scared of having kids...but i really want them

LegacyUser

hi,

im going anonymous here cause i just dont feel comfortable about people who know me seeing this. I'm 26 with a girl i love 4 years now. we dont live together yet but plan to and get married too. its basically about kids is why im writing here.

im scared to death of having them, not for traditional reasons but more so medical reasons. like the baby being born deformed or with a terrible condition.

I look at people who have had a baby with an illness such as downs and the likes i think how amazing they are to cope. But deep down i know i would never cope. its now starting to play on my mind more and more when i think about kids, what if this happened or that and i actually get freaked out.

i was in burger king the other day, an old woman came in with her son who i say was 25ish, he had some mental disorder. you could see on her face that she has really been through the mill, she looked just awful poor woman, didnt look like she had much money either as she was wearing what looked really out dated clothes, she bought a burger and a coke between them. my heart just broke when i saw it. like most days my worries are what car to get, what holiday destination to choose and why dont they have my size in that shoe. i cant even imagine what worries she has. the two of them looked alone in the world and she was a broken looking woman who looked 60 but was prob closer to 45-50. for all i know she could have been a completely different woman before she had her son but ended out this way.

i am quite healthy and so is my gf, but there is alot of medical history in my family and hers. she has not had her period in months, nearly a year. which is scary because wont that cause problems when she wants to conceive, i think she is going to visit her GP about it. also its realistic that financially we wont be in a position to have a baby until she is at least 30...this then causes more complications doesnt it!

am i developing a phobia here? has anyone experienced this?

rebelcork

I can understand where you are coming from.I think everyone shares those fears one way or another.
It becomes even more of an issue the closer you get to the actual birth.My wife had our first baby in April and she and the baby were 100% afterwards, however a girl who was in our ante natal class had a DS baby after months of ivf etc.
Basically, life is a lottery and genetically the odds can be stacked against you but when you are handed your child you just love it to bits whether it is perfect or not-at the end of the day it's yours and that's the most special thing.

r3nu4l

OP, if your family and that of your gf have a family history of certain conditions then your GP may authorise a genetic test that will determine the probability that any children you have may be born with a specific condition.

These tests are only available for certain diseases/syndromes and will never give you a Yes/No answer but will instead give you an idea of whether your child would be at risk of being born with these diseases.

As for a woman not having a child until 30, that's not so much a problem. There is an increased risk of certain complications if the mother is over 35 and the risk increases for every year over 35 but 30 is okay.

Really, talk to your GP if you are worried...and yes your GF should go to a doctor about her lack of periods, although certain female contraceptives will stop a womans period if taken for long enough. The periods usually return once the woman comes off those contraceptives.

Mr. Incognito

Whoa there boy. Concentrate on the present. Your fears at the moment are totally irrational.

Take them apart, you're not having kids at the moment so don't worry. When you're ready to settle down then you can start looking at the medical history and all the rest, I mean you don't walk up to a girl in a bar and say how're your ovaries?
You ask her does she want a drink. Go have a drink and size up the baby business when it happens. This is all triggered by that memory in Burger King. Live your life, and cross those hurdles when they come.

D Bronc

You are worrying yourself unnecessarily at the moment. If there is a Medical History your Doc can do tests for certain conditions as mentioned by r3nu4l. It might just mean that if your girlfriend were to get pregnant she might just have to be monitored more, no big deal.
You need to talk to your girlfriend and your GP coz these things can eat away at you.
It might not be no good to you now but, Whats meant for you wont pass you by you just need to believe in that:) . You will get there in the end and wonder what you were worried about;)

BrandonBlock

I think the rate of down syndrome is something like 1/1000 in Ireland. The odds are in your favour anyway, don't stress too much.

Carrigart Exile

The day you become a dad you coping abilities increase 1,000 fold; the big man upstairs knows what he is doing

Sam Vimes

Adopt?

bronte

I wouldn't stress too much about it at this point..it's completely normal to be anxious about the health of your children , but you have a good while before they arrive yet.
Don't stress yourself out, and maybe share your concerns with your girlfriend.

lolli

Its amazing what people can deal with.. You might think now that if something happened you wouldnt be able to deal with it, if something did happen its just a case of HAVING to deal with it.

Unfortunately you cant see your future, what will be, will be. Nobody knows whats going to happen. Chances are you will have healthy children.

I want children too someday, if something is wrong with one of them its just a matter of dealing with it, you can be certain you will still love that child more than anything.

ircoha

lolli wrote:

Its amazing what people can deal with.. You might think now that if something happened you wouldnt be able to deal with it, if something did happen its just a case of HAVING to deal with it.

Unfortunately you cant see your future, what will be, will be. Nobody knows whats going to happen. Chances are you will have healthy children.

I want children too someday, if something is wrong with one of them its just a matter of dealing with it, you can be certain you will still love that child more than anything.

Well said:cool:

OP: apart from worring about all that stuff, u can always go north for the amniotic fluid test once she is in the family way: however u have to get that far first: sadly many of us cant have either any kids or all the kids we would like due to a variety of reasons, one being the quality and quantity of lead in our pencils so dont be counting your chickens yet: dont assume anything when it comes to (pro)creation

Ps: take off those tight jocks right now and let the liaroids cool down:eek:

the_syco

Check your familys' medical history. You'll find some gene's will be only carried by the females, or only effecting the males, etc. Some may skip a generation, and some may have popped up once, and never again.

What I'm saying is: there's no exact equation that will say which bits of the genes will effect your kid, which ones from long ago will affect it.

I know my post is not what you're looking for, but it's how I look at things.

Put it this way: during World War 2, one of Hitlers scientists had a defect (his arm or something was not "normal"), and thus was neutured. It was only 25 years later that he found out that his defect could not be carried on, and was just one of those things.

From this, I mean that if in your families medical history, there was some mad sh|t, it may have only been a once off.

LegacyUser

'hi guys,

thanks for the time and effort in your replies. I hope i didnt come across like a loonie for thinking all these thoughts and you just didnt say

i suppose it was imagine of the lady and her son in Burger king that triggered all this. i often thought about it but never dwelled on it. i suppose with it being mentioned in the media more and more about how women are more at risk when they pass 30 etc... that combined with house prices just piles pressure on couples these days.

you have all contributed some sound and useful advice, i will take it on board (excuse the pun). thanks again!'