Oirish Jokes, to be sure, to be sure...

mickrourke

Now...
See how you likes them racialist jokes!

Paddy pulls alongside a lorry and shouts 'Oi, driver! You're losing your load!' Driver says 'F*ck off!'

5 miles further along, Paddy again shouts ' Oi, you're losing your load!' Driver again says 'F*ck off!'

5 miles further along, Paddy yells 'I'm not joking! Honestly, you are losing your load!'

Driver then shouts 'Will you go away you thick Irish c*nt, I'm gritting the road!'


Paddy & Mick are walking home after a night out and pass the bus garage.

'Let's just steal a bus' said Paddy, not wanting to walk and offers to keep watch.

20 mins later he looks in to see Mick flapping, 'I can't find a No. 7!'

Paddy replies 'You f*cking idiot, just take a No. 9 and we'll walk from the roundabout!'


Paddy finds a sandwich in the gutter with 2 red wires sticking out of it. He phones the police and says "Help me bejesus i've found a sandwich that looks like a bomb". The operator replies "is it tickin"? "No" says Paddy "Oi tink its beef"!!!

The Bollox

expecially like the bus one

Wacker

They're good, but I don't think they're Lolocaust material. The humour forum might suit better. But what do I know?

Hagar

D'ye no what Wacker, yer right.

Moved to Humour.

Slow Motion

OK I'll chip in.......


Paddy and Mick are on safari in Africa. After a couple of days they are camping beside a river bedding down for the night in their sleeping bags. Just as they are nodding off they hear a huge racket and a load of splashing. Paddy shines his torch into the river and sees this big fcuk off crocodile facing him and can just make out some poor buggers head in it's mouth. He wakes Mick up and says "Jaysus Mick would you look at that flash ba$tard in his designer sleeping bag !"

TeenageKicks

How does someone get access to lolocaust?

mickrourke

TeenageKicks wrote:

How does someone get access to lolocaust?

well it involves a bunch of naked men whipping you with branches....
Oh wait no, thats my knitting club.
just PM hagar, slip him a tenner and your in!

Oliverdog

Pat and Mick, two Kerrymen, were bemoaning their circumstances.

“It’s no good”, said Pat, “I haven’t a penny to my name. I’m going to rob a Bank.”

“That’s no good,” said Mick. “Everybody knows you round this way – you’d be picked up right away.”

“Then I’ll go to Dublin,” said Pat.

“Listen,” said Mick. “You’ve a Kerry accent you could cut with a knife. You’ve got a criminal record. They’d be down here waiting for you as soon as you got home. Here’s the plan. My sister works for Radio Kerry as a voice coach. Go and see her – she’ll give you some tips about speaking a bit quieter and slower and disguising your accent. Then borrow a nice suit, get a sawn-off shotgun, and off to Dublin with you.”



Two weeks later, Pat walks into a main branch of the Bank of Ireland in the City of Dublin. He patiently waits his turn, then walks up to the available cashier. He pulls aside his jacket to show his firearm, then quietly and slowly, with no trace of an accent, delivers the speech he has been working on.

“I’m armed, and I’m dangerous. Please will you hand over all the money, or the consequences will be very unpleasant for you and all your colleagues”.

The cashier looks up, and with a smile, says “Ah, good morning sir. From Kerry, are you?”

Pat glares at her. “How did you feckin’ know that?” he shouts.

“You’ve sawn the wrong end off your shotgun”.

The Bollox

that's brilliant! one of the best Kerryman jokes I've heard

Boxman

Slow Motion wrote:

OK I'll chip in.......


Paddy and Mick are on safari in Africa. After a couple of days they are camping beside a river bedding down for the night in their sleeping bags. Just as they are nodding off they hear a huge racket and a load of splashing. Paddy shines his torch into the river and sees this big fcuk off crocodile facing him and can just make out some poor buggers head in it's mouth. He wakes Mick up and says "Jaysus Mick would you look at that flash ba$tard in his designer sleeping bag !"

It was a Lacoste sleeping bag!

ifumust82

Some good jokes there, the kerryman one especially

Oliverdog

Pat and Mick arrived in Dublin on the bus from West Kerry. It was the Friday before the All Ireland final against Cork, and they had time on their hands. The choice was simple. Should they embark on a hell-raising binge-drinking session in the city, or should they spend an evening at the variety theatre? As you might expect, they chose the latter.

The English ventriloquist was on his first visit to Ireland, and had prepared his act well for the urbane and sophisticated Dublin audience. He had dressed his dummy in a bright green suit, a cheeky green pointed hat, and entertained the crowd to one Kerryman joke after another, each one funnier then the one before. The audience was in stitches, but Pat could stand it no longer. He leapt to his feet.

“Why must we tolerate this racist abuse?” he shouted. “The Kingdom of Kerry is a beautiful and noble land, and its people have given this country some of its most outstanding citizens, many of whom are in the city this weekend!” He looked around the audience for support. He saw none.

The ventriloquist was aghast. “I’m terribly sorry, sir. I meant no offence at all, and certainly not to the Kerryman. I am a great admirer of the history and culture of this great nation, and I apologise to you.”

Pat held up his hands. “I have no argument with you, sir. I was talking to that little bastard there!”

mickrourke

I tell ya, I'd hate to be one of them stupid paddys right now.....


What do you call a Kerryman on a bicycle?
A dope peddler.

A Kerryman was suffering from pains in his knees, so he visited the doctor.
"You're suffering from a disease that we medical experts call "kneeitis", said the doctor. "Take it easy for a month or so and above all don't climb any stairs. That puts a terrible strain on the knees."
A month later the Kerryman returned and after a brief examination was found to have recovered completely.
"Can I climb the stairs now Doctor?"
"Certainly," replied the Doctor.
"Thank Heavens," said the Kerryman, "I was getting a bit browned off climbing up the drainpipe every time I wanted to go to the toilet."

A construction site boss was interviewing men for a job, when along came Murphy. The boss thought, "I'm not hiring that lazy Mick..." so he decided to set a test for Murphy hoping he wouldn't be able to answer the questions, and he'd be able to refuse him the job without getting into an argument.
The first question was, Without using numbers, represent the number 9. Murphy says, "Dats easy" and proceeds to draw three trees. The boss says, "What the hell is that?" Murphy says "Tree 'n tree n' tree makes nine". Fair enough, says the boss.
Second question, same rules, but represent 99. Murphy stares into space for a while, then makes a smudge on each tree. "Der ya go sir" he says. The boss scratches his head and says, "How on earth do you get that to represent 99?" Murphy says, "each tree's dirty now! So it's dirty tree, n' dirty tree n' dirty tree, dats 99."
The boss is getting worried he's going to have to hire him, so he says, "All right, question three. Same rules again, but represent the number 100". Murphy stares into space again, then he shouts, "I got it!" he makes a little mark at the base of each tree, and says, "There ya go sir. 100." The boss looks at Murphy's attempt and thinks, Ha! Got him this time. "Go on Murphy, you must be crazy if you think that represents a hundred."
Murphy leans forward and points to the marks at the tree bases, and says, "A little dog comes along and craps by each tree, so now ya got, dirty tree an' a turd, dirty tree an' a turd, and dirty tree an' a turd, which makes a hundred, when do I start my job?"

Two Kerryman went on a holiday to France and stayed at a country farmhouse. They were disgusted to find that everybody in France, even the kids, spoke French.
One morning they were awoken by a cock crowing.
"Do you know," said one Kerryman to the other, "That's the first word of English we've heard spoken since we arrived!"

An Irishman went to a pet shop and asked how many budgies were in stock. "We have 99" replied the shop owner "Give us the lot" said the Irish man, paid for them and left. He went to a tailors shop and had 99 pockets sewn into a jacket, put a budgie in each pocket, went up to the Post Office Tower and jumped off. He hit the ground with an almighty smack and lay there groaning until a passer-by came and asked him what had happened. "I don't know sur" he replied "but that's the last time I try that budgie jumping"

Slow Motion

Boxman wrote:

It was a Lacoste sleeping bag!

No flies on you squire !:)