Poem C&C

shampoobluez

I was afraid of going further with this poem because I'm not sure I have much more to say with it. It's a short one and I have no way of knowing if it's terrible or not unless I get the opinions of other people. C&C welcome.




Beauty is not

What that which is beautiful
means to be.

Because
the brush of Winter paints Wholly
with the voluptuous White of heaven
and presents the clouds at our feet
for our walking pleasure.

Oblivious to what it has done.

dj_quinn

I think you can develop that poem a lot further. Use the same mood from the first segment and extend it with a slightly different element for a few additional segments.

the raven

does it have a title?

shampoobluez

It doesn't have a title yet, I didn't really sit down to try and write a poem, I was just playing around with this idea in my head and started writing it down in case I forgot it.

I realise that more could be done with it, extending it, I even have a few ideas, I just wanted to get a reaction to the first bit coz there's no way in hell I'm gonna ask anyone in real life to read it, so I have no way of knowing if it is good enough to even bother finishing.

the raven

i've just noticed actually that, if you don't mind my saying, that the first line reads better with the following light edit and retains the same meaning, it alleviates the tongue-twister effect i'd found in it...

"Beauty is not

that which is beautiful
means to be."

the rest is quite beautiful (;) ) and i'd leave it as is! simple, short, effective.
good work.

edit: actually no, i'm still not happy with it. i say work on that one line and then see what happens...

Call Me Jimmy

double double post post

Call Me Jimmy

It's beautiful nice...