Our life dictated by his job

LegacyUser

This might be a bit long, as the problem needs a bit of back story to put it in perspective. I've been with my husband for about 7 years and since I've known him he has been very ambitious in his work. This isn't something I've always easily understood because while I care about my job I'm much more of a 'work to live' type person. But it's a part of who he is and I love him. Twice in our relationship we have had to move to follow his work. I have always been ok with it because at the time we moved it seemed like an adventure and we were younger and it was fun to live in different places.

In the last few years he has become a bit disillusioned with his career. It hasn't been moving in the way he hoped it would. Not through any fault of his but because his industry has changed due to changes in technology and out-sourcing to countries with cheaper workforces. So he has been finding himself either doing what amounts to grunt work connected with his chosen field or more advanced work in a slightly different area. He has also been very homesick.

Last year he started talking a lot about following the career path in the different area. I was a bit shocked as he has always been so devoted to the other aspect of his work. But he said he was feeling like he was pursuing a job which no longer existed and if he followed the other career there were aspects to it which he might really enjoy. The other thing is that the other career exists in Ireland and moving home could be in our future.

6 months ago we had a trip home and to be honest it was like being with a different person. I had become so used to how depressed and unhappy he is here that I forgot what we used to be like. I know our trip home was a holiday and he wouldn't always be so relaxed but it was impossible to ignore how much the life we have depresses him. After that we started talking about moving home for good and I also realised how much I hate where we live and what a poor quality of life we have.

Then as we were making plans to move home he got placed on a project which is the type he loves working on. He is all excited about his work again and while I'm happy for him I am so unbelievably miserable about the thought of staying here after all.

Also he works such long hours, last night he came home at 1am and was back in work at 9am this morning and will finish around 10.30pm tonight and he will be working at least 6 days this week. And this is the way it is always going to be. Those hours are bad enough now but if we have children I will basically be a single parent. If we were in Ireland he would sometimes work long hours but not as much and I would have both our families for support, here I have no-one.

I don't want to live this way anymore. I was coping with it and thinking everything was ok until 6 months ago when we decided to move home and he pointed out all the personal advantages of living at home. We were making plans that would have given us a comfortable, good quality life at home and now I have to give them up and I don't want to.

I hate living here, I feel sick everyday. I try to keep thinking of all the positive aspects of my life here or to make new plans to make the most of where we are. I have told him how I feel, but he is so excited about the work he is doing and the career this might lead to that he doesn't really understand how unhappy I am now.

I don't know what to do.

sjaakie

it sounds like his primary motivation in life is his career which is ok if both of ye are like this but thats not the case here. it sounds like your husband is actually married to his job and not u. his focus in life is misplaced or totally out of sync with yours. i can see loneliness and suffering in your words. I would suggest that u challenge him on his balance in life and paint a picture of his future life path and what he will be missing out on his way to retierment and try to enlighten him to all the differentpleasures that life can bring to those that have a more balanced perspective. maybe he has a chip on his shoulder or a role model that is larger than life?
the fact that he was able to enjoy a holiday at home and was a different and lovely person is a good sign that he has just misplaced his focus and with a little encouragement and enlightenment could be a good partner for u.

Pinker

You are possibly with the wrong guy, has he asked you how you feel about all of this,?

DublinWriter

homesick wrote:

I don't know what to do.

I'm guessing that he's in his late-20s to mid-30s and works in IT, right?

If that's the case, he wouldn't be alone. Lot's of people in that age range are re-evaluating their decision to work in IT due to the ever-changing and fickle nature of the business.

But it would helpful to state where you're homesick for, as it will place your experience in context for us. Are you originally Irish?

Carrigart Exile

That's tough for you OP. Could you get him to agree when this project concludes (as it will) that the next step is home. Out of sheer nosiness, where are you currently based

Dalfiatach

DublinWriter wrote:

I'm guessing that he's in his late-20s to mid-30s and works in IT, right?

If that's the case, he wouldn't be alone. Lot's of people in that age range are re-evaluating their decision to work in IT due to the ever-changing and fickle nature of the business.

I resemble that remark...

Working in IT was interesting, fun even, in my 20s and I got to see a fair bit of the world through work. When you get to your 30s and are considering settling down, you realise what a crappy job it actually is. Fickle, random, ridiculously prone to fads, looooong hours (and no overtime or time in lieu, not in IT!), moronic managers that commit to projects and pluck impossible deadlines out of their arses and promise those deadlines to the rest of the company before even consulting the people who will actually have to do the work to see if the promised project is even technically possible never mind sensible. As for having any input whatsoever into how long the job will take, forget it!

And then everyone else wonders why IT projects tend to be late, and prgrammers are all cranky cynics :rolleyes: Usually the first we hear about any project is when the manager wanders over to your desk and says "2 months ago I promised Marketing you would develop a web-enabled superninja media booking application for them for next Wednesday. I've no idea what that even means, it's all techy jargon babble to me. Just build it anyway, and if you complain just remember you can be easily replaced".

OP - yer hubby is a workaholic. Which in some ways is even worse than being married to somone taken by the demon drink...Unfortunately, like all addicts, he has to realise this by himself. If you try to persuade him that his obsession with work is wrecking both your lives, he'll just go and work even harder.

Life's too short to be spending 80 hours a week in an office with a load of assholes all preening, trying to out-do one another with the amount of hours they put in, and furiously backstabbing one another as they squirm up the greasy pole. Especially in a job you don't actually even enjoy much. He's trying to tell himself he really, really loves it when it's obvious to you that he doesn't at all, and he's latching on to any faint glimmer of hope that things will get better, because to walk away would be, to him, like admitting defeat and that he wasn't actually very good at the job in the first place.

Been in his shoes once upon a time. Wised up of my own accord eventually, but not before I'd managed to badly damage quite a few friendships and kill one serious romance.

Beruthiel

homesick wrote:

I have told him how I feel, but he is so excited about the work he is doing and the career this might lead to that he doesn't really understand how unhappy I am now.

I feel for you homesick.
I understand that some people live to work, however if I live to be a hundred, I'll never get why.
We get to live for x amount of years, I've always been of the opinion that while I'm here I want to experience lots of things, do lots of things and have loads of fun, working pays for that, end of.
To live your whole life working and then just die at the end of it, to me is a very sad thing and what was the point of it if you have no life beyond that?
It certainly is no where near as important as spending time with those close to you, nor should work get in the way of important relationships that you wish to keep with you through your life.
Sit him down again, get his full attention and spill you heart out to him.
Remember, this is your life too, you only get the one and it's up to you to make it as happy as you can.

ircoha

Beruthiel wrote:

I feel for you homesick.
I understand that some people live to work, however if I live to be a hundred, I'll never get why.
We get to live for x amount of years, I've always been of the opinion that while I'm here I want to experience lots of things, do lots of things and have loads of fun, working pays for that, end of.
To live your whole life working and then just die at the end of it, to me is a very sad thing and what was the point of it if you have no life beyond that?
It certainly is no where near as important as spending time with those close to you, nor should work get in the way of important relationships that you wish to keep with you through your life.
Sit him down again, get his full attention and spill you heart out to him.
Remember, this is your life too, you only get the one and it's up to you to make it as happy as you can.

OP: top class advice above:
This bit is worth repeating:

Sit him down again, get his full attention and spill you heart out to him.
Remember, this is your life too, you only get the one and it's up to you to make it as happy as you can.

The next step after that is for you to come back here.
He will know where to find you.
When I worked in Canada I had a friend in exactly the same situation, with her hubby on project work.
The icing on the cake was that she got pregnant first but kept 'mum' about it till she got home.
He was more than little irritated when his mother-in-law called him up to tell him: he saw the light and came home: they have 4 grown up kids now.

You are not an extension or appendage so you live your life.
Keep well.

kmick

OP Does he work in accenture by any chance?

Mr. Incognito

Why don't you just go home and let him follow you.You've made it perfectly clear that you're on your own and miserable.

humanji

homesick wrote:

Also he works such long hours, last night he came home at 1am and was back in work at 9am this morning and will finish around 10.30pm tonight and he will be working at least 6 days this week. And this is the way it is always going to be.

This is how it's going to be if you let it. If you're unhappy, sit him down and tell him. It's not all about his career, and even if he has the best job in the world that he loves, it means nothing if it's making you miserable. Tell him exactly what you told us.

LegacyUser

'Thanks for the replies. Tbh I'm surprised that they were all so supportive of me because I feel guilty about how I'm feeling. Because I knew how he worked his job when we first started dating and I decided that I could live with it.

I thought I could put up with it until he started talking about quitting and doing a more normal type of job. And then we started planning a future that would have us living a more normal life. But he's so excited about this project. Even after long stressful days he comes home glowing. I don't want to be the one to take that away from him. And if I did insist we move home and he take a more boring job he would come to resent me.

A lot of my friends have even suggested that he will change once we have kids. Which sounds to me like silly advice because that means making another person on the off chance that it will change my husband. I might be being idealistic but while we are both very broody there is no way I want to have a baby without some sort of assurance that he isn't going to work these hours anymore. As homesick as I am I wouldn't mind staying here a few more years and even having a child here if he worked shorter hours and I could count on him to be around. I have friends here but it is very lonely to come home to an empty house every night.

He assures me that his hours will settle down after next week, though I've heard that before, so I guess i'll give it afew weeks and see how things go. After that we will have to come to a proper decision about our future.'