cyber chatting - Addicted?

LegacyUser

Hi,

Going unreg for this. I have been chatting on IRC and other chatting media for abot 10 years(not continuously obviously). I do it on and off, maybe one day or 2 days a week. It sounds innocent, but it can get very explicit, and i have spoken to some of the people on the phone and that gets explicit.

I have been with my girlfriend for almost 2 years, and she asked me to stop, but I couldnt. She says me chatting to other girls hurts her, and she puts it in the same category as cheating. I have never been with another girl while I was with her, but she still considers chatting as cheating. I have tried to stop, and when Im not doing it, I dont crave it as such, but if she is not around, I seem to find myself chatting, and once I start I can finish until I am "satisfied".

It all came to a head today when she said she was leaving me and she was going to move out. I dont want this to happen and I want to stop, but can find nothing in the way of support anywhere. I have decided to unplug somewhat from the internet, so have asked her to change my password on all my email accounts, except for my work one, am going on holiday mode on the online game I play, and am removing all other reasons to go online, that are not connected with work.

Unfortunately I work in IT security so I can not unplug completely, but I have resolved to spend as little time online as possible. So no more hanging about online at lunch time etc. I am also ordering sky digital, so that if I want the news, I turn on the telly, and don't go to sky.com/news. I have not watched TV in years. Any tv programs I do watch i always got them off the internet. I am now going to just watch them on the TV instead, so that I dont spend time online downloading them and making sure their ok etc.

Thats a start, but I was wondering if anyone had other ideas. has anyone else had this problem? Did your spouse/partner know? how did they feel?

Thanks for your help,

PeakOutput

uninstall the chat programmes obviously and any time your about to re-install them ring your g/f for a chat instead

also your g/f should have dumped you ages ago if you didnt stop the first time she said it

WellyJ

You don't deserve your girlfriend tbh

That is shocking that you would continue with that even after she found out :eek:

You call other girls on the phone and chat until you are "satisfied" ?

That is ****ed up.

You should be dumped.

Mullah

Here's the thing.

You are not addressing the underlying issue of why you feel the need to chat to these girls in the first place.

Unless that is dealt with, the short term meaures - and thats all they will be -will only postpone the eventual day of reckoning.

LegacyUser

Thanks for the support guys. Thats really a big help.

Ickle Magoo

Would you consider arranging a meeting with a phsychologist who specialises in sex addictions? I don't know if you can do anything to keep your girl - she asked you to stop & if you couldn't then that would have been the time to get help, rather than just continuing regardless - but I guess you know that.

Uninstall all the chat devices from your PC & look up the Golden Pages for a therapist in your area.

LegacyUser

I have uninstalled them all. I would definitely go to a therapist. I have told my gf I want to get help, and she has said she will stand by me for now, but if I do it again she is leaving me, which is fair enough. Has anyone else had this problem? How did you resolve it if you did? Im sure it is more common than you think, but thanks to ignorance in the area it does not get the coverage it should. The first 2 replies to my question are perfect examples of peoples ignorance to this problem.

WellyJ

AnonymousHacker wrote:

I have uninstalled them all. I would definitely go to a therapist. I have told my gf I want to get help, and she has said she will stand by me for now, but if I do it again she is leaving me, which is fair enough. Has anyone else had this problem? How did you resolve it if you did? Im sure it is more common than you think, but thanks to ignorance in the area it does not get the coverage it should. The first 2 replies to my question are perfect examples of peoples ignorance to this problem.

I am not ignorant of the problem.....

I just think your girlfriend must have serious self esteem issues if she chooses to stay with you after this.

I would view it as cheating. Online chat would be bad enough even, but moving from that onto the phone is just amazingly disrespectful to your girlfriend.



Like I said, you don't deserve her.

LegacyUser

Wellyj: no i dont deserve her. but im trying to change. and im looking for advice. can you not be a little bit supportive? just a little bit?

yeah it is F**ked up. thats why i want to stop. ill go talk to a therapist, and see what they say. If that doesnt work, there is always the canal.

Thanks for your help.

PeakOutput

yep im not ignorant of the problem either but if you want to believe you are somehow in your own personal cloud of addiction that only people who sympathise with you can possibly help you with or even know anything about the subject then your going no where.

After she has told you its not (and probably before)i view it as cheating which is why I think you should have been dumped already. no excuses.

also tough love works

Ickle Magoo

OP,

I don't think it's so much an ignorance of the problem as a lack of sympathy for the perpetrator bearing in mind how much info on sex-addictions & cyber-sex is readily available to anyone with internet or phone access & how easy it is to get help for any problem or addiction in this day & age.

I googled "sex-addicts" & it came back with 17,500,000 articles, googled "sex addiction, cyber-sex" & it came back with 1,070,000 articles, google "sex adictions" & you get 3,160,000 articles & the very first is a help site http://www.sexaddict.com. I'm sure there is plenty more advice or help available in there...not to mention the thousands of therapist who will treat addictions or, indeed, any problem you take to them.

Incidentaly, I think it's much more than "fair enough" for your gf to give you a second chance, baring in mind she considers it cheating - good for you for getting help now tho, I don't mean to put your efforts down, just suggesting why you may not find many who are overly sympathetic.

Best of luck.

neuro-praxis

If you go to www.xxxchurch.com, you will find support and also a downloadable software program that will notify an accountability partner any time you go to problem sites.

You are not alone - this stuff wrecks relationships - you sound like you really want to be over it though. I wish you and the gf the very best of luck.

SarahSassy

I had this problem with an ex who did the same to me and I dumped him and never looked back. I had some suspicions but had no proof and then eventually I saw what I didnt want to see. In the interim, it made me doubt myself and my ability to trust someone.

I would guess she loves you very much and I think YOU have destroyed her self-esteem and she thinks that she cant do better than someone who repeatedly cheated on her.... I hope she gets sense.

dudara

It's very easy to get caught up in things, (God knows, I've been stuck on boards for years) but it takes some strength to walk away. So good luck to you, I hope that you can find it within yourself.

You have a very supportive girlfriend. lots of women would have called it quits a while ago. But a minority are capable of holding out for things to come right. She must have had faith in you. So repay her.

Take her out, shower her with attention. Use all the time available to you to entertain her and treat her well. This will also double up in helping you get over your 'addiction'. (TBH I'm reluctant to call it an addiction, I just think that you were blind to issues which have since been revealed to you).

Dord

AnonymousHacker wrote:

If that doesnt work, there is always the canal.

Thats not a solution. Do NOT do this, please go seek some help immediately.

Fanny Cradock

If you don't have the will, install K9 web protection on your computer (it's free) and select it to block chat rooms etc. Have your girlfriend or someone else set the password. The immediate problem is solved. However, you have much to consider i.e. why you feel the need to do something that hurts her so much? It is a betrayal if you really consider it. But you know this. However, you are doing the right thing now.

Thanks to this simple program there is no more porn for Fanny, which is a good thing!

http://www.k9webprotection.com/

::Edit::

There is also http://www.netnanny.com/ - it's not free though.

Good luck!

dudara

I second the above. Don't treat your life so lightly, even if you did say it in jest.

shabaz

Hi, I just read you message, and had to tell my story, me and my partner of 6 years have just broken up over this very thing plus other things but this was one of the main reasons, I know a lot of blokes think "ah sure theres nothing wrong with it" but believe me there is, in my book, yes it is the next step to arranging to meet someone.

How would you feel if your girlfriend was online telling a guy what she would like him to do to her? makes you sick in the stomach id say, even to think of another guy talking dirty to her.

The saying is soo true "put the shoe on the other foot" and see then how you feel about it, cos im sure it would make you sick.

Well me and my partner are now over as off 4 weeks ago, was meant to be on our holidays last week, instead i spent the week crying.

I told him to move out of the house and we will be selling it soon, so yes what you are doing is disgusting, deceitful, disrespectable to your girlfriend who you are suppose to love.

And don't give me that bollox you cant help yourself!

We are probably better off without guys like you loosers!!:mad:

biko

You can also get yourself IP-banned on all those forums. No coming back then.

Oryx

For what its worth I sympathise and dont condemn you. I can appreciate how easy it is to get addicted to sex-chat. Its easy, free, private, and always accessible. Because youre safe in the cocoon of your own home/office, it feels like youre anonymous, and no harm done. As you realise, thats not true, because your gf is pissed with you (rightly so) and youve found you cant give up.

Like any addiction, there is no easy way to fix this. You cant expect anyone else to nanny you along with it and give you a quick and painless solution. As with drink or smoking, you have to do it the hard way, with willpower. Dont try and cut down, or make excuses. Pick a day, and from then on, no more. Resist any urge to sign back in to any of the sites youve used, even if you say youre 'just' checking it out for a minute, trust me, you will be starting the whole mess all over again.

Remind yourself you have a real life warm and sexy gf, why waste more time on plastic people who lie to you down msn?