Marriage in Crisis!!!

Babybass

Hello all,
I have been married for 6 years to a wonderful man - he is 14 years older than me and I was young getting married - 24. He works hard, is a good husband and provider and a great friend. I am not sexually attracted to him at all anymore and the fact that he works so much annoys me - I see very little of him. I was depressed for a few years and basically just sat at home in the evenings waiting for him whenever he was free to spend time with me - in the last year I have been feeling better and have been going out and doing my own thing - taking up courses and hobbies. I feel 100% better in myself - but I have noticed that I no longer have any interest in my husband. I am not in love with him and would love to live alone. But I would hate to hurt him also. He is such a nice guy. The fact of the matter is that he is still the man I married and I am the one that has changed. I do not know what to do. I have told him how i feel and he now wants to know if i want to stay married - I told him I do not know - but i need to sit down with him this evening and discuss things. I am so confussed and I really have no idea what to say to him or what to do. I am not sure if i can financially support myself but I do not want my decision to be based on that. There are no children involved - so that is something I suppose!
I am not sure what advice I am looking for - there are no right answers.
Thanks!

Nevyn

Well do you want to work at renewing your realtionship or not ?

Babybass

Honestly?? I don't know. I cannot see myself in this life in 10 years - but I would hate to hurt him - and I know all of this will hurt him anyway but I honestly do not know what I want to do.

aidan24326

It sounds like the marriage has reached an end for you. The fact there are no kids involved is a major advantage and it's one huge complication you don't have to worry about. It's important that you don't stay in the marriage for the wrong reasons, e.g financial stability or a feeling that you owe it to your husband to stay put regardless. You'd manage finacially, it might be difficult to begin with but you'd get there.

There is no point staying with your husband if you don't love him anymore. It's not in his interest or yours. You would just grow to resent him over time which would be a pity since you've presumably had some happy times together in the past.

A 'good provider and a great friend' isn't the most ringing endorsement of your marriage, you have to decide if that's enough for you. I suspect it isn't and nor should it be. Sadly people do grow apart and when that happens it's best to be honest about it rather than trying to paper over the cracks.

Saibh

Babybass wrote:

Honestly?? I don't know. I cannot see myself in this life in 10 years - but I would hate to hurt him - and I know all of this will hurt him anyway but I honestly do not know what I want to do.

you should be thinking about yourself - what you want in life now

The Sweeper

Make omelette: break eggs.

You can't do anything without hurting him. Get over it. Take responsibility for the fact that you'll hurt him whatever you do now, especially since you've already told him you're having major doubts.

If you could be guaranteed not to hurt him, what would you do?

Answer that, then realise you need to do it whether or not it hurts him.

milkerman

Agree with the previous post. Are you willing to work at it?

One other thing, depression can alter the way you look at life and the people in it. You may be feeling much better and have developed new interests, but can you accept that it usually takes more than long working hours to kill off a love.

You need to talk to your man in greater detail & maybe set aside time to be with each other again.

Personally, I think its worth a try- But you have to want to make it work.

Babybass

I know I need to think about myself - and if i knew i could not hurt him I would leave. So maybe I need to just leave - knowing it will hurt both of us. I do not want to end up hating him - and I am afraid that he will think i am very selfish to just think about me. Also - no-one really knows that I am unhappy - to the outside world we have a perfect marriage - it will be a big shock to everyone if I just walk away (i do not discuss my problems generally with people). I suppose I am afraid of what people will think and if people will hate me because of it - and I know I cannot think of these things as they should have no bearing on the situation. Mainly I hate hurting him.

Marksie

I am sorry to hear of your situation Babybass. It is saddening when a couple grows apart because work intrevenes and it is such a common issue these days with the culture we now live in.

As you say there are no right or wrong answers in this, just options for you to explore. Additionally, you know yourself and your situation more than we do.

You say you are not in love with him. But there seems to be affection there. As someone once told me, loving someone is totally different (and deeper) than being in love.
That reason why you married him in the first place CAN be recaptured, you can rediscover the intimacy and the buried feelings that were there between the two of you. Its a long process and really is predicated on the both of you wanting to, and making time to do so.

Which leads us to why it went wrong:
I am surmising from what you have said though that your husband was concentrating on being the provider rather than the lover/partner.
It is also true that we are frequently the authors of our own happiness and unhappiness. In this instance your statement that you sat at home waiting for him to be free is the telling one.
In essence you were facilitating this gradual decline in your relationship (and i am not proportionaing blame...its pointless to do so). You have not made it clear but did you make attempts to stop this. Or did you let the routine continue?

Now you have started doing things for yourself you have moved away further from your husband than before, in essence ships that pass in the night.
But is that "I have changed, he hasn't" just an excuse? Is it the real reason?

So perhpas start with really examining yourself and your reasons and root causes for this.

I suppose the basic question you have to answer is: Do I want to stay with my husband?

If not, what is the real reason why you want to leave?. It may be any of the above, it may be a combination or it may be something you haven't even thought about... perhaps this new sense of self and freedom leading to wondering what the "single" life is like.

If you do or you are not sure or are willing to try to rediscover what you saw in the first place then there is the option of guidance counselling.

I dont belive it is of worth me talking about processes you can do to rediscover intimacy until the basic questions above are answered.

If your husband suggests counselling would you go? It may be very catharitic to get everything in the open in teh prtesence of a trained mediator who can hadnle the situiations that develop as they develop.

Whatever you do, take your time and think it through

LegacyUser

This one is difficult I know, but in the end you have to do whats right for urself and in the long run he will relalise it aswell..


Good luck.....

nice1franko

Babybass wrote:

I have told him how i feel and he now wants to know if i want to stay married - I told him I do not know - but i need to sit down with him this evening and discuss things.

Don't get me wrong, I'm all for getting out of abusive or loveless marriages but this seems a bit rash to me.

Do you not think you at least owe him an attempt at working things out? I mean, it's a marriage after all and you're supposed to stay together through the crests and troughs of it - or at least attempt to.

That said, you sound like your mind is made up about it.

Babybass

I have tried - we have spoken before and I know that he is not the problem. He is exactly the man I married 6 years ago. I have tried to get him to set his nights off so I can arrange to be home - but he always decides at the last minute to take a night off - and what i meant was before I would have been home anyway or would have dropped all plans to stay home but I do not do that anymore - if I have plans then I go ahead with them. He thinks that I do not want to spend time with him - but I have tried to come to a solution. I know the more he works the more he earns - but honestly money isn't worth that much!!
And maybe in my heart I have decided - but I would like to try work at it. And maybe it is that the lure of single life is ever present - I have never lived on my own and in a way i feel like i missed out! And I know that sounds childish - but i am having trouble even thinking at the moment - let alone writing out coherent thoughts!! Maybe I need time on my own to think - but its hard to think when you have a job you need to go to and commitments you need to keep - I cannot put life on hold until i decide and maybe that is why i am having so much trouble with this.

Catari Jaguar

You were tied down so young, maybe you're just restless. You probably have developed fully now personality wise and maybe you just aren't compatible anymore? You say he's the same man you married, but you can't possibly be the same woman he married. You could be bored that he isn't growing as a person while you are. And at 30, you're in your prime (as they say). Now he's 44, is he more settled and routined? Familiarity breeds content...

You probably aren't attracted physically because you've gotten the notion of freedom and probably subconsciously, sowing your wild oats (or whatver the female version is!)

You really need to think is this a phase or a long term thing and weigh up your options.

CathyMoran

I have only been in a long term relationship (10 years in November) and married just over 8 months but I think that relationships go through phases. I longed for the single life at one stage and broke up from him but in the end I missed him and we have a stronger relationship now than we had before. I would try finding out why you fell in love with him in the first place and go to relationship councelling before you give up on the relationship.

Carrigart Exile

Babybass wrote:

Honestly?? I don't know. I cannot see myself in this life in 10 years - but I would hate to hurt him - and I know all of this will hurt him anyway but I honestly do not know what I want to do.

Go now don't leach off him any further, stand on your own two feet and make your own life. If it turns out that you find poverty horrible, tough, them's the breaks.

LegacyUser

'

1975 1975 wrote:

This one is difficult I know, but in the end you have to do whats right for urself and in the long run he will relalise it aswell..


Good luck.....

Having read her posts I think she actually understand marriage were as you do not.

Two become one etc. When you become married you are no longer out for youself. Thats the point. Bar the idots who didn't read the small print.

Oh an it is familiarity breeds contempt. Not content. Lil kitten.'

StupidLikeAFox

In fairness you'll hurt him more by sticking around jus for the sake of it. If you leave him now he may pick up the pieces and find someone who really does love him, and so will you, which in fairness would be miles better for the both of you!

txt_mess

Ending any relationship is always awkward the lenght of time and your history together will make it harder.

I would say the longer you stay with him the more bitter the feelings will become on your side and will lead to a worse breakup better to do it now and there is some hope of maybe in a few months actually being friends.It would be a shame to lose your past together especially if it wasn't bad.

CathyMoran

sippedy zpoo wrote:

'

Having read her posts I think she actually understand marriage were as you do not.

Two become one etc. When you become married you are no longer out for youself. Thats the point. Bar the idots who didn't read the small print.

I agree, I entered the contract of marriage seriously with the intent of staying with my husband for the rest of my life, even if I had feelings similar to the OP's I would work on them. This society is too much about a throw away world, I think that you should work on your marriage and do your best to save it, I know that this idea is not popular, it is just something that I believe in having seen it from previous generations.

Logos

I've read the responses to your problem as well as your own postings and I am surprised at the level of twaddle being talked here.

Marriage is tough, and there's no denying that. If you feel you don't have the bottle for it - don't blame your husband. Marriage takes work from both parties. Get your husband to face the reality of the situation and try and work together.

It sounds odd because if what you say is true then what is he getting out of all this? You? Doesn't sound like a good deal to me.

If all he wants is companionship and someone to take care of then I'm sure he'll find plenty of those people around.

Figure out what you want and get on with it!

Babybass

Thank you to all who posted - I did not enter into marriage lightly and I am not considering leaving lightly either. I have decided to stay and work on it - we have had a very honest - and painful - talk and both feel that we have grown apart and that is why the love has been lost. So we are committed to spending more time together and talking more openly and if that doesn't help getting some counselling. It may all lead back to the same place or it may make us stronger as a couple - either way I will know that I have tried and have not just walked away.

Marksie

Babybass wrote:

I have decided to stay and work on it - we have had a very honest - and painful - talk and both feel that we have grown apart and that is why the love has been lost. So we are committed to spending more time together and talking more openly and if that doesn't help getting some counselling. It may all lead back to the same place or it may make us stronger as a couple - either way I will know that I have tried and have not just walked away.

In the end thats all that can be asked of anyone. Best of luck ion what you both are doing

LegacyUser

'Babybass, I feel for you I really do, I am in a similar situation to you, married for 8 years, two children and a husband who is a great friend but doesnt make time to spend time with us. I am not going to get into it now but I just wanted to wish you both well and hope that whatever you decide to do it makes you happy.

All I want is to be happy and I am just not happy in my marriage at the minute. I am going to try the counselling route and hope that gives me some answers also, with kids involved, its not something to be looked upon lightly

Best of luck xxx'