New GF, possible history of abuse?

LegacyUser

Unreg for this.

I recently started seeing a girl. Things are great and we really care about each other. The problem is that she’s never experienced an orgasm. She’s 22 and in all honestly I’m sure that there are plenty of women in a similar situation, but it gets a little weirder.

Her history was that she was seeing a guy long term for about 4 years. They had sex regularly, but she stated that he had a ‘baby penis’ and said that even while erect it was no bigger than her little finger.

The first time we were together I didn’t know her history and I was quite vigorous during foreplay.

Then after she told me her history I took it easy and was gentler. She said that she preferred it more like the first time and to be rougher.

Fair enough. But here’s where it gets weird.

There’s something about her relationship with her step-dad that’s bugging me. I can’t put my finger on it. I’ve known friends who were sexually abused by family members and I’ve always suspected that was the case even before they confided in me.

Her step-dad is in his late 60’s and would have been with her mother from around about the time my gf was 10 years old. He has a history of violent abuse, has done time for GBH and at one point my gf’s mother was in a battered womens shelter because of his abuse.

At this stage things have settled down a lot with him. He’s got a regular job, has had a serious of heart problems and seems to have calmed down a lot.

Where my suspicions are raised are around the fact that both he and my gf went to holidays together to Turkey twice. Her mother is afraid of flying and she stayed at home. Her older sister is married with kids and also didn’t go. She would have been 19 and 20 when they went to Turkey.

He’s also very protective of her and she said that she had to lie about going to stay over with boyfriends in the past, even as late as when she was 20/21. Since she started with me, she said that he told her that “she’s a big girl now and can do what she likes providing she’s careful”.

You can call be paranoid if you want but to me something about this picture isn’t right. I’ve never met anyone so sexually immature yet likes to be almost ‘forced’ during foreplay and sex. She also said that she hates receiving oral sex but has no problem giving it to me.

Am I just being paranoid or do you think something wasn’t right with her family in the past?

Zillah

I don't really see anything that points towards abuse...Sure there's lots of interesting ingredients...but they don't make an abuse cake.

I should put all my posts in the form of lame metaphors.

Talliesin

There really isn't a single thing here that points to abuse.

It's certainly a possibility, after all sexual abuse is sadly very common, but there's nothing in what you say that speaks of anything other than a deeply over-simplistic view of how people's sexual preferences develop.

Anti

Maybe he does just care about her, as she would have more then likely been around when he bet the living shíte out of the mother. Maybe its his way of making up or something. But then again, if i was in your situation i think i would have the same things running through my head as what you do.

Try speaking to her. She might open up with you?

And about the sex, ive known alot of girls who arnt to fond of recieving but love giving head. She might like being forced allbeit playfully, horses for courses my friend.

LegacyUser

I also forgot to mention that her older sister moved out of the house to go live with her grandmother when she (the sister) was 13 and never moved back.

K-9

Anti wrote:

Maybe he does just care about her, as she would have more then likely been around when he bet the living shíte out of the mother. Maybe its his way of making up or something. But then again, if i was in your situation i think i would have the same things running through my head as what you do.

Agreed.

The sexual things in the post don't mean too much. Maybe she likes it a bit rougher because the last bf couldn't give that to her?

I had an ex too, who took about 4/5 years to let me go down "there" despite me wanting and loving doing it. Maybe she's a little insecure about it.

Anti

Unregged wrote:

I also forgot to mention that her older sister moved out of the house to go live with her grandmother when she (the sister) was 13 and never moved back.

Probably due to the fact she couldnt handle her mother being bet around the place. But then again....

missmatty

Sounds quite a bit fishy to me.

I most certainly wouldn't have twice gone on hols with my step-dad at that age (an adult really) after what he had done to my mum and with his history and record.

I guess just take it handy and see if she ever brings it up. You can't really ask outright about something like that.

AngryBadger

I'm not seeing the link man. Undoubtedly the step-father was a non-pretty history, but that doesn't mean he abused her. Plus you're assuming that everyone goes out and has a wild hedonistic sex life the second they hit puberty. She simply may not have had much experience, and found that she liked it when you were shallwe say, aggressive. Indeed it may have been a long held fantasy for her that she was never able to explore with someone before, and then you pre-empted it. nice!

Long story short, it doesn't seem to me like there's any reason for thinking she was abused. I've met women who hated receiving oral but loved giving it, equally I've met the sort who hate to give but love to receive. It takes all sorts.

Miss Fluff

Has she intimated anything or are you just presuming? Going on information above I wouldn't think she had. How is she about sex generally? What is her relationship like with her stepdad now?

LegacyUser

'Thanks for all the comments.

Sex in general is good, if not a little vanilla but she doesn’t like having her ears, neck, or any part of her chest kissed whatsoever. She seems to have a problem about being intimate during intercourse itself.

One last point I’ll add is that one of the first times after sex I kissed her gently and said ‘thank you’ and she nearly went nuts. She because very defensive and said “Don’t ever say that after sex again”. Normally she’s very chilled, laid back and easy to get on with and the only reason it struck me as odd was that it was completely out of character. Perhaps this was something the ex used to say? I dunno.

These may all sound like crazy things for me to pick up on for you but I’m seeing something in her that I’ve seen in a few friends who were abused, but I can’t tell exactly what yet.

As for asking her, I think that’s right out of the question for the moment.'

dame

I think you might be right OP. I have a friend who was abused by her father (told a couple of us one night when very drunk, went mental when asked about it once since) and they have a very strange relationship now. She doesn't avoid him like you'd expect. It's as if she regresses to being a little child when she's around him and speaks in a much higher little girl voice. I know this is a common thing with girls but I think it might be part of it (in her case) - she acts like a little girl with boyfriends too, hard to describe but climbing on their lap, saying "that's tickly" about nothing (in a high baby voice), that sort of thing. She's actually a very smart girl and usually acts more mature when she's with girls. Then again, maybe your girlfriend is just inexperienced or picked up a negative "dirty" view of sex at some stage and isn't comfortable enough to relax and enjoy it.

pretty-in-pink

Nothing there points explicitly to abuse. Its possible, but so is the fact she has sex hang ups (esp if she likes "pushy" sex,and has a guilt thing about it)

Sadly, abuse could have come from anyone (her ex, or indeed any boy or girl who she knew over the years). Its a very hard to explain area, the mental fallout from sexual abuse is wide ranging and unless you have gone through it you can probably never understand it really.

Talk to her, but don't push it. If anything bad has happened, she will most likely eventually tell you. She may never tell you. or there may be nothing to tell.

K-9

Unregged wrote:

Sex in general is good, if not a little vanilla but she doesn’t like having her ears, neck, or any part of her chest kissed whatsoever. She seems to have a problem about being intimate during intercourse itself.

One last point I’ll add is that one of the first times after sex I kissed her gently and said ‘thank you’ and she nearly went nuts. She because very defensive and said “Don’t ever say that after sex again”. Normally she’s very chilled, laid back and easy to get on with and the only reason it struck me as odd was that it was completely out of character. Perhaps this was something the ex used to say? I dunno.

Sounds a bit funny alright. Girls usually love kisses and being touched on the ear, neck and chest (obviously) It's usually not a very threatening thing.

The "thank you" is strange too, maybe she a hang up from a previous relationship.

On a side note, I wouldn't say thank you to a girl who I'd sex. Why? Both of yous where part of it! I'd be more, how good was that etc.

tbh

Seanies32 wrote:

Girls usually .

nothing you can type after those two words will be correct.

John Mason

sorry but one single thing you have said points to sexually abuse, i really dont know where you are getting this idea from? if its a big deal for you maybe you should just ask her

John Mason

Seanies32 wrote:

Sounds a bit funny alright. Girls usually love kisses and being touched on the ear, neck and chest (obviously) It's usually not a very threatening thing.
.

i hate people kissing my ears - urrgh, i always have issues with my bellybutton, so i wouldnt be generalising

Talliesin

Unregged wrote:

One last point I’ll add is that one of the first times after sex I kissed her gently and said ‘thank you’ and she nearly went nuts. She because very defensive and said “Don’t ever say that after sex again”. Normally she’s very chilled, laid back and easy to get on with and the only reason it struck me as odd was that it was completely out of character. Perhaps this was something the ex used to say? I dunno.

Woah!

You think she might have issues because she likes it a bit rough and then you don't understand when you pull crap like that?

What the hell where you thanking her for? Services rendered?

That goes way beyond being a bit rough in bed. Seriously, don't thank someone for sex unless it's a kink you've discussed before hand or they're a prostitute.

Those two possibilities aside, it's supposed to be good for her as well as for you and possibly also an expression of how you feel about each other.

tbh wrote:

Seanies32 wrote:

Girls usually .

nothing you can type after those two words will be correct.

Yep, and liking it rough is very common.

OP. It is, of course, completely possible that your gf suffered some form of sexual abuse at some point (whether from her stepdad and/or someone else). Sadly it's not even that narrow a possibility as sexual assault is very common, but nothing in what you have said really points to that particularly strongly.

After all, I don't think your thing about thanking sexual partners means that you were abused, and it's a lot weirder than anything you've said about her.

K-9

tbh wrote:

nothing you can type after those two words will be correct.

So true! I know, I was thinking about women and logic at the same time!

K-9

irishbird wrote:

i hate people kissing my ears - urrgh, i always have issues with my bellybutton, so i wouldnt be generalising

Saying usually isn't generalising. Saying all women like rough sex, is.:rolleyes:

talliesin wrote:

Woah!

You think she might have issues because she likes it a bit rough and then you don't understand when you pull crap like that?
What the hell where you thanking her for? Services rendered?
That goes way beyond being a bit rough in bed. Seriously, don't thank someone for sex unless it's a kink you've discussed before hand or they're a prostitute.

True, I was pointing it out a bit more gently too. But yeah, why say "thank you"?

talliesin wrote:

Yep, and liking it rough is very common.

Never said it wasn't, in fact, I posted earlier girls often like it rough, nothing wrong with that!

unregged wrote:

Sex in general is good, if not a little vanilla but she doesn’t like having her ears, neck, or any part of her chest kissed whatsoever. She seems to have a problem about being intimate during intercourse itself.

He did say that though, maybe she likes them licked, rubbed etc? It seems that she likes it rough but still, if all of us had rough sex each and every single time we had sex, I'd say the majority of us would be looking for some variety.

The OP seems to want it to be more intimate and she doesn't. That's a fair expectation from the OP. Some compromise maybe?

GrumPy

Zillah wrote:

I don't really see anything that points towards abuse...Sure there's lots of interesting ingredients...but they don't make an abuse cake.

I should put all my posts in the form of lame metaphors.

I liked it


OP, doesn't sound too odd, maybe talk to her about it? Has she never ever had a orgasm? That's more worrying.

ansionnachclist

Maybe when growing up she didn't see much love between her parents and finds it hard to show it towards you. She may be embarrassed and insecure about how she expresses her love to you as she has witnessed this between her parents when she was growing up.

monkey tennis

Unregged wrote:

after sex I kissed her gently and said ‘thank you’

I can certainly see why someone would think that that's weird.

monkey tennis

monkey tennis wrote:

I can certainly see why someone would think that that's weird.

Yes, seconded.

ansionnachclist

Its like saying "Thank You" then handing her 200 Euro.

SarahMc

Quote:
Originally Posted by Unregged
after sex I kissed her gently and said ‘thank you’


I can certainly see why someone would think that that's weird.

I don't think its weird. I think its sweet.

I don't think you can conclude your GF was abused by what you have posted on here, but certainly she will have certain issues from growing up in a household where there was abuse and violence.

John Mason

Irish GrumPy wrote:

OP, doesn't sound too odd, maybe talk to her about it? Has she never ever had a orgasm? That's more worrying.

why is this worrying? i was older then this girl before i had one and have friends in their thirties who have never had one. which doesnt in the slightest men we dont enjoy sex.

society puts far too much pressure on women

its all about being comfortable with your sexually. i dont think it is as easy for woman as men at climax but not being a man i couldnt comment!!!

its all about being comfortable with your body and your sexuality. i think too many men here are generalising. sex is a very different experience for woman

Talliesin

SarahMc wrote:

I don't think its weird. I think its sweet.

I think she should have dumped his creepy ass after that. That's pretty heavy to get into without explaining his kinks first.

Kaizan

There are a couple of things here.

Firstly, regarding the being forced issue. I was raped when I was 8 and obviously it was forced upon me. Now however, I like roughish sex and I particularly like it when forced. I often wonder if this is becuase my first experience was of being forced and therefore I "learned" that that was how it should be and I've often associated it with what happened. On some level I accept it as something that's part of me but quite honestly part of me is horrified every time I enjoy it. It makes me feel so guilty and dirty for willingly participating in it. It's a very difficult thing to get your head around even if you are the "injured party" let alone describe how it should affect the wholly innocent person you are with. The whole step-dad relationship sounds nuts to me and very suspect. I'd tread very carefully with your girl - sounds to me like she's in for a very rough time.

Secondly, only 6% of women manage to organsim through penetrative sex, most women reach orgasm through oral or digital stimulation. However, a lot of women think that they can get away with going down on a guy - it means they dont' have to sleep with him and therefore connect emotionally with him. For a lot of women, giving head is the easy way out and in all honesty, in my experience, getting is a lot less fun becuase guys don't usually have the best technique in the world. Guys try and they do their best but women are very sensitive and often a man's enthusiam is more than a girl can bare. I hope that doesn't sound too negatvie - I love men and enjoy their company and there is nothing better then making a physical and emotioinal connection with the right man but if it's wrong in your head, it's just wrong if you are a woman.

SarahMc

Quote:
Originally Posted by SarahMc
I don't think its weird. I think its sweet.

I think she should have dumped his creepy ass after that. That's pretty heavy to get into without explaining his kinks first.

I don't think he was thanking her for prostituting herself ffs, I think he was thanking her for making him happy.

If a bf kissed me gently and said "thank you" in a post coital situation, I would kiss back and say "and thank you too".

Its sweet and there is something endearing and... polite about it. Nothing weird.

K-9

Talliesin wrote:

I think she should have dumped his creepy ass after that. That's pretty heavy to get into without explaining his kinks first.

That's a bit harsh. He shouldn't have said it, but that's harsh.I wouldn't say it, but as Sarah Mc said, maybe he meant it in a different context. In fairness, he is posting looking for advice, so I don't think he meant it in a wham bam thank you mam way!

If we go down that line, maybe he should dump her, after all she has problems with intimacy and only likes it rough, without considering what he likes! :rolleyes:

Talliesin

Nah, if he listened to her and stopped doing it then of course she shouldn't dump him now. She has a lot of patience to not just kick him out there and then though.

K-9

Talliesin wrote:

Nah, if he listened to her and stopped doing it then of course she shouldn't dump him now. She has a lot of patience to not just kick him out there and then though.

If anybody should be kicking anybody out it should be the OP. The women, while maybe not having abuse problems, has some intimacy problems.

If the OP had dumped her before this, we'd be saying what a b******. Instead he is taking time and patience to try and understand her, something she isn't doing. Aye, dump him alright for one comment, made in the wrong context! Wimmin:rolleyes:

She would have being saving the OP a whole deal of hassle and time by doing it though! And she would still have her intimacy problems! Good solution:rolleyes:

Marksie

Unregged wrote:

One last point I’ll add is that one of the first times after sex I kissed her gently and said ‘thank you’ and she nearly went nuts. She because very defensive and said “Don’t ever say that after sex again”.

I am going to have a difference of opinion with other posters here and say I dont think that its creepy to say "thank you" per se. Though it may depend on context.

In tantra we begin and end with a heart salutation essentially thanking and honouring the other person. From that aspect turning and saying thank you is part and parcel of honouring the other. Its another means of expressing simply what has occurred, openly.

Abuse: No. Edit, i am chaging my mind to not sure on this as some of the description that the OP gives does have some similarities.

Intimacy issues I believe so.
Maybe something has gone one in the past that stops her from expressing herself fully and making what he said hit a nerve.
Whatever the reason, you wont know unless you ask.

On the subject of rough sex, no there is actually nothing wrong with it at all, frantic thrashing about is excellent when it reacfhes that stage.
BUT in this there are other possibilities that can be considered and its worth thiking about them.
If we accept that there are intimacy issues over touching, The possibility of slow languid lovemaking may mean that the OPs gfriend may have to exposue miore of her inner self than possible. From that aspect, the rough sex, may be more than juts pleasure it may be a means of switching off from intimacy, concentrating on purely the sensations making it whatever it needs to be so that the thoughts and insecureties can be blanked out.

sweet-rasmus

talk to her. tell her what you told us. not necessarily that you suspect her dad, but that you are worried about her behaviour. be very careful how you present it all, and make sure you will have plenty of time to talk.

pretty-in-pink

Marksie wrote:

Intimacy issues I believe so.
Maybe something has gone one in the past that stops her from expressing herself fully and making what he said hit a nerve.
Whatever the reason, you wont know unless you ask.
.
.
.
.
If we accept that there are intimacy issues over touching, The possibility of slow languid lovemaking may mean that the OPs gfriend may have to exposue miore of her inner self than possible. From that aspect, the rough sex, may be more than juts pleasure it may be a means of switching off from intimacy, concentrating on purely the sensations making it whatever it needs to be so that the thoughts and insecureties can be blanked out.

That occoured to me too, that she is afraid of opening herself that much to another person. It could also explain the fact she hasn't orgasmed, that she doesn't want to be that exposed and vunerable.

OP you need to try get her to talk to you, but if she's not ready she won't talk. and she'll probably be very weird about being approached. Angry or similar. Best of luck to you both

LegacyUser

Talliesin wrote:

I think she should have dumped his creepy ass after that. That's pretty heavy to get into without explaining his kinks first.

Well gee thanks for that.

It's not like I suddenly went "thanks babes" and gave her the big thumbs up sign.

I cuddled up to her and whispered 'thank you' sweetly in her ear because I came and she was unable to, so I felt I had an unfair and disproportionate share of the pleasure.

Regarding the intimacy, we've no problem being intimate in public, holding-hands, hugging etc. But in bed this doesn't seem to follow through with her.

Many thanks for your honestly Kaizan. I do realise that the vast majority of women can't achieve orgasm though penetrative sex, and as she doesn't like cunnilingus, I've tried teasing and rubbing with fingers.

The issue with talking to her about it I really think I couldn't face. It's the easiest thing in the world to just say 'talk to her about it' but how do you even go about approaching the subject?

And here's where it gets even more surreal. Her step-dad is a member of a major crime family although he himself was never involved in the 'family business'. I really want to remain anon for this post but let's just say that what I do for a living would be considered as working for the enemy and by that I don't mean that I'm involved with another rival gang if you get my drift.

So there are issues of trust on her part that are there to begin with.

Talliesin

Seanies32 wrote:

If anybody should be kicking anybody out it should be the OP. The women, while maybe not having abuse problems, has some intimacy problems.

And so does he.

Actually my point (though I admit I did not express it well) is that the OP is lucky she hasn't dumped him already. The last thing he needs to start doing is diagnosing causes for what issues she has.

K-9

Talliesin wrote:

And so does he.

What, he wants her to enjoy intimate, sensual/romantic sex, foreplay, sexual connection etc. and she should dump him. If she can't, I say he should dump her, rough sex all the time is boring just as 5 hour sessions all the time are too.

You seem to be on your own there going by the posts, just like the gf will be and always will be eventually if she can't be intimate. That's the problem. Read his posts again.

He may have said something silly. Some men and indeed women, think sex is some sort of favour to be granted by women and received thankfully by men. He's young, he'll learn. The gf wont, if she dumps him.

Talliesin wrote:

Actually my point (though I admit I did not express it well) is that the OP is lucky she hasn't dumped him already. The last thing he needs to start doing is diagnosing causes for what issues she has.

I see your point there, him suggesting abuse. Then again he's young and maybe hasn't experienced girls who like it rough and rough only? Could be just she hasn't trusted enough to let herself go and be intimate with him. In fairness to him, he's posting here for advice and wayss to help her be intimate. She's missing out and he wants to help, not bad qualities in a bf.

At this stage the OP is perfectly entitled to leave the gf because the sex is crap or substandard for him. Instead he wants to help and make it better for him and her. Give the man a break!:rolleyes:

Jack B. Badd

unregged wrote:

There’s something about her relationship with her step-dad that’s bugging me. I can’t put my finger on it. I’ve known friends who were sexually abused by family members and I’ve always suspected that was the case even before they confided in me.

Her step-dad is in his late 60’s and would have been with her mother from around about the time my gf was 10 years old. He has a history of violent abuse, has done time for GBH and at one point my gf’s mother was in a battered womens shelter because of his abuse.

At this stage things have settled down a lot with him. He’s got a regular job, has had a serious of heart problems and seems to have calmed down a lot.

Where my suspicions are raised are around the fact that both he and my gf went to holidays together to Turkey twice. Her mother is afraid of flying and she stayed at home. Her older sister is married with kids and also didn’t go. She would have been 19 and 20 when they went to Turkey.

He’s also very protective of her and she said that she had to lie about going to stay over with boyfriends in the past, even as late as when she was 20/21. Since she started with me, she said that he told her that “she’s a big girl now and can do what she likes providing she’s careful”.

unregged wrote:

And here's where it gets even more surreal. Her step-dad is a member of a major crime family although he himself was never involved in the 'family business'.

So you're really just looking for a reason not to like her step-dad?

Miss Fluff

Marksie wrote:

In tantra we begin and end with a heart salutation essentially thanking and honouring the other person. From that aspect turning and saying thank you is part and parcel of honouring the other. Its another means of expressing simply what has occurred, openly.

All very well when one is knowledgable on the ins and out of tantric sex Marksie, but for most random punters, a "heart salutation" would quite frankly be viewed as rather bizarre.

Talliesin

Yeah, but if you did that with someone who didn't know it you would explain what you were doing and why you were doing it.

It's not being bizarre that's the problem, it's dumping bizarre behaviour on someone with no warning, explanation or opportunity to object.

Marksie

Miss Fluff wrote:

All very well when one is knowledgable on the ins and out of tantric sex Marksie, but for most random punters, a "heart salutation" would quite frankly be viewed as rather bizarre.

Maybe but in actuality its not an oesteric rite but an expression of respect and not necessarily in a sexual setting and as talleisin point out they would be aware of where I am coming from. From that context if a partner said thank you to me i would accept it as an open acknowledgment of what had been shared. So i can see that that is where the OP may be coming from when he said thank you perhaps as a spontaneous expression. Buts that by the by.

Notwithstanding that, even if you were surprised by what he said, your reaction would be to query it. Not to go into an overreactive state like the OPs girlfriend.

Her reaction is a very strong indication that she is not comfortable with actual intimacy.
The OP issues stem from that. The reason why she is so closed is up for debate. The OP is pointing at the stepfather but that is conjecture, the only one who knows the real reasoning is the girlfriend and she is keepng schtum about it. Until she admits to herself thaht there is an issue and that it warrants working on, nothing will be resolved

DublinWriter

Unregged wrote:

Where my suspicions are raised are around the fact that both he and my gf went to holidays together to Turkey twice. Her mother is afraid of flying and she stayed at home. Her older sister is married with kids and also didn’t go. She would have been 19 and 20 when they went to Turkey.

OP - that sounds a little strange, but not unusual, and I certainly think it wouldn't be grounds enough for suspicion.

If her step dad did abuse her, don't you think she really wouldn't want to go on holiday with him alone?

Slutmonkey57b

Talliesin wrote:

Yeah, but if you did that with someone who didn't know it you would explain what you were doing and why you were doing it.

It's not being bizarre that's the problem, it's dumping bizarre behaviour on someone with no warning, explanation or opportunity to object.

That's one of the most left-field, borderline moronic series of statements I've ever witnessed on this board.

Why you think "thank you" after sex is a psycho kink, or creepy behaviour, or dump-worthy behaviour is beyond me. You don't like the idea. Great. Doesn't mean the OP is a kinky weirdo, and given the choice of golden showers and a cheese grater on the dick, or "thank you" and a kiss, I think the majority of people know what constitutes weird kinky behaviour. Anyway, you made yourself clear with the first post. You can probably drop it now, ten posts later, because a) you're not right describing it the way you are, and b) we get the idea already.

OP. you're probably better off approaching a specialist counceller about this before you take any steps with your gf. If you have abused friends, they can probably give you some names.

howaya

think the OP is to be commended for genuine attempt to understand and be sensitive to his girl's behaviour. I think that when all the circumstantial bits are considered together it is a reasonable fear for him to hold, and it shouldn't be dismissed, particularly in light of Kaizan's brave post.
sounds like she is lucky to have you and that things will get better for the two of u

LegacyUser

To be perfectly honest, I like it a little rough myself. Nothing turns me off more than being trated with kid gloves. It sucks the passion out of it for me.
A thought for you: why do you think S & M is so popular?

You just have different sexual prefences and I think you are reading too much into it.
By the way, if someone said "thank you" to me after sex, I`d feel like a prostitute.