Long term relationship in trouble

LegacyUser

Hey I've been going out with my girlfriend for over 4 years now. We never really had any problems (besides the odd fight). We don't live together but we do spend a lot of time together. Just last week, I had been having problems at work and I was in a terrible mood. For some reason, I sent her a big long e-mail telling her how I wasn't happy with how she was changing. I have noticed over the last month or two that she no longer tries to hold my hand or comes to the door when I arrive at her house. I know it's small stuff but it was bothering me. I also noticed that she never randomly said "i love you" anymore.

For the first two years, our sex life was amazing but lately, we would often only have sex once every few weeks. She is a very attractive girl but I just seemed to lose my drive. I felt it was getting to her but I never brought it up.

After I sent the e-mail, she txt'd saying that she felt the same and that she wanted to break up. I was shocked by how fast she had come out with this and I broke down. We are currently on a break but now I don't know what to do. We still have about 1-2 txts a day but haven't seen each other. Should I ask her to try things with a more active sex life and see would this change things? What would you do? I don't know what angle to take when we meet up. Obviously, I want to be with her btw

kryogen

ok firstly are you sure you really want to be with this person anymore?

think about that properly for a while, this is what your on a break for, dont fool yourself, really ask yourself if this relationship is right for you.... and figure out the reasons why things are not good between you...

im sure that she has been thinking about this too for some time and couldnt think of a way to bring it up with you until you sent the email......

you have to figure out separately and together whether this relationship has a future, if you decide that it does you should try to get the spark back a little!

i mean what did you do when you were first together? do you go on dates or take trips or just do nothing together all day anymore???? make time for each other and learn to appreciate each other again....change is a fact of life, and we have little control over it, you can however control how your partner feels in terms of being loved and stuff...... you have got to, and i cannot stress it enough! you have got to show your partner as much as possible how much you think of them! try do something nice at least once a day just to show them they are on your mind....

some questions though..

why havent you taken the next step and moved in together after four years?? what happened that your sex life faded?? have you discussed the future?? as in marriage children?? i mean does your partner understand that you want a future with her or has she begun to think that this relationship is just going nowhere?? it is possible!!!

id feel more comfortable giving advice if i knew more about the story you know!!

comongethappy

I would take the break to really think about what you want to do. You commented on your sex life - of course things are great when you first meet, but it does wane a bit after that. If the past two years have been having sex every few weeks, then it shouldn't be part of the reason for you to want a break now. It's probably several little things that have all added up. If your job isn't going well, are you sure your not misplacing your feelings on to her? Maybe she's noticed? Have a talk to her once you're sure you want to be with her and ask her where she felt the relationship was weak, and see if she wants to give it another go

To be honest ...
If the relationship is 4 years-yeah 4 years and by your post you are now having to resort to email and text instead of face to face talking..then it's not a relationship anymore.

Caliden

After 4 years together you would have to think about whether or not you could see yourself marrying this girl

is_that_so

I would say a face to face is needed and put absolutely everything on the table. Talk it out and leave any final conclusion wide open. It does sound like it may be over but at least you may be able do so calmly.

ircoha

oh dear.... wrote:

For the first two years, our sex life was amazing but lately, we would often only have sex once every few weeks. She is a very attractive girl but I just seemed to lose my drive. [ attraction-driven sex is a receipe for disaster.]


Should I ask her to try things with a more active sex life and see would this change things? [Do you really think this? You will in effect be asking her to be a fcuk-buddy. Can u imagine the conversations: we need to shag more frequently to keep our 'relationship' going, particularly where u say above that YOU lost ur drive.]

It seems to me that u have both realised that it was in effect a fcuk-buddy relationship so it is over and your email gave her the opp for a home run

CathyMoran

You could try the old chestnut of relationship councelling but TBH it sounds like your relationship was dead and neither of you wanted to be the first to call it off. Her not being excited when you come over or holding your hand were huge things looking back. I think that you need to accept that it is over. Of course there is always hope, my husband and I had more breaks than we had hot dinners before I finally settled down and we are very happy together.