Feeling Empty

LegacyUser

Well going unreg and hopefully this ain't too long.

About 8 months ago I moved down to my other half's hometown, changed jobs and everything. Things are okay but there are a few problems. Mainly that we don't do anything together ever.
Okay we might do the shopping together but thats about it. I'm not a big drinker by no means but I do like going out and having a laugh but the problem is I have no mates around here. None at all, i know her friends and thats it.
She works weekends aswell which is a problem because our weekends are gone. Which means we have to make an effort to get to go out but by the sounds of things she doesn't want to go out with me. Since I moved down she has gone out with her friends a few times, not once was I invited, it was just expected that I sit at home on my own all night. Yesterday she said to me she wanted to go out tonight because one of her friends is meeting up with an old flame and none of the other girls know this lad so she HAS to go out because she knows the lad. She asked me was that okay and I said "look why are you asking me, if you want to go out then go out" and she just asked what I was going to do. So I said I am going to go back home for the night, she then got annoyed with me asking why and I said that I didn't like being left in the house all the time while I can never go out for a few drinks even if I wanted to because I have no friends here. So she got annoyed and said everyone won't go out tonight now making meel feel like a spanner!

I just said to her that its hard for me being here when I am being excluded from everything, if her mates come up to our house they all go upstairs away from me, or else just to a room far away from me and start chatting away for hours. Also our $ex life is non-existant anymore, I mean we might be lucky to have it once every month or two but I really have to hassle her for that.
I feel like she doesn't want to be with me anymore but is just staying with me because I gave up everything to move in with her and neither of us can afford the rent on the house on our own. I just feel empty all day every day and its not a nice feeling and I don't know what to do now, I have said it to her but its never listened to.

All advice welcome...

Beruthiel

FeelingBlue wrote:

I feel like she doesn't want to be with me anymore but is just staying with me because I gave up everything to move in with her and neither of us can afford the rent on the house on our own. I just feel empty all day every day and its not a nice feeling and I don't know what to do now, I have said it to her but its never listened to.

All advice welcome...

Sit her down and tell her this. Tell her everything you said above.
Perhaps she doesn't realise how much this is bothering you, though anyone with a bit of sensitivity would have brought you along on a night out as you know nobody.
See what the response is, if nothing changes, leave her.

LegacyUser

Beruthiel wrote:

Sit her down and tell her this. Tell her everything you said above.
Perhaps she doesn't realise how much this is bothering you, though anyone with a bit of sensitivity would have brought you along on a night out as you know nobody.
See what the response is, if nothing changes, leave her.

I told her last night, mostly the response I got was "Am I not allowed have a life". I just don't get it anymore, I adore her and anytime I am doing anything I invite her, she doesn't go near my family home for some reason and I don't know why because everyone loves her at home.
I doubt we can talk about it because last night I just said to her that its depressing to be at home all the time alone and after a while she just said to me that I was making her feal guilty for going out by saying I'm depressed(Which I didn't say).
I really don't want to leave her because other than this she is fantastic but she won't change it. Like one of the nights she went out with the girls I didn't mind but an hour before she went out I got a phone call to say a family member was rushed to hospital and if things didn't improve they would be dead that night. She cancelled and her "mates" hassled her to go out as if it was my fault, texts just saying "oh ask him if its okay for you to come out" etc. I told her to go out and the second she left I felt so miserable I opened a bottle of wine and cried for ages, I was in a horrible situation with noone there to comfort me.

Knockoff Nige

When you say 'other half' do you mean wife? Might not seem like important info but I think it is. I think it is your responsibility to setup your new life. Would you be able to do it if you moved on your own?

Also, would you really want to hang out with a bunch of girls? It sounds to me like you really didnt think the whole 'move' through before you did it. Get involved with something in the community. I had a discussion with someone a week ago about how he found the new town he had moved to. He said he wished the earth would swallow the place up. I know all about that town and I know that loads of people live happy lives there and there are lo9ts of friendly people. Its up to you to make it work for you. Its not up to the town to give you a leg up.

Beruthiel

From what you say above, I see her as very selfish and thoughtless.
Of course she is allowed to have her own life, but you moved to her home place for her and the least she could do is help you settle, what has she done in that regard? What have you done in that regard?
She has mates and wants to go out with them, so she should, but you should be included until you settle.

I told her to go out and the second she left I felt so miserable I opened a bottle of wine and cried for ages, I was in a horrible situation with noone there to comfort me.

In fairness, you told her to go out, try being honest and straight, if you needed her that night, you should just have said so.

You say you love her, but if you are miserable and depressed, what's the point?
You have two choices, either make this work by making a life in her home town, ask her for help with that.
or
leave

LegacyUser

'

Beruthiel wrote:

From what you say above, I see her as very selfish and thoughtless.
Of course she is allowed to have her own life, but you moved to her home place for her and the least she could do is help you settle, what has she done in that regard? What have you done in that regard?
She has mates and wants to go out with them, so she should, but you should be included until you settle.



In fairness, you told her to go out, try being honest and straight, if you needed her that night, you should just have said so.

You say you love her, but if you are miserable and depressed, what's the point?
You have two choices, either make this work by making a life in her home town, ask her for help with that.
or
leave

I have tried organising weekly activities with work colleagues and I go out for a bout an hour every week to do this but from a social point of view they all have their own little groups they go out with so its impossible to go out with them for a drink.
Well we don't go out anywhere, when we do its just shopping of to visit her family and thats about it.
I have asked her for help and anyone I know down here is through her but they are not always around and when they are its just her that goes out with them.

The reason I told her to go is because every minute she was getting a text begging her to go out and she just kept asking me was it okay. I am not going to force her to be there with me when it was clear she didn't want to be, her mates would have just kept at her so to just stop all this I told her to go out but if she cared she would have known I needed her at that moment in time.'

Drift

Hey feelingblue I play a both football and soccer with my local club teams and I find that when new guys who have just moved to the area join the team they always fit in pretty well and make the type of friends they can head for a few drinks with.

You don't mention what age you are but I'd guess late 20s early 30s? In that case joining a footbal or soccer club might help. Even if you're not very good it doesn't matter you'll still probably enjoy yourself and get fit in the process which is bound to improve the depression too.

maxjam

I concur,

What age are you?

Do you do any sports?

join a team,

GAA, Hurling, soccer, hockey, karate, cycling, running, poker?

do the mates like you at all?

do her mates have fellas?

ask her when can you get to meet their other halfs?

At least then you could go out with them when the girls are going out.

Has she got brothers you could head out with?

Your work mates, get to know them better and organise something every couple of weeks whereby you go out all night once a month rather than 1 hour every week, invite some of them to your house some night and dont ask her if its ok, then tell her when you get home that your getting the lads over for beers some night. stamp some authority onto your relationship, dont run after her all the time, dont depend on her to look after you.

Ive been here before and the problem was that she wanted me to go do my own thing,

she sounds like she wants you to be independent and interesting by making your own way and having your own life outside of a couple,

if you can do this, i can assure you she will show more interest in you.

dont aslways wait until you know what she is doing, just organise something and then tell her your not around on saturday.

Also dont be afraid to go home the odd weekend and go out with your old mates, and get them to come down from time to time and go out down there, if your house is big enough couldnt they stay over?

I may have some facts incorrect, but hey, thats my 2c.

Mr. Incognito

Find a pub with a pool table. That is a banker.

I can't believe your missus went out with her mates when you had a personal crisis going on. I'd tell my mates to shove off in that situation. Reverse the situation. Would YOU go out with the lads in that position.
Burn baby burn. I'd be moving home.

milkerman

I dont think your finding new friends locally is the core of the problem. I think the problem is your girl is finding it difficult to adjust to being part of a couple. She is just not ready to settle down maybe.
She is entitled to a life of her own, but when she partnered up with you she GAVE YOU the right to a share in her life.
She should never tell her friends she cant go out because you wont let her - that is disloyalty to you.
I dont think this set up will last the test of time, you will get fed up & leave or she will meet someone else (while socialising) and leave. Sorry, but thats what I see happening in the medium term.

comongethappy

I'm really sorry - but your other half sounds like a selfiish cow. You are going through a hard time of adjustment, and had a family crisis, and she abandoned you? I mean, the least she could do, as she is a social person, is organise a couple's night out w/ a few of her mates and their bfs / hubbies, to help you meet the locals. I would seriously think of where the relationship is heading if I were you, especially if you want to have kids in the future, as it sounds like you would end up being the sitter for her nights out.

I had the same problem meeting people when I moved, but in fairness my other half isn't very social (doesn't drink, etc) and wouldn't go out so I found it hard to meet people at first. I agree, try activities like tag rugby (if you have no experience try to go for the beginners or C team - it's more about have a bit of craic than being competitive), football, gaelic, etc.

Good luck with everything!