cheating drug taking friend craziness

Silent Grape

hello everyone,
first of all thanks for taking the time to read this, im not sure what advice im looking for, but i dont really have anyone to talk this through with.

a very good friend of mine, emma, in my class in college has, for the lsat year and a half been getting into class a drugs much more, thanks to her bf and his circle of friends. its recreational use, but its every weekend for her at this stage. im no stranger to taking drugs the odd time, but emma overdoes it every time and becomes absolutely crazy, pulling at my hair and hugging me pretty violently, (once i had to ask a large male friend to remove her from she, she was clawing me so hard,) over doing the affection for me thing, all well and good, but she is the most extreme person ive ever seen from just taking one pill. even when shes just drunk she's a little scary.

anyway, so shes not fun to be around when she fecked, fair enough.

but shes also prone to bouts ofdepression, she's very intense anyway, regardless of drugs, and i more or less take care of her when shes sad. im 24 and shes nearly 22, but it feels like im much much older when we're out. she went on erasmus a few months ago and while there i got an email telling me how depressed she was as she cheated on her boyfriend, also a friend of mine. she was in bits about it, i emailed her back obviously, saying that now she's learnt what its like etc etc. so that was fine sort of. she also basically made herself out to have been taken advantage of, been a victim etc, which i didnt really buy at the time to be honest, and im pretty intuitive.

then i went to visit her for a few days where she was on erasmus and she told me she cheated again, with a close friend of her's boyfriend. sorry if this is confusing. who cheats with a friends boyfriend?? who? how ****ing insane is she? anyway she was again incredibly upset and we had a big 'maybe ease off on the mdma' chat etc. kind of okay but i was pretty shocked.

shes home now again, we met for coffe and she told me she was with this guy, her friends bf again. of course the excuse was whatever they were taking that night. but this time there were no tears, she told me like it was some sort of entertaining scandal. she also told me some intimate details abotu the girlfriend of the guy having to get an abortion etc which makes it all so much sadder, not to mention the fact that its NONE of my business, i barely know the girl, why did emma think it was okay to spread her private life around?

i was just speechless. now i cant trust her, or even like her very much. im all for not judging people and being there when times are tough for friends, but emma is perfectly happy with plonking me in her scenarios, that i dont want to hear about! im sick of comforting her when she cheats anyway, without being told scary big deal sad things like its in a bloody tabloid.

i had a misscarriage at xmas and told her about it, now im just wondering who she has told as idle gossip.
im supposed to be finding a flat with her but to be honest, what if i start going out with someone as she tries it on with him when she;s ****ed? im thinking id prefer to live on my own than with her.

moreso tho, i cant look her bf, also my friend, in the face, i feel uncomfortable around him, and its unfair that she has put me in this position.
i love her but i no longer trust her, perhaps im even going off her. i also feel responsiblity towards her bf, but i know i cant say anything to him. i love him to bits and emma just cant see beyond herself that maybe i also care for her bf. grrr.

a good few people have just stopped being friends with her, which ive only just found out. but she doesnt seem to have noticed. also she didnt seem to care about the fact that maybe i didnt want to hear about abortion and cheating during afternoon coffee, what scared me most was how she introduced the whole thing, by saying 'have i told you the latest?!'

again, who sleeps with a friend's boyfriend???? this is the stuff of soaps!!

im just feeling very sad and insecure about our friendship. should i sit her down and have a chat with her and her scary huge ego, she terrifying when shes angry and im VERY passive and peaceful.

sorry for the huge long post, im just feeling so burdened by it.

davyjose

I'm sorry to hear this Silent Grape, but to be honest, the advice is simple: walk away. It won't be nearly as heartbreaking as you think, trust me. You will probably even feel reinvigorated by it. Seriously, you can't help this girl, and she's only gonna take you down with her IMO.

the_syco

davyjose wrote:

I'm sorry to hear this Silent Grape, but to be honest, the advice is simple: walk away. It won't be nearly as heartbreaking as you think, trust me. You will probably even feel reinvigorated by it. Seriously, you can't help this girl, and she's only gonna take you down with her IMO.

I second this. SG, she cheats on her BF, twice, and can't seem to keep a secret, so doesn't seem to be a very loyal person.

Walk away.

Otherwise, coming back to your house (if you get a house with her) will cause you stress, as you'll fear what sort of f*ck-up has happened to her now, and it won't be a case of ignoring her, if she lives with you.

Get the f*ck out of their. Oh, and let the friends know, so it's a clean break, as she may try to emotionally blackmail you if you don't.

Silent Grape

thanks for the replies,

unfortunately i cant walk away, we are in the same tiny class in college, we are both going into our final year, its not a study based course, we work in studios. the other reason is that we have got the same group of friends, more or less.

she is isnt a bad person, seeking to do the wrong thing, i think shes totally immature, its like she reversed in maturity in the last year. she has learn for herself, but at the same time i want to talk to her and tell her that no body respects her for her behaviour. she needs her bf to find out, or the girl to find out, or someone to, yeah, i guess, walk away from her...


i dont want to cut her out, but i do want her to know that friends are doing it and i'm not to be taken for granted either. maybe just telling her how uncomfortable i feel when she talks about these things will cop her on.

she cheated three times, not twice.

Dudess

God, this Emma girl sounds EXACTLY like a girl I know - in every sense. I felt like I was reading about her, and if you hadn't mentioned the age (the girl I know is a few years older) I would have assumed it was her! I don't know her well, she's a friend of a friend, but I know enough of her (and, more to the point, about her) to see the similarities.
My method of dealing with a person like her is to just simply not speak to her, or if she starts acting like an unhinged freak, behave really calmly and coolly to counter her. I'm sorry but people like her are attention-seeking and needy and the more people pay heed to them, the more they'll engage in their self-indulgent sh*ite.
She needs professional help but she also needs a good kick up the arse in order to make her aware of how unacceptable her behaviour is. Having depression isn't an excuse for being unreasonable and irrational. Tons of people have depression and they seek help for it and don't use it as a licence to act the twat. That said, maybe her OTT-ness, her scariness when she gets angry (God, she is SO like that girl I know!), intensity etc is actually caused by her mental illness. Well then she should bloody well lay off the drugs, the stupid girl!
I'd wager it's a combination of her depression, drugs/alcohol and just being a selfish person.
As I said, she needs professional help and she needs friends who won't take one second of her crap and will ONLY be there to be firm with her and keep her grounded, rather than giving her a big huggy wuggy and lots of "oh I know, it's terrible"s whenever she's drowning in tears and tantrums. You even said you're getting more and more disgusted by her. You seem like a lovely, thoughtful person - why let a bitch like that drag you down?
I've a feeling if you lay down the law, she'll probably go off on a "oh nobody cares about me, life isn't worth living, I can't go on" bla bla rant. Again, it's attention-seeking. She won't kill herself. That is not the behaviour of a genuinely suicidal person, who for starters wouldn't be going round telling everyone. Should this highly likely scenario arise, DON'T feel pressured - she is not your responsibility.

Beetlebum

Whoa, she sounds exactly like a girl I know too except the girl I know is older. I live with said girl but didn't know her before I moved in. I've been living with her for 6 months and at first I thought she was such a cool girl. I thought she was beautiful, fun loving, vivacious and crazy but in a good way. Turns out I was way off the mark. She is insane. She does coke every night of the week even though she works 9-5. She rings in sick all the time and I often hear her puking in her room. She is vile ane she makes me feel ill. Every weekend she leaves the house on Friday and falls home on Sunday in bits with loads of crazy and sometimes disturbing stories. It's affecting my life so just last week I handed in my notice to the landlord. I'm outta there and I never wanna look at her again!
I know your in the same class but I think you need to sit her down and tell her frimly that you don't agree with her lifestyle and don't wanna hear her 'scandal'. Don't let her intimidate you. Who cares if she gets angry, let her. So long as you stay calm. Good luck, I know it's a tough situation to be in. It's so infuriating when someone can't seem to see how crazy their behaviour is.

Steyr

Walk away man have some cop on and give up that muck. Drugs are ruining your life and your friends is it not obvious?

Beetlebum

Steyr wrote:

Walk away man have some cop on and give up that muck. Drugs are ruining your life and your friends is it not obvious?

Why are you directing that at the OP? The problem is with her friend. The OP said she's taken drugs on occasion, that doesn't constitute a problem! Her so-called friend is the one who needs help. Also, it's not as simple as saying 'give up drugs'. It's a difficult thing to do and her friend has to decide to stop herself.

Steyr

Beetlebum wrote:

Why are you directing that at the OP? The problem is with her friend. The OP said she's taken drugs on occasion, that doesn't constitute a problem! Her so-called friend is the one who needs help. Also, it's not as simple as saying 'give up drugs'. It's a difficult thing to do and her friend has to decide to stop herself.

The OP posted and i gave the OP an answer the same as some above have and it was "Walk away". Yes her mate needs help and the Drugs are not helping she needs counselling. I never said it was simple to give up drugs but saying NO when offered is a start..Drugs are a huge problem here and its painfully obvious.

Beruthiel

Silent Grape wrote:

i dont want to cut her out, but i do want her to know that friends are doing it and i'm not to be taken for granted either. maybe just telling her how uncomfortable i feel when she talks about these things will cop her on.

She's on the road to no where and much as you'd like to, you cannot help her.
Sounds like she's going to have to hit rock bottom before she decides to sort herself out. (If that ever happens)
When drugs take hold of you they become your life and nothing else really matters anymore. Including your behaviour it would seem in this case.
Personally, I'd distance myself and if asked why, I'd tell her the truth.
You may have to see her while in school, but outside that, I'd not bother.

Carsinian Thau

You need to walk away from her. Unfortunately it may be the only way she'll realise that she can't behave like this.
It would be difficult to do this if you are in the same small class but not impossible. The same goes for the small group of friends. It may give rise to a few awkward situations but you'll feel a lot better about it later.
Depression is a nasty illness but not an excuse to do whatever you want. She needs to grow up but as long as there is someone there to pick up the pieces for her, there's no need for her to do this. If she can't rely on you to fix everything for her, eventually, she'll have to do it on her own. Hopefully it'll be the wake up call she needs.

justsomebloke

as people grow up they change and people that you were friends with may no longer be the types of people that you want to remain friends with.

I think you have started to realise that you 2 are completely different now, the common interests that you once shared are probably no longer there. So as stated before I think it is time that you start distancing yourself from her. You say you are always there for her but is she always there for you, chances are no is the answer.

cowzerp

She is a cheat a druggie and you would be better off without her-tell her to row up.

the_syco

Silent Grape wrote:

unfortunately i cant walk away, we are in the same tiny class in college, we are both going into our final year, its not a study based course, we work in studios. the other reason is that we have got the same group of friends, more or less.

Well then, best of luck next year, when you have to repeat this year, with her... for it's only the start of the year, and when time critical projects come in, I think she'll be the type looking at you to get her out of the hole, using the whole "you're my best/only friend" crap.

Think about it like this: she does it at the weekend now, but when the pressure mounts, she may start having drugs during the weekdays.

You speak of moving in together? If she lives at home, ask does she pay any rent? If not, you may have to foot the rent for two, as she seems like the person that may blow their money away each weekend.

As for having the same friends... are these the friends that she f*cks their other halves? If so, distance yourself from her, or you risk being put in the same group as her, alone.

Silent Grape

thanks for the replies everyone, lots to think about here.

the crazy thing is that she is incredibly ambitious and hardworking in college, well respected by the tutors for her work, she only does drugs when partying, which, in my college, is pretty often. as in, she doesnt do them randomly.

she lives in a different county and rents during the college year.
the cheating happend in a different country, with a different group, although there is talk of the boy she was with there visiting ireland in october, which should be interesting...

you are right that she is not always there for me, but i wrote it off as she is younger then me, didnt have the same experiences yet etc, but in honesty, these were excuses i was giving myself.

also correct and which i have discussed with a friend, is that she needs to hit the rocks herself and have only herself to blame, then get over it without myself or others helping.

just as a reminder, she isnt a drug addict, she's an intense partier, but she can do that with or without mdma or pills. (and she more or less just as intense).

i am in no way someone who will butt into someones life, but i will step out of it, and i think in this case some distance is needed. i have no intention to live with her anymore.

i am certainly not going to go cold turkey on her, as it were, its impossible anyway, but i will make a wide berth around her for now. if it comes up again in conversation, about her cheating etc etc, then ill say something to her about being uncomfortable with it.

thanks so much for the replies, i cant believe other people have had nearly the same experience. i know ive changed during my college years but i think it was in a positive way, i dont know how someone like emma can grow an ego that huge!

its heartbreaking, shes a longtime friend.

Dudess

Silent Grape wrote:

the crazy thing is that she is incredibly ambitious and hardworking in college, well respected by the tutors for her work

Again, ditto for the girl I know.

she only does drugs when partying, which, in my college, is pretty often. as in, she doesnt do them randomly.

She may not take them randomly but if she parties a lot, as you said, then isn't that enough to cause damage? Just because she doesn't take drugs randomly doesn't mean she hasn't a problem. She's not even 22 - when she's 30 she might be snorting lines off the rim of the toilet bowl every morning before heading into the office.

i wrote it off as she is younger then me, didnt have the same experiences yet etc, but in honesty, these were excuses i was giving myself.

Yep, there's hardly a wealth of a difference in life experience between a 24-year-old and an almost 22-year-old.

she needs to hit the rocks herself and have only herself to blame, then get over it without myself or others helping.

Definitely. And you can be there for her, but only to be firm and strict with her - and that means not a semblance of indulging her.

just as a reminder, she isnt a drug addict, she's an intense partier, but she can do that with or without mdma or pills. (and she more or less just as intense).

She may not be banging up on Benburb Street but if she needs to take drugs every time there's a sniff (pun intended!) of a social occasion, then that's a problem.

i am in no way someone who will butt into someones life, but i will step out of it, and i think in this case some distance is needed. i have no intention to live with her anymore.
i am certainly not going to go cold turkey on her, as it were, its impossible anyway, but i will make a wide berth around her for now. if it comes up again in conversation, about her cheating etc etc, then ill say something to her about being uncomfortable with it.

Good for you. You seem fantastically balanced - I'm bearing in mind you've had a bad experience recently. Fair play to you for staying so strong.

its heartbreaking, shes a longtime friend.

It is, isn't it? A great friend becoming a person you're not really sure you can stand. I know a girl who used to take pills and coke several nights a week. Then, when she was 23, she discovered she was pregnant. She became a new person overnight. Now she's a fantastic mother who parties every few months - and it's usually a few drinks, nothing more. As she told me, large-scale drug use changes you. She became, in her words, a selfish, lying, thieving, elitist bitch, who wouldn't dream of talking to someone unless they were as "cool" as she was.
A close friend of mine started taking a lot of drugs when she was 22 - she started hanging around with a "cool" crowd. This wasn't just the odd pill on a Saturday night, this was two or three nights a week of chowing down as many pills as possible and then behaving like a skanky scumbag. It was completely against my friend's nature. She was hugely anti drugs five minutes before she met this particular crowd. I just lost respect for her - not just because of the large-scale drug use, but because of her hypocrisy. And how it changed her into a lying, selfish person. I was hugely saddened too at losing my friend - particularly losing the old her. But these things happen unfortunately. I just stopped having much to do with her but we eventually became friends again. Still though, she does continue to carry on with her "fitting-in-with-the-cool-people" crap. I mean in fairness, she's 29, she'd want to grow up. Not to the same extent as years ago, but whenever that side of her comes out I just don't bother talking to her. I can't. It's a side to her I don't like and it's not the real her. Because whenever the cool crowd aren't around, she's an absolutely fantastic person.