss.

UrbanFox

Condolences on your sad loss.

Tell the troublemakers to go to hell. Do this by doing nothing about the erected headstone for which you have paid.

The promise of the grave to siblings might be a problem if they can prove that point but I doubt it....

If they make more trouble tell them that they are greviously offending your mother's dignity by perpetuating a squabble based on their presumptive opinion the forcing of which is intruding disgracefully and shamefully on your grief.....

milmo

I am sorry for your loss

At the risk of being insensitive I am off the opinion that her children's wishes supersede the wishes of her siblings. IMO they can advise you, but they are not entitled to any voting rights on this issue.

This is for you and your brother/sisters to decided.

Carrigart Exile

milmo wrote:

I am sorry for your loss

At the risk of being insensitive I am off the opinion that her children's wishes supersede the wishes of her siblings. IMO they can advise you, but they are not entitled to any voting rights on this issue.

This is for you and your brother/sisters to decided.

Exactly you're next of kin, all of your mother's children knew her by her married name, a name your mother chose to keep; your compromise is sufficient, tell uncles and aunts to respect your mother's wishes

axer

meanmachine3 wrote:

my mother recently passed away , she was divorced but never changed her marriage name back to her maiden name. i put up a headstone with marriage name as main name and included her maiden name underneath as a compromise, . her bros/sis's want her maiden name and dont want her marriage name mentioned on headstone, where as there were kids by this marriage (kids want marraige name) that turned very sour and bitter which involved legal cases.
right now i'm piggy in the middle caught between her bro's , sisters and my brothers and sisters.
any ideas please

Do as ye want, Ye are next of kin and thus have all the legal rights in the matter. You have compromised for them already but what have they done for you? Tell them they can go fück themselves (in a nice way of course).

Beruthiel

Sorry for your loss OP.

meanmachine3 wrote:

she was divorced but never changed her marriage name back to her maiden name.

I'm divorced, I immediately changed back to my maiden name.
Even though the marrige ended bitterly, your mother did not change her name, she made the choice to keep it until her death, nobody has the right to do otherwise.
If she had wished to change it she would have done so, it's not a big process and easy to do. Her family are angry over this divorce and have come to their own conclusions, no matter what they feel, this was something your mother wanted and should remain as in life. The idea of using 'nee' is best all round.