Am i just being a stubborn idiot?

LegacyUser

Ok, sorry in advance for the long post,
My problem basically revolves around an ex girl friend of mine, we met when we were teenagers and fell head over heels in love and over the next few years got engaged lived together etc but then broke up when we where about 20.
We remained friend after we broke up because we really missed not having the other one around ( I know probably wasn’t too smart but that’s not the problem) anyways about 2 months after we broke up was my 21st and she insisted I have a big party for it, so I rented a place invited everyone I knew and it was all going well till she gets off with one of my oldest mates in the world right in front of me and all my friends/family, I was completely heartbroken and had a huge argument with both of them and it was a huge mess and I stopped talking to her and him (eventually got back friends with him but it was never the same), then about a month later ran into her in the pub, we got talking and her and her friend came over and started hanging out with us (me and a few friends) later that night my friend decided he wanted to sleep with her friend and he ditches me in town and goes back to my exes and brings one of his mates who’s in his 40s who my ex sleeps with.
So I get a call the next morning off her going on about how she’s having a nervous breakdown and can I come meet her which I did (had no idea about what had happened until a bit later) she tells me that she’s had a one night stand and she’s going mad and she needs to get the morning after pill and she needed moral support and who better than her ex fiancé?! Anyways she drags me back to her place where she spends most of the day crying and the whole story comes out, I never really talk to my friend again ~(id been friends with the guy for over a decade and I know it wasn’t his fault but I blamed him for ditching me etc. Anyway she starts going on about how she needs me in her life but not as a boyfriend, so we agree that I’ll stay friends with her if she just promises to stay away from all of my friends which she promises.

So after that she starts going out with some guy which although it didn’t exactly cheer me up was something I knew I’d have to deal with eventually. Over the course of the next year I went completely off the rails and ended up going form social drinker to drinking every day to drinking full bottles of whiskey in one night to eventually class A drugs, I started making a complete hames of my life failing college and losing jobs etc until I eventually met a great girl and pulled myself out of it

So two years later and I was back to being pretty good mates with my ex when she starts seeing another good friend of mine, at this point I didn’t really give a **** who she was with as I had a great new girlfriend but it was a point of principle that she’d promised not to do it and had told me how she thought this guy was a sleaze not two months before. So my 23rd birthday rolls around and me and a friend had a joint birthday which she heard about and calls me and I told her I didn’t think anything major was going on and not to bother heading down 'cos I just wasn’t in the mood to see her but she shows up anyway with my friend and they pretend to not be together all night only kissing if I was out of
The room. It was just awkward and embarrassing and disrespectful but I figured **** it
I didn’t really give a **** I was more so just worried he’d **** her around (which he did) but it was her own choice.

So we were all still on good terms after that until a few months ago where she comes along to my 24th birthday and gets really drunk and spends the whole night telling me how much I mean to her and glad she was that we stayed friends and how sorry she is for getting with my friends and I tell her that whenever she does it, it drags up the memories of my 21st and not to do it. So then within an hour she’s in bed with one of my other best friends in the world whose ex ( of 6 years who happens to be one of her best friends he’d broken up with only a month earlier) so I just went **** it and went home and just washed my hands of the lot of them.
I started getting emails off her asking if I was pissed off and I basically told her that I wasn’t really pissed off with her so much as just sick of that fact that she clearly didn’t actually give a **** about me and that I’d appreciate it if she didn’t try to contact me again
Then she starts getting weird going on at me saying that I was psychically abusive to her (which never happened I’m a big guy and would never hit anyone for fear of dong serious damage and I’d never hit a woman although she never had any trouble punching me in face when it suited her)
and that I did terrible things when I was drugs that I probably don’t even remember, she A) only ever seen me on drugs once and I’m not really the type to black out and only ever really did them in my mates house with a tonne of my mates who would of told me if I’d done something stupid
so we agreed to never talk again and left it at that

So basically I was really just sick of the fact that getting off for her was more important than a promise to her “best friend” and I came to the conclusion that she was just a twisted head wrecking bitch.
Thing is that was about 3 months ago and now her and my friend are going out and I’m kinda thinking that I’m just being stupid cos I’ve cut two of my best friends out because of something stupid. I mean I’m a very proud man and I do think I gave her every chance to be a good friend but if I don’t have the loyalty and respect of a friend then they’re not that good of a friend.
But since I can’t hang out with them it also cuts out an awful lot of my other old friends who although I rarely hang out with anyway I do still like to see, I mean I missed a friend’s wedding a few weeks ago which I’m pretty down about and such

So to sum it up my problems basically am I being a stupid stubborn asshole or am I right to cut them out.

Moojuice

Sounds like your friends are not the friends you though they were. I would never do that to any of my friends. I know people will say that you were not going out so its none of your business, but it is. They were your friends and it still hurts when someone you loved finds someone else. So you were right. Cut her out of your like, it sounds like she was doing all that to punish you but now that you do not want her around anymore she gets psycho as she can no longer torture you in the way she had been. Walk away, ignore her calls, ignore her emails. And if your friends were proper friends they would see how they have hurt you and apologise and have nothing to do with her either.

kmick

The one thing I would say is that if you break up with someone you should no longer care who she sees - even if it is your best mate. Why does it matter to you?

How Strange

OP, this post reads like a bad episode of Hollyoaks - 20 somethings bed hopping, drugs etc etc blah blah blah.

Why the f*ck do you want to have such a complicated life? No wonder you were on class A drugs. Get rid of these assh*les, cut them out of your life and move on. Why are you involved with the ex gf at all? She seems like a lunatic. If your friends want to get involved with her then let them, thats their business.

You seem to have victim and pushover written all over you. Grow up, move on and simplify your life. I say grow up because you seem to have some unresolved fascination with your ex and you just can't let go (or won't let go). What does your present gf make of your close involvement with your ex? I wouldn't be too happy, in fact I'd run for the hills.

Don't go wasting any more of your life on a ridiculous, almost incestuous relationship between ex gf/best friends shagging/not shagging/shagging/not shagging.

Knockoff Nige

How Strange wrote:

OP, this post reads like a bad episode of Hollyoaks - 20 somethings bed hopping, drugs etc etc blah blah blah.

Why the f*ck do you want to have such a complicated life? No wonder you were on class A drugs. Get rid of these assh*les, cut them out of your life and move on. Why are you involved with the ex gf at all? She seems like a lunatic. If your friends want to get involved with her then let them, thats their business.

You seem to have victim and pushover written all over you. Grow up, move on and simplify your life. I say grow up because you seem to have some unresolved fascination with your ex and you just can't let go (or won't let go). What does your present gf make of your close involvement with your ex? I wouldn't be too happy, in fact I'd run for the hills.

Don't go wasting any more of your life on a ridiculous, almost incestuous relationship between ex gf/best friends shagging/not shagging/shagging/not shagging.

I agree. Its seems you're still in love with your ex. Perhaps you need some counselling (actually, no perhaps aboutit, you do!). But dont get hung up on having to cut ties with come people in order to move on in your life. That happens to everyone for different reasons. Be happy with who you are with and light a match under your troublesome past. You've got the experience of a heavy situation behind you which can make you stronger. Now, you just need to find your path. But get over your ex girlfriend. She's a slut.

Sleepy

So, let me get this straight, you let this girl use you for emotional support whilst she was shagging everyone left right and centre around you and clearly didn't give a **** about you? Why wasn't she getting this 'emotional support' from the new men in her life? She emasculated you to the point where you ended up on Class A's and you still let her have a role in your life?

No, you're not being stubborn, you're finally being sensible.

Knockoff Nige

Sleepy wrote:

So, let me get this straight, you let this girl use you for emotional support whilst she was shagging everyone left right and centre around you and clearly didn't give a **** about you? Why wasn't she getting this 'emotional support' from the new men in her life? She emasculated you to the point where you ended up on Class A's and you still let her have a role in your life?

No, you're not being stubborn, you're finally being sensible.

I dont thinkits fair to suggest that she put him on cklass a drugs. That was his own decision and he is responsible for it.

Red Hand

Ditch 'em all-she's leading you on, and those friends you talk of aren't really friends. They all seem full of bullsh*t, and that girl sounds like a pyscho to be honest.

FutureGuy

Ditch the lot of them. She's a waste of time, and your "friends" aren't much better.

K-9

confused 7649 wrote:

So basically I was really just sick of the fact that getting off for her was more important than a promise to her “best friend” and I came to the conclusion that she was just a twisted head wrecking bitch.

That's it there!

Why would you want to be friends with either of these?

Dalfiatach

Ditch the lot of them.

I went out with a girl similar to that from age 18-20. After we finished for the next few years I was her crutch and emotional support while she worked her way through quite a few of my friends and acquaintances. I finally realised I was, as someone said above, just being an emasculated victim and pushover and she was basically just taking the piss. She knew I'd still come running whenever she had a "problem". She knew the fact I was still holding that candle meant I'd be incapable of standing up for myself and I'd just suck up whatever indignity and humiliation she heaped on me.

Some girls are just psychos. And they are very good at grinding your self respect into the dust to they can have fun toying with your emotions.

You need to get out of the whole situation, including the "friends". Move away if you can, or just cut off all ties. Start drinking in different pubs where this shower of untermensch won't be, never call her, if she texts you delete it unread, if she phones don't answer, spend 6 months making a new set of friend through work and social activities, ignore events like their birthdays. Just go cold turkey from the whole mess.

It still takes time to recover, but once you are out of there at some point you'll look back and think "WTF did I waste all those years for? Ah well, live and learn, and life is far better now!"

Giblet

A girl who basically wants you to be her boyfriend without actually being her boyfriend. There's two words for a situation like this.

Vegeta

Seanies32 wrote:

That's it there!

Why would you want to be friends with either of these?

I agree with this guy

who needs friends like them

azezil

Your "friends" clearly don't hold you in high regard at all if they'd do that with your ex, they're not friends at all, and your ex based on what you've described, is a thundering bítch and I wouldn't give her the steam off my piss!

LegacyUser

Cheers every one feel much better now, i guess i just wanted to know if it was normal behavior for friends to act like that (the hollyoaks comparison put it all in perspective thanks:)
I've a history of being very stubborn and not always in my best interests and i wanted to make sure i was doing the right thing and you guys have helped out loads.
just reading over my initial post there i forgot to mention a few things, the incident at my 21st was spurred on because i'd made friends with a new giirl, the ex got very jealous of this even tough there was nothing going on (there was eventually but nothing at the time) and the 2 years where everything was fine where the years where she had a boyfriend and after he ****ed her over she started looking to me for support again but other then friendly advice it wasn't forth coming as i had a new girlfriend who was funnier, more intelligent and waaaay more beautiful then her. it was at this point that she started taking a renewed interest in my friends always doing it in the most obvious way
so yeah you guys are right cheers again!


oh and my girlfriend had no problem with me hanging round with my ex because there'd been about 2 years since we'd broken up and had both had other relationships then.

oh and its none of my business who she gets with, I don't have any jealousy issues its more a case of it took a lot out of me to support her after what she did within the first few months after we broke up and as a mark of respect i wanted her to stay away from my mates 'cos im very proud and i don't like it when a mate walks up and goes "haha i shagged your ex" in front of a tonne of mates.
i know its stupid and whatever but its how i am.

anyways thanks again! you've all been very helpfull.

LegacyUser

confused 7649 wrote:

So to sum it up my problems basically am I being a stupid stubborn asshole or am I right to cut them out.

You sound like a normal, nice, sensitive (in a perfectly normal way) bloke and I'm sorry to say but your girlfriend sounds like she has very serious psychological issues. You are 110% better off without having any contact with her. She is dragging you down and has seemingly set out to do a series of really cruel and hurtful things. You need to cut her out of your life forever. End of story. You're better off without her, as for your friends I wouldn't be so hard on them, except the guy from the 21st, you're broken up a long time.
The girl herself though, ignore her.

My ex-girlfriend pulled similar (though not nearly as extreme) stuff like that, at the time I thought it was my fault for over-reacting and that I shouldn't care as she was my ex but now I see that she was a vile, manipulative and cruel person who for some reason decided to make my life miserable. Part of the problem was having a shared circle of friends.

Bottle_of_Smoke

Read a book on evolution recently. Your friends will always be attractive to your partner because a gene that makes one attracted to people who their partner trusts/likes would save time on finding out if you like someone & would thus be successful. Seems your ex has a lot of these genes.

Anyway, not an excuse, if you were engaged & she scores someone @ your 21st she's a horrible person & I would have cut her off there & then. That's humilliating & it's a credit to you that you were able to put it behind you.

Next time she has a nervous breakdown tell her it's to do with feeling so guilty.

Anyway I can understand how you don't want to lose your friends. Take the high road. Don't bring her up, if someone mentions her don't be bitter. Maybe come across as pitying her for feeling the need to do all the things she did.

K-9

confused 7649 wrote:

'cos im very proud and i don't like it when a mate walks up and goes "haha i shagged your ex" in front of a tonne of mates.
i know its stupid and whatever but its how i am.

Jaysus, what are your enemies like?

This is what your friend did?

colc1

Get her out of your life she sounds like a total nutcase and a user

Amazotheamazing

Just be glad you didn't end up marrying her! Jesus, you dodged a bullet there, the girls a complete nutter.

jubi lee

agree with the others... get rid of her, break all contact... she's not ur best friend and her promises are worth F*ck all....

Pyjamarama

Seanies32 wrote:

Jaysus, what are your enemies like?

This is what your friend did?

This is what I was thinking! One of your supposed friends did this?! I would most certainly do my best to never see a person like this again. If some of this group are really your friends you can meet up with them seperately and not lose contact with everyone. If they are your friends they should respect your wishes that you do not want contact with these horrible people who have majorly f**ked you over. If your other friends don't support you then cut them out, they are not worth it.

You seem to have a great girlfriend now and you can get some friends who have some respect for you. Look to the future and good luck

Talliesin

confused 7649 wrote:

i wanted her to stay away from my mates 'cos im very proud and i don't like it when a mate walks up and goes "haha i shagged your ex" in front of a tonne of mates.

Eh, WTF?

Let's forget the whole thing about whether or not to be friends with your ex and how that particular friendship is or is not going.

Why are you hanging out with a bunch of sexually-repressed losers?

Are they making your life happier?

Having sex with a friend's ex is pretty much just going to happen to a lot of people because people move in certain circles and both long-term, short-term and one-night encounters will naturally arise in those circles.

But why on earth would someone say "haha, I shagged your ex?" That speaks of a deep alienation from their own sexuality. If this is actually the norm rather than the actions of one individual in the group with serious issues its going to breed more and more ****ed up behaviour. No wonder you're such a drama-queen if you're living in that maelstrom - if you weren't feeding on the drama you'd choke on it.

I think you might be advised to take a look at a lot more than just this one aspect of your ex's behaviour.

ferdi

your male friends sound like arseholes and that girl sounds like a pscho bitch slut. tell them to **** off and make new better friends