Serious Trust Problem

LegacyUser

I'm with my gf 5 years, last month i found out she was seeing somebody else behind my back (by this i mean they were texting each other 10times a day and kissed each other a few times), but i found out and she stopped. I went away for a few weeks to clear my head up and we are now back with each other as i believe we are great together.

But everytime shes out without me now i start to get all things going through my head and i do get really worried and freaked out, in other words i dont think i feel i can't really trust her or something. I do then text her telling her this (im usually drunk to).

Other than that we're gret together 90% of the time, its just when shes away that i get like this.

What does this mean, am i ever going to be totally able to trust her again?? Anyone any advice or help they can offer me?

karen3212

Hi OP, have you and your partner talked this incident through enough. Do you have any idea why she did what she did. Tbh if it were me, I'd be extremely upset, that my husband couldn't say how he was feeling before it happened. But all relationships are diff imo. So... I hope at least you talk the whole thing through properly with your other half, and tell her how you feel. I really do think communication is the key for me anyway. Take care

Edit, sorry didn't realize they had kissed, in that case, was she complaining about your relationship before anything happened? If this had happened to me, I would probably dump too, but five years is a long relationship, she really would have to understand your trust issues. By the way what ages are you? Does she think you are great together too, and is she understanding about your problems now.

Stench Blossoms

I'd dump her.

If she did it once and got away with it then she'll do it again.

D Bronc

I'd dump her.

If she did it once and got away with it then she'll do it again.

Not Necessarily!

You have to talk to your partner and explain how you're feeling, if she cant understand ask her how would she feel if the shoe was on the other foot. Maybe you could ask her to go to marraige counselling. It seems you got back together quickly and never spoke about what happened.

I wouldnt give up on her just yet, everyone deserves a second chance dont they?

You wont trust her again just over night that trust will have to be built up again. You took her back so obviously you forgave her but slapping it back up in her face when you're drunk or shes out is not fair, and if you dont make changes soon you will probably drive her away as a result:( .

I dont think you will be able to move on from this until you really speak about it and learn to understand and trust again, and if ye can do it on ye're own, great if not marraige counselling is there.

Hope things get better soon:) .

dudara

Some relationships will fall apart with infidelity and some survive. People don't cheat without reason. You need to sit down with her and discuss the state of your relationship. Only then will you be able to see the path forward, whatever it will be. Continuing to be untrusting in your head will only compound the problems that currently exist.

CathyMoran

Dudara makes a lot of sense. I was in a relationship where my other half cheated on me and we got back together but it took years to get over the fact that he had cheated on me, in the end we had to go to relationship councelling. Relationship councelling is a really good way that you can express your feelings in a neutral environment and I can not reccomend it highly enough. You can get your trust back for her, it will just take time (and probably councelling).

SarahSassy

Did she give him up because she genuinely chose you over him or did she give him up because you forced her to????

If she is genuinely not interested in him you are pretty safe, if not, then you need to find out why she cheated and if you are a solid couple.

pretty-in-pink

She might have being feel neglected and then cheated (it's why most girls cheat)

Talk it through and try sort it. If you can't trust her, it will break ye up.

AngryBadger

As ever I have to play devil's advocate here.

If you've been together 5 years surely she could have at least attempted to communicate with you if there was such a major problem that she felt the need to start seeing someone else behind your back? Granted you may have onyl been together 4 years or soemthing when this happened, but even so, I'd have to ask serious questions about someone just deciding to wander off once things got difficult or the spark faded.

Or were you inaccessible to her? Was this the kind of situation where she was taken forgranted? Not that it excuses her failure to communicate that to you but it would make more sense.

LegacyUser

Yes we have talked about it quite a lot, she never really gives me a proper answer as to why she did it, she always ends up getting really upset and pissed off when i bring it up. All she says is that she liked the attention cos i wasnt really around at the time (I had to work 3 weeks in Paris and 1 week in Dublin, so I wasnt around all the time, I worked like this for 4months when it started to happen). But when i was there i was with all the time and when i was away i emailed her and rang her everyday.

I didnt force her to choose, she didnt even consider him for a second, i know for a fact shes so in love and mad about me (which is why i find it hard to understand why it all happened, but i put it down to me not being there).

BTW were not married either.

I just get really bad feelings when shes out when in relaity i dont think anything would happen, but you never know and this has put doubts in my mind now when. These thoughts just get worse when im sitting there (especially if ive had a few drinks) and i actually nealry convince myself that she is cheating on me!

SarahSassy

She feels guilty but she definitely owes you these answers... I would point that out to her..... She was in the wrong and you need answers to get your head around it...

As another poster pointed out, women mainly cheat when they dont feel like they are getting attention / listened to... You can call her and talk to her but if she feels that you are not listening to her then she will feel neglected... Have a think about the way to respond to her if she tells you she is having a problem.. Do you tell her what to do or do you listen to her??? Its small things like that, which may seem nuts to men, that can mean the difference as to whether a woman is happy in her relationship or not...

Women can be independent and stroing but in reality a lot of us want to be minded and cared for by our other halves....

CathyMoran

I never got reasons why my other half cheated, I only got excuses but in the end I forgave them because they were emotionally in a bad place at the time. It still hurts like anything now and it is 5 years later.

OP, I think that you need to get yourself into a position where you can forgive her fully, though I do not think that you can ever forget fully. You can learn to trust her, you have said that you know that she really loves you, well, that is the first step.

AngryBadger

I think if she's not willing to give you a concrete explanation as to why she felt driven to start seeing someone else then you need to consider terminating the relationship.

4 months of 3 weeks a month away is not the worst I've heard of at all. Especially if you were, as you've said, in contact with her on a daily basis. What happens in years to come when there's even more pressure like perhaps a child, or a mortgage? What if you have to be away from her then? Does the fact that you're so willing to forgive give her tacit license to go off and start meeting other guys?

I do't mean to be feeding into the trust issues you're having right now, but I also don't believe in white-washing over the reality of the situation.

If you two are together 5 years I assume you have very real feelings for each other. You should both understand by now that communication is critical to a healthy fulfilling relationship for both parties.

She cheated, you forgave her, but you need to know you can trust her again. In order for that to happen she needs to explain why she suddenly felt the need to cheat on you? It's not good enough for her to dissolve into tears every time you press her for an answer.

If she wants you to trust her again, she needs to tell you what went wrong, whether it was something on your end, or something on her end. I understand this may be difficult for her if she's genuinely sorry, but I don't see how you can trust her if she's not willing to do this.

Lamps

Make her explain exactly why she did i and then try sorting the problem out.

It takes a while to trust again but you's can do it if your good together

Anti

Once a cheater always a cheater i say. Move on with your life.

She couldnt handle 3 weeks without attention?? Think about that hard, thats a very poor quality in someone and one that would not inspire a whole load of confidence in them. Is she highly insecure and in constant need of reassurances??