Family Harassment while at work

Noffles

Has anyone had this sort of thing or seen it and known how to deal with?

I commute from the Wexford area to Dublin almost everyday leaving my family at home... for the past few months on and off my wife has had a number of arguments with a male neighbour, there are only a small number of houses in the estate...

In the past two weeks things have got a lot worse where it is to the stage of harassment, the Garda have been contacted and they have requested we don't involve them at this stage as we should try to diffuse it and maybe it will go away...

The trouble is my wife is under the impression that this person is jealous of our family and would like to spoil it, as we are fairly successful, healthy and have a nice house, where he has no job, a previous heart attack and very unhealthy, but with his own family...

Many will say I should go to his house and have a word but I'm incredibly bad at this sort of thing and will be unable to hold my temper and do something that could end up with me in the courts and paying money to this person...

Does anyone have any suggestions as to what to do here...?

The worst part is that he does nothing when I'm in the house or not in work, it's all done when I am no where near the house..!

Beruthiel

What sort of things is he doing?

Slow Motion

Noffles wrote:

Has anyone had this sort of thing or seen it and known how to deal with?

I commute from the Wexford area to Dublin almost everyday leaving my family at home... for the past few months on and off my wife has had a number of arguments with a male neighbour, there are only a small number of houses in the estate...

In the past two weeks things have got a lot worse where it is to the stage of harassment, the Garda have been contacted and they have requested we don't involve them at this stage as we should try to diffuse it and maybe it will go away...

The trouble is my wife is under the impression that this person is jealous of our family and would like to spoil it, as we are fairly successful, healthy and have a nice house, where he has no job, a previous heart attack and very unhealthy, but with his own family...

Many will say I should go to his house and have a word but I'm incredibly bad at this sort of thing and will be unable to hold my temper and do something that could end up with me in the courts and paying money to this person...

Does anyone have any suggestions as to what to do here...?

The worst part is that he does nothing when I'm in the house or not in work, it's all done when I am no where near the house..!

Sounds like a bully, and as such only does this when your not around. Unfortunately the only way to deal with this is head on and go and talk to this guy the next time it happens, DO NOT lose your temper (hard I know). What about consulting a solicitor or contacting your local council and make them aware that your family is being harrassed, anti-social behaviour and all that. Not much help I'm afraid but that's about all I can think of.

Ickle Magoo

Would it be worth your while installing CCTV or microphones on your property to pick up anything he says/does so you can use it in the future or even take to a solicitor or court to get an injunction? Keep a log-book of all incidents & I'd also be making a complaint to the Gardai about their lack of interest...if your wife is being harrassed by a male neighbour, presumably that is against the law & not something you should have to endure until he gets bored or you sock him one?! :mad:

Noffles

Beruthiel wrote:

What sort of things is he doing?

It comes down to name calling and staring when she's driving past, yesterday there was some more name calling over the garden fence...

A lot of this stems from an issue previously where something was said to my son, where I DID go down and speak to him and that was the end of it... obviously he didn't like that and has bore a grudge.

I simply WILL lose my temper if I speak to him, he's a bully and I don't like that and I WILL become violent, my partner has specifically asked me not to do this as she knows... plus the fact that even if I did give him a pasting, she is the one who has to stay at home while I'm in work...

milkerman

Be careful!
Ask your wife to have no further contact verbal or otherwise with this man or any member of his family.
Your wifes opinion of what is going through someone else's head is irrelevant and should not form the basis for any action on your part.
I suspect from the tone of your posting that you have doubts about whether your neighbour is actually guilty of anything at all.
The response you received from the Gardai is the typical (polite version) response to a NUISANCE or SPURIOUS REPORT.
Do you honestly think there is an issue to take up with your neighbour? and what is it? Something tangible please.

Noffles

milkerman wrote:

Be careful!
Ask your wife to have no further contact verbal or otherwise with this man or any member of his family.
Your wifes opinion of what is going through someone else's head is irrelevant and should not form the basis for any action on your part.
I suspect from the tone of your posting that you have doubts about whether your neighbour is actually guilty of anything at all.
The response you received from the Gardai is the typical (polite version) response to a NUISANCE or SPURIOUS REPORT.
Do you honestly think there is an issue to take up with your neighbour? and what is it? Something tangible please.

My wife has never commented on anything like this before.... this person has done this to two families in the estate, one has left and the other is very quiet so he has a history and does think he "runs" the estate..

When I drive with my wife past him he doesn't look, when she does he glares in the car, I do the lawn nothing, she does the lawn he'll come out and watch her... Two weeks ago he stared at her and she waved, he responded by calling her a "f*cking nutter".. yesterday he was behind our house, there is a road running past and started shouting personal abuse at her...

Believe me I know the type, he is doing this and she is VERY uncomfortable alone...

milkerman

OK, clearer picture now.
The nature of his behaviour is threatening and constitutes an assault. This is an issue for the Gardai. The next time he intimidates your wife you should report the issue to the local station. You should INSIST on making a formal complaint and look for an incident number. If you feel you are not getting a satisfactory response from the public counter you should write to the local Superintendent quoting the incident numbers and demand an adequate response.
If this person is a tenant of a local authority, this type of behaviour comes within the meaning of 'anti social behaviour' in the context of the Housing Acts.
I cant' advise you to openly approach this geezer especially if you are a little hot headed.

McGinty

Hi Op

I have had a similar problem with my neighbour but the problem seems to be okay for now, basically my neighbour has mental health problems eg: depression and I believe a certain amount of paranoia. However, when she first moved in we got on okay, saying hello and stuff, but one day she stopped talking and eventually I did, I never asked why or questioned it until one day she started arguing with me, I tried to reason with her but she became angry and threatened me, so I did three things. One I stopped the conversation immediately, 2) I went to the guards made a report and asked if I was harmed in any way would they do something about it and I was assurred yes they would 3) I rent from a social housing group and I wrote to them outlining the situation. I was told that as it was a first incident they could do nothing, etc, etc, but that is not why I complained, I wanted there to be a record of what occurred in case something else did happen, in other words a case is being built up. I do not speak to my neighbour at all, she has often got her boyfriend to park across my front or other tactics to provoke a reaction, I ignore them and so far it has worked. If she does call me names/threatens me I will record the incident but I will not engage with her because people like that feed of the drama of it all, and by responding to them, you are feeding into it. I have a great saying that someone cannot argue with a wall, so become a wall. It does work, however, at the same time don't let the guards, whoever push you around by saying we can do nothing, that is the cop out attitude, they are civil servants and as a taxpayer and law abiding citizen they are your only port of call in a dangerous situation. I agree with you that it is best not to speak with your neighbour, but your wife needs to find a different way to handle it, personally if I were her I would ignore it and visualise him as the pathetic cretin he really is, and not allow him to get under her skin, because right now he is wanting to destroy your happy home and both of you are letting him. Best of luck.

I am assumming you have bought your home, if by any chance your home is owned by the council/housing association you should write and let them know of the situation because they are beginning to take anti-social behaviour quite seriously.

Noffles

milkerman wrote:

OK, clearer picture now.
The nature of his behaviour is threatening and constitutes an assault. This is an issue for the Gardai. The next time he intimidates your wife you should report the issue to the local station. You should INSIST on making a formal complaint and look for an incident number. If you feel you are not getting a satisfactory response from the public counter you should write to the local Superintendent quoting the incident numbers and demand an adequate response.
If this person is a tenant of a local authority, this type of behaviour comes within the meaning of 'anti social behaviour' in the context of the Housing Acts.
I cant' advise you to openly approach this geezer especially if you are a little hot headed.

The Garda have requested she wait until she makes this official, but did advise that if there was a single incident involving him saying anything to her... she is to not retaliate and to contact the Garda straight away and there will be a formal caution made...

I find it very difficult as I'm "supposed" to look after my family and this is not the way to do it? I feel I "need" to approach him and sort him out....

BobTheBeat

If you are adamant about confronting him, put a tape recorder in your pocket, go down to his house and have the chat. Tell him how its affecting your wife and how you want it to stop immediately, and leave it at that.The recording wont be admissable as evidence but at least the guards will know what his behaviour is like.

Noffles

bobmeaney wrote:

If you are adamant about confronting him, put a tape recorder in your pocket, go down to his house and have the chat. Tell him how its affecting your wife and how you want it to stop immediately, and leave it at that.The recording wont be admissable as evidence but at least the guards will know what his behaviour is like.

Well she's asked me not to go down there so I won't....

milkerman

Resist the urge to wallop the guy over the head, it is not worth it. If there are any further incidents you should just report it and ask for the caution to take place.
It wont make a friend of the guy though.
But who wants friends like that?

Noffles

milkerman wrote:

Resist the urge to wallop the guy over the head, it is not worth it. If there are any further incidents you should just report it and ask for the caution to take place.
It wont make a friend of the guy though.
But who wants friends like that?

This is exactly what we are going to do.... he never was a friend really, just a neighbour he just decided to make himself more than this...

_blank_

If this is possible, take a week off work, but every morning go through the usual motions, so he sees you leaving for work etc, then later in the morning sneak back into your house.

When he starts at the wife again, go and catch him at it, and see how he likes that.

MG100

Its possible the chap could be mentally ill (sounds like he is).

In which case you can decide to live with it (and ignore the situation as best you can) or move house.

Didn't read all posts above - maybe this was suggested already...

WellyJ

MG100 wrote:

Its possible the chap could be mentally ill (sounds like he is).

In which case you can decide to live with it (and ignore the situation as best you can) or move house.

Didn't read all posts above - maybe this was suggested already...

So you are suggesting that if you are living beside someone who is mentally unstable to the point where your wife is intimidated by him, you should just put up with it?

OP, Get down to the police station and complain about this behaviour.

Make sure you get an incident number and follow up on what they do about it.

meglome

The best thing you can do is basically completely ignore him. Make a note of eveything that is said and report it to the cops. If you confront him the wrong way you could be the one in trouble and this guy isn't worth it. Your wife should just blank the guy completely, if he says anything she should not respond at all and make a note of it.

Victor

Sounds like a lot of noise over nothing. Try to find someone to mediate a solution - local clergy, solicitor, councillor.

ansionnachclist

Get a few heads from the 'Noggin to sort them out .

Spyral

remember that if anything does go out of hand.. bog hole and breeze block for the body..

seriously just ignore him once he gets no attention he's just making a bell end of himself and will have to calm down.

dudara

ansionnachclist wrote:

Get a few heads from the 'Noggin to sort them out .

No advocating of violence on this forum. Please read the charter and abide by it. The next mention of violence will result in an immediate ban.

dudara

CreepingDeath

Dress up as your wife, in an elaborate "sting" operation.

Jumpy

CreepingDeath wrote:

Dress up as your wife, in an elaborate "sting" operation.

Sting never had that operation.

Victor

CreepingDeath and Jumpy are off on a weeks holidays. Banned.

dodgyme

No just dress up as sting in an elaborate sting operation. And then if the police turn up it will be very good fun in an ironic way.

Ah laughter is the only medicine

dodgyme

To be fair the best thing you can do is what you have already done and contacted the police. Take note of what is happening and keep the head. That is my real advice.

Noffles

dodgyme wrote:

To be fair the best thing you can do is what you have already done and contacted the police. Take note of what is happening and keep the head. That is my real advice.

This is about the most I'm going to do... if he instigates a confrontation well then it's different...

humanji

Have you talked to the other neighbours about him? If he's bothering them, then get them to talk to the cops. If several houses are making complaints about him, they'll have to intervene.

Noffles

humanji wrote:

Have you talked to the other neighbours about him? If he's bothering them, then get them to talk to the cops. If several houses are making complaints about him, they'll have to intervene.

There are other houses and he has harassed others but they have moved on.... and the ones left are his spineless buddies.... two sheeplike men who make me ill the way they carry on.. pathetic how grown men can act like this, why would you look at a family and think, f*ck this I'll start annoying them... who thinks like that??

ali.c

Noffles wrote:

There are other houses and he has harassed others but they have moved on.... and the ones left are his spineless buddies.... two sheeplike men who make me ill the way they carry on.. pathetic how grown men can act like this, why would you look at a family and think, f*ck this I'll start annoying them... who thinks like that??

People who are really just not well, its a tough situation but i think maybe your wife needs to stand up to him a bit more. The reason why he is harrassing her i presume is that he thinks he can intimidate her. Not suggest that she confront him or anything though maybe the two of you could do it but let your wife do the talking??

Noffles

ali.c wrote:

People who are really just not well, its a tough situation but i think maybe your wife needs to stand up to him a bit more. The reason why he is harrassing her i presume is that he thinks he can intimidate her. Not suggest that she confront him or anything though maybe the two of you could do it but let your wife do the talking??

Good suggestion although I doubt it would happen and IF it did it would be short and hostile!

Sandy2004

Mediation might work - where both parties go and air their differences and come to an agreement - they are carried out by local authorities. They can also help with asbo's as it will highlight whos at fault and if the harrassment still continues you have tried to reconcile but the other party hasnt, - could end up with him been thrown out of his home... and you with nice new neighbours...

A normal reaction is the want to thump him... this will make matters worse. Eitheir way at the moment he is winning - he is doing what he is setting out to do, annoying you and your family... people like him will only continue if he knows its getting to you - if it wasnt he would have gotten bored and stopped by now. That lady was right, make him invisible...

G'Luck....

dame

ali.c wrote:

i think maybe your wife needs to stand up to him a bit more. The reason why he is harrassing her i presume is that he thinks he can intimidate her.

I agree with this. Similar situation I've heard about (about ten years ago) was a neighbour of my parents, living in a rural area, house with a driveway all around it. Other weird, nasty neighbour took a dislike (I've no idea what caused the dislike/dispute), but anyway he took to driving around her house slowly looking in windows while her husband was off down the land. He'd drive around two or three times then drive slowly off down the road. It happend three times and she was really intimidated the first two times but on the third she got really annoyed and decided that was enough of it. She opened her front door and stood on the step hands on her hips and glared at him as she saw him drive in towards her. He avoided eye contact, drove around the house once, then off out the gate and never did it again.

OP, I'm sure it is a difficult situation for your wife but bullies really do get off on the satisfaction of seeing they're scaring someone. She needs to stare back at him and not hurry past when she sees him. Let him see she's not afraid. Of course, if he ever gets violent then hurrying away might be pertinent!

As others said, note all incidents etc.

K-9

Noffles wrote:

There are other houses and he has harassed others but they have moved on.... and the ones left are his spineless buddies.... two sheeplike men who make me ill the way they carry on

So moving away was the solution for some. Thats more spineless really. For those advocating violence, what is it going to achieve? It will worsen the situation and make you the bully at least or face charges.

Ignorehim completely or maybe as dame said walk slowly past and stare as well. Basically have a good gawk at him! He might back down then if he attracts too much attention.

Dathai

I remember all those Neighbours from hell shows on TV years ago.

So, keeping in light of those shows, have you suggested that when she goes out to the back garden to hang out washing, or just in general.To leave a camera pointed and filming from a back window? The video will catch the neighbour and give some sort of evidence.

Not sure if it was suggested before, but, honestly, it's what could be your solution to this problem. Catch him a few times in teh act, and send it on to the gardai when you make your official complaint.

I wouldnt get your wife to "stand up" to him, because, he could get nasty with her, considering she's on her own in the house.

Noffles

Dathai wrote:

I remember all those Neighbours from hell shows on TV years ago.

So, keeping in light of those shows, have you suggested that when she goes out to the back garden to hang out washing, or just in general.To leave a camera pointed and filming from a back window? The video will catch the neighbour and give some sort of evidence.

Not sure if it was suggested before, but, honestly, it's what could be your solution to this problem. Catch him a few times in teh act, and send it on to the gardai when you make your official complaint.

I wouldnt get your wife to "stand up" to him, because, he could get nasty with her, considering she's on her own in the house.

Yesterday proved the point that this man is a coward, he walked past the back garden with his mate from the estate and my wife was standing in the garden yet again putting the washing out and I decided to hide next to the shed and catch him in the act of gobbing off.... but he KNEW I was home and said nor did anything... I was disappointed really wanted him to open his gob... he didn't... and it goes on I presume.
The man is simply a loser... who is jealous of anyone ho appears to have more than him!

Noffles

The estate clown is now trying to be friends with everyone in the estate... we're sure he is trying to isolate us.... it aint working as we have our own circle of friends in the local behind us who are surprisingly well aware of this ars*hole and how things are in this estate... oh well, as long as my wife can deal with things I can, if she can't well then we'll do something about it....

Again I wonder why people are such tossers... life is difficult enough without trying to get in others lives and make a nuisance of yourself!

D

That is really good to hear. Continue to be cautious though in case things start off again. Just make sure that your friends an neighbours are still aware of the situation.

dame

Noffles wrote:

The estate clown is now trying to be friends with everyone in the estate...

Maybe he has read this thread!
Glad things have cooled down but like D says, don't forget what he can be like and don't fall for his charms. Keep the guard up.

Bottle_of_Smoke

Noffles wrote:

The estate clown is now trying to be friends with everyone in the estate... we're sure he is trying to isolate us.... it aint working as we have our own circle of friends in the local behind us who are surprisingly well aware of this ars*hole and how things are in this estate... oh well, as long as my wife can deal with things I can, if she can't well then we'll do something about it....

Again I wonder why people are such tossers... life is difficult enough without trying to get in others lives and make a nuisance of yourself!

This shows he's worried about his reputation. A few years back I had a party in my house that went on too long & the neightbours got justifiably psised off. One of them started calling to the door for rows, (I only answered the first time) then he started throwing stones at my bedrooms window
(patio little things, no damage done) & spraying my bedroom window with a hose. I opened the window & wiped the big smile off his face with a camera flash. He didn't cause me any trouble after that.

Can your wife document what he's been doing & then you phone him up to let him know?

Even if she can't I'd suggest you give him a ring. You can't punch him down the phoneline so no real damage can be done. Tell him one of the other neighbours saw what he's been doing. No direct threats, just sound threatening. Ask him why he's doing it.

Best of luck/

Noffles

dame wrote:

Maybe he has read this thread!
Glad things have cooled down but like D says, don't forget what he can be like and don't fall for his charms. Keep the guard up.

H's trying to be friends with everyone BUT us.... but that suits me perfectly and we're just going to go about our business as usual... the wife is cool too so I'm happy with this.