how to know a player??

LegacyUser

I really need advice re. avoiding players or developing better awareness about men who are just after sex and are very good at making you think that they are really into you....


How can you tell a decent guy from one of these ****? I've been caught out twice and I'm at the point where I just wanna stay away from men completely.

Movershaker

How long were you seeing these two guys? In what scenarios? The reason I'm asking is that generally (imo) players aren't interested in getting to know girls that much, and putting in an effort. If you're getting to the stage where you're spending time together during the day at the weekend, or other times when sex isn't really on the cards, that points towards someone who's genuine.

Just try to not get into a situation where sex is inevitable until you're sure about the guy.

Also, I don't really buy into the whole "he's just interested in sex" thing. I mean a lot of guys are just into that, but don't really pretend to be mad into someone in the meantime. As much as we like to think they're all deceitful little players, sometimes its worth remembering they're just not that into us! (To steal a famous phrase). Maybe you're just reading too much into these relationships too early on...?

AthAnRi

Its a tough one alright. I think every guy is a good guy when they finally meet the right Girl. I would say that to prevent being used for sex the best way is to not give it up. It can be a lot harder than just saying that I know but a good guy will wait if he is interested in you.

Personally I'm on the other end of the spectrum. My problem is i'm toooo nice(without blowing my own trumpet). I find it hard to make a move. Its really pisses me off too when a girl I like goes off with some tosser that treats her like ****.

Can I ask you a question, is there any nice guy in your life that you don't like cause he's too shy??

Bottle_of_Smoke

Ones to watch out for -

Is he comfortable with you in Public? Does he mind holding your hand or you kissing him?

If he just wants to ride you he'll feel edgy being seen with you because he's advertising that he's taken & someone he really wants might see.

Does he mind meeting your friends/family - he won't like deluding a bunch of people just to get your pants down. Particularly family if it's not too soon for that.


PS You're not allowed tell other girls about the above!

Firetrap

+1

Don't sleep with him too soon, especially not within hours of meeting him. Sex too soon muddies the water. He can be as nice to you as he wants if he knows he'll get his leg over later on.

Another indicator is if contact with you is erratic i.e. you don't hear from him for days, then he mysteriously reappears when the coast is clear.

John Mason

LOL that is the question all single girls ask themselves. there is no way of knowing thb. if he hangs around after 6 weeks of no sex, you might have found a good 'un but probably not

Canis Lupus

irishbird wrote:

If he hangs around after 6 weeks of no sex, you might have found a good 'un but probably not

Jaysus, trusting aren't ya.

Off topic on tpoic joke:

Three turtles, Joe, Steve, and Raymond, decide to go on a picnic. So Joe packs the picnic basket with cookies, bottled sodas, and sandwiches. The trouble is, the picnic site is 10 miles away, so the turtles take 10 whole days to get there. By the time they do arrive, everyone's exhausted.

Joe takes the stuff out of the basket, one by one. He takes out the sodas and says, 'Alright, Steve, gimme the bottle opener.'

'I didn't bring the bottle opener,' Steve says. 'I thought you packed it.' Joe gets worried. He turns to Raymond. 'Raymond, do you have the bottle opener?'

Naturally, Raymond doesn't have it, so the turtles are stuck ten miles away from home without soda. Joe & Steve beg Raymond to turn back home and retrieve it, but Raymond flatly refuses, knowing that they'll eat everything by the time he gets back.

After about two hours, the turtles manage to convince Raymond to go, swearing on their great-grand turtles' graves that they won't touch the food.

So, Raymond sets off down the road, slow and steadily. Twenty days pass, but no Raymond. Joe and Steve are hungry and puzzled, but a promise is a promise.

Another day passes, and still no Raymond, but a promise is a promise. After three more days pass without Raymond in sight, Steve starts getting restless. 'I NEED FOOD!' he says with a hint of dementia in his voice.

'NO!' Joe retorts. 'We promised.'

Five more days pass. Joe realizes that Raymond probably skipped out to the diner down the road, so the two turtles weakly lift the lid, get a sandwich, and open their mouths to eat.

But then, right at that instant, Raymond pops out from behind a rock, and says, 'I KNEW IT!!!! I'M NOT FVCKING GOING!!!!!!!!!'


You can't really know anything about a bloke till you give him a whirl. Just don't be hopping into bed with him after 5 mins and a drink at the bar.

andrew

Possibly ask a guy friend if he thinks a guy is a player? Usually guys can spot other guys being a player from a mile away

star-pants

Don't know that you can always see when a guys a player... I've been played 3 out of 4 bfs.. it ain't nice I know!! guess all you can do is not be overtrusting (which I tend to be) and don't let em walk over you.. maybe take things slower so you can be more sure of them

vorbis

there is of course a counter argument. Some women are mainly attracted to player types! Not every situation is the same but I've seen a few women play the victim role when a guy "uses" them for sex.

In most cases, you'll be able to tell fairly easily what intentions a guy has. The problem is that some girls find the player mentality attractive and tell themselves that he actually wants her for her and not just for sex. Then when he moves on, that girl gets upset and claims all men are after sex!

Talliesin

Two safest bets:

If they say up front that they are just looking for sex then they're not a player - of course they aren't what you're looking for either, but it's still the case.

If they describe themselves as "nice" without prompting* then at best they're a player (at worse they're not a player but they are a complete ****ing nutjob).

Beyond that you can't really tell. It's not even always easy after the fact to tell someone who was only interested in sex but pretended otherwise from someone who was genuinely interested in something else - at least as a possibility - but who found it wasn't going that way shortly after they did have sex.

* Despite my dislike of people valuing "nice" too much that's not my point here; someone who'll admit to being nice could be okay in this regard but someone who claims to be nice unprompted is a creep.

Miss Fluff

nextmoon wrote:

How can you tell a decent guy from one of these ****? I've been caught out twice and I'm at the point where I just wanna stay away from men completely.

No way of telling whatsoever. You've to kiss a lot of frogs for every prince.

Star Lord

Because the players are being deceiptful in the first place makes it hard to tell if they are or aren't.

Best advice (as echoed above) is just to hold off on the more intimate side. And after all, best things come to those who wait!

Anti

A person who is competitive and gregarious by nature.

The skill of a playa is measured by the extent of his or her "game." The more "game" a playa has, the more respect they command in their community.

A person who has enough game (and hence, enough respect) can do whatever they want, dress however awful (or tacky) they want, say whatever crazy things they want to say, and still win the adoration of others. Often these skills are used to earn sexual or material favors, although not by necessity.

Playas are mostly motivated by the ego drive that comes with self expression and self manifestation for its own ends. In many ways, playas are trend-setters rather than trend-followers.

Game recognizes game, and a true playa will always give respect to a fellow playa when it is due. People who ignore (read: fail to notice), criticize, or alienate themselves from a playa without just cause is referred to as a "playa hater."


Holla !

Firetrap

OP, as a matter of interest, how long was it before you slept with these players?

Mr. Incognito

here's the deal sister. All men want sex. Deal with it. It's normal and natural.

How to know the players? Keep your legs crossed on the first few dates. Players will get bored and move on. Someone who likes you won't AND they will respect you more and trust you for it.

Eiminem put it nicely, "how could it ever be just us two, we just met and I just ****ed you.

The Corinthian

nextmoon wrote:

I really need advice re. avoiding players or developing better awareness about men who are just after sex and are very good at making you think that they are really into you....

First of all there's no reason that a guy is a player simply because he managed to get you in the sack in little time and then moved on.

A 'player' seeks to only have a one night stand or perhaps a fsckbuddy scenario at most with a woman even before sleeping with her. Just because a man left shortly after sex does not mean that this was his original intention - it may simply be a case of things not working out.

As for knowing a player, the answer it you won't. If you did, they'd be bad at what they do. Worse still you may recognize that they are and still not be able to help yourself, which is a very common scenario.

'Holding out' makes little difference either. Men will move on if they have to wait too long regardless of what their original intentions were. Those who are genuinely interested may wait a little longer, but given different men wait for different lengths of time, it's arguable that you can use such a metric in any meaningful fashion.

Static M.e.

Canis Lupus you are a genuis my good man! loved the joke

You can't really know anything about a bloke till you give him a whirl. Just don't be hopping into bed with him after 5 mins and a drink at the bar.

Ditto what he said

Knockoff Nige

I think i would agree with some of the above posters. Perhaps none of the guys you've been with are players but just not satisfied sexually. Would it be worse if they had said' Sorry, you're crap in bed'? Its a fair issue. Also, guys get slated for doing things like this. When a girl does it the guy is told to deal with it, she doesnt like you. I'd offer the same advice.

latenia

Look out for a white shirt unbuttoned to the navel accompanied by a medallion.

Sleepy

The best advice you've gotten here is from The Corinthian. You won't recognise a player if he's any good. If he's not very good at it, you might spot him later on. If he's terrible at it, you'd already recognise him and unless you're attracted to that kind of man in the first place, you're not going to bother with him.

Oh, and maybe read 'The Game' by Neil Strauss. It's totally OTT but much of the 'method' and 'game' used by these guys is stuff lots of men do naturally when they're just after sex (or when they're after sex and more). That said, some of the most meaningful relationships I've had came from little more than an initial physical attraction.

Not much more I can tell you and none of it is going to be much help because in the end, when you like someone it's worth chasing on the off-chance it's going to work. If you spend your life afraid of the consequences of throwing yourself into love, you're never going to find it.

MrMojoRising

don't hate the player nextmoon. hate the game!

Pinker

Wtf is a player exactly, aren't we are all players in our own right??..playing to get something we want, be it love, sex whatever....This term gets a bit too much usage. Really most guys just want to get laid, but also they want to do it with a girl who's good fun and won't wreck his head too much, if she does this succesfully she may gain another visit, if she fails :rolleyes:

LegacyUser

'

Knockoff Nige wrote:

I think i would agree with some of the above posters. Perhaps none of the guys you've been with are players but just not satisfied sexually. Would it be worse if they had said' Sorry, you're crap in bed'? Its a fair issue. Also, guys get slated for doing things like this. When a girl does it the guy is told to deal with it, she doesnt like you. I'd offer the same advice.

I have been in a long term relationship, far as I know for a year and a half my ex was satisfied!!

That was kind of a ****ty thing to say.'

King of Kings

nextmoon - it's unfair to say a guy who slept with you a few times and moved on is a player. he might have just not felt the "feeling" anymore.

the truth is you never know a nice person until you get involved and that's why we all have to take a chance/

Fysh

nextmoon wrote:

I really need advice re. avoiding players or developing better awareness about men who are just after sex and are very good at making you think that they are really into you....


How can you tell a decent guy from one of these ****? I've been caught out twice and I'm at the point where I just wanna stay away from men completely.

Put bluntly - don't have sex within a short time of having just met a guy if you're not comfortable with the idea of there being no long-term result.

It's hard to say since you haven't really put up much more than a complaint about players (and you haven't even explained what you mean by player, though I'm assuming you mean those twits who like to call themselves "seduction artists").

The point is - if you can't handle sex for its own sake (ie devoid of the context of a relationship), then don't act like you can. Specifically, don't rush into sexual involvement with a guy who you don't really know. Otherwise you're just setting yourself up for a fall, and you can't really blame someone else for that unless they deliberately misrepresent themselves to you...

Edited to add:

I just noticed this comment:

nextmoon wrote:

I have been in a long term relationship, far as I know for a year and a half my ex was satisfied!!

That was kind of a ****ty thing to say.'

No, it wasn't really. Unless you've sat down and talked to all the guys, sorry "****" as you chose to put it, who've treated you wrong and used you for sex, then you don't know why things didnt work out like you wanted. And asking a bunch of strangers on t'Interweb is a poor substitute for actually asking the guys themselves.

Why don't you explain a bit more about what's happened with these guys that you mentioned? Without knowing more about your situation it's hard for anyone to give any useful advice.

democrates

nextmoon wrote:

I really need advice re. avoiding players or developing better awareness about men who are just after sex and are very good at making you think that they are really into you....


How can you tell a decent guy from one of these ****? I've been caught out twice and I'm at the point where I just wanna stay away from men completely.

One interesting source of information is their ex's. Not entirely dependable, but potentially informative if you can independently verify facts.

A player operates by finding out what you want, and then telling you what you want to hear. First they have to find out what that is, so your early communication can't be too personal.

EG. if I meet a single mother, instantly I can play the card of being financially secure and potentially being interested in stepping in to play dad. Could be complete lies, she'll be so invigorated at the prospect of getting what she and her chiselers need that she'll get busy trying to demonstrate the treats I can expect or she's tying to fool me into believing will accrue should we proceed. Nookie on tap for scum.

That's deliberately a sick scenario, but we all know real life examples. Whatever your needs, if you wear your heart on your sleeve you run the risk of fraud. If you keep your cards close to your chest, you can avoid fraud, but you may also avoid genuine relationships.

There's no avoiding risk. As with any investment, do your research first, and never invest more than you can afford to lose.

AngryBadger

Look, there's no such thing as a guy who isn't after sex. There are plenty of guys who will wait months for sex with a partner, there are guys who expect sex on the first date. But all guys expect sex at some stage.

now there are guys who will tell you anything just to get into your panties, (just as there are girls who will say anything just to get you to go out with them), avoiding them is easy. if a guy is jsut after sex he'll want it quickly, like on the first date or thereabouts, make him wait a while. If he sticks around odds are he's genuinely interested in you, and not just getting another notch on his belt.


That said there are no foolprof methods. And sometimes a guy will lose interest after sleeping with someone, maybe because they're crap in bed who can say?