get her out of my head

LegacyUser

long time lurker, first time poster here

Went out with a woman for first 5 months of this year. There was a spark or chemistry right from the start, i.e. first date was a blind date and lasted 5hrs.

Over the 5 months we got really close and build up a lot of mutual trust. Both in our mid 30s and both had been hurt badly before.

On the evening before I was to meet some of her family at some do, she confided in me that her older brother abused her once when she was 12-13. I was raging but promised not to confront him. My gut said I shouldnt go, but still went with her the next day. Mostly to give her some emotional support. Did keep my cool that day, but would have been civil and cool at best. When we got home we had an argument about my 'attitude' with her family.

Talked it through and agreed she was going to arrange to see a counsellor to help her deal with it and we were going to focus on us. Yes I'd be supportive of her as she was struggling with it, but we werent going to let the issue of her brother become central to our relation and turn me into an emotional crutch for her. This seemed to work as over next two months she visibly grew in self confidence (she also suffered from slight depression) and she told me she was happy that I was accepting her for who she was :-)

We then went on seperate holidays and two days after my return she broke up with me. Said she needed to deal with it completely on her own or she would never be completely happy in any relationship. Had no choice but to let her go and went for a clean break: erased mobile no, address, etc. just kept in occasional e-mail contact of the 2 line 'hows it going' kind which were fading out as well..... I was dealing with the breakup very well

Then suddenly after two months, received an email that said, she was seeing someone else and thought it fair to tell me because we've always been completely honest with each other... Needless to say this ripped everything wide open again, I even blew off a first date I had arranged for the following weekend.

That was a month ago and she's still in my head because of that email, makes me want to find her and slap some sense into her (figuratively speaking).

Any ideas how to get her out of my head? Have that all important first date thing coming up again this weekend and just want her out of my head

Apologies for the long post, but thought it better to include background (and get it of my chest)

Knockoff Nige

Would it have been easier for you if you had met her in a pub with her new boyfriend? She's in your head and thats really not her fault. She obviously got over you more easily than you got over her (or failed to). Bascially, its a time for you to forgive and to forget. You know she's a nice person as you went out with her. So, you should wish her well and get on with your own life. I'm hoping you replied to her email.

Anthony_1980

maybe she was never trusting ....

maybe he wa reason she dumped u but didnt wanna tell u

hard 1 to call

she had alot of emotional baggage , so in a way best out of it

LegacyUser

Yep did reply saying that I hoped things worked out for her. Our regular watering holes dont really overlap, so chances are it would have been 6 or 12 months before we'd bump into each other. By then I would have moved on completely.

What the email did was plant the seed of doubt anthony is referring to and as I was cheated on in a previous relationship it brings back a lot of unpleasant memories from long ago.

Just want to remember the relationship for what it was, a beautiful thing with a beautiful woman. Short-lived yes, but thats life :-)

To clarify when I mentioned the making her see sense bit, I was referring to the bit that she should listen to her own advice and be on her own for a while.

Beetlebum

If she was to call you up tomorrow and ask you to give it another shot, would your answer be yes? It's hard to gauge from your post if you still have romantic feelings for her or if you're just concerned about her well being as a friend/person. If I had to guess i'd say you still have strong feelings for her and because it ended kind of abruptly I'd imagine your thoughts are along the lines of 'What could've been if you'd had more time'. What age are ye both? You gonna go on the date? Sorry for asking so many questions!

LegacyUser

tomorrow the answer would be no, in 12 months the answer would be a big maybe depending very much on circumstances (i.e a fresh start only).

Dont usually dwell to long on the 'what if, what couldve been' phase, this time around it lasted a few weeks before started moving on and accepting the reality. The time when I was cheated on that phase lasted nearly 9 months as just could not accept it. At 35 I've been through the break-up mill enough times to know exactly how my own process of dealing with it works and what stage I'm at.

Thanks all for giving me different perspectives, knew was blowing it out of proportion and honestly dont believe my doubt was founded. Do hope she's found her prince. And yes I will be going on that date, it might be my princess :-)

Wibbs

I think you handled it very well. Perfectly in fact. I'd keep up the zero contact and if she contacts you again don't reply. When people walk out of your life, let them walk. You have to take the position that they missed out. Tough and bye bye.

I frankly don't get why she had to ring with the news of her new squeeze either. I mean you had broken up so what's with the whole "we were always honest with each other malarky"? That's fine and dandy in a relationship not after she's walked. Especially as the excuse she gave you for splitting up was "I need to be alone". That didn't last long either. Now I can see her reasoning and it's good. It is better to be your own person before you try to engage someone else, but two months(or less) is very fast progress. Talk is cheap. She told you how she liked you accepting her for who she was. Cool. Her actions? She walks away. Listen to the actions.

I would also wonder about her motives for telling you about this. Seems a bit daft TBH. Hey maybe there are no motives just some brain burp that made it seem like a good idea at the time for her.

Keep walking. Keep going out on dates. I suspect you may have dodged a bullet this time. Maybe it's me, but the older I get the less I need grief and confusion. The only baggage I want in my life is at the airport when I'm off to sunnier climes.

Wibbs

Beetlebum wrote:

If she was to call you up tomorrow and ask you to give it another shot, would your answer be yes?

Good question, but I would advise the OP that the answer should be no.

What age are ye both?

Read the third line in. Mid 30's

LegacyUser

Wibbs wrote:

When people walk out of your life, let them walk. You have to take the position that they missed out. Tough and bye bye.

Pretty much my usual approach to friends and girlfriends these days, learned that the hard way :-P

The rest of your post pretty much sums up my thoughts on what happened, but because it concerned me directly it threw me for a 'WTF she tell me that for' loop. Am putting it down to a brain fart on her behalf and that she meant well, there's just no point in spoiling fond memories.

Thanks again, cant wait for saturday evening now :-)

LegacyUser

'ok im 21 years old and am a person with very little sexual experiences and the ones i have had havent been great,the first time i had sex i was very nervous and didnt really do the business very well and since then got worse as i was out one night met a girl went back to her,i thought she wasnt great looking but i was also drunk,anyway got naked and was going through the motions about to do the business,but after seen she was extrememly hairy downstairs it was a complete turn off for me and that was the end f that, so embarrassing..now i feel very nervous about sex..so embarrassing i find,im grand around girls talk to them get on well,but now the idea of having sex makes me nervous which is in itself is my downfall..and theres been 1 or 2 occasions were opportunities may have arrisen for me but i was just too nervous to try and go for it..im a pretty confident bloke except for this i feel that im too nervous which sounds pretty pathetic,but wat can i do?sometimes i think id be grand with a girl if i was with her,but now i find myself getting picker and if im not instantly aroused by a girl im afraid i wont be able to get it up in the bedroom,and am now more nervous about approaching women..i dont really know wat i can do to stop this..i feel like im missing out and a few bad expereinces is turning me into a little friget!! anyway anyone got any advice how to help me relax i know its all in the mind.'

LegacyUser

'OP,

I was in an almost identical situation...
she confided in me of abuse (that's why I'm unreg, I've never told anyone), "need to be on my own" then new boyfriend, this was a few years ago.

I went through the same reactions as you. In the end I decided to stop all contact and I looked at it like this: it's like the feeling you have when you've finished a really good book, you're a little sad that it's over, and you'll probably never sit down to read it again, but more than anything you're happy for the enjoyment it gave you.

hope that helps...'

Wibbs

Good luck with the date.

Now for others out there going through a split observe and absorb how lurker71 went about this. Pretty much letter perfect.

BTW Don't be too surprised if she shows up in a couple of months time again, saying she misses you or somesuch nonsense. I'd nearly put money on it in fact.